【My Story with My Mother】(03) 【Author: Liu Feng】

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Author: Liu Feng Word 　　Count
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********** 　　... But when I opened WeChat, my anger subsided 　　a bit—the message in the bottle, which hadn't been active for months, had a notification?! 　　I immediately clicked on it, and saw that the other person had replied, "We're in the same boat," followed by a 　　crying emoji. Later, seemingly realizing I hadn't replied for too long, they asked again, "Are you there?" 　　I didn't reply immediately, but instead opened their profile. WeChat is 　　quite good at protecting privacy; you can't see someone's Moments or 　　even their WeChat ID after meeting them through a message in a bottle. However, I was still able to find some useful information. The other person's profile showed 　　they were female and also from City A—it seemed we were kindred spirits from the same city. Their profile picture was also very evocative, depicting a white cat looking out a window. I think this picture probably contained 　　elements 　　of longing and waiting . 　　I clicked back into the chat window, thought for a moment, and sent a message: "Hello, may I ask your name?" 　　I waited for almost five minutes, but there was no reply. I started to feel a little disappointed; I had a feeling 　　the conversation might be over, and maybe the other person had already gone to sleep since I hadn't replied for so long—it was 　　already past ten o'clock. 　　Just as I was about to put my phone down, the other person replied with a message: "My surname is Mu, you can call me 　　Aunt Mu." 　　Mu? That surname doesn't seem very common; at least I've never heard of anyone with that surname before. Maybe 　　this Aunt Mu is just an alias. There are still many risks online these days, and most people 　　are cautious when dealing with strangers. 　　I didn't intend to reveal my true identity, so I replied with a fake message: "Hello Aunt Mu. My surname is 　　Wen, you can just call me Xiao Wen." Perhaps the virtual world is what makes the online world more exciting than the real world. 　　Online, you can speak freely without the other person knowing, allowing many people to release their suppressed emotions 　　. 　　A few more minutes passed without a reply, and the situation became awkward again. I decided to break the ice first and 　　sent a message: "Can you tell me about your situation?" 　　Aunt Mu replied quickly: "I have a similar experience to yours. My husband passed away a few years ago 　　, and now it's just me and my son at home. My son is usually quiet and doesn't talk to me much. I 　　feel like there's a distance between us, and I'm afraid of that feeling of loneliness..." 　　After reading this message, I felt a sense of shared suffering. We were both from single-parent families, experiencing the same awkwardness and 　　the same silence. The only difference was that mine was because my mother ignored me, while Aunt Mu felt that her son was distant from her 　　. 　　"Aunt Mu, I'm sorry, I didn't know Uncle had already..." 　　"Hehe, it's alright. I don't feel good keeping it all bottled up inside. It's always better to have someone to confide in 　　." 　　"Auntie, actually, my situation is very similar to yours. My father abandoned us a few years ago 　　, so I understand your despair and loneliness. You don't need to be too sad. I believe 　　your son must love you very much. You need to be more open-minded." 　　"Hey, Xiaowen, you're comforting me now? Don't forget you're like that yourself! Perhaps 　　his father's death was too much of a blow to him, so he suffered a lot from a young age. I did 　　n't care much, so we gradually drifted apart." 　　I was silent for a while after reading this. Yes, thinking about myself and my 　　mother, it was indeed difficult after my father ran away. I stopped talking after that, and my mother closed 　　her heart, becoming like an iceberg... Thinking about this, my heart ached again. 　　"Do you love your son?" Not wanting to dwell on those unpleasant memories for too long, I 　　changed the subject with a question. 　　I thought Aunt Mu would answer quickly, but this time it took an 　　unusually long time. Did Aunt Mu not love her son at all? That didn't make sense; what mother doesn't love her son? Besides, 　　from our previous conversation, I could sense Aunt Mu's care and love for her son. 　　"What kind of love are you talking about?" Aunt Mu finally replied after a few minutes. 　　"Is there some other kind of love besides maternal love?" I countered. 　　Another silence followed, then a long reply: "Xiaowen, dare you say that during 　　these days alone with your mother, you haven't developed feelings beyond familial affection? Auntie didn't want to say this, but since 　　someone's here to listen, I'll be frank. I think I've fallen in love with my son. 　　Countless times in these past few years I've felt despair, and although my son doesn't communicate with me, he always finds 　　his own way to comfort me, giving me the motivation to keep going time and time again. I feel 　　I can't live without him emotionally. And I'm almost forty; women of this age 　　often have a strong desire for sex, but my husband isn't around. For the past few years, I've relied on sex toys and my hands 　　to satisfy myself countless nights. But as my son grows older, I'm gradually drawn to his calm demeanor and tall physique."

"If it weren't for the constraints of ethics and morality, I probably really would have had a relationship with him..."
After reading this passage, I fell silent. Yes, didn't I also have a vague,
budding affection for my mother? I also regarded my mother as the anchor of my spiritual world, and countless long nights I couldn't
avoid fantasizing about her, even though I resisted this feeling, feeling it was a defilement of my mother, but physical
impulses always overcame reason. It's just that I hid it well in front of my mother and didn't show it
.
I thought for a while and replied: "Yes, Auntie. I do have feelings for my mother.
Boys my age are starting to watch porn, and I won't hide it from you. I watch it too, and I even fantasize about being with
my mother like in the movies..." I didn't dare to type anymore. As I said before, this
kind of inappropriate fantasy would bring me a sense of guilt, making me feel sorry for my mother.
"Having sex, right?" Compared to my shyness, Aunt Mu was much more frank. Perhaps it's because WeChat is a
virtual platform; people don't have to worry about their identities being exposed, so they're more open.
"Yes..." I replied, adding a few "awkward" emojis.
"What do you usually watch?"
"What do you mean, what do I watch?" I was a little confused.
"You know, porn. Didn't you say that guys your age all watch it? What
kind of porn do you usually watch?" Aunt Mu seemed a little embarrassed, adding a "囧" emoji.
"Oh, you mean that? I usually watch mother-son films."
"Do boys your age like that?"
"I don't know, but I watch these because I have special fantasies about my mother...
"
"What are those films about?"
"Nothing much. It's too embarrassing, I'd rather not talk about it."
But Aunt Mu seemed very curious and kept asking, so I could only mention it
briefly: "It's about a mother and son being alone, both feeling lonely, and finally confessing their feelings and having that kind of
relationship."
After a moment of silence, Aunt Mu replied, "Do you think he would accept me if I confessed my feelings to my son?"
"Well... it's hard to say. After all, even people the same age don't have the same thoughts
."
Aunt Mu seemed a little disappointed and remained silent for a while.
I vaguely sensed that my "truthful words" had upset Aunt Mu, and I secretly regretted it. I immediately
comforted her, "Auntie, don't worry, if you're honest, I'll definitely accept it!"
"Pfft—get lost, who wants to be with you? I want to be with my precious son—go away—
" Aunt Mu replied immediately, even sending a "tongue out" emoji.
I was embarrassed; I had spoken carelessly and misspoke. I quickly sent, "No, I meant if
you were my mother, I would definitely love you very much." Then, afraid that Aunt Mu would misunderstand, I sent another message, "Actually,
I didn't mean anything by it; I just wanted to comfort you—"
But then I realized that wasn't right, and immediately sent another message, "I misspoke; it should be, if I were your son,
I would definitely love you—"
"Okay, okay." Seeing that Aunt Mu didn't seem to care too much, I breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps I
hadn't even realized that I had chatted with a complete stranger for so long, and had even been emotionally affected by her.
I don't know why, but I felt an inexplicable sense of trust in Aunt Mu, a vague feeling that she wouldn't
harm me.
However, my heart, which had just settled, immediately jumped again. Aunt Mu replied, "You just
imagine me as your mother, don't you? And you make it sound so high and mighty. Just say you want to take advantage of your mother—" This
playful yet blatant message was followed by a sly smile emoji. Even through the screen, I could imagine
a beautiful woman holding her phone, playfully covering her mouth and giggling. This left me speechless.
I don't know where I got the courage, but I actually followed up on Aunt Mu's use of "mother," saying, "Son just
likes his mother, so what?"
"Heh, you're so young, but you're quite energetic. Auntie just mentioned it casually, and Xiao Wen took
it so seriously. It seems you're quite infatuated with your mother—"
My mind went blank again. I hadn't expected to be teased repeatedly, and with just one sentence, she had
outmaneuvered me twice. This made me feel both embarrassed and humiliated. Strangely enough, I actually
enjoyed being teased like this. It felt like I was back in fourth or fifth grade, joking around with my mom
. Back then, I had a vague understanding of sex and some strange feelings for girls, and my mom
would often joke about it with me. I hadn't felt that kind of harmonious mother-son relationship in a long time
. Thinking about it, my eyes welled up with tears.
"Auntie, can I call you Mom?" Perhaps I was too immersed in the warm memories of mother-son affection, and
without thinking, I made such an unreasonable request. I didn't expect her to agree, but I
still held onto a sliver of hope. Ah, the internet is truly amazing. It can exist independently of reality, transcending the limitations of morality
, allowing people to completely release themselves—perhaps revealing the beauty within, or the darkness of human nature
… "Hmm—" An unexpected reply! Aunt Mu actually agreed to my absurd request.
Before I could reply, Aunt Mu sent another message: "Xiaowen, I don't know why
, but I was particularly easily moved today. And I don't know why, but during our conversation, I gradually
let my guard down. When you called me 'Mom,' my heart even trembled. Yes,
it's been a long time since my son called me that with such affection. I unconsciously thought of the happy days I spent with him. Perhaps
I'm just too tired, and I want to find something to lean on. In reality, I can't let go of my facade. But
after talking with you tonight, I actually felt relaxed, and my pressure seemed to lessen...
"
Hearing this, I fell silent. Ah, we were both in the same boat, sharing similar experiences, similar feelings, and an unspoken
spiritual connection. Perhaps from the moment Aunt Mu picked up that message in a bottle, our fate was
sealed in that shared moment.
Fate, indeed, is a mysterious thing.
"Son, Mom's a little tired, I'm going to sleep now. You should take care of yourself and go to sleep early too." Unlike the previous
text messages, this was a voice message. The woman's voice carried a sense of vicissitude, weariness, and love; it
was gentle and beautiful, just like my mother's care for me years ago. I felt as if I could hear my mother's
voice too, and the tension in my heart was deeply touched.
"Mom, you take care of yourself too, I'm going to sleep now." I sent a voice message in return, my voice full of
concern. Aunt Mu didn't reply after that; she must have gone to sleep.
I put down my phone, leaning weakly against the bed. I felt like I had so much to say,
so many secrets to confide. After chatting with Aunt Mu, I felt my heart couldn't be contained anymore. Perhaps even
I hadn't noticed the subtle affection I felt for my mother
before. Aunt Mu's words were like a catalyst, instantly igniting the faint feelings of love I had for her. I suddenly had an impulse. I wanted to run to my mother's
room, hold her in my arms, and tell her how much I loved her. To make her my lover, not my mother.
But this thought only flashed through my mind before it was immediately extinguished.
—Incest! This heavy word struck my heart. Even
a mature woman like Aunt Mu, who was relatively open online, didn't dare to directly confront the entire concept of morality, let alone me? Even if I were willing, I'm afraid
my mother's closed-off heart wouldn't accept it.
I kept thinking about these things, my feelings becoming increasingly complicated. Aunt Mu's words were like pebbles
rippling in my heart.
As I thought, scenes of me begging my mother when I was in elementary school kept flashing through my mind. I remember
when I was in first or second grade, I was just a tiny little thing, and every night I would fall asleep in my mother's arms...
Memories flooded back; I could only hear my mother's kind voice echoing in my ears, and smell her fragrant scent
... As if I were still in my mother's embrace, I gradually lost consciousness and drifted off to sleep,
murmuring, "Mommy, don't go."
After a long time, a beautiful figure appeared, sitting quietly at the head of my bed.
In the darkness, a pair of delicate hands gently stroked my face.
Whose tears, like broken pearls, slid down her cheeks, shattering on my lips...
?

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【My Story with My Mother】(03) 【Author: Liu Feng】

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