[A Heartfelt SM Experience] [Author Unknown]

page views:1 Publication date:2022-09-29

This post was last edited by Chunjiang Huayue on 2018-3-21 18:39.

In real life, family, relatives, friends, and colleagues all label me as upright and ambitious, and indeed, that's how I am in my social circle. Perhaps the most glamorous people always have a dark side, but I'm good at disguising it. There's nothing wrong with that; both sides of me are real me. I just don't want to mix those two worlds together; that would be chaotic. I have a shadow behind me because I face the sun. I like the bright sunshine, but I also enjoy the cool shade behind me.

Speaking of SM today, for a long time I couldn't understand it and hadn't explored that world. I always associated SM with perversion. I found Li in a bottle. The bottle mentioned liking the feeling of pain, and the first thing that came to my mind was BDSM. People are always curious. It was 2015, and a movie called 37 Shades of Grey had just come out. That was the only BDSM film I'd ever actually seen. I always felt that the wax dripping and bondage were too stylized, like bondage for the sake of bondage. I could only interpret it as a kind of extreme, masochistic pleasure.

My curiosity led me to become interested in her. I asked her if she was a submissive, and she said she didn't know. I said, "Let's take a test to see if you are." Actually, I don't understand SM at all, and I've never tried it. I simply summarize SM as pleasure derived from torture.

She accepted my so-called test, which was basically answering a few questions: the biggest trauma she'd experienced since childhood, the biggest problem she felt in her real life, her reaction to pain, and her sexual experiences. It was just about gathering information about her from multiple angles to make it easier for me to draw a conclusion. There's no right or wrong conclusion; as long as she accepts it, it's the right conclusion. She's from Zhejiang and studies computer science at university in Nanjing. Nanjing isn't far from Nanjing, about an hour's drive. She said she felt a bit like a doting father. At the time, I didn't understand what a doting father meant. Her father had always been very strict with her, never encouraging or affirming her, always saying she was no good at this or that, always negating everything about her, making her feel like the worst child in the world. This was like a seed that took root and sprouted in her heart from a young age, growing bigger and bigger. She said she had an inexplicable feeling towards her father. She was afraid yet longed for her father's love. Regarding sex, she said she'd felt comfortable rubbing her legs together since kindergarten and had maintained that habit. As she grew older, she learned about masturbation and discovered she had a unique sensitivity to pain. She had a boyfriend in college, but ordinary sex didn't seem to satisfy or excite her. She said she liked the feeling of being bitten, but she didn't dare tell her boyfriend, who didn't understand her feelings. Such a relationship naturally couldn't last, and after breaking up, she didn't bother looking for another. She said she was more "useful" than men, but something seemed to be missing.

Our conversation gave me a preliminary assessment: I felt she had masochistic tendencies. Back in college, my girlfriend and I took an elective course in criminal psychology, which I did better than my major courses. I hadn't tried SM, but at that time I really wanted to. The thought of training a female slave inexplicably excited me.

However, it wasn't something I could just do because I wanted to; it was just wishful thinking on my part, and besides, she didn't know... I didn't know if she was a submissive, and I wasn't a dominant either. Besides, even if she was a submissive, it didn't necessarily mean she would be mine.

I started persuading her, not with some sentimental pleading or saying, "Let's try." There are many ways to persuade someone; the key is to make them believe you. I said that based on my tests, I determined she was a submissive. She asked why, and I said it was because I was a dominant. I put on an air of expertise in front of her, even though I didn't know anything about SM. The theories I mentioned about SM were all made up. I told her that SM wasn't just about hitting someone, tying them up, or making you take your clothes off in public. Those were just laymen's excuses to fool the ignorant and get them into bed. And not everyone can be a dominant, nor can everyone be a submissive. Two essential conditions are required: one innate and one acquired. Innate is physical constitution, and acquired is experience. For example, your sensitivity to pain is innate, and not everyone has that constitution. Acquired is your experience, because of your fear of your father... And this isn't just a single fear; there's also a deep love, a yearning for his attention. His rejection makes you feel both the attention you need and the fear of that attention. Based on this fear and your innate masochistic tendencies, you need to experience pleasure through physical pain. Rather than experiencing pleasure, it's more accurate to say you're using pleasure to counteract the pain—in simpler terms, fighting poison with poison. Sadism is just one expression of SM; the true meaning lies in the solace of the soul. True SM isn't about indulgence and depravity, but about active pursuit and transcendence.

Honestly, sometimes I admire my own ability to talk the dead back to life. There's no inherent logic in the world; if you speak with reason and evidence, and the listener believes you, then it becomes logic, and over time, it becomes an axiom.

Li believed me. She said she had once doubted whether she was a submissive. She had read some SM material, but felt it wasn't what she wanted. She also felt it was a form of indulgent depravity, but she didn't want to be that kind of depraved. She felt that what I described was true SM, and therefore she was convinced that I was a dominant, a real dominant, which made her willing to try exploring what SM was all about.

I wasn't in a hurry to become a true dominant and submissive with her, because I didn't know how to maintain such a relationship. If I were to constantly abuse someone, that would be an extremely perverse act, and I couldn't do it. Also, because Nanjing and Yangzhou are far apart, how I could actually abuse her was a problem. If it were like giving her instructions to do something and then sending her a picture, I felt that would be meaningless, low-level, and boring.

I told her that a dominant and submissive relationship requires complete trust and a lot of communication; it must be built on a foundation of thorough understanding. Once this relationship is established, the submissive must completely lose herself in front of the dominant, only obeying. She said she was willing to try, and I told her to think it over carefully. She said she had, but I said it wasn't that simple. It's not as simple as you saying you can abandon yourself. If you want to become my submissive, then you must do one thing as your pledge of allegiance. If she did this, I would accept her as my submissive. The task wasn't difficult, but it was incredibly hard to complete. She had to undress piece by piece in front of a mirror, then kneel before it, stuff her underwear in her mouth, prick her index finger to write the character for "submission," and use her middle finger to masturbate and write the character for "submission" with the resulting fluid. Facing the mirror meant she had to confront her actions; undressing meant she had to shed all pretense before me; stuffing her underwear in her mouth meant she had no voice in front of the dominant; pricking her finger meant enduring pain; masturbating meant enduring humiliation—all for the sake of those two words: "submission."

I gave her three days to consider doing this, during which time I wouldn't pay her any attention. If she did it, she would be my submissive; if not, it would end. Actually, I didn't have high hopes for her because my demands were perverse enough, very difficult, or rather, completely impossible. But she actually did it. To be honest, I was shocked when I saw the video she sent me after completing it. I began to question the limits of humanity. This made me feel that SM was truly a real-life phenomenon, like something out of a legend, and that it was actually happening to me. I was both excited and bewildered.

People should keep their promises. A girl has already made such an effort; she must have been full of expectations. If I don't take it seriously, I will be letting her down, betraying the hopes of someone who has given up everything for me. That would be unethical. I started thinking about how to train her. I still believe in one principle: no matter what SM is really like, to me it shouldn't be about depravity and decadence. It should just be a tool, a means, and I only want to use this tool to make her better.

I didn't follow the typical SM formula of making her my slave and me her master. I didn't know how to communicate with her that way. I told her that normal communication is possible between S and M, but obedience is still necessary. I split myself in two, saying that I would have two identities from now on: a brother and a father. You can discuss and communicate with your brother, and even be willful, but you can only submit to your father, the kind of submission you show when you pledge your allegiance. Your brother will give her warmth, while your father will only give her tasks. During our time together, you can talk to your brother about any questions, grievances, or confusion, but your father will always be the cold one.

This dual identity setting removed the communication barrier between us. I used one identity to give her tasks, and used the other identity to communicate with her about why I gave her the task, and then evaluate and give suggestions on her completion. Your father would punish her if she didn't do well, while your brother would explain why she was punished.

She said she lacked confidence and always liked to doubt herself, so she couldn't persevere in anything she did. It wasn't that she couldn't persevere, but that she constantly questioned herself and then gave up. After we became a BDSM couple, my first two tasks for her, as her father, were to have her go to a secluded place and shout it out loud, and to send me a voice message every day at 7 PM saying, "Daddy, I'm here, please give me the task."

When she did her first task, she walked outside for a long time and tried to shout several times, but couldn't manage it. I encouraged her as her older brother, and she finally shouted it out. Then I asked her to shout again, and she did it every time.

She initially completed her daily check-in on time, but after a few days, she started to be late or forget. I didn't remind her; instead, I would suddenly punish her as her father. My punishment was cruel: she had to kneel on the bed and write her name 100 times, with clothespins clipped to her nipples. She could only remove the clips when she finished writing, and the handwriting had to be clear; if even one stroke was messy, she had to rewrite everything. The first time she was late in reporting, I had to write it 100 times; the second time, 200 times; the third time, 300 times; and from the fourth time onward, 400 times each time. I didn't choose to accumulate the numbers because I knew people have limits. If I pushed her to her limits, she wouldn't be able to complete it, so it was meaningless.

I spoke to her as her older brother, saying, "These two tasks I gave you, the first one seems difficult, but it's not as hard as it looks. The second task seems simple, but it's actually very difficult to do. Life is like that too; many difficult things are actually easy to do, but many easy things are hard to maintain."

My guidance wasn't too erotic; it was more about teaching her life philosophies, using practice and action to help her truly understand them. At that moment, I was more like a loving father and older brother. I wanted to see her become better, to let her feel the warmth that a pseudo-father could provide—that's what she needed.

At the same time, my punishments for her were also cruel. The most torturous punishments weren't actually physical pain or humiliation—those are easy for a submissive—but rather the mechanical repetition, the monotony, accompanied by physical pain. So, the most effective punishment for her was writing her name, only the clip was placed differently. I think I tortured her more emotionally than physically.

Speaking of sex with her, we slept together. From the beginning, I discussed sleeping together with her. I told her that her father demanded she sleep with him, and she had to, but I never used that identity to force her to do so. Her brother wouldn't demand she sleep with him, but I believed that one day she would be willing to sleep with him. The initial training was more like instruction. Although Nanjing and Yangzhou are close, I didn't go to see her. Her willingness to sleep with me was more about her willingness to sleep with me as her brother. And all of this stemmed from her father, her real father. Her family ran a workshop that produced conveyor belts. She studied computer science, and I knew that a single technical skill wasn't very meaningful; integrating management and technology was what significantly improved her abilities. As her older brother, I taught her management principles. Management without practice is empty talk, so I used her father's workshop as an example to manage and improve it. A small workshop employing a dozen people—what kind of management could there be? But precisely because there was no management, management became effective. I applied my management experience from my actual work, along with what I'd learned from various training programs I'd attended as a company trainee over the years, to her family's workshop. In two months, we discussed solutions and revised them countless times. I only offered inspiration and suggestions. Finally, she completed her solution—practical, feasible, and well-developed. Then, during summer vacation, she took her solution home and started giving her father advice. There are no bad fathers; it's just that their parenting methods are too simplistic. Indeed, her solutions and suggestions were limited; the most direct impact was on efficiency and cost—efficiency increased, costs decreased. She said her father was very happy and admired her greatly. It was a rare occasion in all these years for her to hear her father speak so highly of his daughter in front of family and friends, which made her feel warm and accomplished. All of this stemmed from this SM incident, from that so-called father and brother. When school started, she went to her school, first by high-speed train to Nanjing, then to Yangzhou. On the day she was in Nanjing, she said she wanted to see me. A little girl, she brought me a ham from her hometown, telling her father it was a gift for her teacher. Her father even said she had become smarter. That night, it naturally happened. A lovely girl, but she truly was the kind of submissive she described. When we actually slept together, I wasn't a submissive; I couldn't do those things. I wanted something warm and beautiful; I couldn't do that kind of frenzied biting and torture, so the process wasn't pleasant.

Back at school, we continued our S and M relationship. She was a smart girl, just lacking confidence and courage. I used my role as her father to push her to do things she was previously afraid to do. Gradually, she dared to do many things she was afraid to do, and thus became braver. When you can do one thing well, then another, and then many things well, you naturally become more confident. Just as I said before, she was indeed slowly improving, gradually becoming the person she wanted to be.

However, one thing always bothered me: I was somewhat obsessive about sex. I always felt that my greatest pleasure didn't come from physical gratification, but from the inner pleasure I felt after satisfying a woman. But the truth is, when I slept with her, I didn't give her any pleasure. I started planning how to have sex with her, how to give her pleasure in my own way. I analyzed her erogenous zones. She said one was pain, and the other was shame. These two feelings could stimulate her physical pleasure. I thought carefully about how to make her feel pain and shame to the greatest extent possible. Obviously, stripping her naked and beating her up in the street was impossible.

One weekend, I told her I was going to Yangzhou and gave her a task in my capacity as her father: to book a room at a designated hotel and wait for me. I instructed her to prepare a blindfold, tell me the room number, and then strip naked in the room, cover her eyes with the blindfold, stand behind the door, and hold the doorknob. I would knock on her door, and we agreed on three long knocks followed by two short knocks before she opened the door for me.

I arrived at the agreed time, deliberately arriving fifteen minutes late, just to make her anxious. Being naked in the dark would make the wait feel longer and more agonizing, and being blindfolded would prevent her from knowing what was about to happen. I knocked on the door as agreed. She opened it, completely naked behind the door. I didn't say anything, but pulled her into the room and made her stand there. I just looked at her; she only knew I was there, but she didn't know what I was doing. She could only stand there, and I did nothing but watch her. Slowly, she began to feel fear. I could see her body start to tremble, which was the effect I wanted. I unbuckled my belt, walked behind her, and flicked her buttocks. The sudden flick wasn't very hard, but it was enough to frighten her. She cried out, then fell silent, waiting. The air was tense and heavy. Then, suddenly, again, silence. I saw tears welling up in her eyes, and her breathing became rapid. The third time, I didn't hit her, just made a snapping sound with the belt. She was already terrified and said no. I think I was so perverted back then, but that perversion gave me a strange kind of pleasure. Maybe this is the hidden animality of man. The torment of fear, darkness, and nakedness is more suffocating than simple bondage. I was afraid she would break down, and that would be a failure. So I took off my clothes, hugged her from behind, and started kissing her and rubbing her breasts. The sudden tenderness and the warmth of the embrace made her feel safe. She started to respond to me. I touched her genitals, and they were already soaking wet. I let her go again and repeated the previous game: sudden slaps, then silence, and finally gentle caresses. She was like a kitten lost in a storm, uneasy but enjoying the warmth. I wasn't very gentle with her. I pressed her down on the bed and used the most brutal rear entry to fuck her wildly. She screamed wildly, with a sob in her voice. Until the very end, I didn't remove her blindfold. I just held her like that, letting her lie in my arms, telling her it was okay, everything was alright. I gently patted her like I was lulling a baby to sleep. Because of the tension and the intense lovemaking, she was exhausted, and she fell asleep after relaxing. Watching her sleep in my arms, I began to think about our future, or rather, our ending. This kind of relationship was clearly unacceptable to the world, and there was no love between us. She trusted and relied on me more, while I treated her more like a younger sister, a student, yet not entirely, because there was another layer of relationship between us—a complex web of relationships that was difficult to untangle.

After she fell asleep, I took off her blindfold. When she woke up, she said it felt like a dream. The dream was terrifying, but the feeling was also very exciting. She was afraid but couldn't help trying it, even looking forward to it. She said she had an orgasm, a feeling she had never experienced before. But I told her that it was all just a dream. When she woke up, the warm embrace in reality was real. Everything had to return to reality, and all we could do was make the reality we could perceive warm, because that was our final destination.

After that, we continued dating and sleeping together, but I didn't like the sadomasochistic practices. I wanted to bring her back to a normal life, to tell her that sex should be warm and beautiful, that's the warm reality. Although it had little effect, I showed her what real sex should be like outside of SM. At least she wouldn't resist it in the future. If she didn't resist, she could gradually accept it and integrate into the most ordinary life in this world. My SM with her was fake from the beginning. I didn't know what S should be like, or M should be like, but I knew what would happen in the future: we would both integrate into this society like ordinary people, accept and fulfill the most common values in this world. SM is so incompatible with the real world.

In 2016, Li graduated. I accompanied her to the graduation ceremony as her brother and gave her an Omega as a graduation gift. She said it was expensive, and I said it was a gift from her brother to her sister. After graduation, she went to Hangzhou and took a job related to her major. She was a little uncomfortable at first and would often talk to me about work, while I would only offer advice. Later, I rarely gave her tasks as her father anymore; I felt my mission as a father was complete, and her relationship with her father had improved. After she settled into her new job, I gave her one last task as her father: delete my contact information, stop contacting me, and forget about this experience. She asked why, and I said it was out of obedience. At the same time, as her older brother, I told her that when I gave her the watch, it was to tell her that past experiences, like time itself, will never return, but time always moves forward. We should all embrace the future; only by not dwelling on the past can we face the future without fear. We have shadows behind us because we face the sunlight. Her life truly began. I wasn't a submissive, and she wasn't a masochist; she was just a lost child, and I was merely a ferryman. Now she has reached the shore, facing her sunshine, never looking back, and then you will never see the so-called shadow again.

Li completed the final task I gave her, and our past faded into the background of my life, rarely even being thought of. But the day before yesterday, I received an email in my QQ inbox with a photo of her wedding. She was arm-in-arm with her father, beautifully married. She didn't say much, just, "Dad, your daughter is married. I have a good brother, and I will be happy."

An amateur SM, a heartfelt SM. We all have shadows because we are all under the sun. Facing the sun or facing the shadow, it's just a matter of turning around. Choosing one path and never looking back is not another way of life.

Li, I am not a BDSM, I am just the ferryman who made you turn around.

[The End]

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