My father and cousin committed incest, and I used sex games to get revenge on men.

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-24

Xiaotong is an intelligent and beautiful woman from Hengshan. A college graduate, she has a white-collar job. However, a memory from when she was 10 years old distorted her life: that
year, her domineering father raped her 15-year-old cousin, who was staying with her. This left a deep shadow on her heart, making her dislike all men. A playful,
vengeful mindset made her indifferent to sex. In her confusion, Xiaotong had several heart-to-heart talks with me online. She didn't know when it would end.
She wanted to meet me in person; perhaps a real face-to-face meeting could help her escape the nightmare, resolve her inner conflict, and start a new life.
On the evening of November 1st, I made a special trip to Hengshan to meet Xiaotong face-to-face. I will always remember Xiaotong's first words to me: "I never thought you would actually
come to see me; it feels like a dream." In the bustling People's Square of Hengshan, Xiaotong, as if picking up fragments of her memory, presented an incredibly real version of herself to me,
without any pretense.
A Repressed Childhood: I Learned My Father's Secret
I am an only child, 26 years old this year, but the scars of time have prematurely etched themselves on my face. My once happy family was ruined by my father's infidelity.
My cousin, the daughter of a distant aunt, was a few years older than me and lived with us while attending school. One day when I was ten, I came home from school to find my father cheating on
my cousin . Their relationship had lasted for several years, and I couldn't understand why she was willing to do it. At first, I hated my cousin, thinking she had ruined our family's happiness.
But she was also a victim. Even after she stopped living with us, my father didn't stop and continued to see other women. I gradually became hostile towards him. In my memory,
my mother knew about my father's affairs, but what could she do? Sometimes I slept with my mother, and I often heard her
crying alone at night. Once, I was surprised to find my parents' "divorce agreement" among a pile of tattered books, but they never actually divorced. The oppressive
environment of my family from childhood made me feel suffocated, and I always wanted to escape it all.
A passionate school experience: I fell in love with a girl in my class.
In 2000, I was admitted to a university in Guangzhou, majoring in Japanese. On my first day at school, I felt incredibly happy: leaving the cage of home,
I could finally fly like a free bird.
Campus life was fulfilling, but for some reason, whenever a boy expressed interest in me, I felt disgusted and cut ties with him. Instead,
I started paying special attention to girls and was exceptionally kind to my female classmates. Even I was surprised; how could I have homosexual tendencies? It made them all very
embarrassed , saying, "Xiaotong, if you were a boy, I wonder how many girls would like you!" Hearing this, I consciously started wearing more androgynous
clothes.
At the beginning of the semester of my graduation year, I was exceptionally kind to a female classmate, and she enjoyed my kindness. We were inseparable every day; I
helped her get meals, saved her a seat in the library, and even fetched water for her to wash her feet. I treated her like my girlfriend, and we even had intimate contact. Because
I'm also a girl, my other classmates didn't discover my "hobby." Our abnormal female relationship lasted for a year before
we broke up . After all, we're both women, and rationally, we knew it couldn't really last.
Playing with Life: I Take Sex Lightly
Women in this world are always under the spotlight of men, and I'm no exception. But I despise men from the bottom of my heart, always believing that "there isn't a single
good man ," because my father wasn't a good man. I gradually started to treat revenge against men as a game. Any man who showed interest in me, I
would play along. If I found him pleasing to the eye, I'd sleep with him, but only once. The next day, I'd disappear, making sure he could never find me again, letting these men
taste the bitterness of being played and abandoned by women. I actually enjoyed this game immensely. Men are truly despicable; where is there any real affection?
Besides selectively retaliating against men, I began to purposefully design ways to continue my "sex game." I enjoy listening to radio programs, and I
'm particularly familiar with the voice of a male host on a well-known Hunan radio station, and I also really like his programs. One day, a sudden thought struck me: perhaps this radio host,
like other men, couldn't resist temptation. One day, I boldly sent him a message: "This program is great, I really like this host," and
left my contact information. Then I waited patiently for him to take the bait. As expected, on the third day, my favorite famous radio host called me personally
, but I felt no excitement. We continued communicating by phone for over a month. I presented myself as a perfect
woman, my voice sounding gentle on the phone. Gradually, we both began to rely on each other's calls. He, in his mid-thirties, told me he was still unmarried
because he had high standards for a wife. The radio waves brought us together; it was fate. I found it amusing—such old-fashioned clichés!
I didn't believe reality was like that, so I decided to use my trump card. At
the end of March this year, I traveled alone to Changsha to test him. I called him from downstairs at the radio station where he worked. When the virtual world became real, everything
seemed unreal. Although his voice was pleasant, he wasn't handsome, but he was very charming. He took me out to dinner, and I obediently complied; he took
me to a hotel, and I still complied. What followed was predictable: we had what "should" have happened—a one-night stand. When I gently said
goodbye , I turned away and laughed to myself, because this dream I thought was somewhat beautiful had shattered. Who could I trust now? I had once again confirmed
the truth that "men are no good."
After returning to Hengyang, we still kept in touch by phone, and I continued to deal with him as before. Was a host who spouted righteousness and morality on television
really ? In August, he finally stated: "We can't be together, but we can be like brother and sister." I found it even more ridiculous. I asked him, "Are there
brother and sister who sleep together?" He didn't answer, and I knew my game was over. I might never get married in this life.
My future is uncertain: I don't know where tomorrow will come from
. I just pass the time like this. Changing jobs is like changing men; I change jobs at the slightest dissatisfaction, since my family doesn't really care. I remember my father once
telling me that he would explain everything to me, his daughter, on my 18th birthday. But he didn't, and he still
has . If he had told me then, perhaps I wouldn't be like this now. Therefore, I hate my father.
This year, on a whim, I decided to apply for graduate school at Fudan University in Shanghai. Maybe if he just wanted to
, he would support me and let me quit my job to focus on my studies. They're both retired and have nothing to do at home every day. Although they're very good to me and care about me, I
hate their concern. I always feel they're hypocritical. My mother knows all about my father's messy affairs, yet she's tolerated it all this time.
[The End]

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My father and cousin committed incest, and I used sex games to get revenge on men.

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