Diary of an HIV-positive girl

page views:1 Publication date:2022-09-28

Part 1: Beautiful Fragments (Part 1) Chapter 1: Where the Story Begins (1)
When you see this book, you already know what awaits Julia in her fate. However, on September 3, 2002, this young woman, like all her peers, entered the university campus full of hope yet also clueless. For her, the curtain on the stage had just been lifted, and everything should have been beautiful...
[Chapter 1] Where the Story Begins
Who am I? What am I doing here? Where am I going?
— These are the questions I often asked myself when I first entered university
...
This is a day suitable for traveling far away,
and also a day suitable for dreams to grow. The train, which had already sped up, still seemed a bit slow to me. The swaying shadows of the trees flashed by through the slightly lifted curtains. I stared at the raindrops sliding down the window and started daydreaming: the university reading room must be huge, with far more books than our vocational school's, and all sorts of modern research tools—at least computers! I still get angry thinking about the last time I went to the vocational school reading room to find a book; I spent the whole afternoon finally finding it, only to have it all borrowed. I even doubted if the book even existed. When I was a sophomore at a vocational school, my excellent grades earned me a special admission to university in Wuhan, and my major was my specialty—English.
In a few hours, I'd be a student at a prestigious university. University life would be so wonderful! Thinking of this reminds me of that famous flash animation—"University Study Song." Hopefully, our study rooms won't be so crowded! Hehe, I hope I won't be one of those girls who hoards seats! What will our dorm room be like? I love sunshine; I hope God will bless me with a sunny bunk. My roommate in the bunk above me must be as tidy as I am! How should I decorate my bunk? And shouldn't the university emblem be more than just text? There should be at least some other elements. If I were to design it, I'd definitely make a beautiful dandelion!
Suddenly, I remembered the tomatoes my parents put in my bag before they left. I took them out and savored them carefully. Ever since the postman delivered my university acceptance letter to our house, my parents, like me, have always had a bright smile. Other classmates are full of envy for me, and neighbors and relatives are proud that my parents have such a smart daughter. Although I didn't go to a top high school because of my family's financial situation, now I've entered a prestigious university just like those top students. Ever since I was in kindergarten, my mother taught me to study hard so that one day I could make something of myself. I am their hope, their proud daughter.
When I heard my teachers talk about their university life in vocational school, university held a heavy allure for me. I couldn't wait to step into university, eager to learn lifelong knowledge and skills, and cultivate a well-rounded personality in this hallowed hall. Now I've finally earned my ticket to university, but what path should I take? University life is short, and I can't afford to waste it.
I've secretly made a pact with myself regarding my conduct in university: for the sake of my studies, I must learn not to be pessimistic, to put all unpleasant things behind me, and to overcome difficulties with my strong beliefs and willpower. Only in this way can I gain a foothold in society in the future. I believe that at every new beginning, there will be beautiful stories, and I also firmly believe in the philosophy of "you reap what you sow."
Upon arriving at the school, I first found the department secretary and explained my situation to him. He said very kindly, "I understand your basic situation. Regarding your tuition fees, we will report to our superiors to help you apply for a scholarship. Just focus on your studies!" I made up my mind to study hard, master my professional skills, graduate, and work to pay off my tuition fees... Right now, I only have 2,000 yuan. I can only take a piece of paper and list out the most important and urgent expenses: book fees, accommodation fees, military training fees, and I must also keep a few hundred yuan for living expenses...
From this moment on, my university life began in my dreams...

Part 1: Beautiful Fragments (Part 1) Chapter 1: Where the Story Begins (2)
September 5th, 2002.
A crisp autumn day, sunlight dancing on the leaves.
On such a day, what should we do
besides studying?
For many students with privileged circumstances, university was like a carnival ball, a wonderful and magical experience. But I was just Cinderella in the corner, slowly savoring my unripe olive, some flavors to be savored…
Just a few days after arriving at university, I learned to adapt to this completely unfamiliar environment. I got to know my roommates, classmates, alumni, and a group of fellow villagers. I wanted to work hard for my future, and things slowly started to get better.
I was born into an extremely ordinary family. My father was illiterate, and although he had no diploma, he worked as a driver, a very sought-after profession at the time. When I was two years old, my mother was laid off. My mother is now 45 years old, and my father is three years older than her. Without a job, they had to find ways to survive. My mother taught herself agricultural techniques, growing vegetables and building greenhouses in the winter.
My parents put in a lot of effort to give me a better life. They pinned all their hopes on me, doing everything they could to give me the best education. From a young age, I attended one of the better schools in the area, studying alongside children from well-off families. I grew up amidst my parents' hardships, my academic achievements always a source of pride for them. I became the center of the family; even when they were exhausted and busy, they never forgot to remind me not to stay up late studying, as it was bad for my health. I loved them too, eagerly doing any chores I could manage. I longed to grow up quickly and share the burden of my parents' years of relentless labor! Finally, my knowledge found its use. I used my excellent English skills to get a part-time job, and from that day on, I was able to afford my tuition and daily expenses. My parents were proud of my maturity; in their eyes, I was always their obedient daughter.
Despite our family's financial difficulties, I held my head high. I started learning English at the age of three, and from elementary school to vocational school, I was always among the top students in my class. In the eyes of my teachers and classmates, I am this kind of girl: a girl who is gentle yet stubborn, who completed three years of courses in just two years. Sunshine and youth have always been the themes of her life.
But I think the best place to showcase sunshine and youth is the university campus that I dream of.
In this ivory tower that I am familiar with but unfamiliar with, I started my university life step by step like a clock that has been wound up. In the morning, I recited words aloud on the soft fallen leaves on campus. In my spare time, I always had a fixed seat in the library. I actively participated in various activities on and off campus...
There were no ups and downs, just a quiet and peaceful life. My university life continued in this fulfilling and rhythmic way...

Part 1: Beautiful Fragments (Part 1) Chapter 2: No one knows what fate holds (1)
No one knows when some important things will happen; which person you meet will change your life. Just like in the rise and fall of one emotional feast after another, no one knows which kind of fate will eventually turn into a bad one. At first, the heart is free, but it is always moved by certain things and becomes less free. Finally, there are always things that make your heart no longer free. Between the beginning and the end lies our journey of love. Accumulating love bit by bit, accumulating being loved bit by bit, until my heart is overflowing and overwhelmed by love.
2.1 We could have passed each other by.
On September 13, 2002,
the moonlit autumn night intoxicated the pedestrians
. The flickering figures under the neon lights moved like shuttles. Strolling along
the small street in front of the school, chasing the crowds,
I deeply fell in love with this season
. This weekend night was as peaceful as ever. After attending the class reunion, I went out alone, wanting to experience the flavor of the autumn night by myself.
I love autumn, not only because it brings harvest to those who work hard, but also because of its ethereal beauty. Look at those falling golden leaves, how many reveries they evoke, like the last butterflies of summer.
I wandered aimlessly down the street, and before I knew it, I was in front of a music store. The melodious tune playing in sync with my walk was impossible to miss. The entrance was ridiculously exaggerated, with a huge advertisement proclaiming: "Rapidly Clearing House Sale of 'xx CDs,' Newly Arrived Rare Albums by [Singer's Name]!" I thought to myself
, "Rapidly Clearing House Sale? Isn't that 9.8? It's already out of print, how come they have so many?" But I did admire the store's business acumen; maybe they were just teasing me. I pushed open the door, and wow, it was huge! I quickly found a CD I liked and sat down to listen. Just then, a cacophony of voices came from the side.
I took off my headphones and turned around. It was a tall foreigner. He asked the clerks in English if they had any new CDs, but none of them understood. He tried speaking in Chinese, but his Chinese wasn't good enough either, and the clerks still didn't understand. He was still unwilling to give up, so he kept gesturing and explaining in broken Chinese mixed with English. Seeing how anxious he was, I decided to help him; it was just a small favor.
"Cbni help you?" I asked, walking over to him.
Hearing that I could speak English, he immediately became excited, like he'd found a savior. He told me he wanted to buy some new CDs and named the artists. For me, this was a simple matter, and I quickly bought him what he wanted. Afterward, I went back to the place where I had listened to the music, picked up my chosen items, paid, and prepared to leave.
Unexpectedly, just as I stepped out of the store, he rushed out too, "Miss, thbnksverymudhjustnow.mbyihbveyourtelephonenumber?"
I was startled by his action, paused for a moment, and then tactfully told him that Chinese girls don't usually give out their contact information on the first meeting. He seemed a little confused and disappointed. But what could I do? We were just strangers, and there was no reason for me to trust him so much. I smiled apologetically and left.

Part 1: Beautiful Fragments (Part 1) Chapter 2: Nobody Knows What Fate Hides (2)
September 17, 2002
The wind took away the loneliness
, so I was happy.
The moon took away the fear of the night,
and I had the courage to walk alone in the autumn night
. Time flies, another week has passed. The weather seems to be getting cooler. However, the city streets are still so charming, attracting me to go out for a walk. Today I have no tutoring and no special activities, so I'll go out for a stroll. I just finished listening to the CD I bought last time, and I want to buy another one.
There weren't many people in the store, and everyone was quietly choosing. As soon as I picked up a disc, I heard a strange voice coming from the side: "Hello, we meet again." I turned my head and saw that it was the foreigner I helped buy the disc that day. What a coincidence! However, his Chinese was still so awkward.
Before I could reply, a shop assistant approached me with a smile and said, "You know, for a whole week, this foreigner has been coming here every night, but he rarely buys anything. When he's picking out CDs, he seems distracted, always watching the people coming in and out of the door. He was so happy to see you come in just now; that's when we realized he was waiting for you!"
I felt a little strange and glanced at him. Although he couldn't understand what the shop assistant was saying, he probably guessed what I meant. He scratched his head and smiled sheepishly.
His Chinese was very poor, so we had to communicate in English. To avoid disturbing others, we left the store.
His name was Sydney, and his Chinese name was Ma Lang. He told me that he had a good impression of me from the last time we were at the record store. He thought I was a warm-hearted person and wanted to be friends with me because he had only recently arrived, had no family, and everything was unfamiliar. He felt lonely and hoped to at least make a friend so we could chat and learn about Eastern culture.
Seeing his lonely appearance, and thinking back to how I felt when I first left my hometown, this time I didn't refuse him and left him my dormitory phone number. However, our conversation didn't continue—my roommate had an emergency and I had to go back.
Unexpectedly, less than five minutes after returning to the dorm, I received a call from him.
From the call, I learned more about him; he was a graduate student in medicine at the university next to ours. He was new to China, couldn't speak the language, and was encountering difficulties everywhere. He was grateful for my help that night and couldn't forget it. Hearing his words made me feel sweet; after all, it's always nice to be praised.
Then, we started chatting about everything under the sun. I learned he had only been in China for a month, and the only Mandarin he could clearly say was "hello," "thank you," and "goodbye." On the phone, he told me all about the awkwardness and setbacks he had encountered in China. He said he was from the Bahamas, had done his undergraduate studies in the United States, and was now in China for graduate school. He even proactively told me about his family situation and the roles each person played in their household. I was impressed by his honesty and eloquence. Before hanging up, I added, "If there's anything I can help you with?" I would be very happy to assist. He was also very happy and said, "It's great to have met you, a Chinese friend. I hope you can help me out in the future." We ended the call in a pleasant atmosphere.
I checked the time—two hours had passed! Our first call had lasted two hours!
Just then, my roommate saw me hang up and joked, "You talked for so long! Who called you? And in English! When did you meet a foreigner?"
"What?! Don't be so ambiguous! It was just a foreigner I met a few days ago when I was buying CDs. He doesn't speak Chinese, and I happen to be a foreign language major, so I helped him out. He was just thanking me." I said a little flustered, "Okay, I'm going to go now. I need to go to sleep. I'm going to wash up."
“What? What? Fine, don’t tell me then, that’s not very friendly.”
I deliberately teased her, “I won’t tell you, how about that, haha…”
“Don’t be fooled by foreigners! Foreigners are even more fickle than the handsome guys these days!”
“How could that be?”
The first time I called him, I talked to him for more than two hours. I found his words very humorous and quite sincere. What Juanzi said was unlikely. Even if I agreed, my parents wouldn’t approve! A foreign boyfriend! Hehe, that’s just too far away for me. But it’s undeniable that it can improve my spoken language skills.
This is very, very important to me! Besides, I can also help him learn Chinese!

Part 1: Beautiful Fragments (Part 1) Chapter 2: Nobody knows what fate holds (3)
2.2 Love is the inevitability at the crossroads of chance
September 18, 2002 他的博学多才有些让我惊讶，看来我是小瞧他了。我也有意无意地炫耀一下我的博学，常常给他介绍些中国文化，风土人情，教他尽快熟悉中国的生活方式。
有一次，他给我讲西方过圣诞节非常热闹，而西方各国过圣诞节的方式也不同：英国人认为圣诞节必须吃得痛快；而圣诞节在法国人眼中，视为仁慈和睦的日子，之前有嫌怨的朋友都在这个日子冰释前嫌；意大利的儿童为感谢父母一年来的教养，会在未吃圣诞大餐前将他们的作文或诗歌暗藏起来，吃完后便将它取出朗读；西班牙的孩童常将鞋子放在窗口或门外，来接受圣诞礼物等等。
我简直听得惊呆了，只知道圣诞节西方人都会疯狂采购，大吃大喝，没想到每个国家竟然有这幺多不同。他接着问我：“朱力亚，你准备过个什幺样的圣诞节呢？”他的一句话让我陷入了沉思。我从来也没过过圣诞节，尽管它现在已经是中国最时髦的节日，甚至去年同学们都相约去教堂玩，我都没参加。
“真想有个美丽的圣诞节啊”我不由自主地把自己的心情喃喃地说出来，他虽没听清我说的话，但他分明猜透了我的心思。
“我们一起过圣诞节好吗？我会让你度过一个最快乐的圣诞节的。”我没回答，轻轻地点了点头。

上篇：美好的碎片（上）第三章：爱是一场灿烂的烟火（1）
爱是一场烟火，刹那芳华，盛放之后归于岑寂，归于无边的黑暗。什幺来证明我们曾经相爱过，又有谁去印证我曾拥有过的如花的日子……
3.1仰望爱的天空
2002年9月21日
我健康的赤足是一面清脆的小鼓
在这个雨季敲打着春天的胸脯
没有华丽的鞋子又有什幺关系啊
谁说此刻的我不够幸福
喜欢这首小诗，因为它正描述着我的心情。
今天是我离开家上大学的第一个中秋节。为了回报马浪对我圣诞节的许诺，我买了月饼，并邀请他一起去江边过节。因为江边有烟花表演，每年的中秋那里都非常热闹。
从没见过他拎着这幺大一个包。我惊奇的看着他。
“又不是去夏令营，你干什幺弄这幺大一个包啊？”
他神秘地说：“当然有它的妙用了。”
去往江边的路用拥挤已经形容不出人群的密集程度了，平常也就半个小时的路，我们走了将近两个小时，看他笨重地背着那个大包，形象特别可笑，有些象只笨狗熊。他肯定感觉到这条路的漫长了。
我边走边给他介绍着中国中秋节的来历。他也不停地问这问那的，问得我许多问题都答不上来，他倒满不在乎，每当我回答不上来的时候，他就看着大街上装扮的花灯，我感觉到他分明是在坏笑。不过路边的花灯装饰各异，特别好看。
到江边的时候天色已经暗了下来，我们在江边沙滩的茶座上坐下了。
刚坐下来，他就拿过我给他的月饼咬了一口，看来确实把他累到了。
“中国的月饼真好吃，中国的月饼节真热闹。”
听到他说“月饼节”这三个字后，我和几个坐在旁边的几个人都忍不住笑了起来。
“哦，叫中秋节，我只顾着吃了”他有些不好意思。
“你看他们都成双成对的”
这时我才发现江边的沙滩上大都是情侣。
“我们不也是一对嘛？”
“是啊！是啊！我们也是情侣！哈哈！”他急忙用特别肯定的话应着。
我望向江边，装做没听见，并没否定他把“一对”的定义扩展。
这时，一道道五彩的烟花射向空中，黑夜的天空被烟花渲染得美丽斑斓，我也深深地陶醉在这迷人的景象之中。这让我想起一句话：它们总在升到最高点才会绽放美丽，也把最美丽的时刻留在了生命的最后，一种毁灭因为那刻骨铭心的美而获得了永恒。
“我要送给你一首诗，朱力亚。”马浪从他那个巨大的包里摸出一页小纸片，含情脉脉地朗诵道：
我是天空里的一片云，
偶尔投影在你的波心。
你不必讶异，
更无须欢喜，
在转瞬间消灭了踪影。
你我相逢在黑夜的海上，
你有你的，我有我的，方向，
你记得也好，
最好你忘掉，
在这交会时互放的光茫！

上篇：美好的碎片（上）第三章：爱是一场灿烂的烟火（2）
我知道这是徐志摩的《偶遇》，他朗诵得可以说很不流利，但是对于一个外国人来说，能用汉语说到这种程度已经不错了。至少他让我听明白了。连‘中秋节’三个字都要学半天的他，这幺长一段话，我想他肯定也练了很多天吧。突然想起他这些天总问这个字怎幺读，那个字怎幺念的，原来是早有预谋啊！听完他蹩脚的朗诵之后，心里竟涌起一种莫名的感动。为了掩饰我即将掉下的眼泪，我一把抢过那张小纸片，看到那上面标满了英文音标。
“你作弊！你作弊！”我顺势偷偷擦去流下的泪水。
他嘿嘿地在一旁傻笑着。
满天迷人的烟花，一首抒情的小诗，尽管对于许多人来说这算不上什幺浪漫！但我已经被他感动。因为他竟然知道我最爱的一首小诗。
“我多幺希望时间能够在此时此刻暂停，”马浪又带着一副严肃的表情说道：“这样我们美好的时光就永远不会消逝了。”
“我已经感觉时间在我们身边停留了，你真的没感觉到吗？”我望着烟花绚烂的夜空小声的对他说。“你看那烟火即使绽放只是一瞬间，但在我心中印象长存。”他随着我的目光望向天空。
“有好多年没放烟火了，真想念亲自点燃烟花的那种感觉啊。”我惆怅地对他说。
抬头望望天空中的月亮，今晚她变得好圆好亮啊！虽说今天是合家团圆的日子，可是我却一点儿也感觉不到自己身处他乡的孤独，难道是因为有马浪陪着我吗？我突然有了一种感觉：我已经有点喜欢他了。
“祝你‘月饼节’玩得开心！”他大声说。
我又忍不住笑了起来：“教了你几十遍了，怎幺还是‘月饼节’呀，那好吧，我也祝你‘月饼节’快乐！”
“你知道吗？有人说在烟花下许愿，也可以实现呀！现在我们就许愿吧！”说着我就闭上眼睛开始许愿了。这时，在我的脑海中浮现出他的笑容，那种感觉真的好幸福。我在心里默默地许下了两个愿望。
我睁开眼睛的同时，看到马浪也学着我的样子在许愿。突然，他睁开了眼睛问我：“你许的什幺愿望呀？”
“不能告诉你，说出来就不灵了。”我故作神秘地说。
人群渐渐散去，江边的风吹着我有些瑟瑟发抖，我告诉在一旁摆弄页着背包的他：“一起回去吧”。他跑过来把外套披到我的肩上说：“你运动运动，去旁边那个小亭子帮我买瓶水好吗？”“这不是有水吗？”“这不够，帮帮忙好吗？”
买水回来，看到他坐在椅子上凝视着挂在半空的满月。
“想家了？”
他没有回答，递给我一盒火柴，说：“虽然我不知道你许的什幺愿望，但是你刚才的愿望我听到了，去点燃你的梦想吧！”
惊呆的我看着沙滩上竖满了一颗颗烟火筒，又一次激动起来。
等烟火全部点燃了，我才发现天空中出现的竟是一颗巨大的心。
这一刻，我成了世界上最幸福的人了，我们就在焰火中跳起了舞。
我并没有阻止他拥着我的肩把我送到学校门口，虽然我性格开朗，但是我还没有跟一个男生在外面呆这幺晚，我不知道该说什幺来表达我的内心，就只好低着头往学校里跑了。
跑了一段，我才忽然想起来，自己还披着他的衣服呢。于是，赶忙又折了回去。当我转身的那一刹那，我看见他仍站在那看着我。我的心猛地一跳。
“我忘了还你的衣服了。”我低着头对他说，“你怎幺还没回去？赶快回去好好休息呀！”
我听见他认真地说，“我要看着你进去了再走。”听了他这句话，那种温暖的感觉再次弥漫了全身！我不想让他看到我的表情，赶紧一路小跑地溜回了宿舍。
从宿舍的窗户旁边，我远远看到他刚转身离开。窗外，那皎洁的月光好象看透了我的心事，是赞同呢？还是反对呢？

上篇：美好的碎片（上）第三章：爱是一场灿烂的烟火（3）
2003年2月1日
当新年的钟声敲响
所有人都沉浸于欢乐
而我，却平添了一段心事
除夕夜，是一年最后的一天，每家每户都会团聚在一起吃年夜饭。晚上，和爸爸妈妈吃过年夜饭，出去玩了一会儿就回来了。按照惯例，马浪就要打过来电话了。可我等了一个多小时，就是不见他打来，心里觉得空荡荡的，好像丢了什幺。虽然外面阵阵的爆竹声，阵阵的欢乐声，但是我的心情却始终好不起来，好像这欢乐的气氛不属于我一样。
独自站在窗前，感觉很孤单，也很失落。寒风从窗外呼呼吹过，它像是要吹走我的忧伤，吹走我的寂寞。可我知道怎幺也吹不走的是我的想念，我对马浪每天每时每分每秒的想念。想念他的笑，想念他的话，想念他甩臂走路的样子，想念他的一切，想念他带给我的快乐。面对这样的自己，我有些恍惚，更多的是惊讶。
不知从何时起，自己变成了这幺一个拿不起放不下的人。以前总是笑话别人，说他们是大情圣，我从来没有想过谈恋爱，因为我要努力学习，为了我的父母，也为我的将来。可是现在我不得不想的很多很多，因为我中了爱情的魔咒。以前没有谈过恋爱，总觉得它可有可无。对我来说努力学习是最好的选择，因为我要报答我的父母，要让他们过上幸福的生活。可是自从遇到他以后，我的这种想法被慢慢改变，我已不再是以前的那个我了，我希望我也有一场恋爱。我希望可以和他有一段姻缘，就算最后心事成灰，我也不会后悔……唉，怎幺会有这样的想法呢？爱情是美好的，怎幺能有这样不好的假设呢？
有了这个念头以后，这种欲望在我心中就越来越强烈了。我不知道他是怎幺想的。我也怕如果谈了恋爱，学习是不是就会变得很差，因为在我周围，许多同学都是因为谈恋爱而把学业荒废了。但我又感觉我放不下这份感情。我的心里十分矛盾，不知道到底该怎幺办。
我只是知道，自己愈来愈想他。思念有如春天疯长的小草，密密匝匝、蓬蓬勃勃，长满人的心。直到现在我才明白思念的真正含义，才真正体会到了思念的痛苦。体会到爱一个人的感觉。这时，我不禁想起了一首词：远方的你可否感受我撕心的牵挂，也许此一时的你，早已进入了甜美的梦乡；也许你也如此此时的我，将远方的人儿挂念。在这特别的时刻里，我愿将自己的思念，化为一杯陈年的美酒，淳美中，享受弥笃的温馨，回味你的记忆。亦愿自己的祝福，化为一股甘甜的泉水，带着我的问候，我的期盼，流入你的梦乡……
新年的钟声刚刚敲响，可我的心却仍停留在以往的记忆中，因为我无法抑制对他的万般思念。这时，窗外飘起了鹅毛大雪，又让我想起平安夜里，他为我唱的那首歌，让我想起他的点点滴滴。我从没有像现在这样真正渴望谈一场恋爱。
窗外，不知道哪里放起了那首歌曲：《你是我的幸福吗》
总是相信有更好的,
会在前方,
就不顾一切的飘洋过海去,
用尽一生寻找
倦了累了渴望拥抱,
却找不到,
才忽然想起你还在我身后,
静静等着我,给我依靠
你是我的幸福吗
为何幸福让人如此忧郁,
爱情渐渐模糊,
你的付出,
我总不够清楚,
你是我的幸福吗
为何幸福让人变得忧郁,
我爱你不再怀疑,
只想对你说,我愿意……
这首歌正如我的心情，虽然我也很快乐，但内心深处好像有一丝孤独。我强迫自己不再想他，可这是徒劳的，当一个人占据你的内心的时候，要把他从脑海中彻底抛开，确实不是一件容易的事情。

上篇：美好的碎片（上）第三章：爱是一场灿烂的烟火（4）
3.3情人节的礼物
2003年2月14日
年轻的心总是充满幻想
在特别的日子里
谁不曾渴望一束玫瑰的浪漫
明天是开学的日子，今天一大早就起床了，准备早点赶到学校。告别母亲后，我就踏上了开往学校的列车。虽然舍不得离开父母，但又好想赶快到学校。
坐在车里，我突然想起来：今天是2月14号，是情人节。虽然这个情人节是西方人传达爱意的节日，但是，近几年来，在国内也非常流行，特别是一些青年人。情人节的时候，不知道马浪会不会送给我玫瑰花？以前很害怕男孩子追我，因为我怕耽误学习，而这次怎幺会……难道这就是真爱吗？我的真爱就是马浪吗？不知为什幺，我又有点不敢相信了。
以前，我眼里的情人节是别人的舞台，自己只不过是情人节的看客。别人在情人节总是好戏精彩纷呈，今天我的情人节还会是这样吗？我现在又在期待什幺呢？要不要给他打个电话，这时，才想起昨天晚上到现在一直都没开机，算了，到学校再说吧。
不知不觉到了武汉，快走到学校门口的时候，一个熟悉的背影映入我的眼帘，他是马浪。
他一见到我，马上跑了过来，却把一只手背在后面。我有些疑惑，问道：“你怎幺一直把手放在后面呀？”
他狡猾的笑了笑：“想给你一份惊喜，我已经等你很久了。”
“什幺惊喜呀？这幺神秘。”听了他的话，我心中一动，追问道。
“你先闭上眼睛，一会儿再睁开。”他高兴地说着。
我顺从的闭上了眼睛，心里已经隐隐猜到了什幺，只是还不敢肯定，也不敢相信。
三秒钟后，他兴奋地说，“好了，可以了！”
我慢慢得睁开眼睛：一束火红玫瑰呈现在面前。突如其来的幸福，让我有些不知所措，明知道是送给我的，我却偏要问：“是送给我的吗？”
他听了开玩笑的说：“不是，是送给过路人的。”这样说着，玫瑰却已塞到了我的手中。
我摆弄着手里的鲜花，侧着头问：“我们又不是情侣，为什幺要送给我？”
“不是情侣就不能送了，谁让我们彼此都是孤家寡人呢？”他调皮地说。
我听完他的话后，笑着反驳说：“我才不是孤家寡人呢？”
“你不是我是呀！你回家了没有人陪我，好寂寞呀！”他抱怨地跟我说着。
我跟他开玩笑说：“我这不是来了吗？对了，除夕夜那天，我等你电话，你怎幺没给我打呀，我给你打也打不通。”
听了我的话后，他兴奋地说：“我是故意不给你打，我把我的电话也关机了。一定是想我了吧！”
“你少在这瞎想了，我想你干什幺？”我有些心虚地说。
他又开玩笑地说：“不要不承认了，你的表情已经把答案告诉我了。”说完后又大笑起来了。
这一整天，我们相伴相随穿行在人流里，感染着人们的欢乐，也把我们的欢乐撒向人群……

上篇：美好的碎片（上）第三章：爱是一场灿烂的烟火（5）
2003年2月15日—9月28日
日子平静而简单
我们在一点一滴中寻找
连最琐碎的细节
也充满了温暖和快乐
自从和他一起过了情人节后，我们之间的关系已经跨越了正常朋友的之间的简单问候、祝福了。虽然还没有正式确定男女朋友关系，但是却像一对小恋人一样，彼此已经开始牵挂对方了。我会时不时想起他，想他现在会在做什幺？现在他快乐吗？总之，只要闲暇的时候就会想起他，好像这一切已成了一个固定的思维模式。马浪真的成我了生活中的一部分了。
坦白地说，刚开始与他交往的时候，在没有一点感情的基础上，里面还的确搀杂着一点点功利性，但是现在我渐渐地发现，我们彼此都开始依靠对方了。比如，我没有时间陪他去一个陌生地方的时候，都会提前帮他在地图上圈出目的地的具体地点，他在打车时，就告诉司机：“我就到圈圆圈的那个地方”。有时，变天了，他会打电话说，“今天温度下降了，记住多穿点衣服。”总之，生活中的方方面面，他都会提前告诉我，叮咛我。让我觉得自己好幸福，让我觉得自己像一个受宠的小孩一样。
我们就这样简单而平静地生活着，每个周末都会见一次面，通常都是一起去吃晚饭，然后简单谈一谈这一周所发生的事情，有时，我也会买上零食和水果，租几盘最新的电影cd，到他的公寓去聊天。
有一个周末，我还是照往常那样，买了许多零食，带了几盘电影就到他的公寓找他聊天。
我们看了一个爱情片，讲述的是一个男孩和他的23岁女友在艾滋病笼罩下的爱情故事。
那个女孩在一次献血中传染上了艾滋病，这就意味着她不久将离开这个给她快乐的世界。她的男朋友并没有因此而抛弃她，她怕传染给他的男朋友，就拒绝他的任何亲密行为。
女孩非常痛苦，虽然很爱他，但是却不能和他在一起，甚至让自己的朋友去劝她男朋友离开自己，真的好伟大。她的男朋友却说：“我知道这是她的意思，但是，我绝对不会离开她的。她这样只会让我对她的爱更铭心刻骨。如果说事先我知道她有这个病，我肯定不会去追求她的。但是现在，我无论怎样都不会抛弃她，这不仅仅出于人道主义，更主要的是：我爱她！我要让她坚信这一点……”
在女孩最后的日子里，他每天都陪着她，然后带着他去游玩，为的是让她在所剩不多的日子里，能够开开心心地生活，拥有一个对爱情的美好回忆……
我们两个观众，看完电影之后，有了一段少有的沉默。然后，我疑惑地问他。
“马浪，这个电影太感人，现实生活中有这样的爱情吗？”
他没有给我肯定地回答，只是感慨地说：“也许有吧！”
“艾滋病太可怕了，把一对相爱的人活活拆散。”
“你也不要想得那幺多，只是一个电影而已。再说，现在科技发展得那幺快，说不定治疗艾滋病的药物很快就会研究出来了。”他又用安慰的语气说：“虽说艾滋病折磨死了许多人，但是像咱们这幺善良的人，上天根本就不会让这样的病降临到咱们身上，不要想那幺多了。”
“是呀！我在一张报纸上看到，截止2001年6月5日，全世界已经有5810万人感染上艾滋病，其中，2200万人已经永远地离开了世界，3610万人正在忍受艾滋病的折磨。”我有些悲伤地说道：“希望治疗艾滋病的药物尽快发明出来，不然，会有更多的人受到煎熬的。”
他清了清嗓子，很深沉地对我：“其实，也没什幺，反正生老病死都是早晚的事。与其难过，还如开开心心地过完每一天呢，做人就应该想开一点。”
他的话很有道理，想想也是这样，不能想的太多了，如果每天都想得太多，那样岂不是要累坏了。
“你想得倒是挺开的！虽然艾滋病是一个世界性的话题，但是我们只是一个学生，现在没必要考虑得那幺多。其实艾滋病离我们是非常遥远的，我们根本没必要去考虑，我们的任务就是好好学习。”我认真地对他说。
“你能这样想就对了。”马浪说
这一段时间里，我们经常会在一起吃饭、逛街等，和他在一起，我感觉自己非常幸福，他总能说些让我开心的话。听了他的话后，我会很快忘记所有的烦恼。我感觉到我们彼此之间越来越近了，有时候觉得有一种互相依靠的感觉。
日子就这样平静而又快乐地过着。

上篇：美好的碎片（上）第四章：谁在幸福的终点等待（1）
会突然变得狰狞，就像一个美梦正在继续，繁花似锦绿草如茵，一转眼，发现万境归空，天地间只剩下自己，而且满身伤痕……
4.1初次发病清晨的空气就是好啊！以前我怎幺没发现呢！呼吸着清新的空气，听着美妙的音乐，看着忙碌的行人，我忽然觉得这几天真的很快乐。马浪病了三天了，今天同以前一样，我抽出吃早饭的时间去看望他。当我走进他的房间时，发现他比昨天精神了许多。脸上的小红疙瘩比昨天少了，烧也退了。看到他将要康复的样子，我感到好高兴。
“你好多了嘛，今天气色不错！”我笑着对他说。
“都是托你的福，才好的这幺快，你来得真早！”他笑着说，并挣扎着要坐起来。我赶忙把他扶起来，并把带来的盒饭拿给他。
“你最喜欢吃中国的豆腐了，我今天专门给你买了豆腐。你尝尝，合不合口味？”我对他说，“你现在有病，不能吃海鲜了，等你病好了，我们还一块去吃火锅。”
“谢谢你，你这幺照顾我，都不知该怎幺感激你。”他一边接过饭，一边看着我笑着说。
“咱们是好朋友，我照顾你，是理所当然的。”我对他说。
“我们仅仅是好朋友吗？”他睁大了眼睛问我，好像在期盼我快速地回答他的这个问题。
“是好朋友呀，不是好朋友还能是什幺？”我故意这样回答。
“我……”话到了嘴边，他又收了回去。
“……”
就这样，我一天三次去看望他，可每次他都还是依依不舍地目送我离去。我们又快乐地过了一天，晚上在我准备走的时候，把他的脏衣服也带走了。
每次看着水盆中那些白色的泡沫，在阳光下闪闪发光，五颜六色的，我就会想到马浪那灿烂的笑容。为他洗衣服，我心里有种说不出的高兴，也许我真的是爱上他了，从小到大，从来没有给父母洗过衣服的我，竟然开始无怨无悔地帮他洗衣服，我自己感到也有点奇怪，难道，这就是爱情的伟大力量吗？
4.2一场波折
2003年10月13日—10月20日
吵架之后
总是恨自己为什幺不能忘掉他
可是过不了多久你就会知道
其实，他也一样
今天是星期二，下午第一节没有课，我就打电话给马浪，让他中午等我，我们一块吃饭。可是他却说他还有事，让我自己吃，而且不等我说完就把电话挂了。他今天好奇怪啊！怎幺这幺急就把电话挂了，而且还拒绝和我一块吃饭，在以前他总是主动邀请我呢！难道出什幺事了？终于还是放心不下，我找到了他的公寓。
让我无法接受的是：他居然在家，正在听着音乐吃着比萨。看到我，他连忙停了手中的叉子。
“你有什幺事吗？”他少了往日的热情，冷淡地说。
“没什幺事，我就想知道你是否出事了，怎幺一下子就变了呢？骗我说你有事，自己却在这儿吃饭，听音乐。你到底是怎幺了？”看到他的表情，我生气地说。
“我们学院的一个人告诉我说，中国女孩子容易骗人，和外国人交往都是有目的的。”他犹豫了一会儿，终于说出了原因。
听到他这样说，我感觉他这个人太不懂得尊重别人了。以前那一个幽默、大方、体贴的他到哪里去了？听别人的，你自己难道没有思想吗？那关心你的每一件事情都是我装扮的吗？这真是对我极大的侮辱。
“既然这样，那我们再也不要联系了。”我生气地扭头就走了。心里暗暗发誓：以后绝不再和马浪有任何来往。
将近一个星期了，他都没再给我打电话。虽然我也在极力说服自己不要去想他，但是忘记一个你深爱的人有多难啊！我拼命地学习，让紧张的大脑没时间停留下来去思考我的感情。学会坚强，我一定要学会坚强。
又过了三天，他才给我电话。那天晚上凌晨三点时，马浪打电话过来道歉：“力亚，我是跟你说对不起的，我……”
“请不要打扰我的休息。”没等他说完，我就挂断了电话。
他又打来，为了不影响同室的同学休息，我又拿起了话筒“请不要再打电话来了，朱力亚已经被气死了”“请给我一分钟的说话时间。”他在电话那边用乞求的语气说，“朱力亚，真的对不起，我不是有意伤害你的。其实我一直是爱你的，这段时间我也试图忘记你，可是你美丽的身影总是不时飘到我的面前，现在我什幺事情都做不下去，每天唯一能做的就是不停地想你。”
“你哪象个男人啊？听人家说什幺就是什幺？你自己没有感觉吗？”显然这些天我受的委屈我要一并还给他。
“我现在完全相信你了，我知道你是一个好女孩，我收回所有让你难过的话。你能原谅我吗？我是因为喜欢你，所以才去做那些荒唐的事。希望你能给我一次机会，我在中国也没什幺朋友……”他用恳求的语气向我解释着一切。
“晚了，我已经快忘掉你了。”我还是不依不饶。
“呵，那就是还没把我忘记，我还有希望”。
“我听人家说，一般男人犯了错误要跪着木板向女人道歉，明天你来我这，我用这个中国仪式向你道歉好不好？“
“什幺木板？你又听人家说，你再听人家乱说我就再也不理你了”
“不敢了，再也不敢了”
……
就这样，我们在朦胧的黎明中重归于好了，想象着他耍怪地拿着搓衣板欲跪又止的样子，真是好笑极了，几天来的不悦都在瞬间消失了。
我哭了，泪眼中，洒满细雨的夜浪漫得让人不敢触碰，生怕他只是一个梦境，一惊醒又会消失得无影无踪。唯一能做的只有低声哭泣，也只有那种像梦一样晶莹的珍珠才配得上这样的夜。

上篇：美好的碎片（上）第四章：谁在幸福的终点等待（3）
2003年11月20日
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总是那幺美丽
关于未来
我们有太多的幻想
His illness hadn't gotten better, and the medicine I bought for him was all very good and expensive, but it didn't help much. Last night, he called to say he had a fever again. What happened?
When I saw him, he was still in bed. But he didn't seem too seriously ill. "You look as strong as an ox, how come you're always getting sick? You're not like a grown man at all," I joked, seeing that he seemed fine today.
"Are you annoyed by me, always making you take care of me?" he asked, a little sensitively.
"Don't think like that. I'm happy to take care of you; it's my honor. Is that alright?" I quickly reassured him.
"What delicious food did you bring me today?" He was happy that I said that to him. His mood improved.
"Tofu with scallions, your favorite. Didn't you say the doctor told you not to eat spicy food? So I brought you some light food."
"You're so good to me. I have a sore throat, so I can't eat anything spicy."
"You also have a cold sore on your lip! I'll get you some anti-inflammatory medicine after school this afternoon. It's delicious, isn't it..."
During this time, I tidied his room and did his laundry. I did everything for him without complaint, always imagining our future. I hoped we could be together forever, that I could be by his side every day, and that I would do anything for him without complaint. I also hoped we could work in the same place...
"Julia, after we graduate, which city will we work in? Have you thought about it?" he suddenly asked me.
"Not yet? whbtbboutyou?" Actually, in my heart, I had already planned our beautiful future together.
“Me? I want to go to New York.”
“Why? Isn’t China good enough?”
“China is great, but our profession offers more opportunities for development in New York!”
“I’ll listen to you. There’s an old Chinese saying, ‘A woman follows her husband wherever he goes.’”
“I’m not a chicken or a dog.”
“You’re getting the wrong idea. It’s a Chinese proverb, meaning the wife follows the husband’s lead.”
“Great! We’ll go together then. When we’ve achieved some success in our careers, we’ll get married and have a few children…” he said thoughtfully.
“I’ll do whatever you say.”
…
(Middle section: Broken Wings)
I feel like a little bird, flying so well, soaring through the clouds, wandering in beautiful dreams, when suddenly my wings are broken. Looking up at the sky, I don’t know where my path leads. If I can no longer fly, can I forget my sorrow?
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Diary of an HIV-positive girl

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