My cousin and I

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Although some time has passed, I know I'll never forget it. I believe my sister feels the same way.
Today, I've finally decided to reveal this secret. I won't remain anonymous, since you don't know me anyway, but what I'm saying is all true.
My
sister is actually my aunt's daughter, my cousin. She's only a few months younger than me. However, because our two families are very close—I'm an only child, and my sister is my aunt's only daughter—and my mother really wanted a daughter, my family basically treated my sister as our daughter, and she often came to stay with us.

I remember when we were little, I loved sleeping with my sister the most. It was strange that I didn't want to sleep with my parents at such a young age, but preferred to sleep with my sister.
What's even stranger is that my sister also loved sleeping with me.
I would often hold my sister's hand and tell my mother: "When I grow up, I want my sister to be my wife, I want to be with my sister." At this time, my sister would smile sweetly,
and my mother would always laugh and say to us: "Okay, okay. When you grow up, we'll let you marry your sister." That silly child…
Back then, my biggest wish was to grow up quickly. Although I didn't really know what growing up meant, I knew that growing up meant I could marry my sister.

Slowly, we really did grow up. I should say our family lineage was pretty good. In high school, I grew into a fairly handsome boy, while my sister became a universally acknowledged beauty.
At this time, I was just beginning to understand things about relationships between men and women. Looking at my increasingly beautiful sister, I started to have some very strange feelings, feelings that even I didn't understand.

In high school, my sister and I were in the same school but different classes. At that time, some people in school had already started dating. I admit I was a late bloomer in this regard. While my friends were discussing which girl in school was prettier, which guy had lost his virginity, and how many women he had slept with, I was still sweating and playing football and basketball, or entertaining myself with Jin Yong novels. Actually, I'm not bad off; I'm the star striker on the school soccer team, and I'm quite well-known at school. I've even received love letters from girls. But I always felt that finding a girlfriend was less important than playing soccer.

My sister (QQ: 344046479) was clearly much more mature than me. Maybe girls usually mature earlier than boys! Back then, my sister was considered the school beauty, and since my aunt's family was well-off, many people liked and secretly admired her. Some bolder boys even sent her love letters and flowers. A few times, it even caused a big stir, alarming the whole school. At that time, I always had a strange feeling. In my eyes, the other girls couldn't compare to soccer. But my sister was different; she was like a piece of my heart. I was afraid someone would take her away.

Actually, at that time, I already knew that it was impossible for my sister and me to be together. If we were together, it would be incest. Don't ask me where I learned that word; I don't know either. I just knew it. So I could only force myself to accept that I only had brotherly feelings for my sister to numb myself.
Several times I asked my sister, "So many boys like you, don't you like any of them?" She would always look at me with wide eyes and then say very seriously, "I don't like those kinds of guys. They're all so fake romantic, sending love letters and flowers—it's so cliché! I like sunny, humorous, athletic boys who make me feel happy and safe."
I said, "You've been reading too many novels! There's no such thing!"
My sister replied, "Aren't you one?" Haha…

Although she was just saying it casually, I had a strange feeling.
This feeling accompanied me throughout my three years of high school.
Finally, the college entrance exam came. For three years, my sister hadn't accepted any suitors, but instead focused on her studies. She ended up getting into a top university in Changsha, while I only got into an ordinary university in my own city.
This was the first time my sister and I had to be separated. I still remember how she threw herself into my arms and cried when I saw her off at the train station. I felt like I'd suddenly been hollowed out. It

wasn't until I got to university that I truly understood what freedom meant. Under the influence of my friends, I "thrived." At this point, football was no longer important to me; women were. Porn was played daily in the dorm, accelerating everyone's maturation.
Almost immediately after starting school, my dorm buddies all had their own "friends with benefits," while I, a late bloomer, blushed at the sight of girls, let alone pursued one. I remained single. But

fate was kind to me. With the help of my dorm buddies, we became sister dorms with a girls' dorm. So, the two dorms agreed to go out together—basically, a blind date. Surprisingly, my shyness and somewhat handsome appearance won over a girl of average build, average looks, and average family background. She called me and asked me out. My dorm buddies were happy for me, saying they could finally get rid of the last virgin.

To avoid spoiling my buddies' fun, I went on a few dates with that girl alone. It was nothing more than shopping, movies, and meals. The more I got to know her, the more ordinary and mundane she seemed. I couldn't help but compare her to my sister, and the more I compared, the less interested I became. I thought: I can't sell my feelings for sex!
Finally, one evening after self-study, I asked the girl out and told her the truth. The girl was heartbroken and cried, saying I was the first boy she had ever liked, and this was the first time in her life I'd made a girl cry for me. I didn't know what to do. I could only tell her that I'd always had a girl I really liked, so I couldn't accept her, and I was sorry.
I knew that the girl I was referring to was my sister.

Back in my dorm, my mind was in turmoil. I started missing my sister terribly!
I realized it had been over two months since I'd contacted her—the longest I'd ever gone without her. I rummaged through my things and found her dorm phone number and called. Hearing her familiar voice immediately calmed me down. My sister got angry with me, asking why I hadn't contacted her for so long.
I said, "You haven't contacted me either, have you?"
She said, "You... idiot, too lazy to talk to you. QQ: 344046479."
I said, "Okay, okay! From now on, I'll call you every two days and write you a letter every week. Are you satisfied
now?" My sister finally cheered up, saying, "That's more like it

. Just one phone call with my sister can make me feel better." I knew I couldn't deceive myself anymore. I had definitely fallen in love with my sister, but I also knew this kind of feeling was hopeless. Besides, my sister only saw me as a brother. My feelings were so complicated that I couldn't even put them into words. It was a true internal struggle.
That night, I watched some porn with my roommates, and my heightened erection led me to masturbate for the first time in my life. The object of my sexual fantasy was my sister.
For the first time, I felt that volcanic eruption of pleasure, followed by deep self-reproach. I was such a beast! How could I have thought of doing that kind of thing with my sister...

After that, I kept my promise: a phone call every two days and a letter every week. My sister and I talk about almost everything. I tell her everything that happens at school, like when I get injured playing soccer or get caught sleeping in class. She always listens with great interest. She also tells me about her school life,
but she's never mentioned anything about relationships. Once, I couldn't resist asking her if she had a boyfriend.
She answered very seriously, "I'm too young to think about that. Studying is more important."
I said, "You must have a lot of suitors!"
My sister said, "Yeah! It's like the men here can't live without girlfriends. They call and harass us every day, it's so annoying. You don't harass your female classmates like that, do you?" Haha...
I said, "Bullshit, I'm not that bored." I have very high standards. My QQ number is 344046479.

Finally, winter vacation was almost here, and I was practically counting down the days. I was counting down the days until my sister came back. On the day she was supposed to come home, I rushed to the train station early in the morning to wait for her. When I saw her, I realized that she had become even more beautiful, mature, and womanly in the past six months. Her figure was also fuller than in high school. Maybe it's because the studies in college aren't as stressful as in high school, and she's more relaxed!
My sister was very happy to see me and rushed into my arms. I was so excited! I guess a lot of people would have mistaken us for a couple.

Winter vacation began! To spend more time with my sister, I stayed at my aunt's house. After a few days, I noticed that my sister was receiving a lot of phone calls every day. And when she answered the phone, she always had a sweet smile. My heart was pounding like a drum. What's worse is that she always seems to be hiding from me when she takes the phone. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and asked her, "Why do you get so many calls every day? Is it your boyfriend?"
My sister grinned and said, "What's it to you? Why are you being so nosy?"
I suddenly got angry and snapped at her, "So what if you have a boyfriend? Why do you have to hide from me when you take the phone?"
My sister was startled and took a moment to say, "Why are you angry? We're all my roommates, what boyfriend? It's ridiculous. Of course, girls don't want their boys to hear certain things on the phone!"
That's when I realized how neurotic I had become, how much I cared about my sister.

During the Chinese New Year, I went shopping with my sister for new clothes. As we walked, I left her behind. She said I was walking too fast and she couldn't keep up. I said there was nothing I could do, I'm used to this pace. Suddenly, my sister took my arm and said, "This way I won't fall behind you. Let's go!"
My heart was pounding, and my face flushed. This was the first time I'd been so close to a girl since I was old enough to understand. Sometimes I even felt my sister's chest brush against my arm. Oh my god! I was a little dizzy!
But I couldn't let my sister know what I was thinking. I felt so dirty, always thinking such dirty thoughts.
I bought a few new clothes for my sister and a few for myself. The saleswoman was a little too enthusiastic. Seeing that my sister and I came in arm in arm, she assumed we were a couple and kept showing us the latest couple outfits, saying we would look good in them. My sister smiled and said to me, "Hehe, try it on! Boyfriend." Haha...
that incredibly stupid saleswoman added,
"Yes, your boyfriend would look great in it." I was so dizzy... but secretly I was happy.

Actually, many times I've been a little unclear about my relationship with my sister. I can sense that her feelings for me are a little ambiguous, but I'm not sure, and I really don't dare to break through the shackles of societal norms. This feeling was always buried deep in my heart. Sometimes, beautiful things are enough to keep in your heart. That's what I thought
until the May Day holiday that year, when I went to Changsha. I saw my sister, and we were both very happy. My sister accompanied me in Changsha. Once, while crossing the street, I unintentionally held my sister's hand. I felt that her hand was soft and smooth, as if it had no bones. I was a little reluctant to let go, and I even saw my sister blush... qq344046479

Heart Like an Empty Valley 2005-9-11 10:45 am

As a result, we both had a rather awkward day on May Day. When I took my sister back to her dormitory that evening, at the dormitory door, my sister suddenly called my name. She called my name, not "brother." I was just wondering what was going on when I saw my sister rush into my arms, hug me tightly, and quickly say: "I like you." Then she ran back to her dormitory like a shot.
My feelings at that moment can only be described as shock, happiness, and contradiction. I couldn't sleep all night. I didn't know how to face my sister the next day. At the time, I was staying in a small rented room in Changsha, in a middle school classmate's apartment. Those familiar with Changsha should know it's in Yuwan City. My classmate, who was 51, had given me the room when he went home. The room was tiny, with just a bed and a computer next to it.

I understood what my sister meant by those words; she called me by my name instead of "brother." If I still didn't understand, I'd be a complete idiot. But I hesitated. I couldn't accept this kind of love.
Yet, I admired my sister's courage; how could she say it? I tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep, finally deciding to wait until I saw her. The next day, I didn't finally decide to see her until very late. It was almost afternoon. I called her dorm, and her roommate said she was out. Then she asked if I was XX. I said, "Yes. Do you know me?" She said, "She has a letter for you; come and get it." I waited for ages outside her dorm before a girl finally came over and asked if I was XX. Then she handed me a very thick letter and said, "She wrote it all night and even cried. I've known her for so long and I've never seen her like this before. She must love you very much; you must cherish her!"
I was stunned and could only nod blankly. Then I took the letter back to my house to read it. I opened the envelope and counted the pages—twelve whole pages, densely packed with writing.

Almost everything in the letter was about my sister and me in the past: the first time I fought for her! The gifts I gave her! There were many things I wouldn't have remembered if I hadn't seen this letter, but my sister remembered every single one clearly, including when and where it happened. My sister said that almost since she was old enough to understand, she had only ever liked one boy—me. She asked if I had noticed that since high school, we had spent Valentine's Day together every year. She spent the millennium with me, and my birthday with me. On almost every important day, my sister was always with me. I realized how foolish and careless I had been. Some days I had never paid attention to were actually so meaningful. After reading my sister's letter, I felt my heart bleeding, and my eyes welled up with tears. I thought I was the only one suffering the most, but it turns out my sister suffered a hundred times more than me, and for three whole years longer.

After reading the letter, I started frantically calling. I called her cell phone, her dorm phone. But her cell phone was always off, and her dorm said she hadn't come back. I felt like someone going through withdrawal, unable to sit or stand still. Every part of my body felt uncomfortable. Finally, I decided to wait for her downstairs at
her dorm! Surely she'd come back to sleep eventually! I waited downstairs for over five hours, until almost 11 pm, before I finally saw her slowly walking back alone.
I practically rushed to her: "Where have you been? Why wasn't your phone on? Don't you know how worried I was?"
My sister was startled by my sudden appearance, and without saying a word, tears streamed down her face. Seeing her cry felt like a knife was being plunged into my heart. I knew that if I didn't react, she would suffer even more. I hugged her tightly!
She cried and said, "I was so scared, afraid you'd say I was shameless. I was afraid to turn on my phone, afraid to go back to the dorm." Afraid you'd say you didn't like me,
I said, "You idiot! I've liked you for a long time. I've liked you since we were little, and I always have. I told you I'd marry you! Have you forgotten?"
By this time, my sister was already crying her eyes out.

I slowly pushed her away, looking at her tear-streaked face. I finally mustered the courage to gently kiss away her tears. My sister trembled in my arms, stared at me with wide eyes, and then slowly closed them.
There were very few people on the street by then. I thought, "Well, it's come to this anyway. So be it!" I steeled myself, closed my eyes, and kissed her.
This was absolutely my first kiss, and so was my sister's. Neither of us had any experience; we could only learn from what we'd seen in movies, with absolutely no technique involved. But it was the most perfect kiss of my life. I truly understand why some people say kisses are sweet, because I genuinely felt it was sweet, incredibly sweet.

May 3rd, 200x. (Please forgive me for not being able to say the exact date.) I will always remember this day; I don't know if it counts as a turning point in my life.
That night, I took my sister back to my classmate's house. It was already the early morning of the 3rd. Because neither of us had slept well the night before, my sister fell asleep as soon as she lay down on the bed. My sister was lying in my arms, and I could hardly believe it. Just a day ago, we hadn't even dared to hold hands, and now we were sleeping together. Looking at my sleeping sister, I gently kissed her little mouth, and then I fell asleep too.
I swear to God, nothing really happened between us that night. Maybe we were too tired; even our sex drive wasn't particularly strong!

I didn't wake up until around noon. When I woke up, my sister was already up, playing on the computer. Suddenly, I didn't know how to talk to my sister anymore, and I felt incredibly awkward. After I completely sorted out what had happened, I hugged her small waist from behind and pressed my face against hers: "What are you playing?"
My sister gently and affectionately replied, "You're awake!"
I had never heard my sister speak to me so gently before; it was definitely a girlfriend's tone towards her boyfriend, completely different from how she used to talk to her brother. It seemed my sister had completed this psychological transition. For a moment, I was stunned, because I had never imagined that a girl as beautiful as my sister would become my girlfriend. It felt like a dream.
My sister saw me staring blankly and chuckled, even kissing me on the cheek: "What are you daydreaming about?" Silly me,
I felt so happy, and foolishly said, "You're so beautiful." My sister (QQ number 344046479)
said, "You're only just realizing this?
At this point, I was already losing control. I pulled her close and kissed her. This time was completely different from last night because I was a bit rough, not as gentle as last night. The more I kissed her, the more I felt my body change. My sister probably sensed it too and tried to push me away, but I was like a madwoman. My sister wasn't as strong as me. Soon, her breathing became rapid, her chest heaving, her face was flushed, and her eyes started to glaze over. We had both lost our senses.

Because of the tension, although I was a bit clumsy, I finally managed to take off her clothes. I won't call her my sister anymore, because at that moment, I considered her the woman I loved most in my life, no longer just my sister. This was the first time in my life I had ever seen a woman's body. My blood vessels were about to burst. She just desperately tried to cover herself with a blanket. For a moment, I was at a loss. I didn't know what to do, so I dug out all the porn I had ever seen." She was really beautiful, with fair skin and a great figure. We just clung to each other haphazardly, unsure of what to do next.
Those with experience know the difference between a virgin and a non-virgin—it's like the difference between a narrow path and a highway; one is difficult to navigate, the other is unobstructed. I was a complete virgin at the time, utterly inexperienced, and couldn't find the right direction. I wandered around

aimlessly for half an hour, ultimately failing to consummate our relationship. It felt like fate; in that instant, I suddenly lost all sexual desire. I stopped all movement and lay quietly beside her. Seeing me like this, she softly asked, "What's wrong?"
I replied listlessly, "Sister! What we're doing is incest!"
Then I didn't say anything more, nor did I want to. I know that there were many cases of cousins marrying in Chinese history, even before liberation, but society is different now. Although I know that our love didn't harm anyone else, it was still unacceptable to society. Our relationship had no future. I don't know if my thinking was right, but at that moment, I decided to give up.

My sister didn't say anything more, and we lay there quietly for a long time. Finally, she cried, but firmly told me: "I don't know if we're committing incest, but no matter what, I don't regret it."
My sister's words moved me deeply. It wasn't that I didn't love her, but I just couldn't untie the knot in my heart. In the end, I told her: "We can try to be together, but don't let anyone who knows us know. Also, let's not do this again."
I'm not impotent, nor do I not want to have sex with my sister; I just thought that if we hadn't done it, at least there would be room for reconciliation, at least my sister's innocence would be preserved.
My sister was naturally very happy that I agreed to be with her, and readily agreed to my request.

The next few days were probably the happiest days of my life! My sister and I could go shopping hand in hand like other couples every day, take photos together, and even when there was only one seat left on the bus, I would hold her in my arms and let her sit on my lap. All
the cats at Changsha University and Hunan Normal University know about the "Fallen Street," right? During that time, we spent almost every day there! It was a paradise for student couples; countless college couples were there every day. My sister and I seemed like one of them, because in Changsha, nobody knew us. Everyone just saw us as a couple deeply in love, and honestly, we enjoyed that feeling. We even invited her best friend from her dorm to dinner. When my sister introduced me, of course, she called me her boyfriend. Her friends were very happy for her, saying she had finally found someone she liked. At these times, my sister and I would smile at each other. Happy times always

pass quickly, and the May Day holiday was almost over. Since clarifying things with my sister, I spent every day with her, except when sleeping. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but I really wasn't sure that nothing would happen if I slept with her. When she took me home, the reluctant look in her eyes almost melted my heart. I could only pretend to be nonchalant and say to her: "Silly girl, it's not like we won't see each other again. Summer vacation will be here soon!" "And we can still talk on the phone, right?"
My sister just nodded, but her eyes reddened. It wasn't until I boarded the train and it started moving that I truly understood what it meant to be separated by life and death. The heart-wrenching pain

made me want to jump off the train several times. Back at school, I didn't know what I was doing for days. I was completely sleepwalking, losing interest in everything except thinking about the days and nights I spent in Changsha talking to my sister on the phone, pouring out my longing. My roommates said I was like a different person. I told them I was in love and showed them photos of myself and my sister. They were all impressed, wondering how I could have such a beautiful girlfriend. I could only lie and say she was my high school classmate. At that time, I was actually very sad. I started to feel that my relationship with my sister was something we couldn't be acknowledged, that our happiness only existed between the two of us.

The real pain had only just begun! Finally, summer vacation arrived, and my sister came back and stayed at my house. But we could both feel the pain of not being able to be seen in public. In front of my parents, we had to pretend nothing was wrong and maintain a brother-sister relationship. Only after our parents went to work could we unleash our intense love. We're both young and so in love, and since it's summer and we wear less clothing, many times our intimacy almost made me lose control. But at crucial moments, I managed to stay somewhat sane. I rushed into the bathroom to take a cold shower and then masturbated. Seeing me like this, my sister repeatedly told me, "If it's so painful, don't hold back anymore. I really won't regret it."
I smiled and told her, "Silly, I'm fine. I'm not with you for that kind of thing."

I admit my sister is braver than me. Every time I wanted to back out, it was her persistence and determination that moved me. Actually, my sister has always been the one carefully maintaining this relationship. (qq344046479)
My sister's wallet contains a photo booth picture of us, a picture of her kissing me. I told her, "Don't keep such a close photo. It wouldn't be good if Mom and Dad saw it."
But she said, "If they see it, we'll just explain. We haven't done anything wrong, what's there to be afraid of?"
At times like this, I don't know how to answer. I don't know if we've done anything wrong, and how our parents and aunts will react if they find out.

My sister is very well-behaved; she cleans the house very well every day, so when Mom and Dad come home from work, there's a ready-made meal. Mom often says to us, "Whoever marries my daughter (Mom always calls my sister's daughter) will be so lucky!"
Hearing Mom say this makes me feel strange. Several times I wanted to ask Mom if I could marry her, but I didn't have the courage.
People often do extreme things at times like this, and I really hope for a miracle between my sister and me. So, I'm trying to find some evidence to prove that my sister and I aren't related by blood.
But this effort was clearly futile; the blood relation between my sister and me was an undeniable fact.

Once, I asked my mother, "A friend of mine is dating his cousin. They're both very unhappy and don't know what to do. Do you think it will work out?"
Without hesitation, my mother replied, "Of course not! It's against national law that close relatives can't marry. What kind of friend is he? You should try to persuade him. You're both young and have
n't met many people yet; you're prone to making mistakes! It'll be too late to regret it later!" Her words filled me with despair. I wanted to end this hopeless relationship with my sister before my parents found out, so as not to hurt them. But when I faced my sister, I couldn't say anything. I truly loved her, and she loved me too. But why couldn't we be together?

So, my relationship with my sister dragged on until our last winter break before graduating from university. We could both feel each other's pain. My sister insisted on telling the adults, but I didn't dare.
Eventually, the truth came out, and my parents finally realized something. To this day, I don't know exactly how much they knew, but they definitely knew. My parents talked to us. Although they didn't say it explicitly, we understood their meaning—they were strongly opposed, resolutely opposed. Even though I was mentally prepared, when the moment actually came, I felt my heart stop beating. My sister cried terribly and wouldn't speak to my parents, aunt, or uncle. It was the most painful New Year our family had ever experienced. I know we weren't the only ones saddened; our parents were too.

Seeing my elderly parents so worried about us, unable to eat or sleep, made me feel incredibly guilty. I couldn't let our happiness cause our family's suffering. After thinking about it for several days, I talked to my parents and aunt, and I made the final decision to separate from my sister. Actually, my parents and aunt never scolded us harshly; they just reasoned with us, and they were happy to see I had come to my senses.
I told my sister my decision. She didn't say anything, didn't cry, just stared intently at me. I know she must hate me, hate that I didn't stand by her side at the most crucial moment. I told her we could only be brother and sister from now on, and that we should forget the past. To make her give up completely, I burned our photos, the gifts she gave me, and the 12-page letter she wrote to me in front of her. She didn't cry the whole time, but I could feel her heart was broken. Perhaps she didn't know that my heart hadn't beaten since then.

After that, she ignored me. I know she hates me; perhaps time will heal her wounds. After graduating from university, she went back home to work. To avoid awkwardness when we met, I came to Guangzhou to work alone. Two years passed, and I didn't go home once during those two years. Even during holidays, when everyone else was reunited with their families, I spent them alone.
After coming to Guangzhou, I started looking for girlfriends, but in the end, I was just looking for a substitute for my sister. In those two years, I had seven girlfriends, but none of them lasted more than three months. Most of the time, it was because they had a bit of my sister in them.

This year during the Spring Festival… I called home, and my mom told me that my younger sister had found a boyfriend, a classmate from high school. Hearing this, I didn't know whether to be happy or sad.
A few days before I posted this, I met my sister online. This was the first time we'd chatted like this in two years since we separated. It felt so familiar yet so strange.
My sister asked how I was doing, and I said I was okay. It took her a long time to reply. I knew her complicated feelings, just like mine. At that moment, every word I typed was so difficult. I had a thousand words I wanted to say to her, but I couldn't utter a single one.
She said: "I'm with XX."
I said: "I know, my mom told me."
She said: "We might get married next year. Will you come back?"
I felt my heart bleeding. After a long time, I could only type a few words: "I don't know, maybe if I'm free!"
Then came the long wait; my sister didn't reply.
Much later, I saw my sister's QQ avatar finally move. I clicked on it, and then I saw a few words that brought tears to my eyes—
"The groom should have been yours."
There's a secret my sister may never know! Before burning the letter she gave me, I copied it down word for word and will keep it safe for the rest of my life.

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