Faint smoke and smoke

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-24

Faint Smoke and Fading Flowers, Fleeting Years - Author: Lucifer's Bodyguard

Synopsis:

Mo Yingtian, a boy who discovered his sexuality in middle school. He was insecure, timid, and lacked courage. He shaped Su Yongqi and preserved Zhuo Wenyan. However, he deeply hurt himself.

What hindered Tiantian's pursuit of happiness was his timidity. He wasn't great. But his innate kindness and acquired insecurity made him seem hypocritically great, to the point of making people grit their teeth.

Yet, Su Yongqi and Zhuo Wenyan favored his endearing insecurity. Isn't that ironic?

Youthful years, like flowing water. They will eventually pass, and we will grow old. Once missed, they can't be retrieved. In reality, mutual affection isn't enough.

Love discovered only after loss is certainly worth cherishing. But isn't that newly discovered love often unbearably painful? The saddest thing isn't that two people can't be together, but that after so many breakups and reconciliations, only to discover that he loves Yongqi.

Since you can't get him back, let him go. Why bother understanding, why cling to the past?

Who can see the truth? Only fleeting moments remain, like flowing water. With the years, we grow old.

Fleeting moments, flowing years.

I, Mo Yingtian, fell in love again in my second month of university. The correct way to put it is that I've fallen for someone again—Nan Qingzhu, a senior in the music department, one year ahead of me. He's not particularly handsome, nor is he exceptionally outstanding. But, damn it, I'm hopelessly infatuated with his smile.
A gentle smile, tinged with a hint of helpless indulgence. Of course, the object of his affection isn't me. Yet, it still captivates me so much.
Yes. Perhaps it's because I've always deeply longed for someone to smile at me with that kind of understanding.
I've had a vague feeling about it since middle school. What I've always paid attention to has never been a girl's pretty face or curvaceous body. What drew my gaze was the strong physique of that man. I accepted this fact without much struggle.
And to this day, only my best friend, Su Yongqi, knows about it.
In my second year of high school, one of my crushes found a girlfriend. Back then, I was too young and still felt heartbroken over such things. I vaguely remember drinking a lot and crying my eyes out.
At that time, Yongqi didn't ask anything, silently staying by my side. I couldn't bear it anymore, couldn't bear that feeling of being hidden from the world. So, fueled by alcohol ,
I told Yongqi everything. I turned my head away, unable to look at him. I was even prepared to be beaten up and to break off our friendship. But Yongqi just narrowed his eyes, said nothing, and calmly accepted it. "Yongqi, I've found someone I like again." I told Yongqi while eating, "Nan Qingzhu, a senior in the music department." Yongqi paused in his eating, nodded casually, and continued eating, his attitude completely unpredictable. Seeing his reaction, I couldn't help but laugh. Yongqi is completely different from me. Not only is he handsome, but he also comes from a good family—a real young master. So much so that I've asked myself countless times, since I have such a good man by my side, why haven't I even considered him? Of course, if Yongqi knew my thoughts, he would definitely roll his eyes at me. However, Yongqi is a young master, and his temperament and habits are exactly like one. In a word, cool. Cool, with an arrogant and aloof demeanor. But actually, Yongqi is a very lovable person, especially in everyday life. "Why can't you learn your lesson?" After a long pause, Yongqi finally spoke. He stared straight at me, his face serious. So serious that it made my heart race. "I just like you, what can I do?" I said guiltily, lowering my head to eat. Looking at such a handsome face every day must be exhausting. If Yongqi knew I was blushing, he would definitely be unhappy: "Besides, this time, I know very well that you have a girlfriend. So, I won't have any unrealistic fantasies or be heartbroken... " I looked up and found Yongqi frowning at me. I couldn't help but wonder, "What's wrong?" Yongqi didn't answer, just shook his head and went back to eating. I didn't press the matter. It probably wasn't anything serious, so I continued eating. While eating, I talked about Senior Nan Qingzhu, especially his captivating smile. By the end of the meal, I had completely swooned. Yongqi just listened quietly, without saying a word. It wasn't until I finished clearing away our dishes—I knew a rich young master like Su Yongqi wouldn't do such "delicate" work—and we left the cafeteria together, that he spoke again. "Tian Tian, I have a basketball game at four o'clock this afternoon," Yongqi said casually, looking ahead. I turned my head to look at his profile, puzzled. Basketball? I wasn't interested in basketball. Then, Yongqi added, "With the music department." My eyes lit up instantly. The music department… Senior Nan is the captain of the music department's basketball team. There was no way he wouldn't be there. The thought of seeing Senior Nan, maybe even seeing him play basketball, made my voice tremble with excitement. But if I just ran to watch, I could only watch from the stands, three or four meters above the court, and wouldn't be able to get close to the court at all. Thinking of this, I turned around and looked hopefully at the basketball team members beside me. Yongqi, please, take me to the sidelines… Perhaps my gaze was too obvious. Yongqi glared at me, looking exasperated, and said, "Okay, I'll take you . " "Wow, Yongqi is the best!" Overjoyed, I jumped onto Yongqi. Naturally, this attracted many surprised and envious glances from those around us. "You... only say I'm good at times like this," Yongqi said, affectionately ruffling my hair. I grinned foolishly under Yongqi's hand. Yes, Yongqi is the best. He's my friend, the only one who completely understands me. Only in front of him can I entrust myself without reservation and tell him everything in my heart. Having Yongqi as a friend is the best gift God has given me. Anyway, I didn't have class in the afternoon, so I simply followed Yongqi to the basketball court early. "Early" is a bit of a stretch, but it was actually almost three o'clock. "Yongqi, over here!" Someone waved to Yongqi from afar. When they saw me, they paused slightly: "Who's this?" "Ah, um, I'm Mo Yingtian, a friend of Yongqi's. I wanted to come watch the game. Hello, senior." I quickly bowed and greeted him. However, my natural inclination to admire handsome men made me steal glances at him. The person in front of me wasn't as tall as Yongqi, but he was a bit thinner. From a distance, he looked about the same height as Yongqi. Bright eyes, smiling lips. This person reminded me more of Senior Nan."Oh, you're Tiantian! I'm Meng Hun, captain of the Chinese Literature Department's basketball team. Feel free to come visit!"

God knows I'm completely defenseless against handsome guys' smiles. When a really handsome guy smiles at me, my brain freezes instantly. Honestly, it's perfectly normal that
I wasn't attracted to Yongqi. Because Yongqi hardly ever smiles. I stood there dumbfounded, I don't know if I drooled or not. But probably not. Even when Yongqi pulled me back to his side with an unfriendly expression, Meng Hun was still smiling brightly. Even after being glared at by Yongqi, Meng Hun's smile remained unchanged: "Yongqi, go inside and change. We need to start practicing." "Okay." Yongqi casually replied, then pulled me towards the changing room. He looked a little angry. He must think I embarrassed him. But, it's not my fault. I'm naturally prone to infatuation. He knows that. "Tiantian." There were only the two of us in the changing room. He suddenly called my name, which startled me. "Wh-what...uh..." Um, I think I looked really stupid staring at Yongqi like that. But, however, Yongqi's physique is really, really good. Although I've seen naked men in the dorm before, these days, someone with a physique like Yongqi is truly rare. Hmm, Yongqi is really handsome... While I was staring intently at Yongqi's bare upper body, drooling, he suddenly leaned down. His slightly long hair brushed against my face, making me freeze in fear, completely unable to move. Yongqi, on the other hand, was just trying to get his clothes. His jersey was unfortunately behind me. Seeing Yongqi put on the jersey, I finally snapped out of it: "Hmm, Yongqi, your physique is amazing. I was completely mesmerized." "I have been practicing." Yongqi glanced at me, as if I had asked a stupid question. Perhaps it was because I had looked so desperate earlier, but Yongqi raised an eyebrow and asked a question that made me want to die: "Want to touch?" "No, no, no, no, thank you." My face must have been burning, and I frantically shook my head and waved my hands. Yongqi, I know it was rude of me to stare at you with my mouth watering. But you're the one who brought me in. You bear some responsibility, don't you? "Yongqi, stop messing with me!" Yongqi looked at me for a while before nodding and continuing to change his pants. This time, I learned my lesson and kept my head down, looking at my toes. No matter what, there was no way I would lay a hand on Yongqi. Just kidding, I cherish him as a friend and don't want to lose him. I know Yongqi has absolutely no interest in romance. In all these years, I've never seen him have a girlfriend. Lay a hand on him? I'm not asking for trouble. If I really did anything to Yongqi, forget his personal guards, Yongqi would be the first to chop me up. Just look at his attitude towards the girls who confessed to him. "Tiantian, let's go." Yongqi's voice had barely come when he pulled me up. I followed behind him, sighing inwardly, "Tyrant." Once we left the locker room, we could see the competition venue. Because there was still half an hour before the official start of the match, there weren't many people on the field or in the stands . I spotted Senior Nan from afar. I quickly tried to shake off Yongqi's hand, but Yongqi held my wrist tightly, dragging me to Senior Nan's side. He spoke softly, "Senior Nan, I'm Su Yongqi, a freshman in the Literature Department. Nice to meet you in this game." " Oh, you're Su Yongqi? I've heard a lot of people mention you. My name is Nan Qingzhu, you know that now, right? I'm really looking forward to this game." Senior Nan said, tilting his head and smiling slightly. Seeing Senior Nan's smile, my chest felt a surge of heat. Indeed, Senior Nan's smile was the most captivating. His gentle smile truly had a talent for bewitching. At least, I was completely powerless to resist. "Um, Su Yongqi, is he your friend? Or one of your reserve players?" I was startled, only then realizing that Senior Nan was smiling at me. "Ah, hello senior. I'm Mo Yingtian, a freshman in the Chinese Literature Department, and I'm Su Yongqi's friend. I really like basketball, but I'm not tall enough. So, Yongqi brought me to watch the game." * Waaah, Yongqi, don't glare at me! I didn't mean to lie.* "Of course we welcome Su Yongqi's friend. Don't be so nervous, I secretly brought my girlfriend too." Hearing Senior Nan say this, I couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed. First, because I heard he brought his girlfriend. Second, because he compared me to his girlfriend. Does that mean I'm Yongqi's… *that*?* Cold sweat. No, I can't let him get that kind of impression. " How can I compare to your girlfriend? If she hears me, she'll pinch me!" I stuck out my tongue and laughed. " I'm not that petty, kid." A cheerful female voice came from behind me. Before I could understand what was happening, a warm, soft body was on my back. I was immediately at a loss. "Oh, you're blushing already, so cute." "Jing." At the same time, Yongqi finally kindly helped me peel the girl off my back. "Jing, why are you still so naughty? Look at you, you scared the junior." Senior Nan caught the girl, saying this, but his eyes and smile were gentle and doting. The girl naturally wrapped her arms around Senior Nan's neck, smiling mischievously. That scene stung my eyes and my heart. No matter how gentle Senior Nan was, that tolerance and doting wasn't for me. The heartache belatedly spread, but I couldn't even walk away. I suddenly doubted whether I could really be satisfied just by looking, as I said. It sounds beautiful. But, if I really faced it…? "Ah, this is Su Yongqi, this is Mo Yingtian. This is my girlfriend, Pan Jing." I nodded. I'd actually seen that girl before; she was next to Senior Nan. Yongqi just nodded casually, still looking cool. I could only manage a forced "Hello, senior, nice to meet you." Pan Jing looked at Yongqi and me with interest. I couldn't help but feel a little awkward. Fortunately, Meng Hun loudly called Yongqi and Senior Nan to come onto the field for training. I breathed a sigh of relief when they left. At least I didn't have to see my senior looking at someone else so tenderly. "Um... senior, I'm going back to the literature department too, I won't bother you anymore." I didn't want to stay with this woman. She was my rival. "Hey, don't walk so fast. You can see better from here. Stay here and keep me company." Unexpectedly, Pan Jing grabbed my hand and hugged it to her chest. My face must have started to turn pale. Helpless, I could only stay. I was a little... unwilling. "Senior, I'll stay, please don't do this.""Please let go..." "Ugh, don't press your chest against me, it's disgusting! " "What's the big deal? You and Su Yongqi are friends? You seem so different. I often hear people talk about him, he's so handsome. And just like the rumors say, so cool. I wonder if his family is rich. Are you and Yongqi very close friends? How close are you..." A barrage of questions left me practically speechless. I could only force a smile and answer every question.

"Xiaotian, Xiaotian, when and where did you meet Yongqi?" The senior asked excitedly.

"Uh, in third grade. Yongqi's shoelaces came undone, but he didn't know how to tie them back, and he tripped three times during one break. Later, I helped him tie his shoelaces, and that's how we met."

Yongqi, that guy, is a complete life idiot.

"Oh... so, Xiaotian, does Yongqi have a boyfriend or girlfriend?" The senior seemed even more excited. She probably hadn't met the young master before. If the senior liked Yongqi... no, no! How could I think like that? He would be sad. So, it's such a dilemma.

"Yongqi has never had a girlfriend since he was little. Boyfriend... uh, he does have a few male friends." So, just give up.

But after hearing my answer, the senior's expression became even more excited, and she wanted to ask more. I couldn't help but be a little stunned. This senior is so scary.

"Senior, the game is about to start!"

As if to prove me right, a sharp whistle blew across the court.

The game had finally begun. And Senior Pan Jing finally let go of my hand, turning her attention to the court. I tried to ignore the screams of the girls in the stands and started watching the game too. At first, I could only see the figures on the court. But soon, I recognized everyone. At the same time, I finally understood why girls loved watching basketball games so much. Because the way those guys looked and moved on the court

was just so incredibly cool!

The not-so-outstanding senior Nan, standing on the field, was surprisingly handsome, no less so than Yongqi! Running, stealing the ball, shooting, layups… every time he succeeded, he would wave and smile in my direction. Even though I knew it wasn't for me, I couldn't help but be captivated.

Following behind you, chasing your figure. That's enough. I should say, that's how I've always been.

I won't bother you; letting myself suffer alone is enough. Forbidden feelings, unspeakable sorrow. Watching your figure, I gained direction, but also lost the courage to chase. Because the person in your eyes isn't me…?

"Ah! Yongqi!" The senior student next to me and the girls in the audience suddenly screamed, startling me.

Yongqi? What happened to Yongqi? I turned my head blankly, searching for him. The moment I saw him, my heart skipped a beat. Yongqi had not only been knocked to the ground, but his right hand was also cut open, blood flowing everywhere.

How could he be so careless! Damn it! Instinctively, I grabbed the first-aid kit next to me and rushed over. Pushing aside the people surrounding Yongqi, I took out clean gauze and pressed it against the wound.

"Su Yongqi! What happened to you? You can bleed while playing basketball?! You, how can you be so stupid?!"

Looking at the gauze gradually turning blood-stained, I suddenly felt an urge to cry. Why, after all these years, does he still not know how to take care of himself? He acts so indifferent, leaving himself in such a mess. He knows I can't stand seeing others hurt, yet he still chooses to make me sad.

"Tian Tian, I'm sorry, I was distracted." Yong Qi's apology only made me more heartbroken and angry.

"Come on! No matter how you apologize, it's useless! I took such good care of you, and you still got hurt, what am I to you?!"

"I'm sorry, Tian Tian, I'm sorry." Yong Qi said softly, looking dizzy, and leaned his head on my shoulder.

Fortunately, Yong Qi's hand injury wasn't very deep. After pressing it for a while, the bleeding gradually stopped. I quickly bandaged Yong Qi's wound. However, Yong Qi refused to leave the field to rest no matter what. I couldn't do anything about it, so I looked to Meng Hun and Senior Nan for help.

"Never mind, if Yong Qi says he's fine, then he really isn't. Yong Qi won't pretend to be strong." Meng Hun finally said.

"Yeah. Actually, it's not entirely Yongqi's fault. It's also wrong of our team to wear rings on the field. Just be more careful later." As Senior Nan said this, he glared at the person who had bumped into Yongqi. I could only nod and run back to the sidelines.

For the rest of the time, my eyes followed Senior Nan's figure while anxiously searching for Yongqi. Watching the game became quite a chore. Moreover

, it was one thing for Senior Nan to wave this way, but sometimes when Yongqi successfully attacked and turned back to meet my gaze, he would slightly raise an eyebrow and nod at me, as if to say, "Don't worry." Even Meng Hun and the person who bumped into Yongqi kept glancing this way for some reason. The senior next to me could still scream without a care, but I gradually couldn't stand it anymore.

Good heavens, the four most eye-catching people on the field were looking this way, and even all the girls in the field were looking this way suspiciously, making me extremely tense
. In
this
situation, Nan's gentle gaze, though directed at me, felt particularly unbearable.

The current situation left me feeling incredibly distressed and embarrassed. I

lingered for a final, greedy look at Nan's agile figure, then left the gymnasium when no one was watching.

Indeed, I shouldn't have shown it. Even if no one suspected anything, a single, innocent word or glance would scare me into hiding, unable to face the gazes of those around me.

It's enough. Although I told myself it was enough to just watch, although I told myself that, seeing him smile at others made my heart ache. Every time he smiled... It felt like a knife had been slashed across my heart; it hurt so much…

I hate myself for not holding back. Every time I saw the person I liked smiling at or being kind to someone else, I silently withdrew.

Since there was no one around in the dense forest, I simply squatted down and cried my heart out. In the end, I couldn't even tell if I couldn't stand other people's stares or the way Nan-senpai was being kind to others. Maybe it was both.

Suddenly, I felt so pathetic. Why did I like him? Why did I love him? Love that's destined to be unrequited, unrequited love, only brings heartbreak and no reward. In the end, there's only pain. Maybe I should just stop falling in love.

"Tiantian! Tiantian!" Hearing Yongqi's familiar call, I rushed over without hesitation and threw myself into his arms, bursting into tears.

"Su Yongqi, you did this on purpose! You deliberately brought me here so I could see Senior Nan and Senior Sister... Why did you bully me! You bastard! Su Yongqi, you big bastard!"
"Yes, I did it on purpose, I'm a bastard."

Unexpectedly, Yongqi nodded, answering like that. I was stunned and looked up at him. Yongqi picked up the hem of his shirt and wiped my tears.

"Tiantian, don't cry. I just want you to know that the sooner you give up, the more it hurts."

"I know, I've always known! But, Yongqi, how could you be so cruel? Knowing I can't even express my feelings, knowing I can only watch from the sidelines, why didn't you even give me that chance! Su Yongqi, I hate you!"

I looked at Yongqi, hoping for an explanation. But in the end, he only opened his mouth as if to speak, saying nothing.

I was truly angry. Why, why does Su Yongqi have the right to control my feelings! I pushed his hand away, glared at his stunned expression, and ran away.

"Tiantian, Tiantian! Wait, wait a minute, Tiantian!""

Whatever, whatever! You might as well just fall and die!?"

I ran out of the dense forest. Not watching where I was going resulted in a careless step and a hard collision with someone. I was stunned for a moment, then quickly apologized. Damn it, how stupid of me. It's all Su Yongqi's fault!?"

"Hey, Tiantian, are you alright?"

Just as I was about to run away again, someone grabbed my arm. I was confused; who else but Su Yongqi would call me Tiantian? I

looked up in surprise and saw the person who had grabbed me. He looked familiar. I vaguely remembered him as the boy who had bumped into Yongqi during the game.
" Wenyan, what's wrong… Ah, Yingtian, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" A familiar, heart-stirring voice came from behind the boy. It was Senior Nan! Senior Nan was looking at me with genuine concern. Just that was enough to make my heart race with joy. I still really liked him. Even knowing that he liked Senior Pan, my feelings hadn't changed. "I'm fine. By the way, Senior, how did the game go?" I quickly wiped away my tears, not wanting to embarrass myself in front of him. "Because Su Yongqi suddenly ran away during the competition, we won." Senior Nan shrugged, a smile on his face. He also considerately didn't press me about why I was crying, which reassured me a little. "Hey, Tiantian, how about this? You come celebrate with us, okay? Ah, my name is Zhuo Wenyan, I'm your senior." The boy who had been holding my arm suddenly interjected, "Anyway, just treat it as dinner." "This… isn't really appropriate. After all, I'm a Chinese literature major." I said guiltily. Actually, I knew very well that what bothered me wasn't such a small thing. I just simply didn't want to see Senior Nan and Senior Pan being affectionate. "Yeah, Yingtian, you come too. I've already been dumped by Jing, don't let you reject me too." Senior Nan joked, completely unaware that my eyes lit up while listening. "Senior Nan, isn't Senior Pan celebrating with you guys?" I asked carefully, pretending to be casual . "Yeah. She heard about some limited edition book and ran off with me. Sigh, women." Senior Nan complained, half-jokingly. Hearing Senior Nan's "complaint," I couldn't help but laugh, a warm feeling welling up in my chest. At least, I could stay by Senior Nan's side like this, getting closer to him little by little. Besides, Zhuo Wenyan kept holding my hand. So, I nodded readily. There were fourteen people celebrating, including me. Eight were basketball team members, and five were girls. Apart from Senior Pan, only Zhuo Wenyan and a freshman named Abang were single. I wonder if the basketball team or the music department is particularly popular. Strange, wasn't it supposed to be me... Is the male-to-female ratio at our school that bad...? Everyone on Nan's team is easy to get along with. Even Zhuo Wenyan, who bumped into Yongqi, turns out to be a really nice person once you get to know him. I believe he really didn't bump into Yongqi on purpose. Although Zhuo Wenyan has a slightly cynical personality, he's a rare find—a handsome guy with long hair, whom I admire. We went off-campus for drinks, to a private room at a bar. I'm not usually a big drinker. But because they kept egging me on, and Nan was smiling at me, I ended up forcing myself to drink quite a bit. Zhuo Wenyan, on the other hand, helped me down some. So, when I received Yongqi's call around 8 PM, I was already completely out of it: "Hey~ Oh, Yongqi…" "Tiantian, who is it ? Su Yongqi? Tell him to come over and play. " Amidst the commotion, Zhuo Wenyan leaned over and spoke to me from behind. His breath, carrying the scent of alcohol, tickled my neck. I giggled and pulled my head back. "Wenyan-ge, stop it! Senior Nan, Wenyan-ge is bullying me! He even bothered me when I was on the phone with Yongqi! Haha, no more, Senior Nan!" "You, you won't even call me by my name, I won't help you." Senior Nan had also drunk quite a bit and came over to roughly ruffle my hair. I was so busy playing around with them that I didn't notice the long silence on the other end of the phone before a voice finally came through: "Tiantian, you've been drinking?! Who are you with, and where are you now?" "Me? I'm with Senior Nan… Ah, Senior, I'm sorry, Ah, Brother Nan, stop ruffling my hair, I need to talk on the phone. I'm drinking with Brother Nan, Brother Wenyan, and them at Qihuan Road. Um, Yongqi, come join us too! Come on… Hehe…" "Okay, I'm coming. Which room are you in?" For some reason, Yongqi's voice sounded a bit strained. "Uh, I think it's 106. Hurry up and come over. Otherwise, I won't want you, hehe." I hung up the phone with a silly grin. "Wow, Xiaotian, you're so close to that cool Su Yongqi, and you can even threaten him. You, you're amazing, I admire you!" Brother Nan continued to ruffle my hair: "Xiaotian, your relationship with Su Yongqi is really... good." I shook my head, shook my head again and again, nestled in Brother Nan's arms and giggled, taking the opportunity to get some attention. "No way. That Su Yongqi guy is a jerk, a big jerk. I'm not close to him, I don't like him. I like Brother Nan, I like him the most. Brother Nan, I love you." "Wow, Tiantian, you're so biased! Tiantian, you like Azhu, but not me? I'm the one who brought you out to play, you're so biased. Tell me, do you like me or not?!" Zhuo Wenyan pulled me out of Brother Nan's arms and asked seriously. I laughed and kissed him on the cheek: "I like you, hehe... I like you, the handsome guy with long hair. Hehe..." "Yingtian~" "Little Ying~" "Tiantian~" Jokes and discontented voices rang out from all around, making me laugh even more unrestrainedly. "I like you, I like you all. You're all handsome guys, hehe. You all have great figures. Girls, I don't dare to like girls, they're all taken. Hmm, so I just like boys." Should I be glad that I'm not completely drunk yet? "Xiao Tian, you're so biased. We both like each other, but you kissed Wen Yan but not me." I looked up at Brother Nan's eyes, which shone brightly with alcohol, and my face flushed. Then, I did the boldest thing I'd ever done—I tilted my head back and kissed Brother Nan's warm lips. Cheers erupted around us , but I was only captivated by Brother Nan's alcohol-scented lips. When I released Brother Nan, I turned around and saw Yong Qi standing in the doorway. I looked at him and smiled innocently like a child. "Yong Qi... Ugh, Yong Qi bullies me, I hate it. But, Yong Qi has such a good body... Yong Qi, I want to touch it." Yong Qi walked up to me and slapped me across the face without expression. I froze, and everyone around me froze too. The spot where I was hit throbbed. Instinct told me that Yong Qi was angry. But...I didn't know why Yongqi was angry. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked up at him innocently. "Yongqi, you hit me...it hurts!" I wanted to cry, I really wanted to cry. Yongqi was angry. Yongqi was angry with me... "Tiantian, you're drunk. Come back with me." Yongqi held out his hand to me, his face frosty. I blinked, staring at him intently. To be honest, this side of Yongqi scared me a little. But if I didn't listen to him, he would be even angrier. I obediently broke free from Zhuo Wenyan's embrace and stumbled into Yongqi's arms. Yongqi's expression finally softened a bit.

"I'm taking him with me." Yongqi said this and pulled me away. I only had time to say "Goodbye" to Brother Nan.

Yongqi held me in his arms and walked out. Nestled in his embrace, I felt a familiar, nostalgic feeling—it was so comforting.

Feeling Yongqi's presence in that cherished embrace, I didn't even know when I fell asleep
.
"

Ugh, why is the bed so narrow?" I muttered to myself, annoyed. I rolled over with my eyes closed and bumped into a warm wall... Uh, a pillow?

This pillow was a bit big and took up a lot of space. But it felt really nice. Just the right firmness, smooth and warm... Wait, what pillow is warm...?

I carefully opened my eyes and saw a chest that I really wanted to touch. My saliva almost dripped down my throat. It was Yongqi.

Smelling the smell of alcohol on him, I covered my head and let out a soft moan.

I actually kissed Brother Nan last night. The only saving grace was that we were all drunk yesterday, so no one should take my words seriously. And Yongqi also... He stopped me in time. I just don't know if he's still angry.

My head hurts a little. I guess I drank yesterday.

The sky is still gray and not yet bright. I can't stand the smell on my body, so I decided to take a shower before coming back to sleep. However, Yongqi stopped me.

I laughed. I didn't expect Yongqi to have such a cute habit of sleeping with a pillow.

After finally getting away and taking a shower, I couldn't fall asleep. So I snuggled in bed and looked at Yongqi's sleeping face.

I have to admit, Yongqi is really handsome, with a charm that makes people go crazy for him. Such a handsome face, such a beautiful body. Up close, it's even more enough to make one blush and have their heart race.

Yongqi, how come you're sleeping like this in front of me, so unguarded?
I
mustered up my courage and reached out to touch Yongqi's firm chest, and chuckled softly. Yongqi. Only Yongqi, after knowing my sexual orientation, doesn't mind at all and treats me the same as usual.

"Yongqi, actually, I like you too."

I reached out and touched his hair, which had grown long at some point. It was soft and so cute.

I stared blankly at Yongqi's sleeping face. It wasn't until he woke up and opened his bright eyes to look at me that my face suddenly flushed.

I was worried he disliked me staring at him, and also worried he was still angry.

However, Yongqi didn't seem upset. He squinted, reached out his left hand and touched my cheek, gently stroking it, and asked in a slightly hoarse voice, "I'm sorry, Tiantian, does it still hurt?"

I was stunned, my eyes welled up, and I suddenly felt an urge to cry. Every time I did something wrong, in the end, I would apologize... But he always used Yongqi.

I was so touched that I rushed over and hugged Yongqi: "Yongqi, you're so good, why have I never fallen for you?"

I thought Yongqi would glare at me. But he didn't. Yongqi just sighed softly and said in a voice devoid of emotion, "Yes, why, why have you never fallen for me... Okay, get up, this is the dormitory."

I sat on the bed, staring blankly as Yongqi went to take a shower.

I don't know why, but my chest felt tight, and I had a feeling of heartache. It was like, like the feeling I had when I saw Senior Nan smiling at Senior Pan. Why did my heart ache... The things that hurt me weren't there at all.
"Ah, Yingtian, you're awake." My roommate Huang Bin sat up in bed to greet me. "You were really drunk yesterday."

"I went drinking yesterday. I'm so sorry for causing you trouble." I apologized obediently.

"No, no, I was already asleep when you got back anyway. But you should try not to drink so much, it's not good for your health, and besides, you're really troubling Yongqi, he took care of you all night."

Su Yongqi, it's Su Yongqi again. Hearing his name, my heart inexplicably started racing. So

annoying, so annoying. So, I ignored Huang Bin's words and slammed the door shut. Annoying, my heart is in turmoil.

In a daze, I felt a little hungry. Then I remembered that I drank a lot of alcohol last night but didn't eat anything. No wonder I'm hungry now.

I thought about it and decided to go to the cafeteria for breakfast.

In the cafeteria, I ran into senior Meng Hun, who was out for a run early in the morning. Seeing a handsome guy with a bright and sunny disposition in the morning made me feel a little better.

"Senior Meng Hun, you're up so early exercising! You're really dedicated. Um, may I sit here?"

Since Senior Meng Hun was alone and seemed to be in a good mood, I boldly placed my food plate opposite him.

Senior Meng Hun looked up, saw it was me, and smiled, saying, "Sure, Ying Tian, a rare sight indeed.
"
I laughed too. I hadn't expected Senior Meng Hun to be such a humorous and fun person. However, the phrase "a feast for the eyes" would probably be more fitting if it came from me.

Thinking this, I politely sat down and began to devour the fried dough sticks in front of me. Senior Meng Hun glanced at me a few times, then lowered his head and went to eat his breakfast.

He didn't ask anything. He didn't mention yesterday's competition, nor did he mention Yongqi. I inexplicably breathed a sigh of relief, and my mood lightened even more.

I wonder about Yongqi… Damn it, why did I think of that guy again?

Senior Meng Hun and I sat facing each other, quietly eating our breakfast.

Senior Meng Hun kept his head down, concentrating on his bowl of ramen. With my fried dough stick in hand, I had the opportunity to openly stare at him.

From his appearance, Senior Meng Hun seemed like a rather gentle person. But after seeing how he ate, one could tell that deep down, he definitely had a hearty and straightforward personality. I should say, he's quite handsome.

"Tian Tian! Oh, Tian Tian, you're having breakfast with Meng Hun? Hehehe, so early~"

It was a very pleasant, melodious contralto voice. But why did I feel like I was about to spit out a mouthful of blood after hearing it? But at this point, I had no choice but to accept my fate. I put down the bowl of milk in my hand, rolled my eyes, and turned around.

"Good morning, senior."

"Oh, Tian Tian, you're such a good girl. Not content with Yong Qi, you kissed Wen Yan and A Zhu last night, and now you're being fickle again~?" Senior
Pan smiled slyly at me. I had no mood to pay attention to her. Only Brother Nan remained in front of me. "Se-Senior." I lowered my head slightly, bowing even lower, and greeted Brother Nan guiltily. What should I do if he minds what happened last night…? "Why are you calling me 'senior' again? We were calling each other 'big brother' yesterday." Brother Nan smiled, still with that gentle smile, clearly not bothered at all by the kiss I gave him yesterday. While I breathed a sigh of relief, a deep sense of loss welled up inside me. He didn't care… he didn't even consider me that kind of person… "Hey, Tiantian, if you're planning to kiss me again, you have to tell me, okay? I absolutely have to take a picture!"" Senior Sister Pan was excitedly talking to herself. Brother Nan looked at her, smiling helplessly and indulgently. Before my heart ached, I couldn't help but be speechless. This senior sister is strange. It's just breakfast, yet she's making such a fuss over it."

Facing Brother Nan, my heartache subsided considerably; I could even bear his smile towards Sister Pan. I suppose the outcome will be the same as before.

Unconsciously chasing someone, falling in love with him, then heartache, then numbness, and then back to square one.

This is my love, a recurring, laughable, and fruitless cycle. After breakfast, because of
a
different schedule, I walked alone to the lecture hall. From afar, I saw a crowd gathered in front of the notice board. I've always been a curious child, so I couldn't help but follow the flow of people.

Just one glance, and I broke out in a cold sweat.

It was a photo of me and Yongqi. The photo of me crying in Yongqi's arms in the woods yesterday.

The photo was clearly taken from a distance with a zoomed-in lens. Even Yongqi, facing the camera, was blurry. But he was easily recognizable in his jersey. Luckily, I was facing away from the camera. No one—at least not yet—recognized me.

Posting the photo... The news agency members who came even called my silhouette "the mysterious girl," "Su Yongqi's secret lover," and "the culprit behind Su Yongqi's mid-match exit."

Looking at that photo, my hands and feet turned ice-cold; I had no heart to listen to the discussions around me. Like an escape, I hid in the empty lecture hall.

The dark lecture hall was empty except for me. I lay on the desk, trembling all over.

What if they found out I was gay…

No! This kind of thing, this kind of thing! I didn't even dare to think about "what if." If they found out, I couldn't stay at school, I couldn't stay at home, I couldn't stay in society…

I've never thought that liking men was wrong. Yes, it's a disease. But that's what society thinks! Everyone thinks homosexuality is dirty and perverted.

I don't know how long I stayed in the dark lecture hall before a classmate walked in, chatting and laughing, and turned on the main power switch.

The lights suddenly came on. I forced myself to calm down. I think my face was still a little pale, and my hands were still trembling. However, no one noticed my abnormality. In fact, everyone who entered the lecture hall was excitedly discussing the photo.

I took a deep breath, suppressing the fear in my heart.

I picked up my textbook and pen and went straight to the first row, asking He Riwu, who was sitting there alone, "Excuse me, He Riwu, could you please tell me..." "Can I sit next to you?"

He Riwu was startled, like a frightened rabbit. She looked up at me, blushed, nodded hastily, and then lowered her head again.

Actually, I didn't mean to scare her. The name He Riwu gave off the impression of a pampered young lady. But in reality, she was an introverted and kind girl. She wasn't good at expressing herself, and it seemed that quite a few people in the class laughed at her for being strange.

It must have been the first time someone had offered to sit next to her in class. However, I wanted to avoid Yongqi. Besides, I didn't want to say anything.

The seat to my right was quickly taken. A boy, also surnamed He, named He Dongping. As soon as he sat down, he looked at me and smiled.

"Hey, Yingtian, did you look at the photos posted on the bulletin board?" He Dongping asked mysteriously. "
No. I saw so many people, so I didn't push my way through. What's wrong?" I asked casually, while secretly observing his reaction. "Didn't you see? Hey, let me tell you, Su Yongqi actually got a girlfriend! Seriously, he didn't even tell us a thing, that's so unbrotherly. I heard he left the game at a crucial moment yesterday because of that girl. But then again, Su Yongqi's girlfriend must be really pretty. Next time, I'll definitely force him to introduce her..." He Dongping was still muttering something, but I couldn't hear anything anymore, I just let out a long sigh. Thank goodness, thank goodness he didn't recognize me. If even He Dongping couldn't recognize me, then who else would? The chances were naturally even lower. Yongqi rushed into the lecture hall as the bell rang. The professor was already standing at the podium. I don't know what Yongqi had been doing, he was covered in sweat. When he ran in, he saw me sitting in the first row, paused, and seemed about to say something. But before he could speak, the delighted professor shooed him to a seat at the back of the classroom. I barely listened to a word the entire morning. Lunch break finally arrived, and I quickly packed my things, wanting to leave as soon as possible. Unexpectedly, Yongqi blocked my way. "Su Yongqi, please move aside, I'm hungry, I want to go eat." Yongqi was directly in front of me, blocking my view. But I still noticed the curious gazes of my classmates, and I became even more flustered: "Yongqi, please move aside. " Yongqi stared at me intently, saying nothing. Only when I lowered my head, unable to bear his gaze any longer, did he grab my wrist and drag me away from the lecture hall. I struggled, but Yongqi held on tighter, even turning back to glare at me. I simply didn't have the courage to be involved with him in public. So, I could only follow him, stumbling forward. Afraid of being photographed, I kept my head down and shoulders hunched. But I knew that being dragged along like this by Yongqi would mean my name would be known by the afternoon. There was nothing I could do; Yongqi was simply too famous. Yongqi didn't want to make a scene. He pulled me back to the dormitory and slammed the door shut. "Tiantian, why were you avoiding me this morning?" Yongqi turned around, looking directly at me, asking earnestly. His serious expression made me feel like I was in the wrong. Yes, I'm timid. But it's not my fault. I absolutely will not apologize! "Yongqi, from now on, let's not get so close. I... I can't bear being around you, and..." "Is it because of that photo?" Yongqi grabbed my shoulder, suddenly interrupting me. I was startled and looked up at him. Yongqi also frowned at me: "Just because of a photo, you're going to break off all ties with me? What am I to you anyway! Tiantian, calm down, no one will recognize you. Even if they do, so what! What are you afraid of!" I was stunned. I never expected Yongqi to say that. I suddenly felt a chill run down my spine. Doesn't he understand...? I angrily pushed away Su Yongqi's hand, but remained absolutely calm. I believed I was calm enough. I looked coldly at Yongqi. "Really? You think there's no problem? Okay, very good. Su Yongqi, I'm not you. I'm not as good as you, nor as arrogant. You don't care, but I do! Because you're not gay, you simply won't understand what I'm afraid of! I can't bear it, I can't bear any attention. It's all of you who forced me to admit that I'm a pervert! I can't attract any attention from others, do you understand! Su Yongqi, all these years I've lived in fear, afraid that if I take even the slightest wrong step, I'll be discovered and fall into eternal damnation. I thought you would understand. But... you're not gay, and you're too good, too reckless. Someone like you is arrogant, proud, has character, and isn't afraid of falling. But I'm different from you, really different. I'm afraid. I'm very ordinary, I have absolutely no right to rebel against the world."Su Yongqi stared at me, just staring blankly, as if he were meeting me for the first time today. After a long while, he finally spoke softly, "Tiantian, has this always been how you've thought of me? I...Tiantian, I'm sorry."

His voice held a heartbreaking sense of helplessness and despair. I wearily closed my eyes, nodded, then shook my head
. "Yongqi, I really can't stay this close to you anymore. You're too eye-catching. And in college, if someone like you doesn't have a girlfriend, everyone will find it strange. Don't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong, I was just too timid." I stubbornly kept my eyes closed, and then I heard the door close. I swore I wouldn't cry. But I really couldn't figure out whether the world was isolating me, or I was isolating the world. All afternoon, I shrank back... In my dorm, I huddled under my blanket, skipping class. It was a way of sorting out my feelings. At first, I was lost in thought, but then I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up, it was already dusk. Huang Bin wasn't there, and the whole world before me was bathed in the warm orange glow of the setting sun. Looking out the window, I could see couples whispering sweet nothings on the lawn. I couldn't stand it, so I left the dorm and wandered aimlessly. I wandered until it was completely dark, and then, without realizing it, I ended up in front of the gymnasium. What was I expecting? I chuckled to myself. I twitched my lips. Even if we did meet, what difference would it make… The lights were on in the gymnasium. I followed the path Yongqi had taken me on last time, passed through the locker room, and slowly entered the gymnasium. The gymnasium, which wasn't large to begin with, now seemed deserted, with only half the lights on. There was only one person in the entire gymnasium—Zhuo Wenyan. He didn't notice me, still practicing over and over. Running from one end of the court to the other, shooting, dunking. I stared blankly at his focused expression, and suddenly felt a flutter in my heart. A focused man is really handsome. Zhuo Wenyan… It turns out I wasn't as carefree and unrestrained as I seemed. I found a dark corner and sat on the floor, hugging my knees. I knew this wouldn't work. I was clinging to every handsome guy I saw, falling in love with every one of them, and giving my heart every time . But I had no choice. I really didn't know what else to do. I didn't have the courage to settle down and have a serious relationship, not even the courage to confess. But my love was real, every single time. I sat on the sidelines, watching Zhuo Wenyan's every move. Until he stopped to wipe his sweat, turned around casually, saw me, and froze. "Brother Wenyan." I forced a smile and waved to Zhuo Wenyan, "Brother Wenyan, you look so handsome when you're serious." "Tiantian?" Zhuo Wenyan was stunned for a full half minute before finally coming to his senses and looking at me with a surprised expression. He threw down the towel and ran over. "Why are you here? When I went to see you this afternoon, Su Yongqi said you were sick. How are you now? Are you alright?" I was sick, Su Yongqi, Zhuo Wenyan looking for me... I didn't know which one shocked me more. For a moment, I was dumbfounded. "Tiantian, are you feeling unwell again? Why aren't you saying anything, Tiantian?" Zhuo Wenyan's panicked look made me laugh. "I'm fine, just a little dizzy. But Brother Wenyan, what brings you here today?" I looked at him, smiled faintly, took Zhuo Wenyan's outstretched hand, and stood up. However, my head really was a little dizzy. Maybe it was because I had been sitting for too long. "It's nothing, it's just..." Zhuo Wenyan hesitated after pulling me up. He glanced at me cautiously before speaking, "That... it's about the photo the news agency took. The one that was posted on the bulletin board this morning. That... um... that person..." "Enough, enough! I don't know anything!" I panicked and pushed him away, clutching my head and screaming, "Don't say anything! Don't ask anything!" "Tian Tian... Tian Tian, calm down, I didn't say anything, Tian Tian." Zhuo Wenyan looked at me frantically, trying to calm me down. However, it was no use. Enough, enough! I've had enough of that photo, enough of this life of hiding! I'm not the one in the wrong, so why am I always the one suffering in the end? I'm not reconciled! What sins have I committed to deserve this pain! "Tiantian, don't be like this, don't go crazy anymore! Listen to me, it's okay, no one will find out!" Zhuo Wenyan was also fierce, forcing my face to face him. I stared blankly at Zhuo Wenyan, completely not understanding his words. I only knew that I had gone crazy enough these past two days. Had I used up all the energy I had accumulated over the years...? It was time to calm down. Zhuo Wenyan wasn't Su Yongqi. He didn't know anything, shouldn't, and wouldn't bear my madness. I fell silent, looking at Zhuo Wenyan without saying a word. "Tiantian, don't look so desperate, it's okay." Zhuo Wenyan reached out and ruffled my hair. I don't know if I was seeing things. There was actually a hint of affection in his eyes. "I only guessed whether the person in the photo was you because I happened to see you there yesterday. No one could recognize you just by looking. Besides, Tiantian, that photo doesn't show anything, it doesn't prove anything. On the contrary, if you make it too obvious, it will only make others think it's strange." Zhuo Wenyan had already loosened his grip. But I still stared at him, as if I had grasped a lifeline. "Brother Wenyan, is it true? Are you telling the truth? I can't recognize me from the photo, I can't see anything at all, is that true?" "Of course it's true." Zhuo Wenyan nodded, his face full of certainty. "I don't know what you two were doing at the time. But from the photo, it's just two people standing there; you can't really see clearly. Those people just assumed you were a girl, and Su Yongqi suddenly left the competition midway through, which is why people were so excited. Besides, isn't that normal for friends? Nobody would think that way." I nodded silently. I didn't know if Zhuo Wenyan was genuinely thinking this or just trying to comfort me. But after hearing it, I did feel much lighter. However, when I calmed down and carefully recalled Zhuo Wenyan's words, I suddenly realized... "Wen, Brother Wenyan, you just said nobody would think that way... You, you mean, what, that way?" Zhuo Wenyan looked at me, hesitated for a moment, and then spoke: "Tiantian, I absolutely didn't mean anything by saying that. It's not that I look down on you, nor is it discrimination. Please forgive me if I'm wrong. Um, you like Azhu, right? Your eyes have been following him. " I shrank back slightly. If Zhuo Wenyan hadn't been holding my arm and looking so calm, I probably would have screamed and run away to hide somewhere. Now, I could only nod and watch Zhuo Wenyan's expression ."I knew it. Tian Tian, don't make your eyes so obvious in the future. It's fine if I know, but if A Jing finds out, you're in big trouble." Senior Pan… my face immediately darkened. "Because he's Brother Nan's girlfriend, I know."

"Wrong! If that's what you think, you're completely wrong!" Zhuo Wenyan shook his head. He seemed to remember something and gave a wry smile: "If A-Jing knew you liked A-Zhu, he'd probably announce it to the world and then immediately send A-Zhu to you, demanding things like sex tapes. A-Zhu would cry then. And you don't want anyone to know, right? It's a headache. But A-Jing just likes gay relationships."

I stared at Zhuo Wenyan, dumbfounded. He shrugged and gave me another helpless wry smile.

Could it be that Senior Sister Pan is the legendary…fujoshi?

The kind who's active on sites like Sunshine (China's largest gay website), female, and who gets infatuated when she sees multiple men together…

"Sigh, that's just how Jing is, we're all used to it. Actually, she's a very nice and kind person."

Still reeling from the shock, I could only nod blankly. No wonder the senior asked so many questions about Yongqi and me when we first met… No wonder she wasn't angry at all after I kissed the senior, but instead looked excited… So that's why…

While I was still lost in thought, my stomach gave me a loud, unwelcome rumble. In the empty and quiet gymnasium, it was exceptionally clear… The clear sound echoed.

I froze, my face immediately turning red. Oh, how embarrassing! I'd embarrassed myself in front of Wenyan. Especially seeing his strange, almost-smiling expression—wanting to burst out laughing but having to hold it back—I just wanted to bang my head against a white cloud.

Then I remembered that all day, I'd only eaten two fried dough sticks and drunk a bowl of milk this morning. I was only just realizing I was hungry now. It seems my dizziness wasn't from sitting or standing for too long. It was just simple low blood sugar. Oh, I see…

"Tian Tian, you haven't had dinner yet, have you?"

Zhuo Wenyan asked, raising an eyebrow. I have to admit, he looked incredibly handsome with a touch of rebellious charm.

I nodded honestly. After thinking for a moment, I added,

"Not only dinner, I haven't even had lunch. I'm starving." "You…" Zhuo Wenyan glared at me, frowning, looking like he wanted to be angry but couldn't, wanted to laugh but didn't know what to do. Finally, he sighed as if giving up, and came over to ruffle my hair. "You rascal .
Let 's go, I'll treat you to McDonald's." "Wow, thank you, Brother Wenyan!" I cheered and rushed over, following Zhuo Wenyan all the way out of the gymnasium. Looking back at the gymnasium, now completely dark after the lights were turned off, I suddenly remembered why I had come here. I quickly took a few steps, caught up with him, and grabbed Zhuo Wenyan's clothes. "Brother Wenyan, I really want to learn to play basketball. Will you teach me?" Zhuo Wenyan turned around and looked at me. Under the streetlight, his gaze was full of surprise and questions. Looking into his eyes, I felt as if he was asking, "Why did you ask me if you want to learn basketball?" He must have found it strange, and he must have wanted to ask why I didn't ask Su Yongqi, Meng Hun, or Azhu. I timidly lowered my head, not daring to meet Zhuo Wenyan's meaningful gaze. I could only tug at his sleeve and desperately plead. "Okay, Brother Wenyan, please teach me! I really, really want to learn to play basketball!" Although I wasn't looking at Zhuo Wenyan, I could still feel his thoughtful gaze on me. I shrank my shoulders and lowered my head even further, afraid that Zhuo Wenyan would refuse. However, in the end, Zhuo Wenyan didn't ask anything and just nodded in agreement to my willful request. "Okay, I'll teach you. But, Tiantian, don't complain that my skills are too bad." "No way! Thank you, Brother Wenyan!" I jumped up happily. But strangely, I immediately saw stars. I felt dizzy, my head was spinning. I couldn't even feel if I was still standing on the ground. Strange, there were lights around, why was it so dark... I seemed to hear Zhuo Wenyan's anxious calls in my ears. I wanted to respond, but when I opened my mouth, no sound came out. I tried hard to regain my senses, but it was all in vain. Finally, I fell into an endless darkness with Zhuo Wenyan's calls... *******This is the dividing line representing those who faint every day******* I had a dream. In the dream, Yongqi was walking back and forth with his back to me, as if he wanted to do something for me. But he was clumsy and made a mess of everything. I opened my mouth and called to him, wanting to tell him to stop. "Yong, Yongqi... Yongqi..." But when Yongqi heard me call him, he paused, and still kept his back to me, looking like he was about to leave. I panicked. I wanted to stop him, but I didn't know what to say. Just then, a figure I recognized but couldn't quite place appeared in my field of vision and grabbed Yongqi. They talked for a while, then left together. What a sad dream. No matter who it was, they all left me in the end. Is this my future, my ending? When I opened my eyes, there was really no one around. I was all alone, lying quietly in bed. The sunlight outside the window was very bright. This reminded me of last night. I must have passed out and then slept all night. How embarrassing. And this place, this place, is this a hospital? Why? Could it be that Zhuo Wenyan brought me in...? I was just dizzy, Zhuo Wenyan is exaggerating! My mind was a mess, I couldn't think straight. So I instinctively raised my left hand to scratch my head. But before I could even raise it halfway, I couldn't help but let out a small scream. Ouch... Ouch! I then realized that there was a clear tube in my left hand, an IV drip. Because I had raised my hand, the blood had flowed back into the IV line, making it bright red and startling me. I quickly lowered my hand and sat up straight. The IV drip was full of glucose solution. It seems I really did faint yesterday because of low blood sugar. And Zhuo Wenyan probably didn't know what to do, so he just brought me to the hospital for an IV. Ugh, how embarrassing... "Xiao Tian, you're awake." Just as I was in a daze, Brother Nan walked in from outside with a smile, carrying a whole bunch of things. "It's good you're awake. Eat something while it's hot. Wen Yan has class right now and can't come to see you. He said he promised to treat you yesterday, so consider this compensation. Don't be shy with him." "Um, thank you for running errands for me, Brother Nan. Brother Nan, would you like something to eat?" I tried my best to suppress my racing heart as I took the things from Brother Nan's hands.Upon closer inspection, I realized it was McDonald's. Thinking back to what happened last night, I couldn't help but laugh. Brother Nan shook his head and pulled up a chair by the bed to sit down.

I was hungry, so I grabbed a fish fillet bun and started eating. Mmm, it definitely feels better to eat directly. Even with all that glucose, it still fills my stomach. Ah, so blissful. It wasn't

until I'd almost finished eating and started drinking my cola that I realized something was wrong.

"Brother Nan, why are you alone? Where's Senior Pan?"

I asked, biting my straw.

Hearing my question, Brother Nan seemed to pause for a moment. Then, he seemed to breathe a sigh of relief and gave me a wry smile. " Xiao Tian, sometimes you're frighteningly perceptive. Since you've noticed too… I have some things I want to clarify with you today. It's not convenient if Jing's here. So, I didn't let her come along. You understand, right?"
So … Brother Nan noticed too. Indeed, his words of rejection weren't really suitable for Senior Pan to hear. "Um, Xiaotian, you can probably guess what I want to say to you. But you should also know that I'm not saying this because I dislike you or because I'm quiet. Maybe you think I'm hypocritical. But... if you were a girl, I would at least hesitate." No, no, how could I think you're hypocritical? Isn't it natural for men to love women? It's just that I'm deluding myself, just that I'm a pervert... I shrank back, biting hard on the straw in my mouth. A bitter taste wafted from the bitten plastic tube. So, the whole world knows, knows what I'm thinking. How ridiculous that I was completely unaware, thinking I had hidden my feelings so well. In fact, everyone in the world knows how blatantly I look at men's faces. Everyone in the world laughs at my promiscuity and perversion. What am I hiding now! "Xiaotian, Xiaotian? I know saying this is really... You can say whatever you want, but don't do this. If you don't say anything, I... " I rested my head on my knees, looking at him with a detached and bewildered gaze. After a long while, I finally thought to speak: "What... what else do you want me to say? Since you've already gone this far, what more can I say? Thank you? Desperately deny it? Or cling to you, crying and begging for a chance? If that's the kind of reaction you're expecting, then I'm sorry, I won't. Everyone over there is pointing fingers at me, but none of you understand me. I just wanted to watch from the sidelines... If my gaze disgusts you, why don't you look away? If it really makes you this uncomfortable, then fine, I apologize. I'm sorry." Nan Qingzhu frowned as she watched me. Finally, she sighed heavily. "Xiao Tian, you know perfectly well that's not what I meant. Why did you speak so harshly, making yourself sound so pathetic? Xiao Tian, I believe you're a reasonable child." I smiled, a bitter smile. I almost laughed until tears streamed down my face. "Senior Nan, Brother Nan, asking someone who's just been dumped to be reasonable? You're being too cruel." Nan Qingzhu just looked at me silently. I buried my head deep in the blankets, both from heartache and from a desire to escape. "I understand, I understand, I really understand everything. I never intended to do anything. I never even thought about... bothering you. Whatever you think. Since you've rejected me like this, what else can I do? Don't worry, I'll be careful in the future, I won't let you see me." " Xiao Tian, do n't be like this. I know you're very sad, and I know it's really cruel of me to say this. But I'll say it, it's definitely not what you think. It's not to hurt you or make you give up. It's not that I don't like you or want to break up with you." Isn't that right...? I wondered, carefully digging my head out from under the blankets, frowning as I looked at Nan Qingzhu's serious face. Nan Qingzhu got up and sat on the edge of the bed, reaching out to ruffle my hair. I think I must be blushing. "Xiao Tian, I don't look down on you, nor do I find you disgusting. If you want to look at me, I have no objection. It's just, Xiao Tian, I want you to turn your attention back to what's around you. I can't give you any happiness. But there's someone who loves you so much and wants to make you happy, why don't you go find them?" I stared blankly at Brother Nan, letting him ruffle my hair into a mess, not even thinking to object. Because I really didn't understand what he meant. What was he saying? That he didn't dislike me, but just wanted me to shift my gaze a little, to find…someone…someone who likes me? If that's the case, Brother Nan means there's someone around me who likes me? I immediately shook my head reflexively. " Brother Nan, I don't like girls, I can't be happy because of her, and I can't give her happiness. " "You... Of course I know. So, the person I was talking about, he is indeed a man." Brother Nan looked at me, his face showing helplessness. His smile towards me also carried a hint of doting. But it only made my chest feel tight. I knew that at most he only treated me like a younger brother. "No, there's no such person. I know Brother Nan, you want to make me happy. But you don't need to lie to me." "I'm not lying to you. Xiao Tian, look up, look me in the eyes." Brother Nan's voice was serious. I couldn't help but look up, staring blankly into his eyes. "There is indeed someone secretly in love with you. I can't say his name because he wants you to discover it yourself. But believe me, he exists, and he's someone you know. So, Xiaotian, why don't you try looking for him?" I curled up on the bed, completely lost in confusion. I really didn't know how to face this. What was this? Brother Nan came to reject me, and then told me someone had a crush on me? If this was Brother Nan's way of rejecting me, then I had nothing to say. He refused to reveal the person's name, and I had no way of verifying the truth of his words. If this was a tactic, I could only say that this was the most powerful rejection I had ever seen. But I didn't want to, I didn't want to think of Brother Nan that way. So, I preferred to believe it was true . Brother Nan has left. I ate my cold fries and chicken nuggets, thinking about the people around me. But no matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't believe anyone would like me. If it were true, why didn't he tell me…? At least I would have considered it. Did he not know I was gay…? Handsome guys are just for looking at; only ordinary people are truly worthy of love. I understand this principle, and it's always been my life motto. A guy who likes me would undoubtedly be gay. But I haven't found anyone like me around me. Reality, after all, is different from what's written in novels. Those people who say, "I'm not gay, I just happen to be in love with someone of the same sex," even if they exist, are extremely rare. That statement, to me, is a joke. Isn't that just nonsense?Why do we call ourselves homosexuals? It's because we can only fall in love with the same sex. No matter how good a person is, if they are a woman, I still won't fall in love with them. Those so-called "love that transcends gender" aren't homosexuals; they should be bisexuals, right?

It's the same. Actually, we're just like heterosexuals. We're not particularly noble, nor are we particularly perverted. Why discriminate against us, or look at us with the curiosity of someone looking at a monster...?

After finishing my IV drip, I didn't wait for Zhuo Wenyan to appear; I took the bus back to school by myself.

At times like this, I didn't want to see anyone.

Later, when Zhuo Wenyan asked, I told him bluntly that I had been rejected by Brother Nan and was feeling down.

Zhuo Wenyan nodded silently and didn't ask anything more. That was his kindness, and I was very grateful.

In the days that followed, I would occasionally learn to play basketball from Zhuo Wenyan. But that was all. He asks me to hang out, and I'll refuse four out of five times. I'll only go once if I absolutely can't refuse.

If anyone around me likes me, the chances are really high for Zhuo Wenyan. We've only known each other for a short time, but he's been so good to me. It's

only now that I realize I'm so timid that I don't even dare to fall in love.

In class, I inevitably see Yongqi. We still greet each other, and occasionally we eat together in the cafeteria.

However, now there are more girls vying to help Yongqi with chores, so I don't need to worry about him anymore.

As for Brother Nan, now he only occasionally... If I saw you on the basketball court, I would smile as a greeting.

I cut off all my previous connections, intending to be a well-behaved, unassuming student. I locked myself away, studying, studying, studying relentlessly.

During these days, the person I was closest to was Meng Hun. Because I fell in love with running, especially long-distance running.

And I found that talking to Meng Hun was actually very easy; I didn't need to put in any effort. Of course, I didn't have to be afraid of saying the wrong thing.
I spent the rest of my first semester of university like this. During exams, I knew how to answer most of the questions. If I did it seriously... Maybe I could have even gotten a scholarship.

But I didn't. Let people like Su Yongqi be the ones in the limelight.

I'm like a little snail; I only feel safe when I'm curled up in my shell. I'm timid, but so what? It's better than being pointed at, called a pervert, and ostracized, isn't it?

When the results came out, they were exactly as I expected. I barely passed every subject. Not particularly outstanding, but I didn't need to retake any.

Listening to the wailing and lamenting of the students around me who had to retake the exams, I smiled faintly, turned around, and went back to my dorm to pack my things.

I did it—lived an ordinary life.

"Hey, Yingtian, are you going to have to retake some courses?"

I had just started packing when Huang Bin walked in with a pained look on his face. Judging from his expression, he must have failed some subjects. I looked at him and shook my head. Then he immediately jumped up.

"That's not fair! I have to retake two courses, why don't you have to retake any!"

I was forced to put down what I was holding and sighed at him.

"Classmate, can you be reasonable? If you could spend a tenth of the time you spend playing games studying, you wouldn't need to retake any. I study more than you, so it's normal that I passed everything."

Huang Bin glared at me, scratched his head, smiled sheepishly, and ran into the dormitory to start cleaning up his trash. "Yingtian,
do
you know that two people in our class actually got the top scholarship?"

Huang Bin said this with an indignant look on his face. It was as if he couldn't get it, but others did, and he felt bad for them.

What an interesting person.

"Two, two! He Riwu is one thing, she's so hardworking. But why did Su Yongqi get one too?! He's good-looking, athletic, and now he's even academically gifted! There are already so few girls in our school, how much more attention does he need to attract?!"

This time, I didn't laugh. Because the person Huang Bin was talking about, Su Yongqi, was standing at the door of our dormitory, quietly watching us.

I also looked up at Yongqi. But because he was standing against the light, I couldn't see his expression at all.

What was he thinking?

Huang Bin finally realized something was wrong, followed my gaze, and awkwardly pursed his lips.

Yongqi, however, seemed completely oblivious to Huang Bin, and said calmly:

"Tiantian, come out for a second."

I nodded and obediently followed Yongqi out.

I was curious why Yongqi wanted to see me. And I was also very nervous. It had been so long since we'd had a serious conversation.

Before, Yongqi and I were so close, we'd even slept in the same bed. We had no secrets between us. But now we were like strangers; even talking to him made me inexplicably nervous.

I had once thought that Yongqi and I would always be good friends. Once…

Yongqi led me to the back of the dormitory building.

There weren't many people there, and besides… Everyone was busy packing up to go home for the New Year, and there wasn't a soul to be seen.

I hesitated. What did Yongqi have to say that he had to come here to say?

Puzzled, I could only stare at Yongqi, waiting for him to speak.

Yongqi silently turned his face away, not even daring to meet my gaze.

He looked utterly helpless and lost. Getting closer, I finally saw Yongqi clearly.

He had lost weight. He looked haggard. Getting the top scholarship was truly difficult, even for someone as intelligent as Yongqi. Seeing him like this, I suddenly felt a pang of heartache and a touch of sympathy.

"Yongqi, how come you still don't take care of yourself? You've gotten so thin. Even if it's for the scholarship, you still..."

"It's not for that kind of thing!"

My words seemed to ignite Yongqi's emotions. I've known Yongqi for so many years, and I've never seen him so agitated.

Yongqi grabbed my shoulders and finally met my gaze. The restraint and sorrow in his eyes gave me a sudden jolt.

"Tian Tian, I thought I could wait. But why, why did you have to do this? Do you know how crazy I've been these past few days without you by my side, without you smiling at me! Tian Tian, I love you so much, I've always loved you so much..."

I froze, completely stunned. Yong Qi's serious expression left me no room for doubt.
And Yong Qi didn't give me a chance to doubt.

I... I was kissed by Yong Qi. Not a light, fleeting kiss, but a passionate, lingering kiss between lovers.

My mind went blank; I even forgot to push Yong Qi away.

This was the first time in my life I'd ever been kissed! When Yong Qi released me, I felt like my brain was about to explode.

"Tian Tian, Tian Tian..."

Yong Qi released me, but looked even weaker than me, nestled against my neck, softly calling my name. It was as if he was the one who had been forcibly kissed. Seeing

Yong Qi like this broke my heart.

But I knew I couldn't, I couldn't give Yong Qi any reaction.

Anyone could. Anyone who liked me, I could react.Only Yongqi, absolutely not!

I hardened my heart and shoved Yongqi away. Yongqi looked at me, a hint of vulnerable astonishment in his eyes, his face instantly darkening.

"Tiantian, what do I lack compared to Nan Qingzhu! What's wrong with me! Mo Yingtian, tell me! I'm not reconciled! I don't think I'm any worse than anyone else. Besides, I've always been by your side, silently liking you. Why won't you even give me a chance? I'm not reconciled, I'm so unwilling! Do you know that every time you tell me you like someone, I feel like killing them! If those people can do it, why can't I?!"

I stared blankly as Yongqi raged like a wounded beast, tears welling up uncontrollably.
For the first
time
, I realized that Yongqi, that Su Yongqi, could also be hurt, could also have moments of vulnerability. But it was too late. It was all too late.

"Yongqi, you're good, you're good in every way. The only things that aren't good enough are me and time. Yongqi, it's too late."

Yongqi stared at me, his brows furrowed in confusion. I wanted to reach out and touch his face, but in the end, I refrained.

He didn't understand my words. I sighed and lowered my head. How could I not feel regret?

"A long time ago, maybe in middle school, I liked you. When I told you the truth in my second year of high school, there might have been a bit of expectation involved. If you had told me you liked me then, I would have been so happy and immediately agreed to be with you. But things are different now. Yongqi, now I only see you as a friend, the only person who will accept me. From the moment you found out, I didn't want to lose you. So, I could only choose to be friends with you, cutting off all feelings of love for you. So, do you understand? It's not that you're not good enough, it's just that the timing was wrong. We can never go back."

Yongqi looked at me, took a step back, and suddenly burst into laughter. He shook his head as he laughed. Hearing the pain and sorrow in Yongqi's laughter, my heart ached terribly. I

know, I know how deeply I hurt Yongqi.

Rejection hurts, I understand, I truly understand
. "Yongqi, I know you're hurting. But... but... really..." I went up to him and grabbed his sleeve. Yongqi didn't push me away; instead, he suddenly gripped my wrist, staring at me with eyes so bright they were frightening. "Tiantian, do you know? I've been telling myself I can't confess to you. Because I know you're too lonely. If I told you, even if you agreed because of loneliness, you'd definitely regret it later. I don't want that. I want to be with you forever. So, I'd rather stay by your side and wait for you to fall in love with me yourself. I've always been confident and patient. But I never imagined that this would only push you away..." As I listened to Yongqi's increasingly lowered voice, my head drooped too. Perhaps, neither of us was wrong . The only mistake was that we weren't honest enough, which led us to miss each other. The same people, the same events, the same feelings. But time waits for no one. I remember reading a story in "When the Flowers Bloom" about a weary bird, a lonely tree, and missed opportunities. These stories are often sad. Yet, no one can change them. Just like Yongqi and me. Now, no matter what Yongqi says or does, I feel heartache, tenderness, and even tears for him. But I can no longer feel anything for him. Two years is enough to change too many facts and dilute too many feelings. Convincing myself to let go, two years is enough. Perhaps even too much? ? ?"天天,你坚持吗.坚持,连一个机会都不给我?难道,我们连从头开始都做不到?"我看着永骐一脸苦涩的不甘心,心底也跟着迷茫苦闷.我看着永骐,苦笑着摇头. "永骐,我并不是坚持什么.只是,我不想伤害你.我可以给你机会,甚至答应和你在一起.可是,你有没有想过,那又怎么样.我们走得太近,对对方太熟悉.就算再亲密,我想我们也已经难以跳脱不了以往好朋友的模式.所以,我再和你在一起,心情也不会改变.我已经无法爱上你了.即使是这样,你也要的话…"永骐看着我的表情一下子变了.就像是被人突然揍了一拳一样.神情又哀,又痛,又恨.最后,他还是摇了摇头,惨笑着摇头. "I don't want that, I don't want to force you." I stared blankly at Yongqi's stumbling figure as he walked away, like a large dog abandoned by its owner. I finally couldn't hold back anymore, and tears streamed down my face. No reason. I just wanted to cry. All along, all I'd ever dreamed of was that one love. But why did it come at such an inopportune time? When I was still a child who dared to love and hate, it avoided me. Now, when it finally knocked on my door, I didn't even have the courage to open it and look inside. Isn't that ironic? Life, life, what kind of life is this ?! I was heartbroken when Brother Nan rejected me. Now, I have to reject someone else. And this time, I'm rejecting Yongqi. Those reasons sound grand, but they're all nonsense. I'm cowardly, and that's the biggest reason. I don't want to, and I dare not, make a change. Only I understand how fickle love is. Walking this path is filled with so much fear, so many anxieties. Just two days ago, Mom called, jokingly asking when I was going to bring my girlfriend home to meet him. I could only remain silent and change the subject. Back in middle school, I had tested Mom's tone. She understood, but didn't support it. So, I can't hurt her. Whether I'm cowardly or not, I can always push away ... Fine, I'll shirk responsibility. I've realized I can't, I shouldn't love. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being abandoned; afraid of discovering how worthless love is, how it will disappoint me; afraid of the world discovering my abnormality. I must at least maintain a facade, pretending I'm just like everyone else. But why am I still crying? Didn't I already understand that there's no future for Yongqi and me? So, what am I crying for? For him, for myself, or for that regrettable love that missed its chance? I sat by the wall, looking at the clear blue sky, laughing and crying at the same time. It turns out, I feel the same heartache. When I dragged myself back to the dorm, almost everyone had left. I went back to the dorm and called home. "Hey, sis? Tell Mom I'm not coming back. Yeah, I'll stay here and find a couple of tutoring jobs." "Brother, it's Chinese New Year! You're not coming home? Mom'll be so sad. What about Yongqi?" "Yongqi went back. I think there are fewer job seekers during winter break, so he should be able to find work easily. I'm all grown up now, I should learn to help out at home. Anyway, it's the same every year. I'm not coming back this year, that's it." I said a few words and hung up. What else could I say? Should I honestly tell my sister I was avoiding Yongqi? I smiled bitterly, tossed the phone aside, collapsed onto the bed, and stared blankly at the ceiling. It's so ironic. Every time I hope for something, fate comes along and crushes my hopes. Then, I can't get up again. It's a fate that's impossible to ignore.Of course I wouldn't be foolish enough to look for a job at the end of the year.

I spend my days in the school library and in front of my dorm computer, reading and playing games. Occasionally, the phone rings in my dorm, but I ignore it all.

Let me go crazy. I've lost all sense of reality.

Surprisingly, in the school library, I rediscovered *When the Flowers Bloom*. So, I reread the story of the bird and the tree.

A tired bird kept flying from one place to another. It didn't know if it was tired from flying back and forth, or if it flew back and forth because it was tired
. A solitary tree stood quietly at the edge of a vast wilderness. It didn't know if it felt lonely because it stood still, or if it stood still because it felt lonely. One day, a weary bird flew past the solitary tree. The bird understood the tree's loneliness, and the leaves understood the bird's weariness.
The bird longed to stay there, to soothe the tree's loneliness with its gentle songs; the tree also longed for the bird to linger, to comfort its weariness with its vast embrace. However, both the bird and the tree worried that the other didn't need them. Neither of them was willing to speak. After a painful silence, the weary bird flew away from the lonely tree, and the lonely leaves did not try to stop it. The weary bird remained weary, endlessly flying from one place to another; the lonely tree remained lonely, not knowing why it stood there forever. They never met again. But since that encounter, they often pondered the same question: if I had asked it then, what would it have answered? I suddenly realized how similar Yongqi and I, the flitting bird and the lonely tree, were. It's like... curled up on the empty library floor, gazing at the winter sunlight through a distant glass window. Surrounded by the vast stacks, it feels like stepping back into a long, flowing history. I'm lost in thought, piecing together my fragmented thoughts bit by bit. I keep thinking... about my fleeting love; about Nan's rejection; about Zhuo Wenyan's care; about Yongqi's sudden confession. Thinking it over and over, I realize I'm the one who's wrong. My selfishness, my boldness, my arrogance. I loved when I shouldn't have, I gave it my all, I exhausted everything. But in the end... At that moment, all courage vanished. Was this somewhat like… homesickness? One cold, gloomy day in February, as I huddled alone in bed, shivering, Yongqi suddenly appeared. Seeing him startled me; I even felt a pang of guilt. My sister had called to say that Mom, Dad, and Yongqi's family had gone on a New Year's trip. I had assumed Yongqi had gone too. But clearly, he hadn't. I huddled even tighter, nervously staring at Yongqi. He didn't seem to notice my reaction, turning his head to the side with a sorrowful expression. "Tiantian, our parents and your sister, plane crashed, their fate... unknown..." I stared at him in shock, even forgetting the cold for a moment. I stared blankly at Yongqi, desperately hoping he would tell me it was a joke. However, I knew Yongqi too well, knew his seriousness too well, I couldn't even doubt him. "Tiantian, it's true. The bodies of those who died in that accident are being transported back. For now... there are no survivors..." I rushed forward and grabbed Yongqi's sleeve, my hands trembling uncontrollably. The irregular eating habits of the past two weeks and this sudden blow made my vision go black, and I fainted. *******I am the dividing line representing Tiantian fainting again******* When I woke up, Zhuo Wenyan was sitting next to me. Seeing that I was awake, he didn't say anything, but considerately picked up a cup of warm milk coffee from the side and put it in my hand. I held the cup, feeling the warmth from my palm. But I still felt cold, a coldness from the bottom of my heart. So cold that my hands trembled, I couldn't even utter a "thank you". "Tian Tian, don't worry, don't overthink things." Zhuo Wenyan reached out and gently stroked my hair. I could only nod silently, my eyes welling up with tears. Yongqi wasn't here; Yongqi wasn't by my side. I'm not stupid, nor am I foolish. I could guess what Yongqi was doing, so I chose not to ask. But what good would it do if I didn't ask? Could I pretend nothing had happened if I didn't say anything? I thought, I kept thinking. If Yongqi had confessed to me back in our second year of high school, or if I had confessed to Yongqi, would everything have been different? If I had gone home this holiday, my parents and sister wouldn't have gone on their trip. If they hadn't gone on their trip, then... then... "Tian Tian, if you want to cry, just cry. Holding it in will only make you feel worse." Zhuo Wenyan took the cup from my hand and hugged me tightly. I listened blankly to his gentle words, only then realizing that I was crying. And the tears had already soaked my face. "Don't bottle everything up inside, let it out. You'll feel better that way. At least you'll be happier. " Listening to Zhuo Wenyan's gentle, almost hypnotic words, I grabbed his clothes, buried my head in his chest, and burst into tears. Actually, I'm all grown up now. My parents and sister had an accident ; I should take responsibility for handling the aftermath, not hide here like a child, crying until I'm exhausted. I understand all of this. But Yongqi, Zhuo Wenyan, everyone around me spoils me too much. I cried in Zhuo Wenyan's arms. Before I knew it, my dorm had quietly become lively. Brother Nan, Senior Sister Pan, Meng Hun, Huang Bin, He Dongping… everyone quietly watched me cry, waiting for me to tire. Then, Senior Sister Pan handed me porridge from a thermos. I stared blankly at everyone around me. Suddenly, a warmth spread through me. It turned out I wasn't an unwanted child. At least, there were still people willing to stay by my side when I was sad. I got up, stood barefoot on the cold floor, and bowed deeply to them. "Thank you all. I'm okay, I'll get through this." Thank you to everyone who silently appeared by my side during my most desperate time, silently stood by me, and silently offered me support. They said nothing because they knew all words of comfort would be useless. Yet, during the Lunar New Year, on such a cold day, they rushed to my side. Their homes aren't even in this city. Their presence was enough for me. Enough to support me through everything. After crying and grieving, it's time to take responsibility. There are still so many things to do. All the important matters are arranged by Yongqi alone. I can't help him . What help was there? I could only watch helplessly. In the end, I attended the joint memorial service for both families with Yongqi as a family member. We have no relatives left in this area, and neither does Yongqi's. Watching my parents' colleagues and my sister's classmates walk by, each with a look of deep sorrow, I broke down in tears countless times. Each time, Yongqi returned the greeting on my behalf and silently comforted me. Yongqi didn't cry. From the day he learned of the tragedy at both families' homes, Yongqi hadn't cried even once. He was sorrowful, yet calmly accepted everything and took care of everything. He even shouldered my share of the responsibility. Claiming the bodies, fighting for compensation, holding the memorial service, contacting cremators…

Over the past few days, Yongqi has lost a lot of weight. I was worried that he wouldn't be able to take it, that he would collapse. But he didn't.

Yongqi didn't cry, and he became even stronger.

Only, when no one was watching, Yongqi would hold my hand tightly, turn around, and show me a smile that was utterly haggard, piercing my heart with pain.

He was tired, I knew. Yongqi's sadness was no less than mine. But because I was so useless… so… so…

Yongqi was forcing himself, he was forcing himself not to collapse.

Yongqi…

It was only then that I realized I was a child spoiled by Yongqi. Besides feeling heartbroken for him, besides forcing a smile for him when he turned around, I couldn't help him at all.

I simply couldn't imagine what would happen if Yongqi weren't by my side, if it weren't for… Yongqi took all the responsibility upon himself.

I was useless. I couldn't do anything...

However, we couldn't fall. I understood this, and Yongqi understood it too.

Our hands clasped together, feeling each other's warmth from our palms, a source of support.

I think that during that time, Yongqi and I meant more to each other than friends, brothers, or even lovers.

We were each other's pillars of support, sharing the same pain.

In March, when spring was in full bloom, after many things, Yongqi's family and I were finally buried.

The cemetery Yongqi chose for them was located in a remote suburb of the small southern city where we used to live. The privately run cemetery was quiet and had beautiful scenery.

Then, in March, our next semester began. Everyone threw themselves back into their studies, trying their best to pretend everything was normal. Nothing has changed.

But there are always moments when I feel a strange sense of loss, realizing that things are different.

I open my hands, palms outstretched, reaching out to grab at the air in the bright afternoon sun, but my palms can't retain any warmth.

I have no relatives. From now on, looking around in this vast sea of people, I won't find another family member who simply cares about me, a safe haven that will always forgive me. In my hands, there's only a million-dollar insurance policy left.

After the grief, Yongqi seems to have returned to his old self. He sticks close to me, sometimes dragging me to play basketball.

I'm heartbroken to find that he's really thin. No matter what, I can no longer rely on Yongqi, spoil him like before.

I can never forget Yongqi's confession, I always worry about "if I go home for the New Year."

And most importantly, I worry that Yongqi will stop because of me. Footsteps. He's smart, very talented. Don't think I'm a man. Even if I were… I wouldn't deserve to stand beside him; I'd only be a hindrance.

One day, I'll lose Yongqi, and Yongqi will lose me. Nothing lasts forever in this world.

The closer we get now, the more heartbroken we'll be later. So, I secretly distanced myself from Yongqi.

In April, with its continuous spring rain, our school had another holiday. A few days of spring break.

I stood alone in the corridor outside the dormitory, blankly watching my classmates leave as they went home to sweep their graves. Though I smiled, my heart was filled with emptiness.

My parents and sister weren't buried until March; I didn't need to sweep their graves again. Besides, I didn't even have a home anymore. Go back? Where could I go…?

Yongqi stood behind me. After a long while, he timidly reached out and stroked my hair.

"Tian Tian, it will pass."

I turned to look at Yongqi, feeling a little dazed. Since when did Yongqi, standing beside me, give me such an unreal, blurry feeling? Although
I was looking at Yongqi, I felt a faint, deep-seated fear. But I could only smile. "I know, Yongqi. Everything will pass. I, I'm okay. It's just... a little strange, nothing." Yongqi then withdrew his hand and stopped talking. We leaned on the railing together, lost in thought. I don't know how long we sat there, but Meng Hun, who was carrying things downstairs, happened to look up, saw us, and immediately waved from afar. "Yongqi! Come help me!" Yongqi was startled, apologetically patted my hair, and hurriedly ran away. I smiled, flipped over and sat on the railing, closed my eyes, and breathed in the cool spring breeze. It was refreshing, carrying the scent of green grass. "Tiantian! You're not thinking of jumping, are you?! It's dangerous, come down quickly!" An anxious voice rang in my ears. Then, my arm was gripped tightly. I opened my eyes, turned around, and smiled helplessly. "Brother Wenyan, I won't do anything that stupid." "Then I'm relieved. You sit down, I'll just stand here." Zhuo Wenyan smiled and released me, leaning on the railing next to me, watching Meng Hun and Yongqi frantically moving things downstairs. After a long pause, he spoke again softly. "Tiantian, do you know? The school has already internally selected Su Yongqi as an exchange student with the US. If nothing unexpected happens, he'll go to America next semester." I was stunned for a moment, my first reaction being to smile. My Yongqi, always so outstanding, truly makes me proud. Zhuo Wenyan looked at my smile, but actually frowned, his expression turning to confusion. "Tian Tian, why can you still laugh? If Su Yongqi goes abroad, then... he won't be by your side anymore. Isn't he... very important to you?" I was stunned, not expecting Zhuo Wenyan to say such a thing. If Zhuo Wenyan hadn't said it, I definitely wouldn't have noticed. But once it came out, a feeling of loneliness could no longer be suppressed, welling up from the bottom of my heart, a faint sourness. I realized then that Yongqi really was important. The sour feeling was light, but not negligible. But looking at Zhuo Wenyan's expression, I couldn't help but smile again, closing my eyes and gently shaking my head. "Then, Wenyan, how do you think I should react? Should I rush over and hug Yongqi, begging him to stay? I can't be that selfish. Yongqi may really be very important to me, but I don't feel that flutter of love when I'm with him. Falling in love with my only friend is taboo for me. I don't think I can do that. Yongqi is a smart man, and he will definitely have a bright future. Don't say that I can't make any promises without any reason. If I truly love him, I should let him go. For his own good." Zhuo Wenyan remained silent. The way he looked at me was as if I were a monster. He forced a smile and said , "Tiantian, you're really ruthless. Ruthless to others, and even more ruthless to yourself. Actually, you know that kind of 'goodness' isn't what Su Yongqi wants. He wants your love." "I know. But when I'm with Yongqi, I really don't feel my heart racing. When you've already defined someone as your parents, siblings, or other family members, generally speaking, no matter how outstanding they are, you won't fall in love with them anymore, right? Perhaps Yongqi is that kind of person to me. So, all I can do is try my best to be good to him. Letting him fly is the only way I can think of to be good to him. Whether he resents me or hates me, I'm powerless to change anything." I turned to look at Zhuo Wenyan and smiled bitterly.Even when facing Yongqi, I've never explained this clearly before.

Zhuo Wenyan looked at me, a complex expression gradually welling up in his eyes. He reached out and patted my head, petting me like a comforting puppy, and sighed.

"Tiantian, why have you never thought about yourself? If you want, I can stay here with you instead of going home..."

I shook my head, shaking my head under Zhuo Wenyan's hand. I couldn't accept such confession-like words. Actually, I'm not as good as he imagines.

I'm selfish. I know best that I've let my feelings fly to countless people because of my selfishness.
"
You don't need to say that. Brother Wenyan, I'm sorry. But I can't give anyone complete love. Over the years, I've gotten used to hiding and looking around. I no longer have the courage to bear that little bit of happiness. So, even if Brother Nan had been willing to face me back then, I might still have refused. Brother Wenyan, you are very important to me. I cherish you and don't want you to be ruined because of this kind of problem."

Zhuo Wenyan withdrew his hand and chuckled softly.

"Tian Tian, if you keep acting like this, you'll spoil everyone around you. Do you know how cruel it is to let go after spoiling them? Actually, Tian Tian, you can be a little more willful."

I chuckled and could only shake my head. How could he understand all those years of forbearance and concession?

I don't ask for anything anymore. Someone like me can no longer find happiness. I only hope that no one will suffer because of me…

"Tian Tian, I don't know why you're so insecure. But… but… actually, there are many people who want to take care of you."

Me, insecure?

Hearing this word, I was stunned.

I had never realized it before. But after Zhuo Wenyan said it, I suddenly understood. Perhaps, it really is like that.

Discovering my difference too early, my innate caution, and the heavy pressure society placed on me have shaped my timid and insecure personality.

I've always wondered why I rejected Yong Qi. And now, I finally understand, that deep-rooted insecurity.

I had stopped believing in happiness, and where… I still have the right to be happy.

I can only smile bitterly. Zhuo Wenyan's words hit the nail on the head, and besides a little bitterness, what I felt most was a faint sense of resentment and loss.

When I was young and naive, no one was kind to me. By the time I understood the way society viewed me and felt that sense of self-pity... it was too late, everything was too late.

I can pretend to tell the whole world that I'm no different from you. But, being exposed to "orthodox" ideas every day, can I really be completely indifferent? It's impossible.

I've already developed that awkward and repressed personality. No matter how much happiness is guaranteed, I won't believe it.

"Tiantian! Don't sit on the railing, come down."

Yongqi, who had returned sometime earlier, grabbed my shoulder and pulled me down from the railing.

Zhuo Wenyan tilted his head, looked at Yongqi, and his smile gradually became somewhat forced. Finally, he waved to me and walked away.

I frowned, turned around, and saw Yongqi's ashen face, and I was stunned again. Yongqi, are you angry?

"Yongqi, Yongqi? Why...are you angry? I was sitting on the railing, I wasn't thinking of jumping down. Yongqi?"

Yongqi held my hand, stared at me intently, and remained silent for a long time, then suddenly hugged me tightly, pulling me into his arms.

I was startled and hurriedly tried to push him away, afraid that passing classmates would see us. However, Yongqi's hug was really tight. No matter how I pushed or struggled, I couldn't break free from his embrace
.
Finally
, exhausted, I could only stand there, letting him hug me. A sense of helplessness filled my heart.

Fine, I was really tired. Let him hug me if he wants. At worst, someone passing by would just say, "Su Yongqi... he's anemic and dizzy."

Sigh...

"Tiantian, I'm so scared. You're the only one left by my side. Tiantian, you're all I have. Don't abandon me..."

I reached out my only movable right hand and patted Yongqi's back, a gesture of comfort. Yongqi's weakness was truly heartbreaking.

He kept his head buried in my shoulder, his voice muffled. I didn't know if he was crying. But... I had never seen Yongqi cry before.

"Tiantian, don't leave me alone. If even you're gone, I really don't know what I'll do..."

Listening to this, I couldn't help but frown. No, this wasn't right anymore. It sounded like a confession...

"Tian Tian, you won't abandon me, will you? You'll always be with me, right? Tian Tian, I don't want you to leave..."

I froze. Taking advantage of Yong Qi's weakened grip, I shoved him away forcefully, desperately resisting the urge to slap him, and yelled at him,

"Su Yong Qi, have some self-respect! I've already clearly rejected you, what are you still clinging to me for! You have your future, I have my life. One day we'll lose touch, what right do you have to bind me!"
Yong Qi stared blankly at me, his eyes completely unguarded, as if he didn't understand what I was saying.

My heart ached terribly, but I had to harden my heart and hurt him.

I could only hurt him... in the most hurtful way...

Yong Qi, please don't look at me anymore, okay...

"Su Yongqi, how far will you go with your self-righteousness? Don't you understand? I've already chosen Zhuo Wenyan, so why are you still clinging to me? Do you really think everyone in this world loves each other? Don't be stupid! Who says that just because you love me, I have to love you back? No one! Su Yongqi, please wake up. Mo Yingtian chose Zhuo Wenyan, not you!"

I silently apologized to Yongqi and to Zhuo Wenyan. These were the only hurtful words

I could utter. Yongqi must have already known something to say such things in such a panicked manner. Therefore, no matter how much I wanted Yongqi to stay... I absolutely cannot say it.

I'm afraid, afraid that because of one sentence from me, Yongqi will resolutely give up his opportunity to study abroad. I am... truly terrified.

So, Yongqi, I'm sorry, please hate me. Someone like you should soar high. You shouldn't be confined to this small corner of the world beside me.

So, Yongqi...

Yongqi looked at me, his eyes filled with deep sorrow. Watching him tremble as he uttered the three words "Why," I even wanted to cry.

But, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Yongqi. You must hate me, you must be without any attachments, so you can fly higher than anyone else.

From now on, no one will pamper you.

From now on, no one will pamper me.

"Why...? Love and not loving, there's no such thing as a why, right? But, Su Yongqi, if you must ask, yes, I have a reason I absolutely will not fall in love with you."

No... it's not like that.

Please, Yongqi. Let go, push me away. Don't let my words come out.

Let go, don't betray your own path anymore, don't chase after me.Please, please don't make me hurt you anymore...

Why won't you let go...

Why are you still so persistent, waiting for me to hurt you deeply...

Yongqi, I don't want this, I really don't. I don't need your love or hate, please forget my existence and live a good life from now on.

That's good...

I'm sorry, Yongqi. From now on, you must be happy, you absolutely must be happy...

"Su Yongqi, no matter who I end up with, I will never choose you. You killed my parents and sister! If I hadn't been hiding from you, would I have stayed away from home...? If I hadn't been hiding from you, how could they...! Are you going to force me to die in front of you before you're satisfied?!"

Yongqi stared at me in astonishment, his face pale, and slowly squatted down against the wall. As if he were cold, he hugged his knees.

Yongqi cried. I've been friends with Yongqi for so many years, and this was the first time I'd ever seen him cry.

Watching Yongqi apologize to me in a trembling voice, repeating incoherent words, I couldn't describe the feeling in my heart.

I was the one in the wrong. But why was it that every time it was Yongqi, the one who was hurt, who apologized?

"Su Yongqi, I hate you."

After uttering these feeble words, I ran away, my face pale.

I probably didn't look much better than Yongqi. I was afraid that if I stayed any longer, I would rush up to Yongqi and apologize. Yongqi like that, I really... really...

curled up, crying like a child. I must have hurt him deeply.

And, Yongqi, do you know? When you're in pain, my heart aches too.

I ran aimlessly through the almost deserted campus. Until I accidentally bumped into someone. I stopped and apologized blankly.

"Uh, Mo, Mo Yingtian... are you... are you alright?"

A slightly familiar voice. I looked up and saw a girl whose face had turned red just from saying those words.

I shook my head and realized that the person I bumped into was He Riwu, the girl who had been my deskmate this semester.

Ah, I remember, she also... liked Yongqi...

"I'm fine. He Riwu, you've come at the right time. Su Yongqi is waiting for you on the third floor of dormitory building three, hurry up and go."

He Riwu stared at me blankly, his eyes full of doubt and disbelief.

Seeing him like this, I became a little anxious.

"Just go... I have no reason to lie to you, I don't seem like that kind of person. Even... even if there's a possibility of being lied to, it's not entirely impossible."

Actually, I could tell he still didn't believe me. But He Riwu still blushed and nodded gently.

This outstanding girl is braver than me, she'll be happy... The person who stays by Yongqi's side at a time like this can easily enter Yongqi's heart. That's good...

Watching He Riwu's receding figure, I wanted to smile, but I couldn't squeeze out a single smile. My heart ached, it was a heart-wrenching pain.

I suddenly felt incredibly clear-headed . Chu knew that no matter how she regarded Yongqi, or what position she placed him in, he was important to her, more important than anything else.

That's why it hurt so much.

But she had no tears left. She had no right to shed tears because of this.

She was the one who pushed Yongqi away. So…

Yongqi, no matter how much you hate me, it doesn't matter to me. Only love, I simply cannot give, and I have no intention of lying to you.

Why, why do I always have such a calm state of mind when I'm with you?

Do you know, Yongqi? Actually, I hate you so much…?
Perhaps , my love has been worn away by so many years of looking around. Love
is a consumable, after all. Because I've been recklessly squandering it. Now, I'm finally getting my comeuppance. My love has always been like a joke, spreading a little bit among everyone. And then, it can never be taken back. Even though I know this is true. Since I know this is true, why does the heartache still linger? Why does it still hurt so much… Leaning against a nearby tree, I feel powerless, yet I can't think of anywhere to go. Yes, I have nowhere left to go. Is this God's punishment for me? Because I was so shameless. Because I hurt Yongqi so badly… The phone suddenly rang, startling me. I gripped the phone and blankly said, "Hello." "Tian Tian, are you alright? I was a little worried about you after seeing Su Yongqi's condition. Tian Tian, where are you? What are you doing? I'm just at the school gate. If you're free, let's go eat together. Tian Tian?" It was... Zhuo Wenyan. I never expected it to be him. "Brother Wenyan..." I had been calm until I heard Zhuo Wenyan's anxious and worried voice, and I suddenly felt an urge to cry. "I... wait for me." It turned out I still couldn't shake off that sin. I chose to rush to Zhuo Wenyan's side, just wanting to find someone to confess to. I kept talking, telling Zhuo Wenyan about my feelings that I couldn't even understand myself. He just listened quietly, without saying a word, just looking at me with reassuring eyes. His gentle doting made me want to cry. But in the end, I could only cry without tears. My tears had run dry. And how could I dare to accept his kindness? "Brother Wenyan, actually, you shouldn't be so good to me..." "I'm willing. I like you, I want to be good to you, there's nothing wrong with that, right?" This was the first time Zhuo Wenyan had spoken so clearly. Once it's said, there's no going back. But he still chose to say it… I opened my mouth, thought for a long time, and finally said nothing. There were so many things I wanted to say, so many questions I wanted to ask. However, let it all go. I believe Zhuo Wenyan knows that I… no matter what… "Tiantian, don't think too much. It's okay to be a little willful." Why are you being so gentle with me? I really can't reciprocate your feelings. And your indulgence will only make me make increasingly outrageous demands… "Brother Wenyan, I beg you for something. Before Yongqi goes abroad, could you… pretend to be my lover?" I tugged at Zhuo Wenyan's sleeve, head down, not daring to look at his face. I knew how despicable this was. Taking advantage of his kindness without giving anything in return . Zhuo Wenyan remained silent for a long time. I even thought he was angry. However, he didn't shake off my hand. When he finally spoke, his voice was completely calm: "Tiantian, I can agree to your request, but have you really thought it through? Is it really okay for Su Yongqi to go abroad?" I nodded, but for some reason, a wavering arose in my heart. Therefore, I could only nod haphazardly. "I've already made up my mind. I made up my mind a long time ago. I don't love Yongqi, and I can't give Yongqi what he wants. So, this is the only way I can compensate him. Yongqi going abroad... that's good, very good. Someone like Yongqi will be successful someday. I, I know... I..." " Enough. Tiantian, that's enough. I will help you.""Until you're satisfied." Zhuo Wenyan reached out and pulled me into his arms, where I was no longer saying anything. I nestled there, nodding, basking in his warmth.

"I'm sorry, Wenyan. I used you like this..."

"Tiantian, don't apologize to me. Only you, never apologize to me, especially for this. Even if you used me, it was willingly. Besides, I'm not as good as you think."

Hearing Zhuo Wenyan's words, I was a little stunned. Why...why did he say such a thing? I didn't understand at all.

I wanted to look up at Zhuo Wenyan's expression. But he pressed my head firmly against his chest. I could only stay pressed against Zhuo Wenyan's chest, listening to his heartbeat.

Just sitting there quietly, I couldn't help but sigh in my heart.

"Tian Tian, if one day you find that I'm not as good as you imagined, please forgive me. Tian Tian, I really... love you too much. Tian Tian, I'm a man too. I... I really love you..."

I remained silent.

Is it... love? Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what love truly is. Does love even make sense...?

I love you, so I selfishly imprison you; I love you, so I hurt you for your own good; I love you, so I'd rather bear everything myself while causing you unbearable pain by losing me...

Does love justify hurting you so openly...?

Someone once said that you haven't truly loved if you haven't experienced pain. Does that mean love necessarily includes hurting?

I don't know, I don't know, I'm just so tired. I only wish that after this is over, I won't have anything to do with "love" anymore.

I'm powerless to answer that, and I don't want to think about it anymore. The more I think, the more chaotic my mind becomes.

I just stood there motionless, waiting for Zhuo Wenyan to calm down. Then, I smiled, pretending nothing had happened.

I hate myself so much. So cowardly and useless, why did I have to be loved? I let one down, and dragged another down.

I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have.

But it's too late to turn back. I can only make one mistake after another.

It's lonely when no one loves me. But even if someone does fall in love with me, so what… I don't dare to give my heart.

*******This is the holiday break dividing line*******

Spring break in April is over, and there are still three months until Yongqi goes abroad. However, there's still not a single word from the school. Sure enough, it's just a pre-arranged decision.

But I believe it's true. Rather than believing the news itself, I believe Yongqi has the ability to get this opportunity.

Right now, the most famous news in our school is that Su Yongqi and He Riwu are dating. It seems many people don't understand how these two people, who originally had no connection, ended up together.

When I heard this news, Zhuo Wenyan was beside me. He looked at me worriedly, and I... It was a weak smile.

After that, I never sat next to He Riwu again. During class, I often saw her and Yongqi.

I just watched from afar. But I could tell that since becoming Yongqi's lover, that shy girl had gradually found her confidence and radiated her true brilliance. The

intelligent and beautiful young lady attracted more and more attention. The ugly duckling had grown into a swan perfectly matched with Yongqi.

This was the result I wanted. This was enough. I believed that He Riwu was more suitable for Yongqi than I was.

Especially the confident He Riwu now, striving to be worthy of Yongqi. I spent all my time with Zhuo Wenyan until mid-June. He was very good to me, but when I was with him, I always only felt like he was a doting older brother.
In
June , in our city, it was already so hot that you felt like you were going to peel off a layer of skin. And the school's decision finally came down. Yongqi and He Riwu's names were both on the list of exchange students. If nothing unexpected happened, they would start preparing for their suspension of studies now, arrive in Shanghai in July, and officially leave in August. I didn't even need to guess Yongqi's answer, because I could no longer see him and He Riwu on campus. The day I heard the news was very hot, extremely hot, as if it were already the height of summer. I lazily lay on my bed in the dormitory with the fan on, too hot to move at all. Then, Zhuo Wenyan came to find me. "Tian Tian, let's go play basketball." Zhuo Wenyan ran into my dorm room, sweating profusely, waving a basketball in his hand. But it was so hot, I didn't want to move... so I just lay there and shook my head at him. Seeing my lack of interest, Zhuo Wenyan seemed to lose interest as well. He sat down on the edge of my bed, staring at me blankly. After a long while, he finally spoke in a muffled voice. "Tian Tian, Su Yongqi has decided to go abroad, so you don't need me anymore?" I was slightly startled, not expecting Zhuo Wenyan to be so sensitive. Deep down, I did have that feeling. But I thought he should be happy, shouldn't he? After all, I was despicably using him. "Hey, Wenyan-ge. From today onwards, you don't need to force yourself to be so close to me, you don't need to be used by me. Isn't that better? You should be happy." "Yeah, right!" Zhuo Wenyan glared at me, his eyes filled with a rather fierce look. It was the first time I'd seen him like this, and it really startled me. "Tian Tian, do you even know I like you?! Do you not believe me at all when I say I love you? I think you don't care about this at all. Tian Tian, this kind of one-sided emotional protection is the most hurtful! I thought that as long as I had a chance to be with you, to be good to you, at least something could change. Who knew you… Oh well. I finally understand how heartless you are!" Me… heartless? I froze, half-closing my eyes, cautiously peeking at Zhuo Wenyan. From my angle, I could vaguely see his furrowed brows hidden beneath his long bangs. Zhuo Wenyan is angry… I instinctively thought, a little dazed. This was the first time I'd ever seen Zhuo Wenyan unhappy. "Well, um, I really don't understand. You say I'm heartless, I'm not really sure either. Besides love, I can give you anything you want, and I'll repay you." Zhuo Wenyan frowned at me, seemingly even angrier, or perhaps deep in thought. Finally, he smiled, a helpless smile. He reached out again, roughly ruffling my hair. "You, you're so heartless in this way. Yet, it's precisely this kind of place that makes people want to cherish you. Fine, I don't want your affection. I just want a kiss." I wanted to refuse, but remembering what I had just said, my face flushed red, and I didn't even dare to shake my head. Finally, after a tense standoff of about half a minute, I got up, nodded, and simply closed my eyes. So… nervous. I think Zhuo Wenyan must feel the same way. I waited with my eyes closed for quite a while before he gently leaned in. He paused, his warm lips lingering for a long time before withdrawing. He… didn't go any deeper. When I opened my eyes, Zhuo Wenyan was already smiling and saying goodbye. I stared blankly as Zhuo Wenyan left, a wave of emotion washing over me. Zhuo Wenyan, he …He is truly a gentleman, a good man. I was so blind to his true nature. Call me heartless, and I'll accept it.

Perhaps Zhuo Wenyan was right. I really am heartless.

At that time, I knew perfectly well that Yongqi didn't expect a response from me. Just my presence was enough to put his mind at ease. Yet, I still pushed him away and stomped on him several times.

I know there's a saying, "Unrealistic gentleness is the cruelest." I've forgotten where I saw it, but it's always been deeply etched in my memory.

However, I think my self-righteous gentleness wasn't much better.

After that day, everything returned to silence. Especially since I was all alone.

That was for the best. Although I felt lonely, I didn't have to worry about owing anything anymore.

I thought my relationship with Zhuo Wenyan was over. Little did I know, what we thought was separation was just the beginning of the real chaos…

The scene of Zhuo Wenyan kissing me in the dormitory was actually seen by someone. And, rumors spread… We went to the school leaders.

Of course, what followed was trouble for Zhuo Wenyan and me.

Countless school leaders began to summon us, ostensibly for talks, but in reality, for interrogations.

I don't know what Zhuo Wenyan was thinking. But I couldn't deny it, nor did I intend to.

Anyway, Yongqi was already in Shanghai, and I… had nothing left to worry about.

Those days were truly unbearable. Almost everyone knew me, looking at me with the eyes of someone looking at trash, as if I were some kind of filthy person.

There was even a professor who, when mentioning the Netherlands, started cursing it as perverted, simply because it "actually" allowed same-sex marriage there. (This is a true story, about a current physics teacher. However, I was so angry that I immediately slammed my fist on the table and argued with him, and he never dared to curse again…)

Watching that professor look at me while cursing me as perverted, more and more people in the classroom looked at me with contempt…

At that time, it was truly… I really wanted to cry.

Being bullied and ostracized was inevitable; I was mentally prepared.

Of course, it still hurt, but I mostly remained silent. Only when I couldn't hold it in any longer did I find a place and cry quietly.

Some people… like Senior Nan, still expressed their willingness to be with me. But I didn't go to him. I didn't want to put him in a difficult position.

If he were with me, everyone in the school would despise him, and Senior Pan would be unhappy too.

It's ironic, isn't it? A fujoshi, someone who was willing to take a long bus ride to bring me porridge during the New Year, has such intense hatred towards me.

I'd heard before that some fujoshi would go to gay bars and yell at middle-aged gay men, "How dare you be gay looking like that?"

When I saw that news, I just laughed. I never thought such people actually existed.

Only when it happened to me did I realize… I felt utterly helpless.

I kept pondering how to end this. Actually, I had some vague ideas, but I could never make up my mind.

Until one day, I overheard that Yongqi was one of the people who saw Zhuo Wenyan and me kissing.

So I smiled and went to find Zhuo Wenyan.

It was the first time I had seen Zhuo Wenyan since we parted that day. After what happened, we dared not contact each other even more.

Zhuo Wenyan looked at me with a slightly strange expression, opened his mouth, but in the end, he didn't ask anything and silently led me into the dormitory.

These days, Zhuo Wenyan must have been enduring a lot of hardship. In just half a month, he had lost a lot of weight.

He had been trying very hard to hide it from his family.

I've been through a lot, so of course I understand how much he's suffering. I also know that one day he won't be able to hide it anymore.

When Zhuo Wenyan saw me, he forced a smile, which made my heart ache slightly. Why was I still hesitating?

"Wenyan, don't keep pushing yourself like this. If you're going to suffer like this, just take all the blame. It's my fault, it's what I owe you. You're better than me academically and have a talent for basketball. As long as you don't bear the main responsibility, at most you'll just get a minor demerit."

Zhuo Wenyan was startled and reached out to grab my arm without thinking.

"Tiantian, don't say that. Liking you is something I did willingly. Besides, it wasn't your fault that this happened. How can I push everything onto you and make you bear all the burden! If even I'm not by your side, then, then wouldn't you be..."

I pushed Zhuo Wenyan's hand away, looked at him calmly, and smiled faintly.

"Wenyan, I know how you feel about me. But as long as I understand your feelings, that's enough. Don't make such pointless insistence anymore. You still have family, you still have worries. But I have nothing left. That means it doesn't matter to me anymore. Wenyan, that's enough. You still have a long, long road ahead."

Zhuo Wenyan looked at me for a long time, then shook his head dejectedly.

"Tian Tian, you don't understand. You have absolutely no concept of how to love. I like you, I want to protect you. But if you don't need it, if you don't care, then it's all worthless."
I looked at Zhuo Wenyan, not saying a word, but a sharp pain shot
through
my chest, and for a moment, I could barely breathe. Because of his thoughts.

"Now, there's no point in hiding anything anymore. Tiantian, I agreed to help you act because I thought there was a chance for the fake to become real. That time, I actually knew Su Yongqi was outside the door; I deliberately acted for him. But I didn't expect there were other people there, and I didn't expect it to escalate like this. And I also didn't expect that you, Tiantian, would only look at Su Yongqi; you really are so... indifferent. Tiantian, I've said I'm not as good as you think. Even so, you're willing to bear all the sins for me?"

Zhuo Wenyan's expression... I looked at him and couldn't help but smile.

I knew he wanted me to give up. But his expression was as if he was afraid I would hate him. Even if he was guilty of heinous crimes, I couldn't help but soften my heart.

"Wenyan, I might not fully understand. But I do understand the feeling of liking someone. You're not wrong, you're not wrong at all, it's my fault. You don't need to blame yourself. Because this was my own choice. I owe not only you, but also Yongqi. I must repay it. So, that's enough, let go."

Zhuo Wenyan's eyes dimmed, his face filled with struggle. Finally, he whispered,

"Tiantian, I'm despicable, that's why I've never told you. Tiantian, you... you actually love Su Yongqi, don't you?
"
"Tian Tian, haven't you noticed? You've been staring at Su Yongqi the whole time. Even when you occasionally look away, you always look back. You only care about Su Yongqi, you only think about him. Su Yongqi has taken over your entire heart. If that's the case, why not just agree to be with him? You can even act with me. But, Tian Tian, you didn't. I can only conclude that you love him too much. That's why you're afraid, so unwilling to hurt him."

I listened blankly to Zhuo Wenyan's words, then burst into laughter, laughing until tears streamed down my face.

Yes, so, I do love Yongqi. Such a simple thing, why didn't I realize it before…

I… love Yongqi, I've loved him since middle school. Because it's impossible. That's why I've forced myself to look away, chasing after his illusory figure.

I love Yongqi, always have. So, I no longer feel anything. Loving him has become a habit. As long as I can be by his side…My mood became unusually calm.

Is that so...? Have I always been like this...?

No wonder I'll never love anyone again…

"Tian Tian, you…go find Su Yongqi. Maybe, it's not too late…"

Not too late…not too late for what…to imprison him? Forget it, forget it all. What's there to say now ?

I never knew my heart was so simple,

single-mindedly loving Yongqi, nothing more
. Epilogue
: In July 2002, a university expelled a student surnamed Mo for "a chaotic private life and a corruption of the school's reputation." It was rumored that the student's expulsion was actually due to his sexual orientation, sparking widespread public discussion. In August 2002, ten students from the same university, including Su Yongqi and He Riwu, went to the United States for exchange studies, salvaging the university's reputation. In January 2006, having completed their studies, Su Yongqi and He Riwu refused the American offer to stay and resolutely returned to China. In April 2006, Su Yongqi, citing "having seen the world," refused all blind dates. That same month, Su Yongqi... Su Yongqi proposed to his girlfriend of four years, He Riwu. In May 2006, Su Yongqi and He Riwu got engaged at their alma mater. The wedding was set for the 29th of the same month. As for the student named Mo Yingtian, he was forgotten and no one heard from him again. Some said he left the city that had caused him so much pain; some said he had forgotten the past, found love, and found happiness; some said he had succumbed to despair after the blow and died in some unknown corner… But who can see the truth? Only faint smoke and fleeting rumors remain. With the passing years, they gradually fade away. Faded smoke and fleeting years. *The End*

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