18 classic jokes

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1. During rush hour, on a bus, the driver made a sharp turn, and a man kissed a seated woman on the lips. The man quickly said, "I'm sorry, I'll take responsibility!"
2. A girl told me she was going to meet a stranger she met online. I was very worried for her.
“Don’t worry about me,” the girl said. “I’m asking to meet at the golf course.”
"Why did you meet there?" I asked.
“First, it was in public. Second, it was broad daylight. Third, I was holding a baseball bat,” she said.
3. One day, a glamorous woman asked Little Lis, "How can I stay young and beautiful forever?"
“All you have to do is count the ducks that swim across the bridge each day,” Little Liss said casually.
The woman thought it was simple, so she counted the ducks every day. But she still grew old. She asked Little Lishen in confusion, "Have you deceived me?"
“What I mean is, if you have a childlike heart, you’ll never feel old,” Little Lis explained with a smile.
4. A customer was shopping at a department store. He walked up to a saleswoman and asked, "Miss, I want to buy a birthday present for my younger brother. But he doesn't need anything. What would be a suitable gift for him? Do you have any good suggestions?"
The saleswoman suggested, "How about I give him my phone number?"
5. Dad: "That young man who's pursuing you is so shameless. He stayed at our house very late last night. Did your mother say anything to him?"
Daughter: "Mom said, how come he's just like your dad back then!"
6. A man and woman went on a date. The man forgot to shave, and the woman arrived two hours late. The woman said, "How can you be so careless about your appearance? You didn't even shave for a date!" The man replied, "They just grew back in the two hours I was waiting for you!"
7. Several girls were discussing what kind of husbands they would marry in the future.
One of them said very firmly, "I won't marry anyone but a soldier!" The other girls asked in confusion, "Why?"
"Because he not only learned to do laundry and cook in the army, but more importantly, he learned to obey orders!"
8. One day, a seriously ill wife asked, "What will you do if I die?" The husband cried, "I won't live alone." Moved, the wife passed away. Not long after, her husband found another girlfriend.
9. Two women are chatting on the beach.
What's wrong with you lately? You've lost so much weight.
“I am very sad. My husband is unfaithful to me and has found a mistress.”
"Then you should divorce him right away!"
"Not now, I want to lose another five kilograms."
10. Xiao Zhang's wife is a nag. Once, Xiao Zhang said to a friend, "My wife went on vacation to the beach and came back. Guess what happened?" The friend couldn't guess. Xiao Zhang said, "Her tongue got sunburned."
11. A middle-aged man over 35 finally mustered up the courage to participate in an online dating platform. He proposed four criteria for his ideal partner: 1. Petite and delicate; 2. Not afraid of the cold and enjoys winter swimming; 3. In good health; 4. Good team spirit.
A week later, the computer-based dating center finally responded, displaying the message: Penguin.
12. Once, my husband and I went back to our hometown. On the way, he suddenly said, "Be careful, don't slip." I was so touched I almost cried; he was so thoughtful and considerate. Then he added, "You're too fat; no one can help you!"
13. One day, the professor returned home from his study and saw a large bouquet of flowers on the table. He asked his wife, "What day is it today?"
"Oh? Have you forgotten? Today is your wedding anniversary."
He smiled slightly and said, "Oh, thank you, thank you! I'll buy you a big bouquet of flowers to congratulate you on your wedding day."
14. In Chinese vocabulary, "娘" and "妈" are synonyms, both referring to mother. A foreign student who had just started learning Chinese fell for a beautiful Chinese girl on campus, so he wrote her a love letter. However, he forgot how to write "娘," so he cleverly used "妈" instead. Thus, the love letter began: "Dear Aunt..."
15. My mom had always wanted to learn the piano, so my dad bought her one for her birthday. A few weeks later, I called home to ask how her piano lessons were going. My dad said, "We returned the piano. I convinced her to switch to the recorder."
"Why?" I asked.
Dad said, "Because she's learning the recorder, she can't sing while playing it."
16. I introduced a girl in my workplace to a potential boyfriend, and gave her all of the guy's phone number, QQ number, and MSN number.
Two days later, I took the time to ask the girl, "Have you been in touch these past two days? How does it feel?" The girl hesitated and said, "I... I feel like we're not a good match. His circumstances aren't very good." "What? Not a good match?" I asked, puzzled. "You have an undergraduate degree, and he has a master's degree; you're 23, and he's 27; you're a white-collar worker, and he's a civil servant... In what way are you not a good match?"
The girl said with a bitter face, "My QQ level is already two suns, but his is only one moon..."
17. I am a well-known henpecked husband. My wife only gives me 10 yuan a day for pocket money, without fail, all year round.
Today, yes, this morning! My wife actually handed me a 100-yuan bill!!
I couldn't contain my excitement and kept shouting, "Why? Tell me why? Haha!"
My wife threw out two words, and I immediately calmed down: "Ten days."
18. A woman complained to her friend, “I really don’t know what to do. My husband always makes a mess of the house. He never puts things back where they belong after he uses them, he just leaves them lying around. I’m exhausted from cleaning up after him all day long.”
Her friend said, "Then let me teach you a trick. In the first week after my husband and I got married, I firmly told him, 'Every glass and plate you take has to be washed and put back after you're done using it.'"
"How was the result?" the woman asked.

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18 classic jokes

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