A collection of classic, hilarious slips of the tongue.

page views:1 Publication date:2022-06-03

1. In high school, everyone was given a name tag. Once, before an inspection, the homeroom teacher ran into the classroom and shouted, "Everyone, put on your bras quickly, they're coming to check!" The whole room fell silent.
2. Once, while I was driving, a beautiful female colleague got a ride. As soon as she sat next to me, I nervously said, "Bring a condom!" She never spoke to me again after that. So frustrating!
3. Once, when guests came to my aunt's house, they had just entered the door when my aunt needed to go to the toilet. She hurriedly greeted the guests, saying, "Please sit down, please sit down, I'll get you some urine to drink!" (She originally meant to get you some tea).
4. During my internship, I said to a teacher: "Teacher Chen, is your surname Chen?"
5. When we went to a factory for our metalworking internship in college, the foreman said when assigning machine tools: "For safety reasons, we'll try to ensure that one male student shares a machine with one female student." All the boys burst out laughing, and the girls blushed. During the internship, I helped the girl I shared a machine with (awkwardly!) with almost all the lathe work. Finally, considering that it wouldn't be good for the foreman to inspect if she didn't know how to do anything, I encouraged her to practice. Who knew she'd say: "I'm already used to you doing it." I was speechless with embarrassment.
6. A friend went to a dumpling restaurant and asked, "How much is a bowl of dumplings (sleeping)?" The waitress just spat and said, "Shameless!"
7. During self-study, everyone was reviewing. The guy said to the girl, "I just memorized some words, can you help me with a dictation?" The girl didn't want to, so the guy begged her, "Please dictate them to me, please dictate them to me!!" Finally, the girl couldn't take it anymore and yelled, "Teacher, you see, I don't want to dictate them, but he insists I do!!"
8. One day I went to a classmate's house for dinner and had a few drinks. Suddenly her dad came in. I meant to call him "Uncle," but I misspoke and said, "Dad, have a seat!" ~~Brrr! My classmates and I laughed our heads off.
9. My colleague got into an argument with someone and blurted out, "Do you think I grew up eating rice?" I've always wondered what he actually ate to grow up.
10. In elementary school, a boy I really disliked asked to borrow my eraser. I refused, but he kept pestering me. Finally, I shouted at the top of my lungs, "I won't marry (lend) you!" The classmates immediately quieted down.
11. During computer lab, a student's computer malfunctioned, so he shouted, "Boss, change my computer!" The whole class was stunned.
12. I'll spit dog shit in your face!
13. I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "Don't say you know me, it'll damage my reputation!" She replied, "You have children? You can have children?"
14. I'm a guy, and I got sick in Guangdong. I couldn't speak, so I went to see a doctor. The doctor told me I had vaginal inflammation. I was stunned! Then I looked closer and the diagnosis said: Vaginal duct inflammation! Speechless…
15. When buying a computer, the shopkeeper quoted 4150, and I bargained: "Shopkeeper, how about 410? That's a good deal!" The shopkeeper was speechless!
16. Last morning on my way to work, I found my bicycle tire was flat, so I wanted to ask my mom to help me push it outside to inflate it. But I said, "Push my tire outside."
17. A girl was heartbroken after her breakup, and I advised her, "Two-legged toads are hard to find, but three-legged men are plentiful!"
18. In elementary school, we had labor classes, usually weeding. So, the teacher would remind us to bring hoes the day before school ended. On the second day, when we were getting ready to leave for labor class, the teacher, for the sake of management, would ask: "How many of you brought hoes? Those who brought them, raise your hoes!"
19. Offering advice to someone who's heartbroken. Classmate, do you know what heartbreak means?
20. In a junior high school Chinese class, someone recited Mao Zedong's poem: "A generation of outstanding figures..."
21. Teacher, today we're going to teach about Yang Xiu's excrement.
22. Once at a karaoke bar, when it came time to choose a song, a girl shouted: "Give me a song by Jay Chou called 'Double Jay'..."
23. During my sophomore year, I really enjoyed going shopping by bike with one of my roommates. After dressing up nicely, we got into the elevator together, and suddenly I remembered my bike tire was flat. So I said to her, "Come with me to get an abortion first?" ~~~~Oh my god…
24. The bus was crowded. A burly man roared: "Damn it, you stepped on my crotch!"
25. A classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into a noodle shop, flipped his hair coolly, and said, "Boss, two ounces of scallions, no rice noodles!" Then he added, "Please put in extra rice noodles!" The boss: "Do you want rice noodles or scallions?"
26. At a variety show, the host announced: "Next, please enjoy: Xinjiang song and dance, 'Lift Your Skull!'" (A chilling revelation!)
27. In high school, classroom discipline was chaotic. In a fit of anger, the teacher grabbed xxx and said, "xxx, you stand against the wall!" The whole class was stunned!
28. Me: That's our physics teacher.
Student: What do you teach?
Me: Chemistry.
29. In an internet cafe, a student suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher!"
30. One of the guys in my dorm got drunk and went to pee, then said something sarcastic: "The more you pee, the more alcohol you drink."
31. Buying oranges, the vendor said: "One yuan fifty per jin (500g)." I said: "That's too expensive, how about five yuan for three jin?" The vendor said: "No, no."
32. A friend asked me about my computer specs, and I said the monitor was a color screen. (I meant to say LCD).
33. I once heard a girl shout in the cafeteria, "Give me a bowl of Viper!"
34. Once, my roommate's mother called.
I usually say "He's not here," but this time I want to say "He's already gone out."
The result was: "He is...no longer here."
35. My sister and I went to Li-Ning to buy shoes. My sister's first question was, "Miss, how much are these shoes per kilogram?"
36. When I was in high school, my girlfriend and I were walking home together after school. We saw a barbecue stall near the school gate, and she said she wanted to eat beef offal. Because there were a lot of people in front of the grill, I was afraid the owner wouldn't hear me, so I shouted loudly, "Boss, five skewers of bull penis!" Then there was complete silence, and three seconds later everyone burst into laughter. I was incredibly embarrassed. The most embarrassing thing was that my girlfriend then asked me, "What's bull penis?" I could only answer her very, very quietly, "Bull penis is a bull's tail."
37. The teacher assigned homework, but I didn't know how to do it, so I copied someone else's. Then I went to the office to hand in the homework and saw the teacher. I said, "I've finished copying!"
38. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan Mountain. I was halfway up the mountain and was about to take a break when I saw an old lady selling souvenirs by the roadside. I went up to her and asked: "Wife..."
39. This morning, I went to have breakfast with my classmates. One of them only ate the filling of the steamed buns, and the other only ate the skin. We were talking about how wasteful they were when the classmate who ate the filling said, "Fine, you can eat my foreskin from now on." Everyone who was drinking porridge choked and spat it out.
40. During university military training, the instructor yelled: "Use your peripheral vision to align yourselves!" We wanted to laugh but dared not, it was so frustrating!

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A collection of classic, hilarious slips of the tongue.

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