Classic adult jokes! You'll laugh your head off!

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-24

I am a male from Qinhuangdao, Hebei Province. I am 18 years old, 182cm tall, handsome ,
and have no sexual experience, but I have a very high sex drive . I want to find a woman to be my girlfriend and have a relationship. Age is not limited, height is preferably over 165cm, and I don't want her to be too ugly. Older women are preferred. My number is 252331558.
<< 　　... The husband was furious and said: "If anyone mentions mouth ulcers again, I will kill them!" 　　3. I thought about it, hit it, made an appointment, agreed to meet, hugged, kissed, touched, undressed, licked, got wet, got hard, went in, climaxed, screamed, ejaculated, came, felt good, went soft, collapsed, washed, wiped, dried, slept, and thought about it again… 　　4. Erzi's mother, where are you going? 　　Going to court to file 　　a lawsuit. Plaintiff and defendant. Plaintiff 　　. Plaintiff. 　　Plaintiff, you're pretty awesome. Awesome, 　　huh? I got raped. 　　5. An old vampire and a young vampire met and complained because they were starving. 　　The young one said: "I haven't drunk fresh blood for days." 　　The old one said: "You're much better than me. These days, I can only go to the women's restroom and get a few tea bags to soak…" 　　6. A thief found a safe full of jelly and ate it all in a fit of rage. The next day, the newspaper carried the headline: "Sperm Bank Robbed Yesterday, Sperm All Stolen..." 　　7. A prostitute's four wishes: Rich men all come to karaoke bars, tips are countless, there's no AIDS in the world, and men ejaculate in two strokes 　　. 8. A young woman bought bananas, put them in her back pocket after boarding the bus, and kept reaching back to grab them. After a while, a young man patted her on the shoulder: "Miss, please let go, I'm getting off." 　　9. A bull and a cow were grazing by the river. The bull, having finished eating, said to the cow, "Darling, let's go home." The cow replied, "I'm not full, please go home first." A short while later, the bull ran back. The cow asked why, and the bull said, "Someone came to the village saying they wanted to eat bull penis." The cow was terrified: "Quickly hide, I'll go back and see!" A short while later, the cow also ran back. The bull asked why, and the cow replied, "Those people said that after eating bull penis, we also have to brag!" 　　10. We resolutely break the lifelong wife system, implement a "vixen shareholding system," introduce a competition system for prostitutes, promote a cooperation system for lovers, implement a beauty rotation system, execute a merit-based selection and elimination system, plus a legal system for keeping mistresses, effective immediately . 　　11. Military training: 　　Subject: Romantic talk 　　Content: Outdoor sex 　　Purpose: Procreation 　　Location: Riverside grassy area 　　Conditions: No underwear, no bra 　　Requirements: Bring your own straw mat, two people per group, quick movements 　　12. On his journey to the West to obtain Buddhist scriptures, Tang Sanzang encountered a demoness. The demoness said: Why are you going west? The monk said: To obtain scriptures. The demoness said: I have scriptures, why go west? The monk was overjoyed: Where are the scriptures? The demoness touched her private parts: Here. The monk stepped forward and examined closely: *, menstruation! 　　13. Don't laugh at me for being fat, I have strength in sex. Don't laugh at me for being thin, I have rhythm in sex. Don't laugh at me for being tall, I don't bend over in sex. Don't laugh at me for being short, no one is as arrogant as me, I can suckle while doing it! 　　14. Wu Song, a hero from Shandong, honed his skills on his penis; he killed a tiger on Jingyang Ridge and a wolf in the wheat field; one day, Wu Song fired a blank shot and hit a girl on the back; the girl touched it and tasted it, and exclaimed, "Damn it! Who sells soy milk without sugar?!" 　　15. A mosquito and a mantis came to a bathroom. Mosquito: Look, those two big welts on that woman's chest are from where I bit her last time! Mantis: That's nothing! I cut her cleft two years ago, and it's still not healed, it bleeds every month. 　　16. Parting Lin Xin's breasts, raising the giant cock, sliding into Song Zu's vagina, first posing Sun Yanzi, then Liang Yong riding. Several rounds of Su Huilun, shooting out Zhang Bai's juice. Essence flowed like clouds, and she even played the flute, you bastard Zheng Yijian! 　　17. Long, long ago, on a snowy night, an old man bravely urinated in the snow, only to have his penis frozen. In his memory, people called him "Old Man with the Leftover Egg." 　　18. On their wedding night, the candles shone brightly. 　　The younger sister shyly blew out the lamp. "Brother, brother, push slowly! 　　This is my first time! My 　　first time! Who are you kidding? It's so big inside, you 　　need to beat it with a drum!" 　　19. The Minister of Family Planning went to the countryside for a survey and asked an old farmer: "Do you know why close relatives can't marry?" The old farmer chuckled and replied: "Relatives, hehehehehehe...hehe, too familiar, hard to make a move!" 　　20. There's only one rose, give it to me. 　　Love is only between you and me, don't hide. 　　As long as you truly love me, kiss me. 　　Wait for me in bed tonight, completely naked 　　. 21. Life is like rape, either resist or enjoy it; work is like gang rape, if you can't do it, let someone else do it; society is like masturbation, everything has to be solved with your own hands. 　　22. A woman couldn't find a boyfriend because of her small breasts. One day, on a blind date, she told her boyfriend the truth. He asked, "Are they as big as steamed buns?" She replied, "Yes." They started dating. On their wedding night, the man rushed out of the bridal chamber and shouted to the sky: "Wangzai Little Steamed Buns!" 　　23. Good friends are like underwear; they'll always be there for you through thick and thin. Very good friends are like condoms; they'll always be there for your safety. Even better friends are like Viagra; they give you strength when you can't hold your head up. 　　24. A row of prostitutes were waiting for customers on the street. An octogenarian woman asked curiously, "What are you waiting for?" The prostitute replied irritably, "Waiting for lollipops!" The old woman joined the line to wait for lollipops, but was arrested. The police asked the old woman, "You don't even have any teeth, yet you can still do it?" The old woman laughed and said, "I can lick them!!!" 　　25. So many ways to make love, leaving countless men exhausted. Fragrant grass, flowing lustful fluids, wanting to play a few tricks with a strong man. A peerless beauty, who can also play the flute, making you bend over in the morning. All that is past; let us count the many romantic figures who spent the night in vain. 　　26. One day, Confucius traveled east and encountered a young woman. He desired to have sex with her. She refused, so he forced himself upon her in the woods. He removed her clothes and trousers, took out his manhood, and inserted it into her most exquisite place. Afterwards, the young woman said, "You beast!" Confucius said, "Extremely satisfying!" 　　27. Our place is relatively poor: clothes are basically made from spinning; food is basically made from the Party; getting rich is basically made from robbing; finding a wife is basically made from thinking; communication is basically made from shouting; transportation is basically made from walking; security is basically made from dogs; and sex is basically made from hands! 　　28. Robber: Quickly tell me the safe's combination! I'll kill you if you don't! Female employee: I won't tell you even if you kill me! I won't tell you even if you rape me! The robber looked her up and down and said: You wish! 　　29. A man was in a private room with a prostitute. Pointing to her mouth, he asked, "What's this?" She replied, "It's a speaker." The man then pointed to her genitals and asked, "What's this?" She said, "It's a button." Finally, the man pointed to her vulva and asked, "And what's this?" She said, "It's a power outlet."

30. Four ruthless bandits, desperate for revenge, encountered a woman selling eggs. They swarmed her, vented their anger, and then fled in a panic, disappearing without a trace! The woman got up, brushed the dust off her clothes, and lamented: "What a big deal! I thought they were stealing eggs..."
31. The village chief's son was going on a trip abroad. The village chief said: "Son, for the sake of the whole village, please don't come back with AIDS. If you do, your wife is finished. If your wife is finished, then I'm finished. If I'm finished, then your mother is finished. If your mother is finished, then the whole village is finished..."
32. Thinking about it, my labia itched. I grabbed a hard rod and thrust it right in the middle. After a while of intense pleasure, it became shorter and softer, the itching stopped, and I stopped thinking about it. "Sigh..." I really should quit smoking.
33. An old maid and an old virgin were registering their marriage. To show their purity, the old maid gave a couplet: "One room, two doors, no one has entered for twenty-nine years." The old virgin replied with: "One gun, two bullets, no resistance for thirty-eight years." The civil affairs personnel added the horizontal scroll: "Idiot, fool!"

34. An eagle was chasing a rabbit, but fell to its death because of something the rabbit said. Do you know what the rabbit said? It shouted: "You're not wearing a bra!" The eagle panicked and covered its chest, and then...
35. A nun went to the hospital for an ultrasound. A careless nurse gave her a pregnant woman's test results. After looking at them, the nun sighed and said: "These days, even carrots can't be trusted."
36. In the university cafeteria, a man wanted to cut in line. He went to a pretty girl and said: "Excuse me, can I cut in front of you?" The girl replied: "There's already someone cutting in front of me, so you can cut in front of me!"
37. People say: Women have two advantages, but one flaw! Men may lack virtues, but they have one strength: they are adept at seizing upon women's two strengths and frequently compensating for their weaknesses.
38. Two sea turtles made love on the beach and agreed to meet again the following year. The following year, the male turtle arrived at the beach early and found the female turtle already there. She scolded the male turtle, saying: "You didn't even turn me over after you were done! I've been sunbathing for a year!
" 39. "Do you know how to make your wife scream when you reach orgasm?" "Call her and wake her up and tell her where you are."
40. Don't underestimate me just because I'm broke. I've slept with Lin Yilian before. I'm not bragging, but after sleeping with Faye Wong, I slept with Zhao Wei. Don't think I'm dreaming; I've even slept with Gong Li. I can't even count them all. I think there's also Song Zuying!
41. Koizumi answering a reporter's question. Reporter: Excuse me, were there prostitutes in the Japanese army before? Koizumi: No, there were only comfort women. We slept with them, so they were called the Japanese army. Reporter: Are there still comfort women in the Japanese army now? Koizumi: No, they masturbate now, so they are called masturbation teams. Reporter: Then why do you call yourselves Japanese? Koizumi: Because we all masturbate, which is like masturbating to ourselves, so we call ourselves Japanese.
42. What kind of soldier is the most unlucky? —The artillery cook! Why? —They take the blame, are cuckolded, and aren't even allowed to fire the cannons!
43. A hunter hunted a bear but failed. To save his life, he submitted to the bear and was humiliated. The next day, to avenge himself, he took a better weapon and hunted again, but still failed and was humiliated again. After several times, when he went up the mountain to hunt again, the bear smiled bitterly and said: Are you a hunter or a prostitute?
44. When you are alone and lonely, a pencil may be your best toy. You can cut it, slice it, chop it with a knife, and at the same time you can vent your anger, shouting: I'm killing the pen, I'm killing the pen, I'm killing the pen!
45. A man was driving an Alto when a Mercedes overtook him. The Mercedes driver yelled: "Hey buddy, have you ever driven a Mercedes?" and sped off. The Alto driver was not convinced and overtook the Mercedes. Soon after, the Mercedes overtook him again, and the driver yelled: "Hey buddy, have you ever driven a Mercedes?" and sped off. The Alto driver had no choice but to give in. Not long after, there was a car accident ahead. The Alto driver was watching the commotion, and the Mercedes driver was lying on the ground, groaning and asking: "Hey buddy, have you ever driven a Mercedes? Where are the brakes?"
46. One day, Liu Hongtao met a foreign guest and went up to him, saying: "I am Hongtao Liu." The foreign guest said: "I'm fucking the Seven of Diamonds
!"
47. I just dialed your mobile phone. After the ringtone, the phone prompted a voice message: "The other party is currently streaking. Please call again later." When I dialed again, it said: "Sorry, the user you dialed has been removed from the service area. Please try again later."
48. A light rain was falling heavily. A young woman ran to a dilapidated temple and urinated on the Buddha statue, a truly heinous act. The abbot saw this and hurriedly pulled out a cannon to forcefully block her vagina. The Buddha said, "Acting on behalf of Heaven, whoever sees this will be punished!"
49. A husband and wife were arguing. The husband got angry and said, "Chairman Mao said that political power grows out of the barrel of a gun. I have guns and cannons, so I should be in charge!" The wife said, "I have tunnel warfare..."
50. One day, George W. Bush, JZM, and Ivankov were chatting on a passenger plane. They talked about how to deal with Bin Laden. Bush said, "Let's use three missiles to kill him." Ivankov said, "Let's use three beautiful women to assassinate him." Jiang Zemin said, "Let's use three representatives to annoy him to death!"
51. Here's a psychological test for you. You are racing against a tiger. a. You will run faster than it b. You will run as fast as it c. You will run slower than it. Think it over and see the answer: a. You are more beastly than a beast b. You are the same as a beast c. You are even less than a beast
52. It turns out that British intelligence agents don't have names; they only have code names. The most formidable of them all is 007. Once, 007 went on a mission to China, during which he had several encounters with a beautiful Chinese female intelligence agent. Finally, the female agent couldn't resist 007's charm, and the two engaged in a passionate affair. After their lovemaking, the female agent said to 007 with satisfaction, "Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful!" "007 didn't understand the meaning and thought it was a nickname. After that, whenever a beautiful woman asked his name, he would reply: 'Bond! James Bond!'
53. Here's a gift for you, the heaviest amount of excrement ever made. You'll definitely be shocked and have to swallow it all. If you feel it's not enough, please help yourself!
54. The boys' and girls' toilets in the school are next to each other. A girl forgot to bring toilet paper and was at a loss when she suddenly heard a toilet paper coming from the next stall. The girl turned pale and asked, 'Who is it?' A deep and powerful male voice replied, 'Lei Feng!'
55. A monkey saw a man taking a bath and laughed so hard that it fell off a tree. When asked why, it laughed and said: 'Humans are really strange animals. Look at their tails, so short, and they're in front of them... Haha... '
56. Riddle: Eunuchs used to exist, but they don't after entering the palace; monks have them but don't use them; foreigners' tails are longer than Chinese people's. What is it on a person's body? You're thinking dirty thoughts—it's a name!
57." The current state of virgins: Some are accidentally harmed, some are destroyed by criminals, some are lured by romance scammers, some go bankrupt through legal procedures, and some remain virgins after seeing through the illusions of the world.
58. I saw a penny on the roadside, and just as I was about to bend down to pick it up, it turned out to be a glob of spit. Holy crap, who spat such a round coin?!
59. Five intimate relationships: classmates, rural comrades, fighting together, sharing loot, and frequenting brothels together.
60. A young female writer wrote an article and asked a professor for advice. Professor: The first half of this article has two prominent points and is quite substantial; the middle is average; the second half is rather rough and needs further work!
61. You are about to go far away, and sincere friends are seeing you off. The cold cannot stop their enthusiasm, the fierce wind cannot stop their friendship. Sincere friends hold your hand and say, "Reform yourself well and strive for a reduced sentence."
62. I used to buy two dogs.
I gave you the one named Face and
kept the one named Butt.
But after a few days, Face ran away.
Three years later, whenever I see Butt, I think:
if Face hadn't run away,
your face would probably be as big as Butt by now!
63. A man in a black suit went to a pharmacy to buy black condoms! The shopkeeper said: "We don't have black ones." The man replied: "My sworn brother just passed away, and I need to go comfort his wife. It's polite to use black."
64. An old nun said: "Children, wash your hands with holy water wherever you've touched a man ." The first one washed his hands, the second one just came in, and the third one rushed in: "I don't want to use her butt-washing water to rinse my mouth!"
65. A girl was walking back to her dormitory at night when she encountered a female ghost. The ghost said: "Junior, look, I have no hands." The girl didn't say anything. The ghost said: "Junior, I have no feet, how pitiful!" The girl said: "Senior, I'm even more pitiful, I have no breasts!"
66. Old Wang's bull and someone else's cow were in heat in the cornfield and destroyed the crops. The judge ordered them to each pay half. Old Wang complained: "The cow has four legs, but my bull only has two."
67. The father pointed at his three-year-old son and scolded: "Kid, if I had known you would be so naughty, I should have held back my pleasure for three seconds and ejaculated on the wall." 68. A customer asked the pharmacy owner: "Is Viagra really that effective? "
The owner replied: "Yesterday, my wife mistook Viagra for MSG when she was cooking noodles, and all the noodles stood up in the pot.
" 69. Robber: "Robbery! Get the hell down!" When he saw a woman's kneeling posture, he yelled: "You better be civilized! I only rob money, not women!"
70. A man was urinating when he saw a sign on the wall that read: "Look up. " Curious, he looked up and saw another sign that read: "Look up again." So he looked up again and saw a sign near the ceiling that read: "You peed on your shoes!"
71. A young man came to buy condoms. The shopkeeper was surprised. The young man said, "I want to give these as a gift to my girlfriend." The shopkeeper asked, "Do you want them wrapped up?" The young man replied, "No need, they're for wrapping gifts."
72. An old farmer bought Viagra to test its effects and fed it to a male duck. The next day, the duck disappeared. The farmer searched for it and found all the female ducks in the village had been raped to death. Looking up, he saw the male duck standing on a treetop. He asked it why, and the duck replied, "I wanted to mate with an eagle!
" 73. In the sperm donation line, there was a woman. The nurse was puzzled: "Everyone here is queuing to donate sperm, what are you doing here?" The woman pointed to her tightly closed mouth and said, "Ugh...ugh." 74.
Ah-Dai, newly married and ignorant about matters between men and women, went to ask his father. His father told him, "Ah-Dai, go and use the hardest part of your body to forcefully bump your wife's urination spot." "The next morning, his father found Ah-Dai lying next to the toilet, his head bleeding profusely.
75. In 1949, I was captured by the Japanese. They tortured me severely, but I didn't confess. The next day, they used a honey trap, and I confessed. On the third day, I wanted to confess again... Liberation!!
76. Notice: State Council Document No. 206, to celebrate Beijing's successful bid for the Olympics, the Chinese Olympic Bid Committee has decided that from now on, the sounds of making love at night will be changed from the original 'Hmm! Hmm! Hmm!' to 'Oh! Oh! Oh!'. We hope the people of the whole country will support this!
77. After a vampire died, he asked God: Can I be reborn? God said: Yes, what are your requirements? He said: To be as full and white as an angel, with two wings and the ability to suck blood. God
: You can become a sanitary napkin!
78. A girl went to a ranch to learn how to milk cows, but everyone else had already milked a bucket, while she had only milked a little. Just as she was getting anxious, the old cow suddenly said: Miss, I am male!
79." A nurse saw a patient drinking in the ward, so she went over and whispered, "Be careful with your liver!" The patient immediately came over and wanted to hug her, saying, "My little darling!" 80.
A customer was caught soliciting prostitutes, and the police interrogated him. Police: How many prostitutes have you patronized in total? Customer: Many. Police: How many exactly?! Customer: Not a single one.
81. One day, a mother cried out in bed: I want a man! I want a man! The son was so scared that he ran back to his room. The next morning, the son found his mother lying in bed with a man. So he immediately ran back to his room, lay on the bed, and cried out: I want a Transformer! I want a Transformer!
82. A prostitute forgot to bring a condom when serving a customer, so she used a sausage skin instead. However, after finishing, she left it inside. When she served another customer, the sausage skin was pulled out by the customer, who asked her what it was. She replied that it was her hymen. The customer was furious: Damn it, does your hymen have an expiration date?!
83. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl named Jonina. She fell in love with a boy named Shapiro. One day, they went to see shooting stars together. When a shooting star streaked across the sky, they named it "Jonina Shapiro Star".
84. Using Ericsson, sex was really exciting; switching to Nokia, I could only insert it once or twice each time; then using Feilipu, it was so painful; back to Samsung, I ejaculated as soon as I inserted it...
85. That day, you and I went hunting and encountered a bear. The bear sniffed me first, then you, and finally chose to eat me. I felt it was unfair, so I asked the bear, and the bear said it was Hui. 86.
Green lotus leaves float on the water;
a male toad embraces a female toad's waist; from afar,
it looks like they're wrestling;
up close, they're actually having sex;
a small boat glides on the water;
the brother pulls down the sister's pants;
brother, brother, what are you doing?;
what are you doing, toad? What are we doing?!
87. An elephant encountered a snake blocking its path and
angrily shouted, "Look at your cunt, get out of the way!"
The snake said, "You look good, with a chicken on your face. "
The elephant said, "You're good-looking, with a face on your chicken."
88. A couple was arguing. The man said, "I can't argue with you! You have one mouth on top and one on the bottom!" The woman said, "I can't argue with you either! You have one mouth on top and one microphone with two speakers on the bottom!!!"
89. A nun kept an eagle, which stole the monk's gourd, fork, and bucket. The monk was furious and, in a fit of anger, plucked the eagle's feathers. The nun was displeased: "If you want a gourd, I'll give you a gourd; if you want a fork, I'll give you a fork; if you want a bucket, I'll give you a bucket. Why did you pluck my eagle's feathers!"
90. An ant married a centipede. The next day, the ant angrily said: "Damn it, I broke one leg, but it wasn't right. I broke another, but it still wasn't right. I broke another leg, but it still wasn't right . I kept breaking legs all night..."
91. Mulan led her troops into battle, but due to excessive blood loss from her period, she fainted on the battlefield. When she woke up, the army doctor said: "General, your little penis couldn't be saved, but I've stitched up your wound!"
92. A beautiful woman went into a sex shop to buy a vibrator. After looking around for a while, she finally said to the owner: "I want that red one over there." The owner was silent for a moment and then said: "That's a fire extinguisher."
93. The manager asked: "What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?" The female employee replied: "They're both places to put meat, but the difference is that in a refrigerator, the meat goes in soft and comes out hard, while in a woman, the meat goes in hard and comes out soft
." 94. In a car, a man bumped into a woman. The woman angrily said: "You can't even stand properly on three legs!" The man waved his hand and said: "Forget it, forget it, I won't argue with you. You're always talking anyway."
95. A man hadn't had sex in a long time, and his wife was very sad. One day, the man asked his wife to undress and stand upside down in front of a mirror. The wife was overjoyed and did as she was told. The man placed his chin on his wife's genitals and looked in the mirror, saying: "Do I look good with a beard?"
96. Three women were discussing what they would most like to be in their next life. One said: "I want to be a flower, so everyone can smell me." Another woman said: "I want to be a popsicle, so everyone can lick me." The third woman said: "I want to be an ambulance, so everyone can get on me from behind, and I can scream."
97. o)(o) perfect breasts
(oyo) beautiful breasts
(o)(o) breasts of different sizes
(o)(o) breasts with a big head
(o人o) Sagging breasts
98. Anhui has been known for its fine wines since ancient times: When a young girl lifts her leg, it's Kouzi wine; when a young boy lifts his leg, it's Jinzhongzi wine; when an old woman lifts her leg, it's Gujinggong wine; when an old man lifts his leg, it's Shengquan dry beer! When you lift your leg, it's Jiannan Chunjiu!
99. The reasons my little brother gave for resigning: "1. Heavy physical labor 2. Working in the deepest part 3. Must stick your head in 4. No holidays 5. Damp and dark working environment 6. Wearing a plastic mask makes it difficult to breathe 7. Always forced to work until vomiting
100. Up and down is not class oppression.
One in front and one behind creates a new generation .
Horizontal scroll: Phallic movement
101. The cow and the bull had a falling out and lived with the elephant after breaking up. After several orgasms, she felt the bull was better and returned to his side. After riding the clouds, the cow asked: What changes have I undergone in the past few days? The bull said: "You've become much more awesome!" 102.
Good news! The National Prostitution Commission has lowered the fees for sex workers, with an estimated reduction of 35%. Furthermore, a one-way fee system will be implemented: for penetration, only an insertion fee will be charged, withdrawal is free; only ejaculation will incur a vaginal usage fee, and no ejaculation will incur a sitting fee.
103. Newlywed and unfamiliar with sex. Penis inserted but not moving. Wife says: "It hurts." Quickly pulled out. Wife says again: "It's empty." Hastily inserted again. Repeatedly, wife is very happy. The newlywed suddenly realizes: "Unicom is good, mobile is even better!" I am

a 18-year-old male from Qinhuangdao, Hebei, 182cm tall, handsome,
with no sexual experience but a very high sex drive. I want to find a woman to be my girlfriend and have a relationship.
Age is not limited, height preferably over 165cm, not too ugly, older women preferred. QQ: 252331558

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Classic adult jokes! You'll laugh your head off!

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