H-rated jokes

page views:1 Publication date:2022-05-06

1. Husband says: "If you learn to cook, we can fire the maid and ease the family's burden." Wife: "Nonsense! If you learn how to make love, we can fire the driver, the gardener, and the security guard, and the family's burden will be even lighter!"
2. Make love quietly, and be careful not to strain your back; lift your buttocks up a little to make it easier for the penis to penetrate; hold your breasts and gently massage them, letting the vaginal fluid flow down your anus; pinch your clitoris and lick it hard to bring her to orgasm!
3. One day, the wife suddenly said to her husband: "Take your secret stash of money out of your underwear!" The husband looked surprised: "How did you know?" The wife said dismissively: "When have you ever had such a bulge in your underwear!"
4. The most extreme license plates: Qiong B (the poorest), Gan B (the most straightforward), Hei B (the ugliest), Liao B (the widest), Jing B (the most arrogant), Jin B (the most watery), Hu B (the most self-loving), Xin B (the most virginal), and Xiang B (the best-smelling).
5. The beauty of knowledge lies in leaving people completely bewildered; the beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to commit adultery; the beauty of women lies in their unrepentant foolishness; the beauty of men lies in their ability to lie so convincingly that it's unbelievable.
6. A female doctor's handwriting was so messy that she wrote a prescription for a man to have an ultrasound. After a long time, the man returned and said, "I've searched the whole hospital but I can't find the 13-ultrasound." The female doctor laughed and said, "It's an ultrasound! Not a 13-ultrasound!" The man angrily retorted, "Your 'B's are too far apart!"
7. At the Lucky 52 lottery, the husband acted out a guessing game for his wife. The image was of an ice pop. The man said, "Two words: long, hard, juice comes out when you put it in your mouth, and it gets smaller." The woman looked blank. The man gave a hint: "You ate one last night." The woman blushed and immediately answered: "Chicken!"
8. A female worker's room was leaking, so she took a day off to repair it. The next day, she asked someone to deliver a leave note to her workplace. Her supervisor was horrified when he saw it: the note read: "Sexual activity not finished, too much water leaking out, can't control it, need to do it another day!"
9. A couple stayed at a hotel. A prostitute called, "Want to have some fun?" The husband replied, "No!" and hung up. The prostitute called again, "Why should you compromise yourself when you're traveling?" The husband said, "I brought my wife!" The prostitute laughed, "Sir, you're so shameless! There are fast food restaurants everywhere, why bring your own instant noodles!"
10. New Lucky Three Treasures: Dad (Hmm) Why were you riding on Mom last night? (What?) I saw it all at the door! (Oh my god!) You two were fighting naked! (You kid!) The three of us are a perfect family!
11. Five stages of drinking: Young girl stage, strictly guarded; Young woman stage, half-heartedly resisting; Middle-aged stage, accepting all comers; Widow stage, if you don't come to me, I'll come to you; Old lady stage, if it doesn't work, I'll still make some random gestures.
12. A village chief was having an affair with a sorceress. As soon as he entered her, the sorceress said, "Coming in means death." The chief quickly withdrew, but the sorceress said again, "Going out won't save you either." The chief asked the sorceress what to do. The sorceress said, "Going in and out will keep you safe."
13. To live well, you need a lover; to live wonderfully, you need a lady in your arms; to live a high life, you must have a few moves with a lady; to live a strong life, you need a respectable woman in your bed; to live a life of suffering, you need a wife to sleep with you every day.

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H-rated jokes

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