Humorous jokes

page views:1 Publication date:2022-05-12

So that's how you can use a lady!
One summer day, it was scorching hot.
A middle-aged man was on a business trip and checked into a small hotel late at night. Just as he was about to go to bed, the phone rang.
"Excuse me, I'm at the front desk. Our hotel offers special services, would you like some?"
"No, thank you," the man said, putting down the phone. He tossed and turned, unable to sleep. He picked up the phone again and said to the front desk, "I need a special service." A young woman entered shortly afterward.
The man asked how much for a night. The woman replied, "100."
The man said, "Okay, take your clothes off now and sit on the sofa."
The woman sat naked on the sofa.
The man returned to bed and lay down, soon snoring loudly.
As dawn approached, the woman could no longer bear it and woke the man up, asking, "Why did you call me here?"
hey-hey!
The man said there were too many mosquitoes and he couldn't sleep...
30 Funny Quotes from BBS
1. Ever since two prostitutes claimed to be graduates of a prestigious university, I now generally call myself illiterate!
2. Women, remember this: you must eat well, play well, drink well, and sleep well. If you work yourself to death, other women will spend your money, live in your house, sleep with your husband, date your boyfriend, and even beat your children.
3. A good dog doesn't block the road; those that do are roadblocks!
4. Bed, money, bright moon, light; clothes, lost ground, on, cool!
5. If not to astound the world with seductive charm, then to move people with licentiousness.
6. So many people look down on me, who do you think you are?
7. The system suspects I'm spamming, but I don't have a water tap nearby. Oh... I see, I have one on me...
8. Choose mature women, as their skirts are easy to pull up.
9. Driving is not difficult, it's just that new drivers are scary!
10. "Czechoslovakia!" My name is Jack, and that's what my wife always complains about.
11. All pleasures are rooted in lust.
12. Water can carry a boat, and it can also be used to cook porridge! Confucius, standing by the river, said, "How wonderful it would be to have a boat!"
13. Having talent is like being pregnant; it takes time before others notice.
14. If you can't put a wedding dress on your woman, then never stop unbuttoning her clothes!
15. I don't like sleeping with one woman many times; I prefer sleeping with many women only once.
16. How much sorrow can one have? It's like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel...
17. If you look like a steamed bun, don't blame the dogs for following you...
18. I'm not afraid of enemies as fierce as tigers, but I'm afraid of teammates as incompetent as pigs!
19. Study hard for the sake of China! A pack of Zhonghua cigarettes costs so much...
20. If you don't have medical insurance or life insurance, don't do acts of heroism after dark...
21. You can't please everyone, because not everyone is human!
22. Successful women are not afraid of losing face!
23. A girl only needs one successful attempt to become a woman from a virgin, while a boy needs repeated trials to become a man from a virgin!
24. Actually, you don't need to buy such expensive medicine to treat frequent urination. You can just buy a rubber band for two cents.
25. A day as husband and wife brings a hundred days of kindness; a hundred days as husband and wife brings happiness.
26. My friend, you're leaving today, so please finish this white girl.
27. Braised pork trotters taste great. If you don't think so, it just means you're a pig.
28. Two children were arguing about the sun. One child said, "A day is a day!" The other child said, "A day is a day!"
29. You can know a person's face but not their heart; you can draw a dragon or a tiger but not their bones and a soft palm...
30. If you love me, raise your left hand; if you love Tangtang, raise your middle finger.
A bloody story: The night I lost my virginity
Bingbing's writing is somewhat melancholic, with a strong sense of autumnal sadness. She feels guilty about her own loss, so she prefers to hide in a corner and lick her wounds alone.
Last September, I entered a second-tier undergraduate college. When I first arrived, I felt my classmates were like butterflies emerging from their cocoons, fluttering freely and happily around campus. Dissatisfied with getting into a second-tier college, I wasn't happy. Every day, I just carried my books and water bottle, shuttling between the classroom, the cafeteria, and my dormitory. Only when I received a call from Yu at night were I truly happy. His gentle "Baby, are you tired? Take good care of yourself..." always brought me such peace. Yu and I had been dating for two years. Yu was the kind of boy who was silent, steady, conservative, and even a little stubborn. Strangely enough, I liked his dull and reserved nature. He also admired my personality, always praising my quiet and refined manners. During the rainy summer after the college entrance exam, Yu hugged me tightly on the platform, then turned and boarded the train heading south. University separated Yu and me, placing us far apart. Watching the train disappear into the distance, I cried until I almost fainted.
And so, we could only express our feelings to each other through one phone call a day. Sometimes I would ask Yu when this separation and waiting would end; Yu would always jokingly tease me, "Don't worry, we still have a few more years to contribute to the country's telecommunications industry..." Gradually, we also got used to whispering sweet nothings on the phone, simple yet joyful. My roommate often said enviously, "I'm the happiest girl in the world."
Everyone says I'm a beautiful girl, and a very likable one. But for some reason, for a while, I felt a chill in the air around me. People's gazes towards me lost their former warmth, and my classmates and roommates were intentionally or unintentionally isolating me. I became very lonely, and the temperature inside my heart almost dropped to freezing. So I went online and chatted to pass the time during those idle and lonely hours, and that's when I met him. He won 600 QQ coins from me in a game, and I, not wanting to admit defeat, challenged him to another match. In the next few games, I still couldn't beat him. But in the end, he returned all my QQ coins to me. I was surprised and grateful. I said, "You're a good person!" He laughed and said, "You're just a little kid!" From then on, we always teamed up to defeat strangers in QQ games, and we became the most compatible partners in online games…
During a chat, I was surprised to find out we went to the same university. So we arranged to meet at the tennis court. I stood by the court with my tennis racket, my heart pounding like a rabbit's. He arrived, much more handsome than I had imagined. White shirt, dark sunglasses, blue light mountain bike—he stood in the dazzling sunlight and waved at me. His smile was so sunny, it warmed my heart. From then on, every day except for classes, I would go to see him to kill time.
One day, I accompanied him to the gym. A group of his classmates looked at me with mischievous smiles. He said, "This is my sister!" I nodded and smiled. It was quite late when we left the gym. As the wind blew up my skirt, he draped his coat over me, gently zipped it up for me, and brushed my hair, saying, "You look really cool!" I smiled, feeling a different kind of emotion inside.
I changed. I became more lively and cheerful, always smiling even when I was alone, sometimes humming a tune as I walked. Gradually, I forgot to call Yu, forgot to tell him how much I missed him. I walked hand-in-hand with this boy beside me in the rainy night, listened to his troubles on the phone late at night. I knew that I didn't really want to give up Yu; every time I thought of him, my heart was filled with shame. Yet, in the end, I didn't give up this new and exciting encounter either.
One day, almost a month after I met him, just as the dorm lights were about to go out, I received a call from him. He slurred, "Little sister, I want to see you. I'm waiting for you downstairs!" and then hung up. The moment he opened his arms and pulled me into his embrace, the dorm lights went out! He was very excited, holding my hand tightly. I supported him, whispering words of comfort, but he insisted I go for another drink with him, saying he was very sad. His eyes were bright as he spoke, and he rested his head on my shoulder. Later, he kissed me forcefully—my first kiss—and I couldn't resist. As he reached to unbutton my clothes, I suddenly woke up, grabbed his hand, and said, "No, no!"
After that, I didn't see him often anymore, or rather, I couldn't see him at all. Yet, I found myself trapped in his kiss. Every time I passed the tennis court, I thought of him and that dazzling sunlight; every rainy day I thought of him, missing the big umbrella he held over my head. I desperately tried to wake myself up, but I was powerless. I inexplicably started directing my anger at the innocent Yu far away. I called him, demanding he say he loved me. Yu, shy but firm, said, "I love you, forever!" My tears fell, and I felt utterly shameless…
A few days later, just when I felt I could finally face that illusory feeling with equanimity, he reappeared. That day he came to see me, saying he missed me, and we went to a karaoke bar together. The flashing lights and hazy music in the karaoke room made me dizzy. After a few drinks, everything before my eyes began to shake violently, and I couldn't wake up. Suddenly, a sharp pain brought my mind clear. He was pinning me down, but I had no strength to resist or try to break free… In the end, I lost myself…
The next day, Yu told me on the phone that he'd been feeling anxious lately, and tears streamed down my face. I couldn't tell him what had happened; it was all my own fault. Everything had already been so unfair to Yu; I wouldn't let him suffer any more innocent pain. Perhaps one day in the future, he will find out everything, or perhaps he will never understand…
I'm not the kind of girl who either loves or hates intensely. I have no right to blame anyone, nor will I blame anyone. That boy who once stood in the sunlight—I silently deleted everything about him, letting him simply disappear. If only time could turn back…
The maple leaves on campus turned red and then fell, all quietly, without making a sound.
An incredibly powerful guestbook in a five-star hotel
Dear Guest, Welcome to the People's Hotel. The People's Hotel is the largest hotel in Qingdao, built to national five-star standards. It integrates accommodation, dining, entertainment, bathing, and leisure facilities, boasting convenient transportation and an elegant environment, making it an ideal place for business and leisure travelers. Our motto is: "The People's Hotel is built by the people; a well-built hotel for the people." We welcome your valuable comments and suggestions in the guestbook so that we can improve. (General Manager of the People's Hotel: Spring)
Haha, I'm the first to write this. What era are we living in? Still calling it the People's Hotel? So incredibly tacky! How can your hotel have such low taste? Have some cultural refinement, okay? I think "The Tycoon" would be more appropriate, more grand! (Little Crab)
So what if you're the first? It's not like you're a virgin! Look at you, acting like you've been hit on the toe by a gold brick. What kind of culture does a "tycoon" have? Utterly vulgar! Based on my years of experience traveling all over the country, I'd say "tyrant among tyrants" would be a better name. (Zhang Junyi)
You two are both idiots! (Young Master Yu)
"The People's Hotel is built by the people, and the hotel is built for the people?" What a joke. Aren't farmers people? Aren't migrant workers people? Aren't laid-off workers people? Aren't beggars people? Can they stay here if they don't have money? I suggest you change your slogan to: "The People's Hotel is built by the people, and the hotel is built for RMB." (Pan Zhiwang)
The dishes at the Chinese restaurant—butterfly sea cucumber, crab roe and ginkgo nuts, braised abalone and shark fin, stir-fried soft-shelled turtle slices, braised partridge with bear paw, quail breast with walnuts, stir-fried shredded deer with plum blossoms, and premium bird's nest soup—were all excellent in appearance, aroma, and taste, and deserve special praise. The only downside is that they were too expensive. (Xiao Xinxin)
It's not like it's out of your own pocket, why are you so upset! (Rain kisses the flowers)
Whoever uses public funds to drink turtle soup is...! (cc)
A fool from the capital city was here! (Layman)
Several waitresses at this Western restaurant have such small breasts, typical "flat-chested princesses," it's ruining my appetite! I strongly protest! I demand you replace them within three days, or I won't eat here again! So be it. (His Majesty Shura)
Hahaha, that's hilarious! Are you here for a meal or to find your nanny? (The beauty remains)
Mustard-dressed tripe is just mustard-dressed tripe, don't call it "Lover's Tears"; stir-fried soybean sprouts with mung bean sprouts are just two bean sprouts, one yellow and one green, don't call it "flirting"; and what's this "Jade Maiden Undressed"? It's clearly just peeled cucumber. Please, can the menus at these specialty restaurants stop being so offensive? (Little Pineapple)
Your menu prices violate the regulations of the price control department. "15 yuan per hairy crab"—how much does one crab weigh? Is it large or small? It's not clearly stated. General Manager, please contact me immediately after seeing this, otherwise I will call the Qingdao Daily's hotline and make things difficult for you! (Little Mango)
I strongly support the comment above. (Little Mushroom)
The condoms you provide in your guest rooms are of poor quality and leak air. I have a friend who runs a sex toy business; let's grab some tea sometime and chat about business. (Moon)
The lights in the dance hall are too bright, and the soundproofing in the karaoke rooms is terrible! (To Love)
I am Katyusha from the Recreation Department. If you feel lonely, bored, or melancholy on a quiet night, please call me on the internal line. I will be there for you anytime to spend every moment of the night with you. (A woman)
Top (Sun)
The massage girls at the recreation center had terrible service. I only asked to change girls five times, and they said I was being picky. What am I paying for? Just to feel comfortable! I chose you because I think highly of you, don't be ungrateful. Pah! (Sha Qianqian)
Urgent Message: I lost my briefcase at a nightclub. It contains important documents. If anyone finds it, please contact Mr. Jin in room 168 immediately. A reward will be given. (Sohu Mao)
Serves you right! The hostess probably stole it, didn't she? (sigh)
Nana, my dearest darling! Do you know how much I miss you? Ever since I met you in that private room, I haven't been able to forget you. Your presence has filled my withered life with meaning. If you see this message, please call my cell phone. (Smiles)
Today, I saw a prominent figure in the city come out of a sauna with two hostesses. Yes, it must be him. I gave him money before; I'd recognize him even if he were ashes! (top芝芝)
Who do you think the police are? Knocking on doors like that! Next time I'll book a room with the police chief, let's see who dares to knock! (Lazy Baby)
Folk song: In the morning it's you talking to me, at noon it's you eating me, in the afternoon it's you winning, in the evening it's you embracing me, in the evening it's me embracing you. (Sister Jiale)
Is this a "message book" or a "rumor book"? It looks like they're eating at the People's Hotel! (Unlimited Power)

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