[Brother, I'm sorry - Qing]

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【I'm Sorry, Brother - Qing】

I don't know why I'm writing this. Is it to share with everyone or to invite everyone's condemnation and scorn?

This has been incredibly agonizing. I've been struggling with this for a while now, tormented by my conscience!

My name is Zhu Qingyan, I'm 29, unmarried, an average-looking, somewhat unkempt older man,

not very tall (170cm), with a very ordinary appearance. There's nothing about me that would attract girls; I'm more about

pleasing them… Friends, especially female friends, tease me about being a bit simple-minded, and behind my back, some say my

appearance is funny… I work at a financial company, my salary is average, usually around 5,000 or 6,000 yuan, sometimes

over 10,000 yuan a month if I perform well, but with that kind of income, it's hard to live a carefree life in a big city like Shanghai. My family

is from the countryside; my parents are honest farmers, living a poor life in the mountains, relying on the land for their livelihood.

My parents and I are both honest people, content with our lot. After graduating from junior high school, I started going out to earn money to help support my parents

. I have a younger sister named Zhu Qingqing. She's 23 years old and about to graduate from a university in Shanghai.

She's the only person from our village attending a prestigious university. She has excellent grades and

has been receiving scholarships every year since her sophomore year. She's hardworking and considerate of me, her older brother,

working tirelessly to support our family and pay for her middle school, high school, and university tuition. I'm so glad she doesn't look like me. She's beautiful, pure, and

kind—a bit above average. She was the object of many boys' affections and jealousy at university. She's not particularly

tall, 162cm, but has a great figure, fair and delicate skin, and long, flowing hair parted in the middle. I don't know if it's because of her family

background , the stress of studying, or perhaps girls have high expectations of their figures, or maybe she's

malnourished—she only weighs 94 jin (42 kg). In her classmates' eyes, she's a beauty. When I

'm with , whether it's her friends or her classmates, they simply can't believe she's my sister. No matter what

, I'm very good to my younger sister, very considerate. I prepare everything other girls have for her. I don't want

her to suffer because of our family's poverty; I want to give her a happy, enviable future. Since she

started dating her boyfriend in her junior year of college with my permission, I've been preparing for her future happiness. Aside from necessary expenses,

I deposit most of my money into a bank account in her name. I can't let this beautiful flower suffer because of our poor rural

family . I don't want her future to be confined to the countryside; I want her to live in a vibrant big city.

Qingqing had a beautiful, yet bittersweet, love in college. She met

a boy from her school in her junior year. He was handsome and came from a wealthy family. Qingqing wasn't with him because of his family's wealth.

His name isn't important, but he treated her very well, bringing her much joy. They were very loving and perhaps even

made promises to stay together forever. Many classmates envied them, but later…! On the

20th of last month, a day couples call a once-in-a-millennium day to say "I love you forever," they broke up peacefully,

without any complaints, only blessings...

It was on this very day that I ruined her. I did something utterly despicable, something

unforgivable, something that deserves a thousand cuts, a fate worse than death. I defiled her...

That night, she and her boyfriend spent their last dinner together, their breakup dinner. They

deleted each other's numbers, without arguing or harboring resentment. Around 9 pm, she came to my rented apartment.

The moment she saw me, she hugged me and burst into tears... her cries were so heartbreaking and earth-shattering...

I helped her to her room. As her brother, how could I bear to see her so sad and in pain? I comforted her, tried

to console her...

After a long, long time... she told me she wanted to drink, she wanted to get drunk and forget everything. That night

we drank a lot, and she kept reminiscing about the times she and he had spent together. Whenever she recalled those

vivid memories , she would gulp down her drinks, feigning calmness and composure, but I knew

she was in deep pain inside…

Around midnight, she became completely drunk, unconscious. I understood she was deliberately getting drunk to give

herself a chance to start over, hoping to forget the past when she woke up. Helplessly, I cleaned

the messy room, picked her up, laid her flat on the bed, and used a hot towel to wipe her smeared face.

It was at this moment that I, a beast, revealed my shameless and wicked claws. A devil, truly a devil, reaching out

to drunken, helpless sister. She looked beautiful and sexy today. Her deep V-neck beige chiffon

blouse revealed glimpses of her black underwear, her light blue mini-skirt hugging her hips, and her sheer skin-colored pantyhose

suddenly aroused my lust under the influence of alcohol. I knelt by the bed, caressing her stockinged legs, slowly

removing her small leather shoes. She excited me, captivated me, drove me mad, and made me lose my mind. I

became even bolder, kissing her stockinged legs and her feet. The moment my lips first touched her stockings

, I erupted, unleashing a man's impulsive desire, forgetting that she was my own sister,

the sister I deeply loved. Reason and desire, impulse and entanglement, made me recklessly lick and kiss her from her feet down to her

thighs. My trembling hands slowly pulled off her miniskirt, revealing a woman with a superb figure, encased in sexy

stockings to my already reddened eyes. Like a hungry wolf, a fierce tiger, a lustful demon, I pounced on her

body. I kissed her frantically, caressed her body, and tremblingly removed her top and underwear. At this moment, she was only

wearing skin-colored pantyhose and a small white half-lace pantyhose. I kissed her entire body again,

not missing a single inch of skin. With her sexy, full, soft breasts and pink nipples in my mouth, my hand slowly slipped inside

her panties. The moment I touched her pubic hair, I felt as if I had been electrocuted, and I couldn't wait to remove her stockings and

panties . She was lying naked on the bed, offering no resistance or shame, for she was utterly drunk

. As if drooling, I gently lifted her legs and saw everything I wanted to see:

dark pubic hair, pink labia, and a vaginal opening that seemed to be seeping fluid. Only one thought occupied my mind:

so tempting, so exciting. I buried my face in her genitals, licking for the first time a woman's vulva, and

my own sister's at that. My tongue moved incessantly, my lips constantly touching her sensitive area, as if I

were suffocating. Her genitals were glistening with moisture from my teasing, whether from my shameless saliva

or from her own arousal, I couldn't tell. My genitals were no longer satisfied; they were jealous of my lips and tongue.

Having lost my senses, I climbed onto the bed, knelt beside her genitals, and rubbed my dark purple glans against her

vulva before slowly inserting it. She twitched slightly, a few spasms of pleasure. I felt no fear or tension,

and thrust even more boldly, my hands kneading her breasts, teasing her nipples. Various

sexual , my movements quickening. My penis was hard, rubbing against the slightly warm,

moist, and smooth inner walls of her vagina. She twisted her body slightly, her slightly open mouth seeming to moan. This scene excited me, made

me unable to extricate myself, and I had to accelerate my thrusting, thrusting deeply and gently. Soon

she moaned, "Ah…," the glans clearly feeling the burning impact. She had orgasmed,

orgasmed in a daze. I collapsed onto her body, my body pressing against her breasts, my lips meeting hers. My hips

thrust rapidly, a wave of unprecedented pleasure washing over me. I knew I was about to ejaculate. I quickly

rose, kneeling beside her chest, and ejaculated my hot semen like bullets from my erect penis into her

breasts. I lay limply beside her, staring at the ceiling, my mind a jumbled mess. What was I doing?

What done? Why had I done this?…

A moment of reflection and a struggle with conscience. I was afraid. I had let her down, I had let this family down. I was the

one who had ruined her life. A spell controlled my senses. The naked body beside me aroused me once more.

Why was this happening? Why had I become like a demon? My penis was erect again. Did I really want to

have sex with my own sister again? Yes, that was what I was thinking. Desire and lust compelled me to do

it .

I rolled over and began to caress, knead, and lick her body again. I didn't miss a thing—her breasts, her armpits, her pubic hair,

her vulva groin, even her anus. I was ecstatically and wantonly enjoying her body. I

thrust my hot, erect penis into her burning vagina once more, thick, white fluid seeping out. I

began to thrust rapidly. Sometimes I pressed my body against hers, sometimes I lifted one of her beautiful legs and thrust into

her from the side, sometimes I held her tightly and thrust, sometimes I flipped her over onto the bed and thrust

into her from behind. She seemed to feel the stimulation of sex, moaning softly, her body writhing excitedly.

I was almost overwhelmed by the stimulation and thrust desperately. Once again, I pressed my body against hers, kissing

her nipples, and I noticed she was crying. I wasn't afraid or panicked. Looking into her tearful eyes,

I ejaculated, I ejaculated inside her, I actually ejaculated inside my own sister! I rolled over and lay beside her, panting

. She turned to lie on her side, her back to me, her legs hooked together, her body curled up in a ball, her hands tightly

clutching her legs. I knew she already knew who she had just slept with…

At that moment, I was confused, terrified, and at a loss. I even considered suicide. She cried out, so

heartbreakingly …

“I’m sorry,” I said fearfully to the ceiling. She didn’t speak, just kept crying, her hands

gripping the sheets tightly, pounding on the bed frame. Suddenly, she sat up, her back to me, looking out the window,

tears streaming down her face. She stood up, swaying, and leaned against the wall towards the bathroom by the door. The sound

of running water accompanied her helpless, sorrowful sobs. I got up, lit a cigarette, and stared

towards , unsure how to face what was to come. The water was still running, and she was still crying…

After a long while, she emerged naked, not even glancing at me. She went to the bed, pulled up the covers,

and wrapped herself up tightly, burying her head in the blankets. I turned back to look at her in the blankets and said remorsefully, “Qing

… I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She still didn’t speak.

I spread a blanket on the floor, turned off the light, lay down, my mind blank, restless…

I don't know when I fell asleep that night. To be able to sleep peacefully after doing something like that

is animalistic. In the morning, after washing up, I went to her bedside and gently patted her while she was still sleeping, whispering, "Qing

… I'm going to work. Wait for me at home." She didn't speak, turned over, and faced away from me.

At work, I asked my supervisor for leave and rushed home. Upon entering, I found the room neatly tidy.

She was gone. On my laptop on the table was a note: "Brother, I'm leaving. Don't blame

me for leaving without saying goodbye. This is the darkest day of my life, a day of profound sorrow. I'm fine, I won't

blame you. I think this is a hurdle I had to overcome in my life. Thank you for

everything you've done for this family and for me all these years. I think I've forgotten everything; let's just treat it as a nightmare."

Holding this tear-stained piece of white paper, I could sense the circumstances under which she wrote those words.

After reading those few short sentences, I felt guilty. I felt terrible. I worried about her, I was afraid of the

unpredictable consequences. I quickly dialed her number, but it was switched off. I was terrified, more

terrified than ever before. I searched everywhere for her—at her school, at her internship, her classmates and friends—

but to no avail … In the following days, I barely slept or rested, afraid to make a sound. I kept

searching for her, terrified that something had happened to her…

Around 11 PM on May 24th, I received a message that her phone was on, so I called her.

She answered but didn't say anything. I was anxiously waiting to know where she was… She remained silent

… I kept talking to her, just wanting to know if she was alright and where she was. After a long while, she

told me she was in the stairwell outside my building, and I told her to wait for me there. A few seconds later, I arrived at her

side. The moment I saw her, I went crazy, I almost went crazy. She had been drinking, and

was leaning the stair railing. She was wearing a black, tight-fitting, sleeveless, deep V-neck mini dress, even the chest area… Her cleavage

was clearly visible, and her skirt was so short you could see her crotch. What shocked me even more was that she was wearing fishnet

stockings and no underwear, plus her wavy, voluminous hair and heavy makeup—she looked

no different from a prostitute. Shocked and flustered, I pulled her into the room and closed the door. I slapped her

, and she seemed to sober up a bit, looking at me and saying, "Why did you hit me? You just want to have sex with me, right?

Come on then!" She then pulled up her short dress, revealing her fishnet stockings

and her bare genitals. To my surprise, she had no pubic hair. I was really angry...

What turned her into this? Was it self-harm or despair? I blamed myself. It was all my fault. I

ruined her like this.

She started talking to herself, saying, "Don't you like me? This is who I am. This is what I wear to

nightclubs at night, and this is how the boss sends me here." She laughed, then added, "Is

n't it strange that my pubic hair is gone? Let me tell you, the bosses shaved it off at the nightclub last night. I was so happy,

so happy, so happy!"

After hearing her words, I slapped her again, knocking her onto the bed. She didn't resist,

lying there naked, staring at the ceiling, tears streaming down her face.

She cried, "Brother, do you know, I'm a slut now, a prostitute, a prostitute!"

She cried loudly, her sobs filled with sorrow, then trembled as she said, "Do you know, last night I

had sex with six men, in the private room, they took turns having sex with me!" "Ah..." She cried

out , her hands gripping the sheets tightly...

I knelt by the bed, filled with regret and self-reproach, then lay on the floor, slapping myself hard and

sobbing . "Why? Why? What have I done?"

Our cries echoed in the room...

She lay on the bed, sobbing hoarsely, "Brother, do you know? I even thought about suicide that day. I

was hurt by two men in one day, one was my first love, and the other was my older brother. They hurt

me twice in one day.

" I slapped myself hard, crying, "Brother, I'm so sorry, so sorry."

She cried, "I'm beyond saving, let me die."

I got up and hugged her, saying, "No, don't say anymore, brother, I'm sorry, it's me who should die, it's me."

I slapped myself countless times. I knew I couldn't undo the unforgivable incestuous

act I committed against her, which twisted her life. She cried loudly, tears streaming down her face, her trembling hands stroking my

reddened cheeks. She sobbed, calling out, "Brother... Brother..." We hugged and cried... She wiped away my

tears of regret; I couldn't forgive myself.

She pushed me away, sobbing, staring intently at me, saying, "Do you know, from yesterday to today, I've

had sex with ten men. I don't know why I did this. I've gone crazy. I'm not a normal

woman ."

"Don't say it, don't say it," I cried, clinging to her tightly again for a long time

... For some reason, she took off her tight-fitting short dress in

front of me, standing naked in black fishnet stockings, staring intently at me, saying, "I feel very uncomfortable down there. I don't know if I

'm sick. I'm scared, really scared."

I slowly removed her fishnet stockings, gently touching her shaved pubic area. The shaving wasn't

neat; it was sparse and prickly. Her labia were slightly everted, and her vagina was swollen—clearly

the result of group sex. My heart didn't shed tears, it bled. I carried her to the bathroom and sat her on the stool in the shower stall.

She stopped crying and just sat there blankly. I took off my t-shirt and jeans, leaving only my underwear, and stood behind her, helping

her wash and rinse off everything, washing her over and over again.

After a long time, I carried her back to the room and laid her flat on the edge of the bed, reaching out to stroke her

pubic . She turned her head away from me, her legs spread apart on the bed, and said, "Help me clean myself up, I feel uncomfortable,

it hurts." I knew the shaving hair was pricking her genitals, so I got shaving foam and a razor, gently applying it and carefully shaving her pubic area, meticulously shaving every inch. After about ten minutes, there wasn't a single pubic hair left,

her genitals smooth and delicate. 　　She lay down in bed, on her side, and I didn't know what would happen next. I got up and quickly washed myself, then lay down beside her, keeping my distance from the headboard… After a long while… she slowly turned around, pressed her body against mine, and whispered, “Brother, let’s make love.” 　　My God, why? What was she doing this for? Why was she doing this…? 　　I couldn’t understand her behavior. A heavy sense of guilt weighed on me, making it hard to breathe. My mind was a mess. While I was still in a daze , she bent down, her mouth already on my glans, her small hands skillfully stroking my penis , her tongue exploring and kissing my glans. Her eyes were closed, as if she were completely absorbed. I thought she must , why was she doing this? I started to enjoy this teasing from my initial panic, but I felt an even heavier sense of guilt! 　　From kissing my genitals, she slowly licked my nipples, then slowly climbed onto my body and kissed me . She was completely absorbed, without any hesitation or escape. My hands involuntarily embraced her body, and we became entwined. After a long while, she lay down beside me, slowly parting her legs. I kissed her body, kissing her little by little, lingering on her hairless, pink vulva and beginning to lick it. My tongue explored her labia and clitoris, slowly licking the edges of her vagina. She moaned, enjoying it, her vagina secreting a trickle of lubrication. After a long while, she grasped my penis, slowly sat on it, and gently inserted the entire length into her swollen, warm vagina, twisting her body up and down. I stared intently at her heaving breasts and reached out to touch them. Her movements became faster and faster, and within two minutes she climaxed, letting out a long groan, "Ah..." She collapsed onto my body, breathing rapidly. After a moment, I forgot the painful struggle and self-reproach I had just experienced. I laid her flat on the bed, pressing down on her body, and continued thrusting into her lustful vulva after . Gradually, I increased the frequency of my thrusts, and she closed her eyes and moaned. I was overwhelmed with excitement by her wanton moans, and I grabbed her slender waist, my mouth on her toes as I thrust wildly. After a few minutes, I couldn't control myself and ejaculated inside her. At the moment of my ejaculation, she also climaxed , her vagina gripping my penis tightly, causing me to ejaculate wildly. She slowly pushed me away, lying on her side without saying a word. Throughout the entire act of lovemaking, she only moaned softly, without uttering a single word. Much later, I lay on top of her again, making love to her once more. This time, it lasted a very long time, and she climaxed repeatedly… 　　After a long while, she leaned on my arm and said, "Last night I made love with two men in a private room, and it was over..."

"They took me to a hotel, and I had sex with them again. After they left, two of their friends came,

and I had sex with them too," she cried helplessly, tears streaming down her face. Then she said, "Brother, please save me. I

don't want to live like this."

I told her, "It's all over. Let's pull ourselves together and forget all of this, forget everything."

That night, we made love four times, finally falling asleep around 4 a.m.

The next day, I woke up around noon. She was sitting naked in front of the computer watching a silent movie. When she saw me

wake up , she turned around and smiled gently and sweetly at me. She was so pure and charming...

I carried her back to bed, and she immediately pulled me down onto her and kissed me. We kissed

for a long time. She shyly said, "This is our secret. We'll keep it deep in our hearts. I don't care about incest

or moral boundaries. I love you, brother."

At that moment, I no longer cared about the moral condemnation of incest and kissed her again...

I don't know why, but that kiss had an indescribable feeling. Was it brotherly love or romantic feelings?

We transcended the kinship and ambiguity between siblings. It was me, I turned her into this, I made her destroy

her body. I swore to her, "Qing, I owe you this for the rest of my life. I will protect you and make it up to you for the rest of my life

. Forgive my impulsiveness and injustice. We must love ourselves. We must go back to the past." "

Qing," she looked at me with her lovely, charming, and confident eyes and said, "Yes."

Let's go back to a normal life as siblings. I will spend my whole life making up for the debt of conscience I have committed

...

After that night of passionate lovemaking with her, we didn't seek pleasure again. Although my sister and I are living

together , eating and bathing together, sleeping in the same bed, sometimes embracing naked,

sometimes caressing her stockinged legs, and going out shopping and socially intimately, we haven't

had sexual relations. But I don't know how long this relationship will last, or how far it will go.

Every day I'm constantly tormented by moral and ethical dilemmas. I'm tired; I don't want to continue like this. I've

told her before that we should live together as before. But my sister seems reluctant; she

doesn't want to leave me. Maybe she's been hurt and needs my protection and care. They say karma will eventually

come back to bite me, and I believe karma will eventually manifest in my life. Yesterday, my sister and I had just stepped out of our community gate when a

speeding electric scooter almost hit her. I instinctively pulled her away, and the scooter hit my

buttocks. I was fine, but I was more worried about my sister's injury. Luckily, she was just frightened. Perhaps this is

the beginning of retribution. I only hope that I will bear all the consequences; she is innocent…

June 20, 2013

, Zhu Qingyan, a person burdened with a debt of moral and ethical conscience.

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