Looking back on the real past, farewell to my youth.

page views:1 Publication date:2023-05-29

Word count: 4943
It's been several years since I last posted. Because I only write about real things, and I've gradually become a bit more serious, there are fewer stories. This isn't for points, just to record some of my personal experiences. My writing skills are limited, and given the years that have passed, the order of events might be slightly reversed. But everything is true. A few days ago, I had a dream where I was a teenager, holding a girl's hand. That feeling was familiar yet distant. The feeling was so beautiful, even surpassing my current experience with men's sex. Perhaps it's because men's sex is so common and easy now that such pure feelings are so precious. Everyone has their destiny; it's all predetermined. I remember when I was in high school, in a small southern county town, my family rented a house. Internet cafes were just becoming popular, Windows 2000 systems were still in their early stages, and Legend of Mir was just beginning to gain popularity. A few years later, this game made Chen Tianqiao China's richest man. I've never been interested in online games, although I was young, I started learning about stocks back then. Let's chat about QQ and stuff. One summer vacation, I went to an internet cafe called "Big World," which was its real name. When I went back to my hometown this year, that internet cafe had already closed down. My family now lives in different cities, and I hadn't been back to my old county town for many years. The electricity was still unstable back then. One day, while I was online, the power suddenly went out. So I sat in the internet cafe waiting, chatting with the owner. It was full of regular customers. I took out a cigarette—I wouldn't dare smoke at home, I could only do it secretly outside. Then a woman asked me for a cigarette. That's when I noticed her. I guessed she was in her early twenties, with a large bust and quite pretty. Now, when I try to recall her face, it's a bit blurry, but I remember her large bust. After about ten minutes, the power came back on, and everyone started playing again. The woman invited me to sit with her, saying she could teach her something. I gladly accepted. We surfed the internet together, smoked, and I occasionally taught her things. A few times when I was teaching her, her breasts thrust out. Of course, I was still just a young man, never having been with a woman before. I couldn't handle the situation; my face flushed red, and my heart pounded. But I was too timid to move rashly, and could only silently accept it. Being an honest person, I wouldn't deliberately drag things out, and I was still afraid of being seen. Sometimes I'd put my hand on the back of her chair, and she'd lean in. I was willing to accept her advances, but I never had the courage to hug her myself. In the following days, we often went to the internet cafe, sitting together, sometimes drinking cold drinks, like a couple. I quite liked her; although she was older than me, she was bolder and more proactive than my classmates or even my girlfriend, and I could get physical pleasure more directly and quickly. My mind was filled with thoughts of her. Unfortunately, this sweet period only lasted about ten days. Because I often treated her when I went online, one day the owner said to me, "Why would a student like you treat her? Someone like her, who works in that field, has plenty of money." Hearing this was like a bolt from the blue; it felt like the sky was falling. She was so beautiful, and being with her was so joyful. Sitting in front of the computer, I had absolutely no desire to surf the internet. I wanted to deny what the internet cafe owner had said, but thinking back on my interactions with her recently, she seemed different from most women, making it impossible for me to refute her. I couldn't sit there any longer, and left the internet cafe with hurt, confusion, and anger, my eyes red. That afternoon, I called her to question her about the truth of the matter. She seemed very calm, offering no denial or explanation. There was silence on the other end of the line; she didn't continue. I didn't know what to say either. Sadness and pain welled up inside me, along with a deep sense of resentment. I don't even remember how the call ended; I only remember feeling utterly lost and heartbroken afterward. I remained depressed for several days. I didn't go to the internet cafe, afraid of seeing the owner's eyes. (I forgot the girl's name, so let's just call her the "internet cafe girl" for now, I'll use that name later.) Even though I didn't go online, I still had to find other entertainment. I went to video rental stores with my classmates. Back then, a ticket to a video rental store cost 2 yuan. They showed movies from morning till late at night. In the morning there were some feature films, around noon they showed adult films, and in the afternoon and evening they showed porn. From junior high onwards, I learned so much over two days a week. Once, I chatted with an old man there. He told us about his experiences with sex, the feeling of penetration. I was really excited. Later, he even said he'd take me to find a prostitute. I only had 50 yuan on me. I really wanted to go, but my classmates weren't there that day, and I was too scared to go alone. After going out with him, I immediately regretted it. Looking back, that old man might have been gay; I'd seen him touching a man's penis a few times in the video rental store. Maybe that was a trap. I often spent time in video rental stores; it was a cheap way to kill time. I can't think of anything more fun than going online. Later, my classmate treated me to a more exciting place: a dance hall. Tickets were 5 yuan. It was a large hall with rows of long benches, blasting loud music. After the show started, a group of women walked onto the stage and danced gracefully. As the performance progressed, the women slowly took off their clothes, skirts, and underwear. Good heavens! I had never seen a real woman before, and now there was a group of naked women! How shocking! My heart was pounding with excitement. When we left, the sun was still high in the sky. My classmate and I exchanged smiles, our hearts pounding with emotion. Once, I went to see a striptease show. There was a girl who looked about seventeen or eighteen. She had incredibly beautiful breasts. I still remember them; while the other girls had nipples, hers were one-piece breasts, firm and perky, with pale pink nipples at the top. They didn't have the typical protrusion of nipples, a feature I'd seen on other women later, usually only very young. I stared at her, enjoying the performance. That day, unfortunately, I had a stomachache. I asked the owner for some toilet paper, and after the girl finished her performance, I rushed to the outhouse. Yes, an outhouse. It was made of frozen cement with a deep ditch in the middle. The door was made of planks of varying lengths, with large holes at the top and bottom, and a small gap in the middle. While I was using the outhouse, there was a sudden thumping sound. I immediately answered that someone was there. The person just kicked without saying anything. I wondered who it was, and why they were being so rude. Because I was squatting, the gap under the door was wide enough for a dog to easily squeeze through. I looked down and saw a pair of pink brick shoes—they were very fashionable back then. I immediately realized it was a woman, a stripper at that. My heart was pounding like a deer's. I kicked her for a while, then stopped. I was so conflicted. I didn't have the guts to go all in, but I was also really looking forward to it. I really hoped she would rush in. When I came out, I looked at the person, and it was indeed that woman with the beautiful breasts. Later, after the event, I talked about it with my classmates, and they all said I was stupid for writing so much in a haphazard way without even introducing myself. Back then, I was attending the best middle school in the county, No. 1 Middle School. I was over 1.6 meters tall, handsome, very handsome. Even my messy hair couldn't hide my good looks. If I had the courage I have now back then... well... Let me put it this way: Later, when I went to Shanghai Jiaotong University, on the train back to my hometown, I had three out of four romantic encounters with the women I sat with. Not the kind of casual sex we have now, but more like hugging and touching. Later, when I was working, I had five romantic encounters with women I sat with on buses, one of which involved booking a hotel room. On the train, her husband was there, but not in the same row, and I touched her breasts twice. Once, while queuing to board a train, I hooked up with a woman who wanted to give me a blowjob, but I didn't dare because I didn't have the opportunity. On a plane to Guangzhou for a conference, I sat with the CEO of a company, and we ended up booking a hotel room together in Guangzhou. Now, I almost always fly with my wife; I rarely travel alone. Even when I travel within the province, I drive, so I have far fewer of these opportunities. I wonder if I still have the same charm as I did back then. Just over ten days ago, I met up with two online friends on two separate nights. All of the above is true, though there might be a slight discrepancy in the numbers. At the time, across from my rented apartment, there was another family with a young girl, around 15 years old. Her surname was Jiang, and I think her real surname was Xiao Jiang. She dropped out of school early and had some freckles. Her mother was divorced and had left. My older sister ran a small business at the county's farmers' market, which was just a short distance from our apartment. The landlord owned a three-story building. After his divorce, he married a 19-year-old woman. His ex-wife had two daughters, the older one around 15 or 16. Both girls were very pretty. I once peeked at the older daughter while she was showering, but we didn't have much interaction. At most, we'd nod and smile when we met. Xiao Jiang often helped my older sister because she told her she wanted to introduce her to me. My brother and I were constantly being used as diplomatic tools. Xiao Jiang seemed to like me, asking on QQ if I would be her girlfriend, but I wasn't really interested. Until one time, I was surfing the internet at another internet cafe when she suddenly appeared behind me, hugged my head, and made me guess who she was. Her soft breasts pressed against the back of my head, and her hands tightly covered my eyes. I guessed right away, let go, and leaned down to see what I was playing. Later, she even snatched me away and sat on my lap, playing with me. It was only then that I started to feel something; she had the scent of a woman. Even so, I remained a gentleman and didn't date her. Of course, I thought, this woman shouldn't be touched; I was afraid she would cling to me and I wouldn't be able to get rid of her. More importantly, I felt she wasn't good enough and didn't want to live with her. In my second year of high school, I had a girlfriend, my first love. At that time, we only kissed and held hands by the river; I didn't even dare to touch her chest with my hand on it. Later, a cowherd...The old man scolded me, and I never dared to go again. Later, it was like we broke up; we never mentioned it again, and we never got back together. When I contacted her in college, she ignored me, saying she had a boyfriend. Later, I heard from her best friend that she didn't have a boyfriend because she felt the school wasn't good enough and was afraid it would affect my future. What a great woman! That's how I see her. She later divorced, and now she's remarried and has a child. I hope she's happy! My hope is completely selfless. I didn't pass my college entrance exam in my senior year of high school and went to a cram school. One night, I was playing games with classmates at an internet cafe. The private server for Legend of Mir was quite popular. I met Xiao Jiang on QQ. After puberty, my desire for women grew stronger every day. She was using the internet cafe on DaShiJie, the same one where I had previously met the internet cafe hostesses. Xiao Jiang asked me to come over and invite her to use the internet. We chatted for a while, and I remember saying I wanted to have sex with her. She didn't say yes or no, just asked me to come over. I was determined then and there to see her, and even sleep with her. That night, I was incredibly horny. As we chatted, the internet cafe girl's avatar appeared. It was time to settle old scores. That night, I had decided to lose my virginity, and she invited me over for barbecue. Torn between Xiao Jiang and the internet cafe girl, and considering the potential trouble Xiao Jiang might cause, I ultimately chose to see the girl. We each ordered a chicken wing and some lamb skewers. She also ordered a bottle of beer, and I had one glass—I'm not a big drinker to begin with. Later, I took her to her place, a hotel. I took her to the second floor; the hallway was dark, with sparse lights shining in from outside. She said she had to go upstairs, and I was a little reluctant to let her go. Slowly, we embraced. She wrapped her arms around my buttocks, and our lower bodies pressed together. This kind of embrace was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. The pleasure instantly spread throughout my body, blood rushed to my head, and I felt dizzy. The rush of blood made my head feel hot, yet I was also clear-headed, able to amplify the sensation of our touch so intensely. I leaned against the wall against her lower body, caressing her breasts and kissing her. She was menstruating; you could see for yourself. I saw pubic hair. Experience is crucial; I couldn't really tell the difference. What I learned from videos, without real-world experience, was useless, and I didn't know its specific effects on women. She asked if I wanted to come upstairs. Upstairs? In my mind, I imagined several women and men—what would they do to me? All I wanted was our own private world. We cuddled for a while in the second-floor hallway, and it was time to leave. Disappointed, my goal unfulfilled, I went to the internet cafe again. I checked QQ to see if Xiao Jiang was online; I had something important to do. But her avatar was black. I clicked on it and saw, "Coming or not?" "Coming or not? I'll wait ten minutes, ten more minutes at most..." I asked if she was online; she had indeed logged off. At the time, I didn't think much about Xiao Jiang's feelings. Helpless, I went back to school, climbed into bed, and released my pent-up pent-up desire. Because I lived at school, sometimes I would wait for Xiao Jiang by the window when I got home, but he would never show up. His dad had a girlfriend, and sometimes when he appeared, his dad's girlfriend was also there, or sometimes my family was there. I had a thought at the time: if I was home alone, I would wave her over and use a condom a classmate had given me. But I never had that opportunity. Then, another thing happened that year. Near my rented place, there was another family, whom I usually called Uncle Huang. Uncle Huang and my dad had a good relationship. Once, during a flood, he even carried me home on his back. He had a daughter, about my age, with big eyes and fair skin, named Meizi (that's also her real name). When she saw me, she would sometimes smile shyly. My dad would joke with her, saying that if I became his daughter-in-law, she would give me a back massage, and she actually did. Actually, I quite liked her too. I used to pass by her house when I went to school. Later, my older sister told me about the joke my dad made, and I became too embarrassed to pass by. A few times when I went to his house, my face turned bright red with embarrassment, and Uncle Huang would laugh at me for being more shy than a girl. My brother had been working in Beijing for a while. Sometimes he would call his house and ask us to pick him up. We didn't have landlines back then, and cell phones were expensive. One time, I went to her house to answer a call. She was on the second floor, and after the call, she told me something. She said someone had introduced her to a potential partner, a civil servant. She mentioned his conditions and said she didn't know what to do, seemingly asking for my opinion. She also seemed to know I liked her and wanted me to give up. I didn't say anything then, and I didn't know how to. Should I say yes, or should I just blurt out that I liked her and be with her? I simply didn't have the courage. In the end, I didn't give a definite answer, and just said, a little disappointed, that I wished her happiness. She politely replied thank you... Later, she went to school in Shanghai, and my family moved. We never crossed paths again. Later, my parents moved to Beijing, my eldest sister opened a kindergarten, my second sister started a business, and I also started my own business in Chengdu and settled down. In the meantime, one year, I took my current wife back to my hometown. My father treated us to dinner, and a good friend from our previous small business days came along. We chatted after dinner. This uncle told me a story. A few years ago, someone contacted my dad. I remember that family; we'd visited when my dad and I went to the countryside to collect agricultural products. We asked him to help lead the way. He had a very young grandson and several granddaughters, little girls we'd played with. It was a few years ago, and when the uncle told me about it, I couldn't quite remember what the little girls looked like. He said her grandfather was looking to arrange a marriage. Our family had moved away from that county town, and the uncle told the grandfather I'd gone to university in Shanghai. He never mentioned it again. My wife and mother were there when he told me this. My mother even seemed a little surprised that I'd never told them. Even though my wife was there, I was still hoping to meet him, but it remained a mystery. Time flies, and so many years have passed. Sometimes when I look back, I really miss it. I miss the brothers I went to school with, went to video arcades, and watched striptease shows with. I miss her, who, though it didn't work out, stirred up some waves in my life. It's all in the past, and it will never come back. Goodbye, my youth... [The End] Night Starry Night Gold Coins +8 Reposted and shared, a red envelope is offered!I offered to massage her back, and she actually did. Actually, I quite liked her too. I used to pass by her house on my way to school, but after my older sister told me about the joke my dad made, I became too embarrassed to pass by. A few times when I went to her house, my face turned bright red with embarrassment, and Uncle Huang laughed at me for being more shy than a girl. My brother was already working in Beijing, and sometimes he would call her house and ask us to pick him up. Back then, we didn't have landlines, and cell phone calls were expensive. One time, I went to her house to answer a phone call. She was on the second floor, and after the call, she told me something. She said someone had introduced her to a potential partner, a civil servant, and mentioned his conditions. She said she didn't know what to do, seemingly asking for my opinion. Did she know I liked her and wanted me to give up? I didn't say anything then, and I didn't know how to. Should I say yes, or jump in and say I liked her and wanted her to be with me? I just didn't have the courage, I just didn't. In the end, I didn't give a definite answer, and said, a little disappointed, that I wished her happiness. She politely replied thank you… Later, she went to school in Shanghai, and my family moved too. We never crossed paths again, never saw each other again. Later, my parents moved to Beijing, my eldest sister opened a kindergarten, my second sister started a business, and I also started my own business in Chengdu, establishing my own family. In the meantime, one year, I took my current wife back to my hometown. My father treated us to dinner, and a good friend from our previous small business days joined us. After dinner, we chatted. This uncle mentioned something: a few years ago, someone had contacted my father. I remembered that family; we had visited when my father and I went to the countryside to collect agricultural products, asking him to help lead the way. He had a very young grandson and several granddaughters, some little girls we'd played with. It was a few years ago, and when the uncle told me, I didn't quite remember what the little girls looked like. He said her grandfather wanted to arrange a marriage. Our family had moved away from that county, and the uncle told the grandfather that I had gone to university in Shanghai. He never mentioned it again. My wife and mother were there when he told me this, and my mother even seemed a little surprised that I'd never told them. Although my wife was with me, I was still hoping to meet him, but it remained an unresolved matter. Time flies, and so many years have passed. Sometimes when I look back, I really miss it. I miss the brothers I went to school with, went to video arcades, and watched striptease shows with. I miss her, who, though it didn't work out, stirred up some waves in my life. It's all in the past, and it will never come back. Goodbye, my youth... [The End] Night Starry Night Gold Coins +8 Reposted and shared, a red envelope is offered!I offered to massage her back, and she actually did. Actually, I quite liked her too. I used to pass by her house on my way to school, but after my older sister told me about the joke my dad made, I became too embarrassed to pass by. A few times when I went to her house, my face turned bright red with embarrassment, and Uncle Huang laughed at me for being more shy than a girl. My brother was already working in Beijing, and sometimes he would call her house and ask us to pick him up. Back then, we didn't have landlines, and cell phone calls were expensive. One time, I went to her house to answer a phone call. She was on the second floor, and after the call, she told me something. She said someone had introduced her to a potential partner, a civil servant, and mentioned his conditions. She said she didn't know what to do, seemingly asking for my opinion. Did she know I liked her and wanted me to give up? I didn't say anything then, and I didn't know how to. Should I say yes, or jump in and say I liked her and wanted her to be with me? I just didn't have the courage, I just didn't. In the end, I didn't give a definite answer, and said, a little disappointed, that I wished her happiness. She politely replied thank you… Later, she went to school in Shanghai, and my family moved too. We never crossed paths again, never saw each other again. Later, my parents moved to Beijing, my eldest sister opened a kindergarten, my second sister started a business, and I also started my own business in Chengdu, establishing my own family. In the meantime, one year, I took my current wife back to my hometown. My father treated us to dinner, and a good friend from our previous small business days joined us. After dinner, we chatted. This uncle mentioned something: a few years ago, someone had contacted my father. I remembered that family; we had visited when my father and I went to the countryside to collect agricultural products, asking him to help lead the way. He had a very young grandson and several granddaughters, some little girls we'd played with. It was a few years ago, and when the uncle told me, I didn't quite remember what the little girls looked like. He said her grandfather wanted to arrange a marriage. Our family had moved away from that county, and the uncle told the grandfather that I had gone to university in Shanghai. He never mentioned it again. My wife and mother were there when he told me this, and my mother even seemed a little surprised that I'd never told them. Although my wife was with me, I was still hoping to meet him, but it remained an unresolved matter. Time flies, and so many years have passed. Sometimes when I look back, I really miss it. I miss the brothers I went to school with, went to video arcades, and watched striptease shows with. I miss her, who, though it didn't work out, stirred up some waves in my life. It's all in the past, and it will never come back. Goodbye, my youth... [The End] Night Starry Night Gold Coins +8 Reposted and shared, a red envelope is offered!

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Looking back on the real past, farewell to my youth.

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