33 Jokes

page views:1 Publication date:2022-04-20

1. A female classmate always calls me a "top student," which annoys me. Finally, I snapped and yelled, "If you call me 'top student' again, I'll call you 'student mom'!"
My classmates burst into laughter. I slammed my hand on the table and shouted, "You're all diligent students! "
2. I have a goofy roommate who's not bad looking, but he's not very popular with women. Today, on our way back to the dorm, a girl approached us.
"Hey, handsome!" I thought his luck had finally turned around, but he replied, "Why are you calling me 'dad'?!"
3. During self-study, a guy let out a really loud fart. He stood up and yelled, "Holy crap! Who farted that loudly?"
Then the guy behind him casually said, "Dude, don't pretend. The wind's picked up..." The wind's picked up!!!
4. I was drinking with my roommate. He got drunk, and I helped him hail a taxi home. Seeing him swaying, I let him lean on my shoulder, but after a while, he pulled away. ...
Was he embarrassed?
I pressed his head down to make him lean on me again... It wasn't
until I changed my position that I realized my clothes were covered in studs on the shoulders...
5. What outrageous things have your parents done to prevent you from dating too early?
Classmate A: "Not giving you money."
Classmate B: "Going through your phone."
Classmate
N: "Giving me this face."
6. Wife: Honey, the news just said that Jack Ma made hundreds of millions in a minute, can you do that?
Me: I can.
Wife: Get lost...
7. My wife gave birth to three girls in a row. I said, "Honey, let's not have any more, okay?"
This idiot said, "No! I want to have more! I want to see how many lovers you had in your past life!"
8. Wife: Honey, if I turned into a monster, would you still want me?
Husband: You can't turn into a monster, you'd turn into a witch!
Wife! @#! @#￥%@#￥%
9. My wife gave me a lecture today: "Treat your wife like a princess, and you're a prince; treat her like a queen, and you're an emperor; treat her like a nanny, and you're a security guard; treat her like a maid, and you're a eunuch. So, whether you want to be an emperor or a eunuch depends on how you treat your wife."
Me: "So, if I treat my wife like air, then I'm God!"
Wife! @#！ @#！ @#
10. I used to naively think fingerprints were very secure, until one day I got drunk! My wife unlocked my phone with my hand. What a painful realization...
11. My wife was unhappy because of work, and I said: "Wife, don't be unhappy. In this world, besides your breasts, nothing else matters..." She kicked me out of the bedroom...
12. I'm pregnant, and my back has been hurting a lot lately. Just now, my husband massaged my back and said earnestly to my belly: "Little one, look how much your mother has suffered for you. When you grow up, you must be filial to your father."
13. What's the best food for brain health? A loss!
14. What does it mean to have seen the world? Being discerning yet adaptable.
15. What's the best birthday gift you've ever received? My life.
16. As a child, I loved reading Zhuge Liang in *Romance of the Three Kingdoms*, but as an adult, I prefer Cao Cao. As a child, I loved reading Wu Song in *Water Margin*, but as an adult, I prefer Pan Jinlian. 17.
Being a good doctor is actually very difficult: One must have the Confucian ideal of "benevolence," the Taoist principle of "following nature" in technique, and the Buddhist spirit of "redemption" in heart, to achieve the highest level of healing "body, mind, and spirit"!
18. When you truly experience the major events of birth, aging, sickness, and death, you realize that all your previous sorrows were nonsense!
19. Life is like a pair of underwear. If you buy the right size, your life will be wonderful. If you buy the wrong size... wear it a few more times and it will fit. @呦呦ta爹
20. If you're cunning, fewer people will play with you; if you're cunning, more people will take advantage of you!
21. One person's efforts can never determine the relationship between two people!
22. What's the difference between someone without dreams and someone without dreams?
23. Teacher: Who knows what multiples of 240 are?
Xiaoming: 480.
Teacher: And what are multiples of 480?
Xiaoming: 960.
Teacher: And what about 960?
Xiaoming: 1920.
Teacher: Wow, Xiaoming, not bad! Let me test you one last time…
Xiaoming: Teacher, teacher, please don't test me! My best hand has ever been 6 bombs plus face-up cards; I've never played 7 bombs.
24. Teacher: There are two things people do in life. Guess a natural phenomenon?
Xiaoming: Solar eclipse!
Teacher: And an idiom?
Xiaoming: Three meals a day!
Teacher: Get out!!!
25. Teacher: What's the difference between investing and speculating?
Xiaoming: One is Mandarin, the other is Cantonese!
Teacher: You think you know everything? Get out!
26. Xiao Ming was caught sleeping in class during evening self-study. The teacher said, "You look very tired!"
Xiao Ming: "Yeah!"
The teacher, barely containing his anger, asked, "How tired are you?"
Xiao Ming said, "If you let me sleep in the girls' dormitory tonight, I guarantee they'll still be virgins tomorrow morning, do you believe me?"
The class fell silent. Suddenly, a piercing voice came from the podium: "Get out of here right now..."
27. The math teacher assigned homework: calculate the family's monthly water consumption and design a water-saving plan.
Xiao Ming's homework was as follows: The water bill shows 18 tons of water used this month. Water-saving plan: Buy water from outside.
28. Xiao Ming: "Teacher, do you know that in the animal world, males often display themselves in front of females and use special actions and postures to win their favor?"
Teacher: "Is that your excuse for masturbating in front of the girls' dormitory? Get out of here right now!"
29. My wife received a message on her phone today. After she read it, I casually asked her what the message was. She said: "Nothing, just spam."
Later I checked, it was from her brother: "Sis, my phone's out of credit, can you top it up with 100?"
Holy crap! It was definitely spam!
30. I'm pregnant, and my back has been hurting terribly lately. Just now, my husband was massaging my back and said earnestly to my belly: "Little one, look how much your mother has suffered for you. When you grow up, you must be filial to your father."
31. Today, I was admiring myself in the mirror and said, "Why am I so beautiful?"
My husband said from the side: "Because you have a strong mentality."
32. I had a fight with my wife, and to ease the tension, I cleaned and did housework. She sat on the sofa watching TV. I couldn't help but say, "Let's both give each other a way out, you should do something too."
She smirked: "Not leaving already gave you a way out. "
Me...
33. "Honey, our car, which costs over 200,000 yuan, is much better than that 100,000 yuan car next door, especially the airbags!"
"Holy crap! You crashed your car?"

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33 Jokes

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