After cheating, I hated my husband for being good-looking but useless.

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-23

Author: Unknown
I used to have a happy family, a house, a car, a handsome husband, and a cute and lively son. I loved
my husband and my child; both my familial and romantic love were genuine and heartfelt.
However, in the past six months, my heart has changed, turning from love to hate. I hate my husband; he's all looks
and no substance , unable to satisfy my sexual desires as a woman.
I cheated on him, going from passively being harassed by another man to actively throwing myself at him. I hate myself.
I'm trying to weigh the choice between love and sex, but it's like I'm under a spell, or addicted
; I seem unable to control myself.
Now, I feel a heavy sense of guilt. I feel sorry for my husband, sorry for my family, and even despise
myself lacking self-respect, feeling cheap and promiscuous. This shouldn't be me. I'm not this kind of woman. I used to
be chaste, I used to believe in love, but what happened to me?
I've been married to my husband for over four years. He was my first man; I gave him my virginity, my first kiss,
and even my first love. Perhaps no one would believe that in today's materialistic society, there is still
a woman like me who holds fast to her principles.
This is entirely related to my upbringing and my experiences.
I grew up in a single-parent family. When I was 10, my father abandoned my mother and me to
marry a promiscuous woman. My mother always taught me not to believe men's sweet words, saying that no man is
good and that men are never satisfied.
I have always been an obedient child, and I deeply understand my mother's good intentions. I even
went to university while my mother endured immense hardship. My growth and success are
all thanks to my mother's love. Therefore, I have a strong maternal instinct flowing in my blood, which is why I shower my child
with care and affection after giving birth. This is undoubtedly a continuation of love.
I feel the same way about my husband. I cherish our relationship very much. He
married me after passing the tests of both my mother and me. His family background was very ordinary, and he succeeded step by step through his own hard work.
In life, we share a dramatic similarity in our experiences. He also comes from a single-parent family, but unlike me, his mother
ran away, while he lived with his father and later had a stepmother.
My husband and I met and fell in love after we started working. He pursued me, and I'm so glad I did,
because I had long missed that romantic, youthful season of settling down.
In university, my inferiority complex and my ambition made me oblivious to the beauty around me. However, after graduation, when
my mother started to worry about my marriage, I finally told her the truth: I had always been a good daughter, I didn't
know how to date, I only knew how to study. My mother joked that she was responsible, and I comforted her, saying it wasn't too late.
That heart-to-heart talk about marriage between mother and daughter was a year after graduation; I was 23 then. I could see
my mother's anxiety, just like when I was taking my elementary, middle, and high school entrance exams.
Later, perhaps by divine intervention, men started pursuing me, and for the first time, I felt a rare sense of secret joy
and excitement. I desperately wanted and hoped for it, but at that time, I was also thinking more about my mother; I
didn't want her to worry about my marriage.
My husband is honest and reliable. My mother likes him very much, and so do I. He's two years older than me, treating me like
an older brother or a father. In his arms, I feel
the fatherly love I'd lost for fifteen years.
Two years of dating further confirmed his character. He respects me deeply; he held my hand and
kissed me, but my condition was that I would only give myself to him completely on our wedding night. He was constantly
testing . I married him with complete peace of mind, swearing that he was my first and only man in this life.
He liked my conservatism and tradition, and he especially revered my virginity. He would always hold my face and say that I was
the most beautiful and purest woman he had ever seen. However, I never imagined that
I would be the one to betray our marriage in the end.
For the first three years of our marriage, I was a very dutiful wife, a good wife and mother, and a dutiful daughter-in-law. I am
a very virtuous woman. Although my husband sees me as a beauty, I am also aware that I am actually
a very ordinary-looking woman, and slightly overweight; while my husband is indeed quite sunny, 1.8 meters tall
, and loves sports.
I had no idea whether my husband and I had a good or bad sex life. I had no experience with men and couldn't understand
it at all. I first noticed that my husband's penis was a bit small by comparing it to
other then I looked it up.
The second year after our marriage, I gave birth to a boy, and the whole family was overjoyed. But later, whenever I
took my child to the park, I would habitually ask other children how they ate, how naughty they were, how many teeth they had, whether they could
sit, or whether they could crawl, and I would often talk to the mothers about parenting.
I remember one time, my child was over a year old and slowly learning to walk. I was playing in the square with a
woman had her child with her. My child needed to pee, and her child did too. During this time,
a casual remark she made made me suspicious. She said, "Why is your child's penis
so small ?"
After seeing her child's penis and comparing it, my son was indeed a little shorter than hers,
like a little caterpillar. When I got home, I searched online and looked at
information . I suddenly realized that my husband's penis wasn't big; it was 4 to 5 centimeters smaller than normal,
and only about 10 centimeters when erect. I suddenly felt humiliated. Looking at the information and thinking about men,
my face turned red.
In our subsequent married life, I began to consciously or unconsciously pay attention to my husband's genitals. Furthermore, I
repeatedly searched online for information about sex, such as female orgasms and the
duration . In short, I frequently went online to focus on matters of love and sex, and later even secretly rented pornographic DVDs.
I often felt agitated and agitated while watching them. However, perhaps it was precisely because of my unhealthy mindset that
I made a mistake, though it wasn't initially my fault.
Xiao Gang, my colleague in the same department, was the group's banter expert and my work
partner. From the day I started working, we shared an office. He was very attentive to me,
but I looked down on him and never tried to provoke him. Sometimes he would ask me out for meals or something, but I always
refused.
When I started working at the company, he was already married, and he was at least five years older than me. Although I
disliked , I never rejected him; after all, we were colleagues, both working for the same company. Besides, while he was a bit overly enthusiastic, he
was generally upright. However, that summer, something happened to me—he took advantage of me.
The company was holding its 20th anniversary celebration, and there was a lot of material to prepare. One day, Xiaogang and I needed to work overtime.
Everyone else had left; in this large company, our group was probably the only one still with the lights on. The other two
women had also left after finishing their assigned tasks, leaving just the two of us.
It was already past 11 p.m. when my husband called. I told him I was working overtime and
would that he and the child should go to sleep. Later, Xiaogang's wife also called, and he said the same thing.
Just at the very end, there was a set of data that needed to be checked together, and he sat down next to me.
It was very hot indoors on a summer night . Although I was wearing a dress, I was sweating profusely. He had already taken off his t-
shirt and was working shirtless. I saw his muscular physique; he looked incredibly fit. I had heard he went to
the gym every day, but I never imagined a man could actually build muscles like that.
The moment he sat down next to me, my heart started pounding. He seemed to notice
my unusual behavior; my face must have been very red, as it usually is when I have a physical reaction.
After checking the last number, Xiao Gang took out a tissue to wipe the sweat from my forehead, but I
instinctively pushed his hand away. However, this touch probably aroused his desire even more; I could clearly
see his pants bulge.
He stood up, walked to the door, locked it, and turned off two of the lights, leaving only a dim
fluorescent .
I said, "Why are you turning on the light? I'm not finished yet!" He walked up to me and forcefully
silenced my words with his lips. I resisted and struggled, but it was all in vain. He raped me on the desk.
That intense lovemaking gave me a pleasure I rarely experienced as a woman; perhaps this
was what they call an orgasm. For the first few minutes, I resisted, but then I closed my eyes
and submitted to him because he was really good at it, mainly because his penis was huge.
Twenty minutes later, I actually cried. I don't know why I cried. He tried to comfort me, but I ignored him.
He turned on the light again and helped me organize my documents, while I lay face down on the desk, my face almost
burned by the heat of my passion.
Later, he asked me out to dinner, and I didn't refuse; he booked a hotel room, and I went there secretly… For the past six months, I've
lived like a sinner, acting furtively .
I started paying attention to my appearance, hoping Xiaogang would secretly compliment me; I even learned
to lie . I've really changed, become someone I don't recognize. I'm afraid now, afraid of being exposed. Every time Xiaogang
asks me out, I find myself inexplicably drawn closer to him.
What's wrong with me? Is this still the same person I used to be? Who changed me? So many "what ifs," but they
're just "what ifs." I'm speechless…
Drifting between sex and love, I'm an idiot. But I'm also a woman, and perhaps what a woman truly needs
is something love can't give! I don't want to defend myself. Right or wrong, happiness or unhappiness, others can never truly
know .
[The End]

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