Chinese-style marriage

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I am an ordinary cadre in the Qimen County government of Huangshan. I have been married for over ten years. Like many men, I love my wife very much. However, I also can't resist the allure of the outside world and often have affairs.

-- Let me clarify, I never visit prostitutes. It's not that I look down on prostitutes, but I just feel they are too dirty.

Due to my work, I often come into contact with some very outstanding women.

All men have the same flaw: even if you let them marry a beauty like a mink, they will eventually get tired of her.

Therefore, men neglect their wives and set their sights on women other than their wives.

This world creates many lonely women.

Actually, it's an interesting vicious cycle: men neglect their wives and focus their attention on other men's wives.

As a result, their own wives also become targets for other men's advances.

To some extent, to put it nicely, this is called karma; to put it bluntly, it's called retribution.

At this point, I need to clarify that what I am describing is not an erotic story.

I'm simply trying to honestly share some of my experiences and journey as a man married for nearly twelve years, hoping to offer some insights, reflections, or lessons to others like me who have been in the "walled city" of marriage for so long.

Family is always a man's final haven, and his wife is always his closest and most cherished woman.

Arguments aren't scary, estrangement isn't scary, and infidelity isn't scary either, as long as you're brave enough to face them head-on.

Experiencing setbacks is okay; experience is actually a form of wealth.

Some setbacks or hardships might even benefit you for life.

As men, we have an undeniable responsibility to cherish the woman who accompanies us through life.

(II)

Not long after graduating from university, I met my wife.

She worked at a bank, just an ordinary teller at the time, and graduated from a vocational school affiliated with a bank.

She already had a boyfriend she'd been dating for a year.

He was her senior from the previous year; because he was ambitious, after working for a few years, he took the entrance exam for a vocational college and returned to school, which allowed me to steal him away.

My wife is a year younger than me, with a slender and graceful figure, sexy and charming, with bright, innocent eyes.

During that time, I felt like I was living in a honey pot, even waking up smiling from my dreams.

During our courtship, I tried many times to seduce her, but she always firmly refused.

Young people in their early twenties today might not understand this, but more than ten years ago, sex was a rather serious topic.

Therefore, I didn't truly possess her until our wedding night.

Gazing at the radiant, peach-blossom-like virgin blood on the white sheets,

my wife was more beautiful than a pure angel in my eyes.

Actually, I've never had a deep obsession with virginity.

Moreover, premarital sex wasn't very common in those days, so everything seemed perfectly natural to me.

Like all newlyweds, we didn't miss any opportunity to be intimate. We'd

make love two or three times a night, and sometimes even during the day at home, a single glance between us could ignite a spark, and we'd immediately undress and roll around naked together.

During that time, I was severely exhausted, yet still full of energy. The most outrageous time was when, after our passion, I fell asleep on top of her without getting off immediately. She didn't want to move me, so I slept on top of her for over five hours.

-- Now, recalling this incident, I feel as if I owe my wife a lifetime of unrequited love.

A year later, we had a child, a lovely daughter. After having a child, most of my energy shifted to her.

The passion between us gradually faded.

During this period, I had an affair with my college classmate.

This story isn't unusual; the probability of infidelity between classmates is the highest.

I went to her city on a business trip, and we drank a lot together. Then she came to my hotel with me. We chatted for a while, but there wasn't much substance to it; it was all nonsense about reminiscing about college life.

Suddenly, there was an awkward silence, and we just stared at each other.

I don't know who made the first move, but we suddenly hugged each other, kissed passionately, caressed each other, and finally rolled onto the bed.

The moment I entered her body, my wife's lovely face flashed through my mind.

This thought instantly killed my interest, and I went limp after only a few thrusts.

My mind went completely blank.

My classmate, unaware of the reason, kindly comforted me, saying I might not have rested well from being away from home.

I numbly held her as we lay down on the bed, feeling utterly beastly, even imagining myself kneeling before my wife begging for forgiveness.

Later, my female classmate knelt between my legs, gently caressing me with her mouth. My wife has never liked giving me oral sex, and the few times she has, it has been quite reluctant.

Therefore, my classmate's stimulation unleashed my primal instincts, and I rolled over and pinned her beneath me, this time having a thoroughly enjoyable time.

Seeing my classmate's face contorted with excitement beneath me, I experienced a completely new kind of pleasure.

After this incident, I felt ashamed for a while. Out of a desire to atone, I often took the initiative to do housework and was extra considerate to my wife for a period of time.

However, old habits die hard, and before long, I started having inappropriate thoughts again.

In the following years, I had numerous affairs with other women, and my neglect of my wife worsened.

Men who have been married for a long time know that a wife's intuition about her husband is often very accurate.

It's just that men generally overestimate their intelligence, always thinking their lies are flawless.

In reality, a wife doesn't need evidence to judge her husband's actions, because we are born with the most lethal weapon: intuition.

A few years later, my career progressed smoothly, and I was promoted to head of an important department.

Moreover, I had a steady mistress, a charming and alluring woman.

I reveled in this double life,

neglecting my wife even more.

By this time, we had sent our child to my parents' house, both to alleviate their loneliness and to allow us to relive the romance of our time together.

However, although the child was gone, the passion between us seemed to have vanished forever.

And frankly, my main energy was focused on my mistress.

My wife was essentially dispensable in my eyes, and we made love less and less often.

My wife is a reserved woman. When she has the desire to consummate our relationship, she only hints at it with body language. However, I increasingly pretend not to notice her hints.

Subconsciously, I think that my wife belongs to me anyway, so I don't need to care too much. It's my lover who needs to be coaxed.

Until that incident happened...

(III)

About eight years ago, on a Sunday, I got up early as usual.

My wife was still sleeping in bed.

After I finished washing up, I went back to the room and glanced at my wife. She was still asleep. I said, "I'll go buy breakfast." Then I walked across the living room to the door, put on my shoes, and opened the door. Suddenly, I needed to use the bathroom, so I closed the door behind me. Our bathroom is next to the bedroom door, so I turned around and went inside.

Sitting on the toilet, I picked up a magazine and started reading. One article caught my eye, and I calmly continued reading.

Just then, I heard my wife slipping on her slippers in the living room. I was already in the bathroom, so I mischievously stayed seated.

To my surprise, the phone rang in the living room, on speakerphone.

Our phone is in the corner of the living room, not far from the bathroom, so I heard it very clearly.

The call connected, and a man answered. What my wife said next struck me like a thunderbolt: "Honey, are you up?" The man replied, "I've been up for ages, honey. Why are you calling from the home phone? Isn't your husband home?" My wife said, "He went out to buy breakfast." The man asked, "What time will you be here?" My wife said, "I don't know, I'm waiting for him to go out and play mahjong." (On weekends, I rarely spend time with my wife at home; I'm usually out with friends.)

The man said, "No rush, I'll wait for you. What do you want to eat? I'll go buy it." My wife said in an unusually gentle voice, "No need, honey, I'll buy it and bring it over. It's on my way. That's all for now. I have to go now; my husband should be back soon." The call ended.

At that moment, I was stunned in the bathroom, my vision blurred, and I was trembling with rage. My instincts told me to rush out immediately, but reason told me to stay calm.

A strange voice kept asking in my ear: How could this happen? How could this happen… Later, every time I thought back to that scene, I felt extremely frightened: if my wife had gone into the bathroom after hanging up the phone, the situation would have been uncontrollable.

Moreover, my wife suspected me of being a shameless eavesdropper and spy.

For her, being exposed would likely cause a psychological breakdown.

Fortunately, after hanging up the phone that day, she went back to bed.

I, however, hid in the bathroom, unsure whether to go in or out.

My reason kept reminding me to control myself, to absolutely control myself.

I desperately needed to find a place to sort out my thoughts, because reality had to be faced.

So I tried to leave the bathroom quietly, deliberately opening and closing the bedroom door loudly, as if I had just returned from outside.

Then, in a very calm voice, I called out into the room, "Honey, breakfast is sold out. I couldn't buy any. Get up and cook some porridge yourself later. I have something to do and I'll be back in a bit." My wife, pretending to have just woken up, said, "So annoying! It's the weekend, can't I even sleep in?" I didn't say anything, turned around, and walked out of the house.

The neighborhood was very quiet and solemn on the weekend. A few elderly people were practicing Tai Chi in the distance.

The weather was clear, but I felt like the sky was black.

(IV)

Walking alone in the neighborhood, I felt completely empty, as if I were walking on cotton.

Occasionally, I would run into acquaintances who greeted me, and I would just nod blankly.

I sat down alone on a stone bench in a corner of the neighborhood. The stone bench was icy cold on this early summer morning, but I couldn't feel it anymore.

At this moment, only one question kept popping into my head: What should I do? Perhaps it was related to the coldness of the stone bench, because soon I felt my whole body trembling.

But my mind slowly calmed down, and I began to think about the following questions: What should I do?

1. Expose it? Exposing it is easy. Even if my wife denies it, I can find out who the man is by checking the phone records at the telecommunications bureau.

But what are the consequences after exposing it? The only result is that we will tear each other apart and shatter the last bit of warmth.

The lovers who were once so deeply in love will become strangers, or even enemies.

2. Pretend I know nothing and slowly think of a way? But the thought of my beloved wife being naked and entangled with another man makes my head spin.

Thinking of this, I even have the urge to kill.

After the cigarette butts I'd smoked around the stone bench, I began to fully sober up.

I started recalling the women I'd been involved with over the years. Most of them had lovely children, warm homes, and husbands who deeply loved them.

When I was with them in bed, did I ever think about their husbands' feelings? The ancients said, "Do not do to others what you would not have them do to you."

I asked myself, each of those women was a good woman; they were all qualified mothers and virtuous wives.

On another level, while I didn't have any of their thoughts when I was with them, my beloved was still my own wife. Similarly, when they were with me, they still loved their own husbands. Even if the passion between them had faded, the blood ties between them and their husbands were irreplaceable.

So, for me, is there anyone in this world who can replace my wife? The answer is no.

Although my wife had definitely cheated on me—that's beyond doubt—compared to my absurdity, what did her actions amount to?

So, the most important thing I should do right now, and the only thing I can do, is to make amends, not to cause further damage.

Otherwise, the harm will be permanent.

Thinking about the date my wife mentioned on the phone earlier, I felt a wave of dizziness.

So I quickly made two decisions: first, pretend I knew nothing; second, I had to stop this date; I couldn't let her drift further away.

With that in mind, I ran to the flower shop across the street and bought my wife a bouquet of pink roses.

This was only the second time I'd bought flowers for my wife; the first time was before we got married, when I was courting her. Years had passed in the blink of an eye, and it all felt like a lifetime ago. When

I got home with the flowers, my wife had already finished washing up and was cooking in the kitchen. Looking at the flowers in my hand, she was surprised and asked, "Didn't you send them out? Isn't your lover home?" I don't even remember when we started talking to each other in this sarcastic tone.

A wave of sadness washed over me. I went to my wife, hugged her tightly, and buried my face in her chest. She noticed my unusual behavior and asked, "What's wrong?" Tears streamed down my face. I tried to hide it, saying, "Nothing, I just saw an elderly couple walking together, supporting each other, and it suddenly made me think about how difficult life really is..." It was the first time my wife had seen me cry like this. She seemed a little lost, patted my shoulder, and said, "Stop thinking like that, honey. Go watch some TV, breakfast will be ready soon." At breakfast, I had no appetite and just stared blankly at my wife.

She was again bewildered by my reaction and asked, "What's wrong with you? You went out for a walk this morning and came back looking like a delicate flower." I didn't answer, just reached out and gently stroked her face.

After breakfast, I sat casually on the sofa watching TV, observing what my wife would do next.

A little while later, my wife asked me, "Aren't you going out today?"

I said, "Nowhere, I'm staying home with my wife."

My heart pounded, and I asked, "Is something wrong?"

My wife hesitated for a moment and said, "Something came up at work... but it's not urgent, we can take care of it on Monday." I said, "Then stay home, or I can go shopping with you..." Around noon, I made an excuse to buy cigarettes and went out.

I thought, perhaps my wife needs an opportunity and time to make a phone call...

(V)

That weekend, my wife didn't go to her date. In the afternoon, I took her to KFC. I'd always hated junk food, but to make her happy, I pretended to like it and went with her.

Afterwards, I couldn't resist secretly checking her phone bill. I didn't find anything suspicious, but that didn't mean anything, since cell phones are rare, and even a basic pager costs over two thousand yuan.

I couldn't check my wife's pager.

All I could do was go home on time every day, spend as much time as possible with her, and give her more care and attention. While doing these things, I endured indescribable torment.

Scenes of her having sex with another man kept flashing through my mind; I often dreamed about them, each scene as vivid as if it were happening right before my eyes.

I had made excuses to go to her office many times (by then, she had been promoted to a minor department head), but there were five people in her office, and I couldn't confirm if that man was one of them. Actually, who he was wasn't important; it was just that the curiosity, anger, and humiliation kept welling up inside me, making it impossible for me to extricate

myself. All I could do was fulfill my responsibilities, or rather, make up for what I hadn't done well before. For my wife, this was a form of compensation, but for me, it was a deserved punishment.

The initiative had been handed over to my wife.

During that time, I basically cut off contact with my lover. When facing him, I felt no interest whatsoever, and there was even a sense of resentment, as if she was the cause of it all.

During that period, whenever I had sex with my wife, I often felt an inexplicable urge, as if I were competing with someone from the depths of my being.

At that time, I hadn't read any rational articles about dating or group sex, and even if I had, I couldn't accept those seemingly unconventional methods.

I only occasionally searched online for some psychological counseling articles about my wife's infidelity. Later, I found that reading many of these so-called expert articles only made me more depressed; it was better not to read them at

all. Some say time is the best healer, and that's very true.

After my persistent efforts, my wife finally started communicating with me more often, and we rediscovered the feeling we had back then.

We both enjoy drinking beer.

Once, we finished ten bottles of beer at home, but still couldn't resist going out for barbecue late at night. We drank and chatted, talking about everything under the sun, including our children and our future plans.

However, I always adhered to one principle: I never mentioned her infidelity.

Several times, she clearly intended to confess, but I pretended not to care and changed the subject.

Looking back now, I realize it was because I was cowardly; I couldn't resolve this inner conflict myself.

So I chose to avoid the topic, trying to forget it and leave the problem to time.

Seeking common ground while respecting differences is definitely a good approach.

After weathering this storm, my relationship with my wife underwent a qualitative change: beyond that of husband and wife, we were often closer than confidants.

Harmony increased, disagreements decreased, and our hearts drew closer.

Many times, I even felt a deep, heartfelt love for her, like she were my own daughter.

After some time, when I felt the time was right, I confessed to her about my first affair with a female classmate,

and other experiences (God forgive my reservations; I had gone too far in many things and feared she wouldn't be able to accept it. Also, I felt that if I revealed all these wounds without reservation, given that I had already realized my mistakes, she might not be able to handle the heavy psychological impact. In a way, this might be a kind of benevolent deception, because it was based on the premise that I truly realized my errors). Actually, she already knew many of my things before I confessed, but she didn't expose me for the sake of our family and children.

She also voluntarily told me about her only extramarital affair. She spoke calmly, and I listened calmly as well: it turned out the man was a major client of their bank, a very considerate man with a happy family.

During the time I neglected my wife, he approached her.

According to my wife, during her relationship with that man, she was constantly tormented by emotions and conscience. She initially accepted him largely out of revenge against me, and only secondarily out of emotional and physical needs.

But after the affair, she discovered things were far more complex.

The reason for the affair was her husband's betrayal, and afterwards, she felt even more guilty towards herself—a painful self-inflicted wound.

Since that unfortunate Sunday, my wife was overjoyed to accept my change, and things underwent a qualitative change: since that Sunday, my wife sensed I might know something, but I never mentioned these sensitive matters, which made her very grateful.

Moreover, I continuously showed my care and consideration for my wife through my actions, and she voluntarily ended her ambiguous relationship with that man, transforming from a lover to a normal, ordinary friend.

Later, I became friends with that man, but that's another story.

Looking back now, through the process of saving my marriage and love, I also saved her and me.

(VI)

With the passage of time, our lives seemed to be back on track. For the next two or three years, I didn't touch any woman other than my wife. The lessons from the past were too profound.

However, there was a very troublesome problem: the scene from back then didn't fade with time; instead, it became clearer and clearer.

This mental block has been bothering me.

Many couples like to say some very inappropriate things when they are excited during sex. This is a very normal thing to do, as it can increase excitement and pleasure.

Later, I often asked my wife this when she was close to orgasm: "Was it comfortable when you did it with your lover?" At first, my wife, in a daze, remained cautious and said, "No, he's not as good as you." While I was moving vigorously, I gritted my teeth and said, "Tomorrow I'll find a hundred men to tie you up and play with you!" My wife was completely out of it and kept cheering. In the end, we both reached orgasm at the same time.

Later, I frequently changed my tactics. For example, when my wife was excited, I would mention her favorite male celebrity:

"Honey, you're having sex with Chow Yun-fat right now."

She would nod excitedly, and then I would ask, "Want to do it with other men?" She would obediently answer, "Yes, but my husband is still the best..." So, sometimes I would pretend to be her boss, sometimes her classmate, and sometimes even a stranger.

Every time I did this, the quality of our sex was surprisingly good.

But when the passion faded, if I asked her, "What did you just say?" she would definitely deny it outright: "I didn't say anything, you've really changed." Sometimes I would think privately that I might have really changed.

But if this change could bring harmonious marital happiness, then it couldn't be considered a change.

Although I knew this result was good, at the time I couldn't explain why or what made it good.

And, deep down, I still had an unresolved knot in my heart—I still felt that I had changed a bit.

To clarify: I had told my wife all these doubts without reservation, without hiding anything.

My wife, however, was dismissive, always saying, "I think you're just bored and full of wild ideas. You're torturing yourself." It wasn't until a few years ago, when I started reading articles about multiple partners or partner swapping, and reflecting on my own experiences, that I began to rationally and honestly analyze myself.

Ultimately, it was the respected Li Yinhe who helped me resolve my inner conflict.

After reading extensively on her sociology and ethics, my inner turmoil was completely resolved.

At the very least, I realized: I am a normal person.

I don't know if this is human nature, or perhaps I simply possess this nature and potential.

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Chinese-style marriage

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