The Cycle of Desire

page views:1 Publication date:2022-09-29

I opened my eyes in a daze, seeing a small, blurry white shadow—probably semen. My face felt sticky, as if I'd been ejaculated on multiple times.

My body ached terribly, my inner thighs hurt terribly, and my vaginal opening was tight and painful, but the orgasm had just passed, and it felt like it was about to surge again. "Stop, stop," I told myself. But a voice deep within my soul seemed to tempt me: "Just one more time, just one more time."

If the intervals between orgasms could be longer, even just a little bit longer, I probably could stop.

Even if they wanted to continue, at least I wouldn't have to question myself about why I was so abusing myself, why I was so passive. But no, I really wanted more, wanted to keep going until I couldn't anymore.

Why, since when, has this become the greatest meaning of my existence?

Forget it, this is the last time. Don't do this again. In any case, I've finally escaped Li Ji's clutches. Two days ago, I threw the things he used to blackmail me into the fishpond in Heijia Village. Watching the computer and hard drive, bound with stones, sink to the bottom of the pond, I felt a sudden sense of liberation, and the sadness of losing Baiheng lessened considerably.

But why did I still set up this scheme to get back at him? Was it insecurity or revenge? I don't even know myself. Maybe it was just to regain some dignity. He once liked me, and it wasn't that I wasn't moved either, but I simply couldn't bring myself to have "love" for someone I didn't admire enough.

Making love with someone might be easy. But falling in love with someone is difficult.

Especially for a woman like me, a woman entangled in desire, a woman who isn't free.

If I didn't truly like someone, how could I dare to approach him?

Now, I already regret it. Baiheng hasn't said a word to me these past few days. How could he possibly understand? He's so oblivious to love, how could he possibly comprehend such a complex emotion? I chose the wrong person; I can't blame him.

Ah, these thoughts only flashed for a moment before being interrupted by a new climax. A man entered my body from behind, and the instant our two penises clashed inside each other, my mind went into a tsunami of chaos. The tension felt like a net, tightly binding me to the stranger in front of me. The strong, unpleasant smell of his cigarette emanated from him, yet I couldn't suppress the urge to press myself against his skin. My fingers gripped his shoulders tightly, and the rhythmic thrusting of our genitals made my lower body feel like it was on fire again—not my own, but a wildfire scorching my body, driving me to the brink of madness. I

knew I was screaming, though my voice sounded distant. I knew I was screaming because I couldn't control my voice, nor could I control the urge it masked. My throat was dry and sore, but I didn't want to stop. All I could think of was a little water or even just a drop of semen. Just then, I caught a glimpse of his glans, and gently turned my head to take it into my mouth. I didn't have the strength to move, but I desperately wanted to lick it. The feeling of my mouth being filled made me feel as if all the gaps in my body had been filled. It was as if I were a boat, needing no leaks, or I would sink to the bottom of the sea.

When did this feeling of "incompleteness" begin? Why am I so dependent? All the gaps in my body are being filled—this isn't normal; they weren't evolved to do this. But why am I so happy? Is it really some kind of destiny?

Actually, Li Ji is the one who brings me this kind of happiness. After starting university, I've always been repressed. I

set all sorts of rules for myself, then spent each month masturbating daily, ending with one imperfect indulgence. My morality has collapsed, but my body isn't fully satisfied. He tore apart my self-esteem. In the first few months, I really didn't have any other thoughts; I could enjoy myself. But why doesn't he know how to be satisfied? Why can someone like me be satisfied, but he can't? Why does he have to destroy me completely before he's satisfied? Why does he force me to this point?

Maybe, maybe the problem is with me. I don't deserve happiness. I don't even deserve sex. I'm just a mistake by God, thrown into the human world without being cleansed, so I can only continue to sink, yet I can't find peace. My body is heading straight for hell, but my soul can't forgive itself. Why, why can't I be a completely evil person? Like they like to say, I'd even be a bitch, just don't let my heart suffer.

Ahh, they're speeding up. Like two engines working together, squeezing my body. I feel like a fruit thrown into a juicer, instantly pulverized, turning into juice, then spinning, spinning, the urge to urinate is like a volcano about to erupt, I desperately want to pee. But I can't, I can't urinate on my own. I can only hope the orgasm comes quickly, maybe it can take away some of the liquid and make me feel better. I grab the man's buttocks in front of me, as if pulling a lever, and try my best to push my lower body towards their penises. My movements seem to elicit a cheer, but it doesn't mean me any encouragement. I'm just in my own world of lust.

It's coming. I can feel my insides vibrating involuntarily, and then the rods inside me are getting hotter and hotter, as if they're melting my body. The urge burst forth like a chick hatching from its shell, pecking at it once, twice, three times until it finally emerged. My lower body felt like it had exploded; a surge of magma-like pleasure rushed to my head, as if all my blood had been pumped to my head. A warm sensation followed, descending to the area near my vaginal opening. The energy accumulated in my body flowed away like a dam releasing its floodwaters, carrying my soul away as if it had been swept away a thousand miles in an instant. My vision went completely dark, leaving only a dazzling kaleidoscope of colors. Ah, so good, so good, so incredibly good! In that instant, I wanted to die, to never wake up again, to just die like this.

Ah, where am I? It feels like I'm underwater. Very, very deep. I looked up, and there seemed to be a shimmering light above me. A huge shadow gradually descended, like the corpse of a large fish, or perhaps a boat. I tried to figure out what it was, but suddenly I felt like I was on fire, my body trembling involuntarily. Then, as if a rope had been tied around my neck, I was suddenly hoisted up and pulled towards the water. Ahhh! I woke up with a start, only to find myself still in that small room. A bunch of men surrounded me, long and short penises in front of me, the stench of sex filling the air. Damp skin clung tightly to me, my lower body still twitching, enveloping another man's penis. Who was this? Had he done it with me before?

He grinned: "Little bitch, you woke up? I thought you fucked me to death?"

"Ugh, I think I really did die," I stammered, somewhat dazed.

"Haha, you just peed, you know? You peed the whole bed. This is the first time I've ever seen a woman peed on while being fucked." "

Ah, I peed. Come to think of it, I don't feel the urge anymore. I reached down and touched myself; it was cool and completely soaked. Ah, so shameful, so embarrassing. I covered my face, feeling like I was going to break down.

Do I love him? I don't know. It shouldn't be love. My feelings for him are very vague. I only know that he seems very thoughtful, sometimes saying things that others can't. He's very knowledgeable, with his own unique interpretations of many things. And he's very independent, not interacting much with others. Perhaps, in him, she saw another version of herself—lonely, different, with hidden passion—but this is mostly hypothetical. He's just a possibility, a possibility she's unwilling to give up.

No one can truly throw caution to the wind; everyone leaves themselves a way out. Even if that way out doesn't actually exist."

Ge Fei recently broke up with his girlfriend. He contacted me and told me about it. His girlfriend betrayed him, seemingly only using him as a way to end the relationship. When she found someone new, she cruelly broke up with him. He made it sound simple, but for some reason, illogically, I thought of myself. I thought of myself as someone who was betrayed, abandoned, and used as a tool. Maybe we have something in common, but that's just hypothetical.

The reason I don't accept him might simply be because I'm afraid to get close. Those who once claimed to like me turned out to be even more despicable and cowardly than those men who used me as a sex object. When they hurt me, they hurt not only my body but also my soul. So why should I approach and pursue a kind of pleasure that I can't understand? That kind of thing might not even exist.

Stop thinking about him, just make love. This is the last hurrah before the postgraduate entrance exam. Besides, nobody here knows me, and I've even given them benefits, so they shouldn't cheat me, right? Although I'm still a little scared, afraid that they might suddenly decide to kill me or kidnap me. But then I thought, it doesn't matter. What difference does it make if I live? Dying of pleasure isn't necessarily a bad thing. At least death is always the way out for those special people. Geniuses are always crazy. Everyone has different talents; some are useful, some are not. I'm probably a genius at enjoying orgasms. This talent is useless, but if it's destined to make me tragic, I can only accept it. I closed my eyes, continuing to feel the penis thrusting deep into my vagina, silently calling for the next orgasm. I don't know how long I did this. My mind finally became sluggish, and I thought of fewer and fewer things. Waves of impact made my body completely limp. In a state between reality and illusion, I once again experienced a burst of pleasure, like fireworks exploding inside my body, my fluids enveloping me like spring flowers blooming.

When I woke up, I found myself in a hospital. It seemed everyone noticed I wasn't feeling well, so they took me to the town hospital for an IV drip. There were only two people in the ward: Hu Ge, He Jiu, and me. Hu Ge was a really nice person.

He Jiu said he had been involved in a murder case, but that was all in the past. He was just a businessman now, occasionally cheating to earn some extra money. They all looked exhausted; the past day had probably worn them out. When He Jiu saw I was awake, he said he had to leave in a hurry, probably to pay some bills. Brother Hu smiled and looked at me: "Little sister, you're pretty amazing. Why don't you take care of yourself? You're clearly not feeling well, yet you keep letting these guys mess with you. Don't you know these idiots have hardly ever been with a woman? They went crazy when they saw you. They couldn't stop them, and you still dared to cheer them on?"

I didn't know how to answer. Suddenly, my nose felt a little sore, but I didn't want to cry in front of him. I could only say coldly, "That's just the kind of person I am."

He probably didn't know how to respond either: "Hey, if you feel better, I'll take you home after the IV drip is finished."

I nodded, trying to sit up, but found my whole body ached and I couldn't move at all. He sighed and said, "Don't force yourself if you can't."

It was indeed quite difficult, but I still had to go. Everyone was going back to school today, and the teacher would worry if I fell behind.

I forced myself to get up, and suddenly felt a strong urge to urinate. But I could barely get out of bed, so I could only awkwardly beg Brother Hu, "Could you help me to the toilet?"

Brother Hu smiled and held out his hand, "Let's go, don't be shy." Even with his help, moving was still very difficult. Every step felt like torture; all my bones were cracking, and my groin was throbbing with pain. My lower body also felt swollen, and the friction from my underwear was sticky and painful. Brother Hu sighed, "Although I participated, this is really going too far. Next time—"

I interrupted him, "Brother, don't say anymore, I know. I just wanted to get rid of that person, that's why I did this."

"It was me, I wanted it too much," he said, a little embarrassed. "You are indeed beautiful, you understand, we honest guys, haven't seen much of the world, sometimes when we see a woman, we... our brains go crazy."

I didn't respond, gesturing to the door, and slowly made my way into the toilet, supporting myself against the wall. Squatting down was difficult, like folding myself up. I couldn't help but wish there was a toilet seat, but unfortunately, there were only squat toilets. As soon as I squatted down, I couldn't help but urinate. That instant felt like being burned, my entire lower body was burning with pain. I looked down and saw that what came out was almost entirely a thin, yellowish-white paste, with a little bit of blood in it. I felt a little wronged, feeling that I had ruined my body like this. A worry suddenly arose: "Will I be able to use the toilet normally in the future?" and then tears streamed down my face uncontrollably.

This was the last time I would party, the very last time. I tried to think about my past self, my middle school self. I wasn't born this way. Maybe, just maybe isolating myself in a place without men would be better. When I get back, I'll rent a place to live by myself, not see anyone, and focus on preparing for the exams.

After using the restroom, Brother Hu took me to a hotel to take a shower. I tried my best to clean my genitals, but it hurt too much to scrub properly, so some dried semen remained. But it didn't matter. I tidied myself up and then went back to school. Before leaving, Brother Hu tried to give me a thousand yuan: "Little sister, I still feel a little bad about you. I went too far before, this little bit of money..."

I tried my best to refuse, because I really didn't want the money: "I can't take this money. We haven't owed each other anything. I chose to be the way I am now. Besides, you actually helped me, you helped me get rid of a bad guy, how can I take money? That's like prostitution!"

Brother Hu still tried to refuse: "How can it be like prostitution? This is just a token, just think of it as friends."

However, after repeated refusals, I finally didn't take it. Brother Hu had no choice but to put the money away and find a car in town to take me to Heijia Village. As I got off the car, he said, "Little sister, if anyone bullies you again, call me, I'll take care of them for you. Anyway, I'm in this state, I'm willing to risk my life. To be honest, being able to sleep with you, to have sex with you once, I feel like I've gotten my money's worth."

Hearing him say "sex," I really wanted to laugh. It was obvious he was trying to find the right words, but he couldn't even bring himself to say "make love," only managing to say "fuck," as if he were insulting me. He was just a greasy, vulgar middle-aged man, and even his actions weren't exactly respectable, but at that moment, I actually felt a tiny bit of affection for him. Was this some kind of irony towards Niu Zihao, Wang Song, Gu Hongjun, and Li Ji—people who once claimed to like me and care for me, yet gradually pushed me into a cold abyss? It was this man, so close to the bottom of society, who gave me a sliver of warmth.

But in the end, I didn't even get his phone number. I knew he was destined to become just a symbol, disappearing from the life I had decided to sever ties with. I believed his warmth was only for a moment; once we got to know each other better, his sleazy nature would inevitably be exposed—it's just a relative concept.

On the bus back, Bai Heng and Li Ji acted like strangers, not even glancing at me. I didn't feel heartache; even if there was, the countless orgasms of yesterday had washed it away. Sure enough, the so-called attraction was just a fleeting illusion. Bai Heng's disdain for me, even out of the corner of

his eye, made me feel fortunate. If I had actually been with him, who could say he wouldn't be the next Li Ji? Indeed, after returning to school, Bai Heng went around spreading rumors that I wasn't a good woman, calling me a "public bus." Unfortunately, he was already unpopular, and nobody paid him any attention. I don't know how much harm I caused him, whether I truly turned a good person into a bad one. Maybe I did, but I really don't feel guilty.

Back in Haishan, I didn't linger at school for long; I used my teaching stipend to register for a house. On the day I moved in, I carried everything by myself all day, sweating profusely. When I finally finished, I sat on the edge of the bed, watching the sunset outside the window, and suddenly felt very relaxed.

The sunset was blood-red, vibrant yet not blinding. There are many kinds of dazzling experiences during a climax, but none can compare to the brilliance, yet the tranquility, brought by this beautiful scene before me. It was completely different. I encouraged myself: So what if I'm a slut or a whore? I'm still excellent. I live for myself, constantly reminding myself that I'm an independent person—that's enough. If someone like Li Ji tries to blackmail me again, I will never compromise, never let my time be manipulated by others. Even if my body is a wild horse, it must always be tethered.

Just then, my phone rang.

I picked it up and saw it was a text from Ge Fei. He often texted me after our breakup, but I tried my best not to reply. I felt I was cold enough, but he didn't seem discouraged. He didn't pester me for an answer like other guys who pursued me. When I was cold, he would quietly walk away, then send a greeting after a while.

"Have you finished moving?"

"How did you know?"

"Didn't you say you'd move when school started?"

"Oh."

"You're going to take the postgraduate entrance exam next, right?"

"Yeah."

"You're so good, no problem."

"Yeah, I'm going to study now."

"Okay, good luck. You can chat with me anytime, we're good friends, right?"

I put down my phone. The little bit of confidence I had just built up vanished. I spaced out for a moment, and then tears started streaming down my face. Why do you always bother me? Why do you always make me have expectations for the world? Can't I just be myself?

I hugged my pillow, crying, with only the crimson sunset filling the room. Just me, me and Hong.

But he's so annoying. I finally calmed down again. But then he texted again: "Hmm, it's nothing, you don't need to rush to reply." I just meant, you can come to Beijing for your postgraduate entrance exam, there are many schools here that are suitable for you. That way we can see each other more often.

How am I supposed to reply? He told me I was afraid to see him, afraid I wouldn't be able to control myself and would have sex with someone else and be found out. He said he was actually afraid our lives would ever intersect again. He said he felt it was fine to just be friends on the other end of the line, and that we shouldn't see each other again. I couldn't say it; I was afraid of losing him. The kind of complete loss.

Even if he was just an illusion, it would be better to keep

him. In the end, I didn't reply. I kept that message, like a zombie.

For the next six months, I tried hard to suppress my sexual desires, locking myself in this room to prepare for the postgraduate entrance exam. I have to say, my instinct for studying was still there; I could still get into the zone when I was focused. But whenever I relaxed, or when I went out to buy groceries, I couldn't help but feel aroused. Even when I saw the vegetable vendor, I couldn't help but imagine making love with him in the pickup truck behind me, and by the time I finished buying the groceries, I was soaking wet. After returning to the house, I would rush back inside like I was late for an exam, and then stuff eggplants and cucumbers into my genitals. After a painless, mild ejaculation, I would fall into guilt and even more desire.

Occasionally, I would chat with Ge Fei. After talking, I felt a little better, but my desires weren't relieved. I would imagine having sex with him, but it always felt like masturbation. Only by imagining those men who had cruelly penetrated me inside me could I achieve a decent orgasm.

After three months without sex, my pain reached its peak. I would even go to the train station to smell the men in the crowd for a more comfortable masturbation session, and then go to a public restroom to masturbate. On the way back to my dorm in a taxi, I couldn't help but move closer to the driver and gently stroke my stockings. It was a subconscious seduction, but unfortunately, no one paid attention. I believe they saw it, but they were hesitant because it was broad daylight. I knew I was already at my breaking point, and I would definitely give in if someone pounced on me. But thankfully, fate didn't give me that chance. After enduring three months, I seemed to have found a way to comfort myself. I saved enough money to buy two electric dildos. When I was desperate, I would insert both dildos into myself and frantically stroke my clitoris to achieve an orgasm. I still tried to avoid seeing men as much as possible. Apart from chatting with Ge Fei, I almost cut off all contact with the world, as if imprisoning myself, hoping that this self-exile would work. However, a month before the exam, I encountered another bottleneck. My study efficiency decreased. After feeling irritable, my libido became increasingly overwhelming.

I searched online for ways to adjust my state. Most of them were completely ineffective, the only one that worked relatively well was exercise. I started going for runs at night. The strong winds of northern winters could make me more alert, and seemed to blow away a lot of negative emotions. After this boost, I could regain some focus. To make myself feel a little cold, I even deliberately wore less clothing. I wore a thicker sportswear top and only summer sports pants on my lower body, leaving my thighs exposed. This way, I wouldn't catch a cold and could stay alert.

This was barely effective, and after persisting for two weeks, I felt a little better.

One day in mid-November, I went for a night run again. This time, I chose a new route, running around the back of the residential area, which passed through a small, quiet park. Occasionally, I'd see a few couples in the park, but I tried not to think about what they might "do" later, focusing instead on running.

When I reached the edge of an artificial river, a dark figure suddenly flashed past me. A sense of foreboding washed over me, but before I could react, someone grabbed me tightly from behind, covering my mouth with one hand and holding a knife to my neck with the other. Panicked, I frantically pulled out my money—I had very little cash on me—and tremblingly held it out to him. He ignored me, dragging me straight into the nearby woods. I instinctively struggled a few times, but as he began threatening me and pulling down my pants, I shamefully became wet. He seemed to notice, releasing his grip on my neck, spreading my legs, and thrusting into me: "You really picked the right person, not resisting at all, right? You're so horny, hehe, so warm."

The moment he penetrated me, I felt dizzy and almost climaxed. In the freezing cold, my entire lower body was exposed to the wind, only the part in contact with the man felt warm, while inside my vagina was a ball of fire, as if this flame was the only source of warmth for my whole body. He was very rough, pressing my legs directly to my chest, his sneakers even reaching over my head, and then tearing open my shirt while thrusting in and out. He slammed his weight onto my body as if venting his anger, and I could even feel my breasts being flattened and squeezed open, as if my bones were about to break, a feeling of suffocation washing over me. But none of this affected the sensation of his penis directly penetrating my vagina. He thrust wildly inside, completely without any rhythm, but months of abstinence had made every crevice inside me unbearably hungry. I kept reminding myself that this was rape, this was rape, but my body involuntarily responded to his movements.

Although I couldn't find his rhythm at all, the feeling of our lower bodies colliding accelerated still stimulated my clitoris, sending warm currents surging to my head. I gritted my teeth, trying my best not to make a sound, but I still couldn't suppress the weak moans escaping my nose. The man was extremely excited, tearing open my bra, pinching my breasts, squeezing them hard like a hand gripper, causing me great pain.

He thrust faster and faster, and I desperately wanted him to slow down, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. His penis wasn't large, not reaching my cervix, but it was quite thick. I could feel the mucous membrane of my vagina being pulled outwards again and again, then pushed deeper and deeper into my body. Every time he thrust in, I felt a strange, indescribable pleasure. This was probably the special sensation brought about by long-term abstinence. Although his penis wasn't large, it felt as if it filled my body invisibly. My lower body was leaking fluids wildly, turning the sounds of thrusting into a watery, gurgling sound like hot soup. I think if there were people around, they would have heard it. This was no longer incest, because of my cowardice, it had become a quick, humiliating act of intercourse. Finally, I felt there was no point in enduring it, and I opened my mouth and released a moan. I climbed my legs onto his waist, trying to warm my whole body. My lewd actions seemed to restore his long-lost confidence. He slapped me lightly while cursing, "You filthy bitch, are you happy to be fucked?"

I didn't answer, so he increased the force, slapping me hard. I could only plead with him pitifully, "Happy, baby is so happy."

He seemed stimulated by my words, his penis suddenly growing even larger, and his thrusting speed increased. I felt he was about to ejaculate, silently urging myself to climax quickly while begging him to slow down.

I grabbed his shoulders and pounded on him, "Don't ejaculate, don't ejaculate, please!"

But it was no use. He only lasted another minute before ejaculating heavily. I was regretting that I hadn't climaxed yet when I didn't expect the amount he ejaculated to be so enormous. The semen poured heavily onto my clitoris, so hot that my lower body automatically contracted like a startled little animal, tightly gripping his still-erect penis. It kept wriggling spontaneously, like a toothless mouth, biting and sucking at the man's penis, squeezing out all the remaining semen from his urethra. Finally, he pulled out, panting, and cursed as he pulled up his pants, "Damn, I'm freezing! But lucky you, you're a fucking slut."

He pulled up his pants, spat on me, and said, "Slut." Then he turned and left. I wasn't fully recovered. Lying on the ground, my breath condensed into mist, filling my vision before slowly dissipating. Soon, the residual body heat disappeared, and my exposed skin began to feel cold. I slowly got up, supporting myself on the ground. As I stood up, I felt the semen flowing down my vagina in a very noticeable volume. I spread my legs and let it flow onto the ground. So much, so much. He must have been accumulating it for a long time. Looking at the flowing white liquid, shimmering with a dim light in the night, I felt a pang of regret.

I have to admit, my months of control over my desires was completely shattered by this uninvited guest.

I wished there were a few more people around, who could take turns entering me, warming me, and bringing me to orgasm. But no, an unexpected sense of loss beyond shame overwhelmed my thoughts, making it impossible for me to deny.

I started walking home, the deep shame of my own lewdness bringing tears to my eyes, yet my body burned like embers, the imagined violation constantly assaulting me. I began to admit that I couldn't escape this cycle of desire. No matter how hard I tried, my body would always pull me back into the abyss.

The men I'd been with, no matter how despicable, were not the root cause of my downfall; my downfall was entirely my own doing. Even if I cleared away all distractions, as I am now, this fragile self-esteem was so easily torn apart by an unknown nobody. I silently murmured Ge Fei's name, pleading in my heart: "Ge Fei, Ge Fei, if only you could accept me like this, then I would love you unconditionally, love you with everything I have, even die for you."

After all, you were the only one left in my life I could look forward to. I knew how pale this expectation was, without any evidence, mostly based on my fantasies and guesses. But besides this blind expectation, did I have any other rights?

I walked past a row of houses next to the residential area, where several hair salons had their red lights flashing. I looked up, and for a fleeting moment, I even considered selling myself there. I wouldn't earn money; I'd provide free services, so it wouldn't be a loss of dignity, right? But I quickly suppressed this pathetic thought. I couldn't become a prostitute like this. Even if my actions were worse than a prostitute's, I couldn't. I had to hold onto this bottom line.

Just as I thought this, a voice echoed in my mind: "Haven't you already sold yourself?

You sold yourself to gain the support of those men in Heijia Village. You used your body to get them to conspire against Li Ji, gaining the power to fight back. Isn't that also a form of selling yourself?

You got a 200,000 yuan IOU. Isn't that a 200,000 yuan prostitution transaction?"

Thinking this, I stopped.

Perhaps I had already embarked on a path of no return.

I stood at the entrance of the hair salon for a few minutes. I hesitated, wondering whether to go in.

If I went in, with my appearance, probably no one would refuse me.

Just then, a figure pulled me away from that dangerous place. Looking back, he might have saved me. Although it was just a meaningless coincidence, if he hadn't appeared, I definitely would have gone in.

I would have let those men who were only willing to paint for a few dozen yuan lay on me and seduce me, and I might have even lived there for a long time, perhaps giving up any other form of effort.

But he walked past, an incredibly decadent, hunched figure, his hair disheveled and dirty, wearing a tattered coat, dragging a snakeskin bag, walking through the dark street. He must have been a homeless man, or a scavenger. Whoever he was, I never learned his name.

In any case, when I saw him, I instinctively followed him, cautiously. I was like a newborn chick, seeing a figure and taking it as its mother, following behind. It seemed to be following instinct, not reason.

He turned into a small alley, and I followed him in, watching him disappear into an abandoned house. I only hesitated for a moment. By hesitation, I mean I didn't think about anything. If I were to think about it, it would probably just be thinking that he was someone who couldn't possibly blackmail me. He might kill me, but he probably wouldn't blackmail me. Let him kill me then; dying without dignity is better than living without dignity.

I walked into that dilapidated house. In the moonlight, my shadow stretched right in front of him. His dark face looked surprised, wondering what I was going to do. I didn't make him rack his brains; I gently pulled down my pants, exposing my still-wet genitals, and slowly walked towards him.

He opened his mouth wide, groaning but unable to speak. Only when I brought my genitals close to his face did he start gesturing with his hands. Oh, so he was mute. How could I understand what he was gesturing? At that moment, I was extremely domineering, stepping over him and pressing my genitals tightly against his face, rubbing them together. His breath, exhaled in tension, sprayed onto my labia, warming my body with an irregular rhythm. I thought, such a blatant display—no man could remain unmoved.

Sure enough, although he was mute, he wasn't stupid. He reached out his rough hands and began to stroke my legs. I could clearly feel him trembling. Actually, I was trembling too. We were both very nervous and cold. But wasn't this just right, warming each other with our body heat? I won't ask who you are, and please don't ask.

I grabbed his hands, then knelt in front of him, placing his hands on my breasts and letting him caress them.

He still didn't dare look at me, only focusing his gaze on my chest, then mechanically kneading it. I smiled and said to him, "Uncle, do you want to have sex with me?"

He paused for a moment, then began to nod like a chicken pecking at rice.

I actually seduced a man like this, so blatantly, so shamelessly. But at this moment, I really didn't care anymore. I felt his genitals through his cotton pants; it was a large outline. In an instant, I felt a surge of excitement. The pleasure of being penetrated by a huge penis was already surging in my mind. I was practically raping him, tearing open the drawstring of his cotton pants, pulling out his penis, and lowering my head to lick it. It

smelled so bad; he hadn't showered in who knows how long, and a foul stench emanated from his genitals, but I wasn't so averse to it. However, this smell was definitely different; it was a strong salty taste. I moistened it slightly with my saliva, and then, thinking it might be too dirty, I gently peeled away some of the smegma around the glans with my fingers. He was a little hurt by my actions and trembled slightly.

"Did I hurt you? I'm sorry," I said, genuinely apologetic. I actually felt I shouldn't have been disgusted by him. Since I had chosen him, what did it matter if he had lice? I held my breath, took his glans into my mouth, and gave him oral sex with all my might. He probably had never experienced this kind of service before; his body trembled in waves, making me think he was about to ejaculate. Fortunately, he didn't seem to be going to ejaculate, but his scrotum was really swollen; I couldn't even cover both scrotums with one hand, so I could only gently caress one of them.

By the time his penis was fully erect, my genitals were already overflowing with vaginal fluid. I touched myself, and it felt like an electric shock; an orgasm seemed imminent. I silently said to Ge Fei in my heart: I'm sorry, I'm going to have sex with this man.

I straddled him, aligned my vaginal opening with his glans, and began to push down. However, when my opening was invaded by the huge foreign object, perhaps due to extreme tension, my vagina contracted too violently, constantly squeezing his glans, making it difficult for him to enter. I twisted my waist, moistening it with my vaginal fluid, and with one hand holding the scalding hot iron rod, I drove into a narrow alley like driving a jeep. Finally, he seemed to get it. He held my waist and started arching his body upwards, but it seemed a bit awkward, and he almost went in through my back door. I quickly guided him back to the right path, but unexpectedly, before I could mount him, he suddenly flipped me over and pinned me down, then grabbed his penis and started forcing it inside.

I instinctively pushed him away, moaning, "Mmm, so hard, how can it be so big, so hot, be gentle."

Finally, my vagina slowly began to swallow this uninvited guest. His penis slowly spread my labia, entering my vaginal opening, squeezing out all the vaginal fluid, which flowed down over my back door, causing my anus to involuntarily twitch slightly.

"Ah, it hurts, slower, yours is too big, it's going to break, be gentle,"

I kept pleading with the man in a low voice. I was really in pain. Even with the lubricating fluid, my body, suddenly initiating intercourse, still found it difficult to adapt to such a size. But as his glans entered my vagina, he could no longer suppress his desire. Calming himself, he slammed me down onto the cold floor. Although he had laid out a thin blanket, the cold still sent a shiver down my spine. The pain made me instinctively tighten my legs, my hands quickly pressing against his genitals.

"It hurts! It's too big! Please don't move! Please don't move! Otherwise, Zhou Jie will really die!"

He realized I truly couldn't adapt immediately, and his penis temporarily stopped moving. I dared not move at all, quietly letting my vagina adjust to this enormous thing. I knew that after a while, my vagina would be fully accustomed to it. Then it suddenly occurred to me that I was quite lucky, to have encountered so many enormous penises and to have enjoyed so much sexual bliss that other women might never experience in their entire lives. Although there was a price to pay, I felt that the price was worth it. I actively contracted my vagina, gradually feeling my vaginal walls secrete more fluid, which then receded, followed by a continuous feeling of fullness and comfort. Like the sun breaking through the clouds, or the furnace emerging from the tide, a familiar warmth and comfort that I had subconsciously longed for filled my body, making me feel much warmer. He seemed to sense that the time was right and immediately began to thrust vigorously. I couldn't help but cry out, "So big, so full! So thick, so full!" This bold and shameless intercourse, which I had actively sought out, brought both humiliation and stimulation, but also a long-lost sense of relief. The foreign object inside me continued to penetrate, striking my clitoris, and the afterglow of orgasm was quickly returned. I involuntarily closed my eyes, tilted my head back, and could feel a layer of glistening sweat covering the tip of my nose, my body becoming warm and moist. Although the occasional chill in the air still made me shiver, it was no longer a problem as our intercourse heated up. Soon, I reached my first orgasm, trembling uncontrollably, letting my body sway and sway, my brain buzzing, and my juices flowing like a valve being pulled, spreading down my thighs, only to be roughly slapped and smeared across the exposed area, endlessly. The man seemed somewhat mesmerized by my appearance, slowly reaching forward with his rough hand, wanting to caress my face.

In the euphoria of orgasm, I felt something near my mouth, so I took it in, sucking on his index and middle fingers as I would during oral sex. His fingers tasted slightly bitter, but to me, anything that could enter my body was a catalyst for sex. I could even feel an absurd expectation within myself, a wish that two more people would suddenly appear beside me

. Soon, orgasms came one after another. My sense of time began to blur, and I returned to the long-lost realm of climax, indulging to my heart's content. How free I felt, how comfortable I was! An unprecedented sense of exhilaration, like drumsticks striking my body, densely packed. My fingers gripped the mattress on the floor, letting him manipulate me. Between orgasms, I couldn't help but kiss his shoulder. My tongue seemed to excite him particularly, and he interpreted it as encouragement, accelerating his advance. His body was also unexpectedly strong; I never imagined that such an energetic physique was hidden beneath that seemingly lewd figure.

I completely lost my sense of time, only knowing that I reached the peak again and again. But I knew that there were always higher peaks beyond the peaks; my suddenly liberated body was utterly insatiable. I stripped off his clothes, and we were both completely naked, entwined in a ball of cotton, making love for what felt like an eternity. Finally, in a blur, he suddenly ejaculated. I felt as if I had been struck hard by a sparrow while flying, my body abruptly brought to a halt on the ground. A feeling of suffocation followed, like being hit in the chest, unable to breathe. Then, a torrent of hot semen enveloped and completely submerged my clitoris, being squeezed out of my vagina with his final, forceful thrusts. The sticky sensation urged me to another orgasm. My lower body relaxed, and a stream of liquid spurted out. He seemed startled, quickly withdrawing and stepping aside, watching me shamefully shoot out like a fountain, a jet of water over a meter high, crashing against the dilapidated wall. I was both amused and

exasperated by his reaction. But I was indeed exhausted, unable to get up for a long time. When I finally got up, he had already finished again. I looked at his still-erect penis, feeling a little reluctant to let go. But at that moment, all the warmth had dissipated from my body, and waves of chills washed over me; I couldn't stay any longer. I put on my clothes and lingered in his arms for a while before leaving. The instant I stepped out the door, I felt a genuine pang of reluctance, a fear that I might never see him again, and I turned back.

I saw an incredibly sincere gaze.

I knew it was a sincere gaze because another person had looked at me the same way.

Ge Fei.

My heart pounded wildly, and I hurriedly ran away. I ran for about ten meters before stopping.

No, I couldn't bear to leave.

I ran back to that gaze: "From now on, I'll come every week on this day."

He gave me two thumbs up, babbling in agreement, as excited as a monkey.

I couldn't help but laugh.

For the next two months, we had sex repeatedly. At first, it was once a week, but later, unable to resist, I changed it to once every three days. I taught him various positions and let him fully experience the pleasure of oral sex. He became cleaner and even ridiculously dressed himself up. Once, he even gave me a watch—probably one he found, I don't know the brand, it was very worn and didn't keep accurate time, but I still carefully kept it. The first time was probably because I came too suddenly; every time after that, we had a fire, so instead of being freezing, it was quite romantic.

I was very grateful to him. He was there for me during the hardest years. He didn't have a name, so I called him "Da Gen" (Big Root), which I later felt was a bit too...inappropriate, but he actually stuck with that name.

Before the Lunar New Year, I packed my things, preparing to go home. On my last day, I went to his dilapidated house again. I washed his face, trimmed his hair a little, and bought him a sweater. He put on the sweater and seemed very satisfied. We continued making love, and after several orgasms, another idea suddenly occurred to me. I gently struggled free from under him, then climbed on top of him, looking at his bewildered expression. I guided his penis to my anus. This was the first time I had ever initiated anal sex with a man. To be honest, it didn't feel good. He was rather clumsy and completely lost his rhythm; I had to exert a lot of effort to orgasm once. So we switched back to vaginal sex and continued the woman-on-top position, laughing at him as we did so, while he groaned in protest.

He was very compliant. That day, I was able to do what I had always wanted to do but never had the chance to. I gave him oral sex, then held his semen in my mouth and spat it back to him mouth-to-mouth.

He obviously didn't react and swallowed it. I laughed out loud, and he laughed sheepishly too.

That night, I didn't go back to my dorm but slept in his arms all night. When I woke up in the morning, he had already lit the fire again and was waiting for me to wake up. When I woke up, I was still disoriented.

Where was I? Where was I?

Although I quickly came to my senses, I couldn't help but ask myself again: Where are you? Where are you?

I knew it was about time to break up. If I let him become attached to me, it might be hurting him. This was my first time doing this, and I was worried I might ruin someone. But I hesitated that day. I told myself: when I come back after the New Year, I'll reject him. I can't stay here too long.

But that was the last time I saw him.

When I returned after the New Year, the entire row of bungalows had been demolished. I stared blankly at the rubble, thinking, "Sure enough, the end always comes." Desire doesn't die, but life always changes.

It's a cycle, the gamble starts again. I still have to lift my face and move forward with confusion.

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The Cycle of Desire

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