In Beijing, within the walls of the palace, an incestuous relationship between aunt and nephew - Chapter Three

page views:1 Publication date:2023-04-05

The boy, dressed neatly, lay flat on the bed with his arm as a pillow, listening to the Second Rabdoll played from his expensive system, deep in thought.
It's less about thinking and more about escaping reality. There's no logic, let alone critical thinking. My mind keeps popping up with completely unrelated thoughts like, "Why listen to Rachmaninoff? Listening to Vivaldi would ruin the atmosphere. Isn't 'Fate' more exciting? No, no, that would scare my family outside."
What? What is he thinking?
That is naturally the eternal and profound philosophical question for lovelorn men and women: What is love?
"...What the hell is this love for him—"
The sudden outburst of profanity startled him, and it took him a while to realize that he was in so much heartache that he couldn't breathe.
He turned over and looked at the cardboard box piled next to the bookshelf. Inside were the digital player and headphone amplifier he had always dreamed of. The boy had promised his parents that he would get them as a reward after the college entrance examination, but now there was still more than a month until that life-determining exam. They were a gift from the person he cherished in his heart. He didn't feel inferior because he was being kept by that beautiful woman, because these gifts were a consolation for a loser, a pathetic farewell gift, and an ugly compensation.
He opened that loathsome cardboard box, inside which was the woman's letter, the envelope bearing her delicate handwriting: "Respectfully presented to my nephew Xuli."
However, he had no intention of lifting the seal.
Xu Li considered tearing up the letter and smashing the bronze and iron, but were they guilty? They weren't, but he was, and the woman who wrote the letter was guilty. Their being together was a sin, just like the description in the book he had thrown on the ground.
As he read, his guilt intensified. He told his family he was studying, reading for exams, but he was tormented by base desires, casting aside noble knowledge. He picked up Mr. Tu's "The Taboo of Incest," thinking of the primal fears of our ancestors, the various taboos set to prevent unions between people of different generations and ages, and how he himself had broken them all… And her? She had confessed and accepted her punishment; she was to reform. The boy questioned himself: should he continue indulging in unrealistic fantasies?
He then looked at the book still on his bed, Mr. Fei's "The System of Reproduction" which he had just been reading.
Even with his mind in turmoil, Mr. Fei's words moved him. The greatness of humanity's pursuit of continuation, combined with Mr. Fei's personality, knowledge, and ideals, touched the boy deeply. What did his own little love matter? Human union is a responsibility, for the purpose of reproduction and raising offspring. His relationship with her was not a healthy example, and even from a legal standpoint, they had no chance.
"Oh--"
He slumped back onto the bed, turning the music up even louder, trying to escape reality.
Did Mr. Fei also use his functionalist approach to escape reality, to escape his beloved, prematurely deceased wife?
He knew he was being disrespectful. Mr. Fei's vibrant words had nourished and encouraged him, and even his stern father revered the deceased old man, proudly telling the boy that Mr. Fei had written a letter praising his writing in his later years when he saw the book he had bought. He also knew that people came together not for some vague feeling of attraction and love. He tried to be a nihilist about love, but the pain in his heart and the physical reaction of not being able to eat or drink were still real. He could not get rid of the pleasure he had experienced in that sinful period.
His mind was filled with memories of that person again. Her smile was so charming and lovely, her skin was so fair and smooth, her scent was so fresh and alluring. He was about to lose everything about her—his aunt was getting married today.
Why did things develop this way...?
He immediately understood that this was the natural outcome; losing his aunt was the norm in the world.
Is love truly about possession...?
He rejected this naive idea once again. There is no possession between family members; they possess each other. Even if she is not his lover, she is still his aunt. Even if they are not husband and wife, they will support each other and walk together. He will see her again and will not lose her...
No.
The boy failed to convince himself once again. Staring at the cold, brushed metal panel in the cardboard box, he realized he had long lost the passionate and lovely girl from his memories. His aunt would be a different person from now on, someone who had accepted reality, was indifferent to the boy, and tried hard to forget the unbearable past.
He didn't want to smash the gift, that would make him look ridiculous; he didn't want to use the gift, that would make him feel dirty—yes, dirty, dirty in the way of soiling her, and dirty in accepting the reality of today.
The boy, lost in his own world, was awakened by the sound of his mother opening the door. "Xuli, let's... turn it down. I thought you were really studying! Let's go first, let's get to the venue. The house is too messy."
Outside his bedroom, there was a cacophony of voices: relatives, neighbors, photographers, makeup artists, bridesmaids, and people he knew and didn't know were all crammed into what was originally a fairly spacious old house.
He left with his mother, who was dressed elegantly and whose tired face was tinged with joy. The boy tried his best to cooperate with his family, responding to their greetings, trying to appear indifferent yet slightly resentful, and to portray himself as the little nephew who had the best relationship with the beautiful woman.
"Hey, I just arrived and I'm already leaving."
The neighbor, an elderly woman, scolded Xuli with a strong voice. Having no sons in her family, she had doted on him since childhood, even coming over after meals to watch him eat. She said she loved watching the boy slurp and devour his food. Xuli knew she treated him like a son she never had, a grandson she never had. But even she, who cared for him so much, didn't question him much today. Hearing his mother say, "Aunt Wang, we're leaving now," he continued to comfort his sobbing grandmother.
"My dear sister, why are you crying? You should be happy! The fourth daughter is getting married, and Old Hou can finally rest easy—"
—————————————
As usual, Xu Li sat in the back seat, listening to his mother nagging about everyday matters while driving. But today, he felt no impatience; instead, he found this routine so precious, until his mother started complaining about today's wedding arrangements.
"Are you even listening?! Honestly, you're daydreaming," his mother didn't want to criticize him too much for his recent state, assuming it was just because he was under too much pressure with the college entrance exam coming up. "You have to go to tutoring this afternoon, and you're leaving without even checking on your aunt."
Yes, he didn't go to see his aunt in her room, the one who was surrounded by everyone today. Even yesterday, he hadn't spoken to her; he hadn't even looked at her. He didn't dare to look closely into her eyes, pretending she didn't exist. Even when she spoke to him, he would just nod and brush it off. He was afraid, afraid of the resolute look in a woman's eyes. The day she told him about herself was so terrifying.
"I'm getting married, Prelude."
That day, she wore a thin white sweater that boys liked. Even with her short hair, she was still beautiful and charming, or rather, even cuter. Yes, her smile was so adorable, the light shimmering on her soft skin. Her new hairstyle revealed her forehead, and her smile showed off her familiar dimples. Her nose was curled up, without a trace of grievance.
He had actually expected it, but at that moment he still experienced stomach cramps and felt weak all over.
He didn't reply, and his gaze only met hers briefly before looking away. The two had actually been silent for some time now, a week... two weeks... or a month? But compared to making plans to get married, it was still too fast.
He didn't ask why; he just listened as she recounted the story of the man she married to her family. Even though he felt nauseous, he still wanted to know more.
He made a final stand, complaining to his mother and grandmother about her hasty marriage, about how that flashy but impractical man took her to a tasteless place like Guijie Street, about how they went to see a third-rate romance movie there, about how he bought a nice car but didn't own a house... But his aunt was the apple of everyone's eye, and no one could object to her in the end.
"Look at you, don't be upset..."
前排的母亲撇着後视镜说道，「你小姨你也不是不知道，一根筋……我其实也劝过她，我问过她单位的领导，追她的大有人在，谁知道怎麽选了你现在的姨夫。」
【姨夫——】
男孩张了张嘴，不想说这个词，他把头抵在了前排後座上，隐藏起自己的苦笑，「是，是啊……小姨就那样，对，对了，王奶奶怎麽叫小姨四姑娘？」
没想到这转移话题的随口一语，竟令母亲骤然沉默，露出了奇怪的怀念中带着不忍的表情。
「……四姑娘，啊，」母亲又顿了顿，「恩，就是四姑娘，不是加上你舅舅排行老四，其实啊，是你妈我之後还你还有个姨。」
「啊？」
奇怪的是序礼并没有多少惊讶，深陷悲思的他反而差不多猜出了缘由。
「唉……当年你那个姨，她就，应该叫夭折了吧……又赶上十年动乱，那会你姥爷还下干校了，唉，发烧，送医院也查不出来什麽病，就两天，烧着烧着就那麽过去了，最後一面你姥爷都没见到……」母亲的语调低沉，还有些不正经，可男孩知道，她隐藏起了哀思和沉痛，毕竟那是一个人，一个亲人，「没赶上好时候啊，查出来了那会也缺医少药的估计也治不好……唉，所以啊，他最疼你小姨。」
「啊，」他想到那个老头子，想到今天热闹的家中，居然不由得有点嫉妒，嫉妒她，嫉妒他的最爱，怨恨着她的随心所欲，似乎她从一出生就有人这权利，也许正是因爲全家人的爱，他才能如此平淡地伤害自己吧，「真好啊，小姨。」
「他也疼你的，序礼。」母亲连这点小心思都听了出来，「你出生後他就最疼你了，爸他是怕你们每一个人有事，他看着你们长大就高兴。」
他想着老人的笑，即使那老人的面孔已经模糊，老人的声音已经陌生，只要想到他，男孩就得知自己被爱着，就能获得了力量，好好活下去的力量。
母亲看着他缓过神来欣慰地微笑着，「你也长大了，我才跟你说这些。家里的很多事啊，你姥姥也不愿意提——」
「行了行了，什麽地震啊，什麽你考大学啊，听都听出茧子了。」
「嘿你小子——」
是的，他长大了。
【是啊，我长大了。】
男孩再一次从那胸口里的沉闷确认了这点。他长大了，他失恋了。
————————————————
男孩坐在角落的一桌，不熟悉的亲戚间有一口没一口的吃着，婚宴的菜品堪称豪华，但他食之无味。
周围的大叔大妈更是聊着无聊至极的事情，什麽谁谁来了没有，谁谁现在在干吗，谁谁生病了，饭店真好啊，排场真大啊，时间一晃就过去了，男孩都这麽大了、没想到小姨她都结婚了。
他还是不喜欢凑热闹，热烈的气氛，并没有开空调的五月份，都让他感到头昏脑涨。
序礼没有去迎接婚车，一直坐在这里，看着人来人往，周末的补课从来没有让他如此期待过，他一次次看着时间，一次次叹气，他终于在人群中寻觅到了母亲。
「妈，妈，」他找到救星般跑了过去，「到点了吧，该去补课了吧。」
「你着什麽急？」他母亲自然见了鬼一般看着他，「真是的，你跑哪去了，你小姨找了半天你都找不到，家里人都去准备室最後见面了，马上就开始了。」
他忍着想要看小姨穿婚纱的欲望，忍着想要拽着那雪白的藕臂逃跑的欲望，面无表情地陈述着补课地点很远、他会迟到的似是而非的事实。
「你这孩子，」母亲拉着男孩就走，「论不清主次，你今天晚点怕什麽，再说你爸和小齐还没到，不知道在哪呢。」
小齐是他父亲的司机，今天自然父母都没法送儿子去上课，只能拜托别人，要不然就得男孩自己打车，可男孩莫名忽略了打车先行的选项，也许心里还有某种期待，即使他知道绝不可能，那是害人害己，赶快从她的阴影中逃离才是最佳选项，但那不可能的浪漫行径也要被他本人亲自否决，才能让他内心安甯。
序礼被母亲拖拽到了准备室，姥姥舅舅他们刚出来，他舅舅那个乐天派今天胡子刮得十分干净，咧着大嘴没有自觉地调笑着，「赶快进去啊，你不去你小姨都要不嫁啦。」
舅妈恨铁不成钢地拍着这老男人，「瞎说什麽呢你！」
姥姥推着他伴随着抽泣让他赶快进去，嘴里念叨着哭声更盛，男孩母亲劝了半天才搀扶走了老太太。
他最终还是没了逃避的余地，只能忐忑地打开了那扇豪华的木门。
宽敞的开间里只摆了简单的沙发桌椅和梳妆镜，屋子正中立着一道娇柔欲坠的倩影，好在没有别人，那个让他嫉妒得撕心裂肺的男人也许正在迎客吧。
这里没有他记忆里与她相会的房间的逼仄晦暗，采光极好，正午的阳光让挺拔曼妙的她与白色婚纱融爲一体，犹如女神降临尘世，完美的脸庞淌着圣洁慈悲的泪。
「你！」她刚要像以前那样指责自己的外甥，见他神情木讷，没有伤心没有气氛，一下就没了气势，泪水落到了手里抱的花束上，「……你来了。」
他走了过去，如同行屍走肉，僵硬得可怕，张了张嘴，发不出声，舌头顶在牙床上，忍耐着抽搐，半天才做出了个微笑。
「……恭——喜了，小姨。」
他只有【恭】字吐得最爲响亮，直至【姨】字，业已悄声到不可闻。
房间里的日光越来越晃人眼球，男孩眯着眼，看那穿着白衣的精灵变换着表情，看她即使流汗流泪依然无损的红妆，他觉得那里面集结了时间一切的美好，但那美好已经离他而去。
她紧闭嘴唇擡着嘴角，那是能和最顶尖偶像媲美的微笑，更别提配合着那水润的眸子圣洁的衣着，他将要在此告别自己的青春。
「再见——……唔哇！」
碰——！
小姨手上的花束被甩到了他的脸上，动粗的女人咬着粉唇泪眼婆娑。
「乐序礼！你他妈混蛋！」
【到底怎麽才会变成这样的呢？】
倒在地上的他捂着红肿的鼻头，空空如也的脑袋里冒出了很多无关紧要的记忆——有小时候他们互相指责的画面；有去年他们在餐厅互相喂食、偷偷咬着冰块接吻的画面；有近期他见到她转身就走的画面——
「序礼！」
面前的她叫着他，就像记忆力背後玩命呼唤着自己名字的女人一样。
他慢慢坐起了身，感受到了她後悔担心的目光，可他的铁石心肠拍开了女人的小手。
序礼当然想被她的手抚摸，想让她嫩白的臂膀、整个嫩白的娇躯靠到他的身上，然而他不想接受怜悯。
「小姨……」他终于擡起头瞧着她了，「够了吧，就这样吧，早晚的事。」
是的，早晚的事，小姨的婚事拖得了三年五载，能拖得了十年二十年？他在说服她，也在说服自己，拖得越久，就越难舍难分；而且小姨是衆人焦点，而男孩自己都不知道自己哪里能让人投怀送抱，如果一直看着她，看着如此完美的她，被她牵着鼻子走，以後又怎麽能有正常的人生。
「就到此爲止吧，」他的视线也渐渐变得模糊，正到继续动情之演说时，咚——的一声，脑袋又被撞得头昏脑涨。
「唔——你干嘛！？」
而回答他的只有小姨的呜咽，她明亮黝黑的瞳近在咫尺，那种瞪视让他无处可逃。
「唔唔……呼，」她弯着腰，半跪在他面前，雪白的婚纱浮在他笔挺强壮的身上，她虽然吸着鼻子却变得十分强势，「你没看信吧！」
「……谁，谁会看那玩意儿。」
男孩尴尬地撇开头，被这麽追问，他之前失恋後顾影自怜完全不看对方信件的扭捏姿态，就显得有些幼稚不成熟。
「你要说什麽……能说什麽？再说你自己不会说，藏在那里面。」
「你——！」
女人再次蜷缩起鼻头，哀怨得又要掉眼泪，感觉一切都和这个认死理的小情人说不清楚，要是嘴上好说干嘛要写到信里，又有谁知道这个少年一根筋到能忍住不拆信。
「你，我之前叫了你那麽多次，你立马就跑掉，怎麽和你说！」
她埋怨着男孩也埋怨着自己，看着他更加成熟的脸，轻轻地把手搭在那性感的下颚、鼻梁，习惯性捉弄玩弄对方的自己终于得来了报应。
"What else is there to say..."
Although the boy did not dodge his aunt's caresses, he seemed awkward and uncomfortable, showing his refusal. However, his dissatisfaction was immediately dispelled by the woman's sobbing.
"Listen to people—listen to what people say...you silly goose!"
Why is she so captivating? Why is she so adorable? Why was she, a celestial being, allowed to be tainted by worldly love?
The boy finally understood the old saying that "a hero's tomb is a place of gentle pleasures." All his mental preparation and unwavering determination were shattered by the trembling, weak rebuke.
"I'm listening, I'm listening, Auntie, please don't cry."
Once his locked heart was opened, it crumbled completely. Her scent, her soft breaths, her gentle yet capricious nature—he couldn't help but help her up. He cupped her rosy cheeks with relief. "Don't worry, I won't be angry. It's already like this, so Auntie will still be Auntie. I won't—uh!"
Her hands, which had been resting on his chest, pinched the soft flesh of his cheeks. Her furrowed brows seemed to convey a sense of heartache for the boy. "Honestly, you're overthinking things again. What are you thinking about?"
My aunt tiptoed slightly and gently touched his chin with her mouth, biting her lower lip and smiling like a young girl. "Do you remember the last time we went to the movies?"
Her bright face and words made the boy's heart sink again, reminding him of the weekend when it all started, a weekend he didn't want to recall.

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In Beijing, within the walls of the palace, an incestuous relationship between aunt and nephew - Chapter Three

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