My girlfriend, who accompanied me through thick and thin, shared my bed and kissed me all those years, has gotten married.

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-24

(I)
On October 10, 2013, the old almanac said it was auspicious for marriage, divorce, tailoring, haircuts, setting up beds, building stoves, and cleaning. Inauspicious for sacrifices, consecration, digging wells, installing doors, and planting. I also admit that today was an auspicious day for marriage. I saw Jiang Wei standing at the hotel entrance in a red dress, her face overflowing with happiness. Next to her was today's protagonist, the groom in a suit and tie.
I didn't tell her I was there. I didn't even have the courage to go up to her and say a word of blessing. I just stood far away, watching this girl who had been with me for ten years become someone else's bride today.
(II)
In 2003, I, who was severely unbalanced in my studies, barely managed to catch the wave of the expanded enrollment and was admitted to a decent second-tier university in Qingdao, embarking on my academic journey alone. I will always remember the day I met Jiang Wei. The sun was shining brightly, and a gentle sea breeze was blowing. As I walked out of the crowded passageway, a girl sat on a flower bed, crying. A crowd had gathered around her, and from their conversation, I learned that this girl had had her wallet stolen by a thief on the train. I initially wanted to walk away, because there were too many swindlers in this society, and not enough fools to go around. But then I saw the card in her hand. I had an identical one in my bag—our school's acceptance letter. As
if possessed, I stopped, took out a hundred-yuan bill from my wallet, and handed it to her. The moment she looked up, two tears fell onto the back of my hand. I felt a burning sensation, not just on my hand, but also on my heart. The girl with the big, teary eyes before me was Jiang Wei, the love of my life, and also the mistake of my life. Jiang Wei's delicate features made me feel a tightness in my chest. Was it love at first sight? Jiang Wei didn't take my money. Thinking she was wary, I hurriedly took my university acceptance letter from my bag. She looked at it carefully before standing up, taking the money, and asking me to accompany her on a phone call.
Women are indeed complex creatures. I fully expected her to cry to her parents about her ordeal on the phone, but what I heard was her telling them everything went smoothly, the seaside scenery was beautiful, and she even mentioned meeting a classmate who was going the same way and accompanying her to school. As she said this, she made a face at me, and I saw a pair of dimples blooming on her face. Of course, after we got to know each other better, she corrected my terminology, calling them "pear dimples."
This was my first meeting with Jiang Wei, and the beginning of our love. In the many years that followed, I still remember clearly how a girl's tears once burned the back of my hand, and how she had a pair of charming dimples when she smiled.
I met Jiang Wei again on the third day of military training. A guy next to me told me that a pretty girl in the next line kept peeking at him and asked me to help him check her out. I looked in the direction he was pointing and saw Jiang Wei smiling broadly. I knew we were actually in the same college, and I nodded to her.
On the last day of military training, I mustered up my courage and went up to the front to sing "You'll Be With Me All My Life" by Shui Mu Nian Hua. I admit I performed a bit too well that day, but to my surprise, Jiang Wei ran straight over from their line and gave me a bottle of mineral water. Under the strange looks of everyone, my face instantly turned bright red, and the instructors from both formations led the teasing. The thoughts of city girls are perhaps something I can never understand. Jiang Wei was that kind of girl, and this was the first time I had ever seen her like that.
Almost everyone asked me if Jiang Wei was my girlfriend, and I denied it all. My one-sided statement did not affect Jiang Wei's enthusiasm for me. She called me through the dorm's intercom, the phone, and even called my name directly from under the balcony. Oh right, I forgot to mention, my name is Jiang Hai. Many people ask if I have an older brother named Jianghu, but unfortunately I don't.
Occasionally, I'll eat at the cafeteria with Jiang Wei, or go to the library to study. Whenever classmates bump into me, they give me knowing smiles, and some boys even secretly give me a thumbs up. Sometimes I think about my relationship with Jiang Wei. Strictly speaking, I like quiet girls, ideally the kind described in ancient books—the kind who walks lightly and leave no trace. As for their image, I'd like a girl like Haruko Akagi from Slam Dunk, sitting gently in the sunset reading poetry. Of course, this is just an excuse. The real issue is psychological. After spending time together a few times, I realized we weren't compatible. My annual living expenses couldn't even cover the cost of the few pairs of sneakers she wore. All those KFC, McDonald's, and sundaes she talked about—I knew nothing about them. In other words, I always felt a deep sense of inferiority when I was with her. She had the latest phone and wore Nike shoes, while I didn't have a phone, though I always wore black Double Star sneakers.
At the end of the first semester, Jiang Wei and I were more like buddies, close friends who could talk about anything. We spent far more time together than with anyone else, and I got used to having someone by my side. We were like a couple, but we never did anything couples do. After the final exams, we both did well and were in good spirits, so we ate together. During the meal, Jiang Wei suddenly said she wasn't going home for the New Year and wanted to spend it at my house. I almost choked. I wondered what Jiang Wei's reaction would be when she saw my dilapidated yard. After six months together, I learned that Jiang Wei's parents were both civil servants, and in relatively high positions. My parents, on the other hand, were farmers, the honest, hardworking type. During the off-season, my father would work as a loader in the city. Before I left for school, my mother told me to study hard and cherish the opportunity, because my parents weren't capable and worked odd jobs. After much thought, I still didn't have the courage to accept this love.
My first year of university winter break was incredibly boring. Without Jiang Wei's company, it always felt lacking. I gradually started to miss her chatter. The reality was, my poor family couldn't even afford a telephone. It was only during the Lunar New Year that I borrowed a neighbor's phone to call her. She excitedly laughed and cried on the other end, scolding me for being so heartless to call so late. As I hung up, I clearly heard her say, "Jiang Hai, I miss you." In my heart, I silently said, "Jiang Wei, I miss you too."
As soon as the New Year was over, I embarked on my journey back to school amidst my mother's nagging, "Raising a son is worse than raising a dog." My first argument with Jiang Wei also erupted during our first meeting after the holiday. It all started when Jiang Wei said she had a gift for me. When I opened the box and saw the brand-new Nokia phone, I didn't feel the joy Jiang Wei had expected. I refused, because my fragile self-esteem was like a transparent glass, unable to tolerate the slightest blow. But the moment I turned away, I heard Jiang Wei crying, just like when we bumped into each other at the train station six months ago. My heart softened, and I turned back and hugged Jiang Wei for the first time.
In the second semester of my freshman year, my roommates all went out to find odd jobs, like waiting tables and washing dishes. Jiang Wei even naively asked me why I didn't find tutoring work, but the reality was that all three of us were teachers—too many wolves, too few children. I also worked part-time at a small restaurant on weekends, earning 30 yuan a day, plus a bowl of clear soup noodles for lunch. No matter what time I got off work, Jiang Wei would always wait for me at the school gate, and then we'd go for a walk on the track together. I'd buy her a roasted sweet potato on the way. At the end of my freshman year, I was lucky enough to receive a second-class scholarship of six hundred yuan. I took half of it and secretly bought Jiang Wei a Jeanswest dress. Jiang Wei was moved to tears again.
Jiang Wei and I began our official relationship. College life was just like that; aside from the initial excitement and novelty, most of the time was filled with emptiness and boredom. When boredom met with hesitation, we had to do something meaningful. When Jiang Wei and I kissed for the first time, we were both incredibly nervous. Our lips were tightly closed, and we didn't experience any pleasure. In the end, we even bled. Jiang Wei asked if this was the legendary "bloody romance," and I stupidly asked, "You're so pretty, didn't any boys pursue you in high school?" Jiang Wei made a face at me and said that I usually patiently corrected the grammatical and punctuation errors in the love letters that were given to me, and then sent them back. Over time, no one dared to contact me anymore. However, there was one boy who persisted for quite a while, and now he has run into you, this troublemaker, as soon as he entered college.
At the start of my sophomore year, I joined the student union and also participated in the department's basketball team. My life suddenly became very busy, and these activities made me more confident. Jiang Wei and I were practically inseparable, studying and reading together. At that time, I also had a decent tutoring job off-campus, teaching folk guitar at a music store. Jiang Wei would occasionally come to the music store to see me, and the group of elementary school students would greet me in unison, "Welcome, Teacher's Wife!" I felt a little embarrassed. On my birthday, Jiang Wei gave me a Red Cotton guitar, and I put our photos on it.
In the second semester of my sophomore year, Jiang Wei and I experienced our first relationship crisis. The cause was rather mundane: a younger guy was pursuing Jiang Wei. The key point was that this guy was more handsome than me and incredibly rich. To be honest, he and Jiang Wei really looked like a perfect couple. During that time, I was transferred to work in the school's secretariat, where I spent my days organizing materials and speeches for the school leaders. When I found out about this, the rich second-generation guy had been pursuing Jiang Wei for over a month. Actually, I wasn't too worried; my confidence stemmed from the failures I'd seen with other guys. They'd sent flowers, sung songs, and flaunted their cars, but Jiang Wei hadn't paid them any attention. I always believed that my relationship with Jiang Wei was as unbreakable as the rock and the reed in the book. But one day, I happened to pass by the school's water bar and saw Jiang Wei and that guy laughing and talking while drinking milk tea. I had to text Jiang Wei: "Where are you?" I saw her take out her phone and glance at it: "In the dorm." When I saw those four words, my hands and feet went cold, and I felt helpless and bitter. I didn't contact her for about 10 days. She texted me, saying she had a school event. When I met Jiang Wei again, her college was having some kind of Girls' Day opening ceremony. Jiang Wei invited me to come and support her, saying she had a surprise for me. When I saw her from afar, she was directing the stage decorations, and that rich second-generation guy was standing nearby, their behavior intimate. I turned to leave, but Jiang Wei jumped off the stage, grabbed my arm, and walked towards the stage. I vaguely saw a hint of hostility flash across the rich kid's face.
That night, she was radiant. After the event, on the way home, I finally couldn't help but ask about the rich kid. She casually said he was just a friend, and that he had sponsored the event. I was very dissatisfied with her attitude, and a long-simmering argument ensued. I've completely forgotten what we argued about that day. I only remember that she took a pair of gloves out of her bag and put them on my face before turning and leaving. Her back view reminded me of that figure at the train station exit that year.
I was actually somewhat prepared for the relationship to end prematurely; after all, the pair of shoes Jiang Wei wore cost me half a semester's living expenses. Was our love just a lingering warmth after the initial感动 (feeling of being moved) on the day we met
? And when all that faded, only a generation gap and estrangement remained? At the end of the semester, my cousin, who also studied in Qingdao, came to visit me for the first time. We ate together in the school cafeteria. But then I heard a boy requesting a song for Jiang Wei over the school radio. I knew the rich kid's revolution hadn't succeeded yet, and a sense of joy welled up inside me. That is, until my cousin got a bowl of soup spilled on her, and I saw Jiang Wei pouting angrily, looking at my bewildered cousin and me, equally bewildered. Just then, the song she requested was repeated over the radio, and my smile turned into a mocking one. A larger crowd gathered, and I spotted the rich kid in the crowd. Seeing my expression, Jiang Wei suddenly grabbed my hand and shouted at my cousin, "He's my man, no one can take him away, I'm his woman for life!" At that moment, I thought of Chairman Mao on Tiananmen Square and Lenin in front of the Winter Palace during the October Revolution. As Jiang Wei pulled me away, she heard a girl across from her call out, "Cousin!"
My cousin, true to her word, reported to her mother that she had a beautiful and generous cousin-in-law, but didn't mention this dramatic scene. The rich kid never contacted Jiang Wei again after that. That summer vacation, Jiang Wei went home, while I stayed in Qingdao with my classmates to work and earn money for the next semester's tuition. Near the end of summer vacation, Jiang Wei told me she had told her family about us, and her parents wanted to see me sometime. Upon hearing this devastating news, I accidentally knocked over a customer's glass of Munich dark beer, losing a day's wages.
My first time with Jiang Wei happened before school started; the dorms weren't open yet, so we found a small hotel near the school. We nervously but pretended to be relaxed, cuddling and watching TV. Soon after, we heard moans coming from next to us. Jiang Wei hugged my neck tightly, and I unconsciously kissed her. I reached inside her clothes, exploring her body. When we were naked, we were both a little dazed. The singing from next door started again. I leaned down and bit Jiang Wei's earlobe, saying, "Didn't you say you'd be my woman for life? Won't you regret it?" Jiang Wei bit my earlobe back, saying, "No regrets. If you ever change your mind, I'll cut you off."
That's the ideal, but reality is different. Jiang Wei and I searched from head to foot of the bed but couldn't find a suitable entrance. I wanted to turn on the light, but Jiang Wei refused. So we went from foot to head again. Finally, we both laughed, Jiang Wei laughing uncontrollably. I got angry thinking about it. I'm not Yu the Great; why should I pass by my home three times without entering? I mentally reviewed the Japanese scenes from the G drive we'd watched in the dorm, and then thrust into Jiang Wei's body. The next morning, I saw a stain of red on the sheet. The consequence was paying 50 yuan to buy a new sheet. On the way, I told Jiang Wei, "Throw it away." Jiang Wei replied, "I'll keep it. It's evidence of your crime. If you ever don't want me anymore, I'll give it back to you, making you feel guilty for the rest of your life."
Before I knew it, I was a junior in college. Many couples around me broke up and got back together, but Jiang Wei and I remained inseparable. That year, because of the light workload, Jiang Wei and I went to Nanjing and Hangzhou, and then to Beijing. To watch the flag-raising ceremony at Tiananmen Square, we got up in the middle of the night and braved the Beijing smog until our lips turned purple. We even took the subway for a ride. Jiang Wei said she would come to Beijing with me after graduation so we could watch the flag-raising ceremony and ride the subway every day.
That winter break, I couldn't resist Jiang Wei's persistent nagging and went to her house for the first time. I finally understood what "luxury" meant, and I also demonstrated what "feeling completely lost" meant. Jiang Wei's parents reacted coldly to my arrival, which was evident from their expressions when they greeted me and their introductions to the neighbors. When a neighbor asked if this handsome young man was Jiang Wei's boyfriend, her mother said no, just a college classmate. That night, I enjoyed the privilege of a single room, but Jiang Wei secretly sneaked into my bed in the middle of the night. The awkward thing was that I woke up too late that morning, and her parents still found out that we had slept together the night before. Her father's face was terribly gloomy during breakfast.
That evening, my then-ideal future father-in-law finally found a chance to be alone with me and interrogated me about my family, studies, and career plans. I answered them all, but when we talked about career plans, I mentioned wanting to try my luck in Beijing or Shenzhen after graduation. I saw his brow furrow. I understood then that my family background wasn't the kind of son-in-law he was looking for. I stayed at his house for a week, then fled home as if my life depended on it. When I left, only Jiang Wei saw me off at the station. Seeing my sullen expression, she comforted me, saying that her parents were actually quite satisfied with me. I had actually harbored some resentment, but when I turned and saw Jiang Wei standing shivering in the wind, all that remained was gratitude.
(III)
University life flies by, and we are about to graduate. My classmates are getting busy. Some are preparing for postgraduate entrance exams, and some are taking civil service exams. We see each other less often. I am also busy with various certification exams, whether they are useful or not. Jiang Wei is busy taking English exams or something. I don't know much about them. For a while, she saw me looking depressed. Sometimes she would ask me out of the blue, "Do you think we will break up after graduation?" I said, "No, I still want to go to Beijing with you, wearing white shirts and ties, and taking the subway to work."
When her father called me, I learned that her parents had arranged for her to study in Australia, but Jiang Wei disagreed. Her father hoped I could persuade her that we weren't right for each other and that I should let go. When I hung up, my mind was blank, filled with mixed emotions. For the first time, I resented my father for not being rich. Jiang Wei seemed to be struggling under the pressure. We booked a room off-campus and made love passionately. In the end, Jiang Wei cried uncontrollably and asked me what to do. As I wiped her face with the back of my hand, the warm tears burned my hand again. I knew I couldn't live without Jiang Wei; she had already become a part of my life. So, I made a selfish decision: "You stay, Jiang Wei. I will work hard, I will strive for success." This was the promise I made to Jiang Wei when we were honest with each other years ago. Jiang
Wei ultimately gave up the opportunity to study in Australia. We were like wound-up mice, searching for jobs, internships, preparing for graduate school entrance exams, and taking civil service exams.
When Jiang Wei's father called me again, his tone was filled with disappointment and exhaustion. He demanded that Jiang Wei and I take the civil service exam in their area, saying he could use his connections. This time, I refused without hesitation. I insisted on my goal: to live in a big city. Jiang Wei also insisted on coming with me. This time, the conflict escalated again. In
the second semester of my senior year, I was fortunate enough to get an internship at an import-export company through a teacher's recommendation. I got up at 6 a.m. every day, took a one-and-a-half-hour bus ride, and didn't get back to school until 8 p.m. I often worked overtime, spending the night in an internet cafe downstairs from the office building. I finally understood the hardships of working life. Jiang Wei stayed at school to work on her graduation thesis, but no matter how late I got back, she would always be there waiting for me, like a wife waiting at home for her husband to return from a long expedition. Jiang Wei and I had been together for four years. We no longer blushed at the slightest physical contact. We knew each other's bodies as well as our own. After a fairly successful internship, the company offered me a permanent position, which meant a raise and five social insurances. But I chose to refuse; my heart was still in Beijing, the city about to host the Olympics.
The remaining time was the most enjoyable period of my university life: preparing my graduation thesis, going to internet cafes to play games with my classmate of four years, drinking and dining together. Jiang Wei quit her translation job at a container company. We were both full of ambition, ready to go to Beijing.
Finally, we graduated, and after receiving our diplomas, we each went home. We agreed to take the same train to Beijing on August 1st. During that time, I called her, but she hesitated, and I heard her scolding. On August 1st, I bought my train tickets, but I couldn't get through to Jiang Wei. I dialed again and again, and gradually my hope turned into despair. But I still boarded the train north without hesitation. On the train, I thought again of that trip with Jiang Wei, and the announcement on the train: "Dear passengers, the great capital Beijing has arrived. Please take your luggage, stand firm, and prepare to disembark."
The first thing I did after arriving in Beijing was to call Jiang Wei. I still couldn't get through, so I had no choice but to call her father. He answered but said he was in a meeting and then stopped answering. Like a paranoid maniac, I kept dialing, but still no response. When I arrived in Beijing, a senior classmate who was already there picked me up. He took me to a basement apartment near the Third Ring Road. When I first went in, I was overwhelmed by a stench and the smell of urine. My senior classmate smiled and said he had also found it difficult to adjust at first. He said I'd get used to it. The small room I rented could only fit a small bed and a chair. Above me were a dense network of water pipes, making a loud noise when someone flushed the toilet.
Perhaps this wasn't my tragedy, because when you step out of the basement, the outside world is bright and clean, with towering buildings—this is the lifestyle of the wealthy. Those without means live like rats in a dark, underground environment.
I treated the senior student who hosted me to a meal, and his behavior made me blush. He stuffed all the leftover napkins on the table into his pocket, and even took some from the next table. I watched it all silently.
The day after arriving in Beijing, I went to the job market. Time was of the essence; all I had was my 4500 yuan internship salary for three months. After deducting rent and transportation costs, there wasn't much left.
I had never been to a job market before and had never experienced that kind of battle. When I saw tens of thousands of people like me rushing towards the recruitment booths, I was stunned. I realized then that those sitting behind the booths weren't ordinary people, but gods. I returned empty-handed for several days in a row, receiving mostly glares and contempt.
"What kind of lousy school is this? Is it a private one?"
"We only accept applicants with more than two years of work experience."
"We only accept Beijing residents; we don't consider those from other places."
Despite lowering my job expectations again and again, I still couldn't find a job. My parents frequently called to ask how my job search was going. I would say, "I found it. My company leaders and colleagues are really good to me. I just got back from a dinner party."
After hanging up, I held back my tears and dialed Jiang Wei's number, but it was still switched off. Her father's number was already unreachable; I guess I was already on his blacklist.
I have to say, my senior colleague helped me a lot when I first arrived in Beijing. Although I can't contact him anymore, if you see this, I sincerely thank you.
He came to see me on the weekend and, seeing that I wasn't in a good mood, he cheerfully took me to buy a cheap suit, to get a haircut, and gave me a copy of "Square and Circle." When I saw myself in the mirror, dressed in new clothes and looking presentable, I regained my confidence. For the next 20 days, I went to the job market every day to look for work, and when I was hungry, I would buy a pancake at the entrance of my neighborhood. Finally, a month after arriving in Beijing, I found a job as a warehouse manager at a book publishing company, with a base salary of 2000 yuan and lunch provided. Although this job wasn't quite what I expected, I reluctantly chose to accept it; after all, I needed to put food on the table first. Whenever I struggled in the mire of despair, I missed Jiang Wei terribly, but I could never get through on the phone. I even considered going home to find her, but looking at myself now made me feel pathetic.
Gradually, I started to adapt to my job in Beijing. To put it bluntly, I was a university librarian, managing a large book warehouse, constantly recording incoming and outgoing books. Occasionally, in my spare time, I would pick out a few books to read.
Beijing's buses were like sardine cans—they looked the same inside, and smelled even more like them, of course, rotten. Every time I got off the bus, it felt like I'd run 3000 meters. When I returned to my empty basement, a strange phone call came in: "Jiang Hai, come to the train station quickly, I've arrived in Beijing." It was Jiang Wei's voice. She had finally come, but three months later.
When I saw Jiang Wei, tears streamed down my face. She had lost a lot of weight. Jiang Wei silently touched my cheek, and we kissed passionately. In the crowded square, I experienced the taste of a passionate kiss again, just like my first kiss.
I took her to a hotel. While she was washing up, I saw the shocking ligature mark on her neck. I learned that she had been confined by her parents since returning home from school, and communication had been cut off. Stubborn as she was, she chose to resist, remaining silent and even going on a hunger strike. She tried to sneak out, but her parents didn't give her the chance. In despair, she hung a rope on the clothesline. Luckily, a neighbor across the street saw her in time. As she told me this, my heart felt like it had been struck a thousand times. Finally, her helpless parents opened the door and let her go. She said she would never forget the despair in her parents' eyes. I stroked her smooth skin and said, "Let's make love." Jiang Wei replied, "Let's make love every day from now on."
Milan Kundera said, "Everyone has an unbearable lightness of being." Who has someone in their life who would give up their life for you, who would travel thousands of miles regardless of everything, just to see you again? I saw Jiang Wei sleeping soundly, and tears streamed down my face again.
When Jiang Wei left home, she only took a few clothes and nothing else. So I took her to buy some necessities, and we even went for a stroll in Xidan. I saw the surprise and envy in her eyes. We even took the subway. Jiang Wei was still cheerful on the way, but I was preoccupied. Night was falling in Beijing, and I was going back to that dark, damp, rat-hole-like place.
Jiang Wei then started tidying up, like a housewife, pointing here and there, saying things like, "We need a mirror here," "We need a dressing table here," and "Oh, and let's paint the walls pink, okay?" I felt nothing but helplessness. In the days leading up to Jiang Wei's arrival, we were inseparable as we started tidying up. We bought a bucket of latex paint and painted the room pink. I even bought her a large mirror. Life was wonderful, but a basement is a basement. Every night, the sounds of footsteps, doors opening and closing, farting, and card games filled the hallway. The snoring and teeth grinding of the fat neighbor next door also pierced our ears without any obstruction. The most embarrassing thing was going to the toilet; hundreds of people were vying for those few stalls in the morning. Jiang Wei once ran back, her face flushed. I asked her what was wrong, and she said the man in the next stall was watching porn and masturbating, and he was flirting with her. Helplessly, I hugged her and said, "I'll try my best to get you out of here as soon as possible." She pushed me away and said, "I'll try my best too." We were always very careful when we made love at night, but that old bed still creaked and groaned incessantly. Jiang Wei always bit her lip, as if I were raping her. But there were also some unrestrained, unbridled sounds echoing in the corridor.
On her fourth day in Beijing, Jiang Wei went to the job market. She found a job much more easily than me; she found a job as a clerk at a magazine on her second try. The base salary was 2000 yuan, with five social insurances and one housing fund, plus a bus allowance. The only problem was that the workplace was far from home, requiring two subway transfers. Jiang Wei was quite satisfied with her new job. On her first day, she came back and told me about the fun things that happened at work. At that time, I was also officially assigned to a new position, and my salary increased to over 3,000 yuan. We decided to go out for a celebratory meal, but when we saw the menu, we hesitated and awkwardly left the restaurant. In the end, we bought some cooked food on the street, and Jiang Wei even bought a bottle of baijiu (Chinese liquor). In that tiny apartment of less than 8 square meters, we drank and reminisced about how we met, got to know each other, and fell in love. After we finished the bottle of baijiu, we went to bed and made love. That night, she screamed loudly and unrestrainedly. The fat guy next door knocked on my partition several times. Jiang Wei whispered in my ear, "It feels so good to scream."
Gradually, winter came to Beijing, and the basement became cold and damp. Jiang Wei and I often woke up from the cold. After waking up, we would make love and hug each other until the alarm clock rang.
During this time, Jiang Wei's parents finally called. Jiang Wei said on the phone that she was now a business manager at a publishing company, earning over 6,000 yuan a month. She said she was doing well too, earning over 4,000 yuan a month, and they rented an apartment in a residential complex where the heating had been on for a while, making the room over 20 degrees Celsius. I listened, feeling ashamed, and lowered my head, because I saw Jiang Wei's hands, red from the cold. Life in Beijing was mundane yet stressful. I didn't give up, working diligently and seizing every opportunity to shine. Finally, after five months, I transferred to the sales department, becoming a salesperson selling educational tutoring materials. This gave me a basement salary, business trip opportunities, and commission. I started planning to move out of that basement and rent a small apartment. Jiang Wei's work wasn't going so well; she quit once and got a job with the same salary, but closer to where she lived.
Our first Spring Festival in Beijing was spent separately. I returned to my poor but harmonious home, while Jiang Wei, amidst my anxieties, returned to her aristocratic family with their villa and luxury cars. I was afraid of being confined to the house again like last time. Jiang Wei confidently told me she wouldn't, then stuck her tongue out at me, implying she could just hang herself again. After the New Year, we took a bus back to Beijing together.
Although we didn't talk on the bus, I could clearly sense Jiang Wei's low spirits. Perhaps a canary shouldn't live in a straw nest. This was the first time, six months after graduation, that I began to doubt my youthful dreams, my Beijing dreams. I suddenly remembered a song by Shui Mu Nian Hua: "Today we're leaving, heading towards the unknown horizon. Are our dreams there? Will they come true? Is our love there? Will they find it?"
Back in Beijing, life went on, nine-to-five. If anything, my work-related social engagements gradually increased, and Jiang Wei began to have a few close female friends. Every time I finished a meal, I would pack up the leftovers, ignoring other people's stares. At that moment, I suddenly remembered the senior student who stole napkins a year ago. People are forced into things.
In the past six months, I've changed a lot. From a proud and arrogant college student, I've become a seasoned and shrewd salesperson. The book "Square and Circle" that my senior gave me is practically falling apart from my constant reading. I've maintained my principled yet flexible approach to life. My relentless efforts finally paid off; I finally became the manager of a small regional office in another city. Jiang Wei has also changed a lot in the past six months. She's no longer the naive and innocent rich girl, but a mature and capable career woman. After suffering a few losses in the office politics, she's learned to be patient and handle things better. Another change we've both experienced is that we've become accustomed to it. We can now casually take our chamber pots to the toilet in the morning without blushing. Perhaps we've both adapted to this kind of life.
On August 8, 2008, the day of the Beijing Olympics, Jiang Wei and I sat in front of the computer watching. The night view of Beijing on TV was breathtaking. I was also in a corner of this city, but it felt completely irrelevant to me.
Jiang Wei, lying on the bed, touched me with her fair feet and said, "Jiang Hai, do you remember what you said to me the first time we met in college?"
I said, "I remember, of course I remember. I said I would marry you on the day of the Beijing Olympics." My heart suddenly ached. Jiang Wei said, "Why don't we get our marriage certificate tomorrow?" I said, "Let's wait until we've saved enough for a down payment on a house."
"No, how about we get it on September 10th?"
"Jiang Hai, do you know why that day?" I didn't turn around, but my heart was breaking. That was the day we met.
Life became easier afterward. We checked, and I had saved 100,000 yuan. We were far from enough for a down payment on a house, but we could get married. We planned to get our marriage certificate secretly.
(IV)
Just a few days before we were about to get our marriage certificate, a phone call completely shattered our dream. Jiang Wei's father was placed under investigation and imprisoned. He would officially retire in a few months.
Jiang Wei booked train tickets that very night. The night before, we were discussing what clothes we should wear and what poses we should strike for our wedding photos. I originally wanted to go back with her, but work at the company was just too busy. In the end, I only saw her off at the train station. When I saw her onto the platform, I never imagined that this time she would never come back from Beijing.
After Jiang Wei left, I lived alone in my bedroom, going to and from work alone. Occasionally, we would talk on the phone. Jiang Wei said her father's condition was unclear and not optimistic. To make matters worse, her mother suffered a stroke due to stress and was hospitalized. I listened to Jiang Wei's anxious and helpless cries, but I was powerless to help. After hanging up the phone, I could only pound my fist against the wall.
After the National Day holiday, I finally managed to take a few days to go back and visit. Jiang Wei's old villa was sealed off, and her car was also blocked. Jiang Wei's mother was in the hospital. When I arrived, her mouth was still crooked, and she couldn't walk. When she saw me, she only nodded slightly. I found a hotel to stay in. A month had passed, and Jiang Wei had lost a lot of weight. I lovingly stroked her cheek; perhaps all of this was too sudden for her to bear. I asked, "How's your father?" Jiang Wei whispered that he was still under investigation and couldn't be seen, but the situation didn't sound very optimistic. I asked, "What about your mother?" Jiang Wei burst into tears again, saying, "It depends on her recovery. Everyone's constitution is different, but we need to plan for the long term." Hearing this, my heart sank. I saw a tear in the corner of her eye, and I couldn't help but kiss her beautiful face. In our brief moment of pleasure, we forgot our unhappiness. Like a greedy child, I wanted to have sex again, but Jiang Wei pushed me away, saying, "No, I have to go back to the hospital to see my mother." I stuffed the donkey-hide gelatin I bought from Beijing into her bag, and she left without even looking at it.
As we parted, I told Jiang Wei that I'd gotten another promotion and might be spending some time in Shenzhen after returning to Beijing. Jiang Wei glanced back at me, her eyes filled with a complex expression I couldn't decipher. Before saying goodbye, I glanced at Jiang Wei's mother again, only to unexpectedly find a young man standing by the window. Jiang Wei introduced him, slightly embarrassed, as her high school classmate and the son of her mother's colleague, who had been helping her a lot lately. I glanced at him again—a fair-skinned, handsome boy.
On the train back to Beijing, the image of Jiang Wei receiving the lunchbox from that boy kept replaying in my mind—so natural, so harmonious. A tightness gripped my chest, and for the first time, I considered quitting my job in Beijing and returning to find Jiang Wei, to spend my life together in this small city. My thoughts were finally interrupted by a text message: "Jiang Hai, don't overthink it. Take care of yourself in Beijing. I'll always love you." It was Jiang Wei; she truly understood me.
After returning to Beijing, I processed Jiang Wei's resignation, sent her personal belongings back, and then went to Shenzhen. Four years have passed, but I still haven't forgotten the scene of my first business trip with the boss. I was finally living this kind of life. I could finally add the words "General Manager" to my business card. The busyness and adaptation of the new job allowed me to temporarily forget the pain of separation from Jiang Wei. Every day was filled with endless meetings, reports, and social engagements. By the time I got back to my accommodation, it was already past midnight. I wanted to video chat with Jiang Wei, but she had already gone offline.
Every time I called to explain, Jiang Wei would helplessly say, "It's okay, I'm busy too." I asked how the case was progressing, and Jiang Wei said, "The trial is about to start. The chances aren't great. I just hope Dad can hold on." My mother is recovering well and has started practicing walking. I said that's good, but I couldn't help asking, "Was that guy at the hospital trying to pursue you?"
I finally heard Jiang Wei laugh. "Hehe, you're not a kid anymore, still jealous? And your reaction time is so slow! Don't overthink it. Didn't I tell you? He's my high school classmate, his mom and my mom are colleagues, and his dad and my dad are comrades-in-arms. He's quite sympathetic to me this time, but our relationship is completely clean." A weight was finally lifted from my heart. I sent Jiang Wei a text message: "My heart only has you, not him."
My mother had asked me several times how Jiang Wei and I were doing lately, and I always said we were doing great, and I'd bring him home for Chinese New Year to make dumplings with her.
Actually, that year, I couldn't go home for Chinese New Year; I stayed in Shenzhen alone. Because I was hit by a car while I was out, fracturing my ribs, Jiang Wei was very disappointed that I didn't come home. She asked if something had happened, and I just smiled and said, "Nothing, just busy with work. By the way, I transferred 10,000 yuan to your card. Is that enough for your mother's medical expenses?" Jiang Wei said, "No need."
Shenzhen is a city I don't understand. It's usually bustling with traffic, but during the Lunar New Year, I hardly saw any people or cars on the streets all day. On New Year's Eve, I called Jiang Wei. I heard a commotion on the other end. I asked where she was, and she said she was at her uncle's house. I heard a middle-aged woman's voice: "Weiwei, come and eat dumplings!" I said, "Are you at your classmate's house?" Jiang Wei was silent for a moment, then said, "Yes, but don't overthink it. I just feel lonely in the hospital, and you're not here with me." I felt a pang of bitterness in my heart, silently.
Jiang Wei's father was sentenced after two years in prison. I don't understand why the Chinese legal system takes two years to reach a verdict. He was ultimately sentenced to 11 years in prison and his property was confiscated. On the day of the trial, I called Jiang Wei. She was sobbing uncontrollably on the other end of the line, pleading with me for the first time: "Jiang Hai, please come back. I can't bear this alone anymore. I long for a shoulder to lean on in the cold night." After hanging up, I booked a flight back to Shandong. Just like she did years ago, I traveled thousands of miles without hesitation, just to see you again.
When I saw Jiang Wei again, I noticed she had lost a lot of weight, weighing only 80 pounds. That night, I touched her thin ribs and said cruelly, "How about I quit my job and come back to be with you?" She blinked her big eyes, looked at me, and said, "Are you willing to do that?" I remained silent. Then I took out the resignation letter I had already written. Jiang Wei, with red eyes, said: "No need. After this busy period, I will go to Beijing with you again." After saying that, she hummed that song, "I love Beijing Tiananmen, the sun rises over Tiananmen."
Every parting was heart-wrenching. I tried hard not to look back at Jiang Wei's tearful eyes, but my own trembling shoulders betrayed me. On the night of our farewell, I promised Jiang Wei, "Wait for me for another year. I'll earn enough money to buy a house in this small town, and then I'll come back and marry you." Jiang Wei said nothing, just hugged me.
In the new year, I worked day and night. All the temptations, all the deceit, were irrelevant to me. What I needed was to make a lot of money. But I overlooked one thing: my communication with Jiang Wei was dwindling. When we finally got through on the phone, we couldn't find anything to talk about. I tried to steer the conversation back to our university days, our time in Beijing. But the other end of the line was like a stagnant pool. My performance finally became the best in the entire company. I finally rose from a junior warehouse keeper to a manager. In
2012, everyone in the world feared the end of the world, but I shouted, "Why didn't the sky fall?" If I had come, I could have died happily with lingering memories, instead of receiving Jiang Wei's text message, "Let's break up." At that moment, my 2012 arrived; my vision went black, and I fainted. The first thing I did when I woke up in the hospital was to pull out the IV and run to the airport. I had imagined myself in a truly horrific situation, wanting to shout and question her, but when I rushed to her house, I heard sorrowful cries, saw cold black-and-white photographs, and saw Jiang Wei crying in someone else's arms.
Jiang Wei's father ended his life with a toothbrush with one end sharpened; I didn't know how to judge it. But when Jiang Wei fainted in someone else's arms, I also wanted to stab my throat with a toothbrush.
I didn't choose to leave; I wanted to fight for myself one more time, for my previous selfishness and irresponsibility. When I met Jiang Wei, she was with that fair-skinned guy. When I saw Jiang Wei say to the guy beside her, "I have some things to take care of; you can go back now, don't worry," my heart sank. I suddenly felt my love had entered its grave. This was a girl who had once chosen to starve herself, even hang herself, to fight for love for me. Her stubborn personality was inherited from her father's fierce nature. I didn't know what right I had to make him change his mind. I could only slap myself hard; blood quickly flowed out, and when it entered my mouth, it still tasted like our first kiss.
We found a hotel, kissed passionately, caressed each other's bodies, and entered each other intensely. Jiang Wei responded passionately, moaning loudly, as if she wanted to make up for all the lovemaking we had missed over the years. We made love again and again, and each time she would bite my earlobe and shout, "I want it!" I also hoped to prolong this blissful time. But I am not God, nor am I a machine. Exhausted, I asked, "Why?"
"What do you think?" This was typical of Jiang Wei's personality.
"I'm sorry, I was too selfish before, too self-centered. I've decided to quit my job and come be with you. We'll buy a house and get married," I pleaded.
After a long silence, I continued, "Jiang Hai, you've always been wrong. I wasn't with him for material things. To be honest, he's helped me a lot these past few years, and I owe him a favor, but that's not the key. The most important thing is that he gave me a sense of security, a sense of responsibility. I didn't see that in you. Now I genuinely want a home, a harmonious home. Jiang Hai, I'm just a woman."
I couldn't argue; I just stood there, blank, my mind empty. Was what I was pursuing wrong? The city had corrupted my brain and body, changed my thinking. Was my city dream, my Beijing dream, wrong?
"Jiang Hai, I hope you'll be happy in the future. I'm sorry, I've changed my mind. We have money together, but I haven't used it. The password is your birthday."
At this point, I didn't know what to say, how to keep him.
I watched Jiang Wei quietly as she changed her shoes at the door, and finally said, "Jiang Hai, if we had gotten married back then, our children would be calling us Mom and Dad. Thank you for being with me through the most beautiful years of my life. Take care."
That's life, that's love, that's life. I returned to Beijing like a dog with its tail between its legs. The city that once filled me with endless longing and passion is now filled with disgust and revulsion. I went back to the company, but my soul didn't return. I lived each day in despair. In the evening, I went back to the little house we used to live in. The rent had gone up again, but I still didn't get a refund. In the quiet night, I chose to huddle in a corner, crying and reminiscing. I also went back to the basement I rented. A couple of recent college graduates had moved in there. When I was lonely, I would secretly go to her social media to see her updates. I learned that she had fallen into a sweet romance again, her mother could walk on her own now, they were engaged, they took wedding photos in beautiful Qingdao, and she was finally getting married on October 10, 2013.
(V)
I sat on the speeding train, the scenery on both sides of the road flashing by. The scenery I saw ten years ago was not like this, because back then it was a slow, green train. I never mustered the courage to give Jiang Wei a gift or a hug. I originally planned to return to Beijing alone, but somehow I ended up on a high-speed train to Qingdao. Like a strange journey ten years ago, the sea breeze was still gentle, the scenery beautiful. Suddenly, I saw myself from ten years ago, right in front of me, followed by a sobbing girl. They boarded the No. 63 bus together.
When I received Jiang Wei's text message, I was searching under a tree next to the school's skating rink. I remember clearly that the year we graduated, Jiang Wei and I buried a glass jar under the small tree five steps from the skating rink, but I found it under the tree four steps away. It was clearly five steps! Before, I wondered if I had taken too big a step or walked too far. Burying the jar was actually a recreation of our "My Sassy Girl" story.
Just then, I received a text message from Jiang Wei: "Old friend, why didn't you come to my wedding today? Are you still in Beijing?"
"Yeah, I'm still here. Too busy, forgot to send you my blessings. It must feel great to finally get married, right? Happy wedding!"
"Thanks, but I saw a man in the distance today who looked a lot like you. I thought it was you, what a disappointment."
I didn't know how to reply. Then another long text message flew in:
"Jiang Hai, I knew you were here today. There's no right or wrong between us. I know you're introverted and not good at expressing yourself. I remember in college, when it got cold, you took off your coat and put it on me, making me warm all over. You, on the other hand, were shivering like an idiot.
And you always brought me water, reminding me to take medicine when I had a cold.
Oh, and do you remember that time at the beach when I lied to you about having a leg cramp, and you jumped into the sea to save me, only to realize you couldn't swim and almost drowned?
We climbed Beijiushui in Laoshan together, and I insisted you carry me up the mountain, your clothes soaked with sweat, but you didn't utter a sound.
And the scene of you fighting with those two guys on the bus for me, your nose bleeding profusely, is still vivid in my mind.
The decision to come to Beijing was a mutual one, there's no right or wrong. Even though we lived in a basement back then, you brought me delicious food every day, scratched my back every day, and stood by the bus stop every day..." Wait for me, my heart is warmed.
By the way, please forgive my rudeness to Qianqian, I was really afraid of losing you. Jianghai, I know you've done everything you could, you've worked so hard to ensure our future. These past years you haven't smoked, haven't drunk, and have never touched other girls, and you've accompanied me to Beijing whenever you have time.
I also thought we would be like this forever. But after experiencing too much, I've changed my mind. Maybe love in black and white is more real than love in vibrant colors. I still envy the girl you could warm her feet with your hands on a cold night. Goodbye Jianghai, goodbye first love.
I watched the text messages coming in one by one on my phone, the beeping sound made my heart ache, tears had already blurred my vision, I hesitated for a long time, and replied: "I'm in Qingdao, I'm opening the jar of secrets we buried back then, do you remember?" There was no reply for a long time.
I opened the can, hesitated for a moment, then opened her little tin box first. The first thing I saw was a brown handkerchief; I remembered it was from Jiang Wei's first time. There was also a small note: "Dear Jiang Hai, if one day I unfortunately become someone else's bride, remember not to be angry, but to bless me. If you are angry, please remember that my tears once burned the back of your hand."
I was stunned, because I clearly remembered my note saying: "Jiang Wei, if one day you unfortunately become someone else's bride, I will bless you, because your tears once burned the back of my hand."
Looking at the old photo of us at the bottom of the box, tears streamed down my face. I sent Jiang Wei my last text message: "Since we parted, I recall our meeting; how many times have my soul and dreams been with you?"
Goodbye, Qingdao.
This summer was hotter than summer itself.
I walked alone on the chilly beach.
The lights had long since dimmed
, and hope had long since faded.
My longing could only be torn to pieces.
This night was darker than night itself.
The bus was filled with the unintentional sweetness of a fragrance.
For the 50th time, I took out my watch to check the time
, but in the distance, I heard the call of a ship.
Goodbye, Qingdao.
This station was more like a station than a station itself.
In the waiting room, someone slept soundly.
For the first time, I lit a pungent cigarette.
In the smoke, I thought that perhaps there was a girl waiting to meet me in the distance.
But at this moment, the train had already pulled into the station.
Goodbye,
Qingdao. Goodbye.
On the beach, are my footprints still deeply embedded
in the waves? Can you still hear my shouts?
Outside the window, the people seeing me off stood in a winding line,
tears streaming down their faces.
Finally, I waved goodbye and said, "
Qingdao, goodbye .
Youth, goodbye."
[The End]

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My girlfriend, who accompanied me through thick and thin, shared my bed and kissed me all those years, has gotten married.

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