A White-Collar Worker's Wife-Swapping Diary: The Debauchery Makes Us Passionate

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Wednesday, April 9, 2003. Sunny turning cloudy
. Nanwei received an invitation to dinner at a restaurant outside the South Gate at 5 PM on Saturday. It's just a classmate reunion, a simple phone call would have sufficed. Why send a formal invitation like it's the Oscars? The invitation specifically stated: Nanwei, please bring your wife. When Nanwei saw the invitation was from Xiao Liang, he frowned, probably wondering what the guy was up to. A barely perceptible, cold smile crept across his lips.
Before this, Nanwei had told me about a new wife-swapping club that opened outside the South Gate, and had even smirked, saying he'd take me there. I only knew that wife-swapping was popular in the South, but I hadn't expected it to spread to a small city like ours so quickly. Then, recalling that cold smile on Nanwei's face when he held the invitation, I knew what he was laughing at.
Nanwei, Xiaoliang, Xiaoliang's girlfriend Zhang Mei, and I were all classmates in the same year, and Nanwei and Xiaoliang were also classmates in the same class. Nanwei was the class monitor, and Xiaoliang was the academic representative. They were both outstanding in every aspect of the class, their academic performance was always neck and neck, and they were constantly arguing and competing with each other.
At the time, Xiaoliang and I were deeply in love. Xiaoliang and Nanwei appeared amicable, but I knew their relationship wasn't good behind the scenes. The following year, they both fell for a girl who had just transferred to our school. She was very beautiful and considered one of the school's most beautiful girls—Zhang Mei.
Nanwei was the first to fall for Zhang Mei. Later, Xiaoliang also left me and joined in pursuing Zhang Mei. This broke my heart, and I began to distance myself from them. From then on, the two often fought over Zhang Mei, even nearly coming to blows. Zhang Mei didn't want to offend either of these two outstanding class leaders, so she straddled the line between them. However, after entering the workforce, Zhang Mei ultimately fell into Xiao Liang's arms. For reasons I can't quite explain, Nan Wei frequently expressed his affection for me at this time, and I, too, harbored a deep resentment and anger towards Xiao Liang. Soon, Nan Wei and I became a couple.
For many years, I knew that Nan Wei had been holding a grudge against Xiao Liang for losing out on Zhang Mei. After graduating from high school, they both gained admission to prestigious universities, but Nan Wei's university was more renowned, giving him an edge over Xiao Liang in that respect. After graduation, Nan Wei was assigned to his current publishing house as an editor, while Xiao Liang was assigned to a large municipal government agency, later resigning to start his own business.
Nan Wei is an outstanding person in every way, capable at work and possessing great personal charm. In just a few years at the publishing house, he rose rapidly through the ranks, from junior editor to director, then deputy editor-in-chief, and finally to editor-in-chief. We've been married for over four years, and I've always been completely devoted to him. I don't know if this is happiness or what. In front of others, we give the impression of a loving young couple. At home, he rarely talks to me, but he still consults me on important family matters. Thinking about it this way, I feel quite content.
Saturday, April 12, 2003, Sunny
. Today is my husband's birthday. I only sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday around midnight because I've been considering whether or not to record the experiences of the past two days—whether to downplay them or avoid the important ones—but in any case, I need to leave myself an opportunity to reflect. I don't know if this counts as happiness.
Actually, Xiao Liang and Zhang Mei are a very good couple, very simple, kind, warm, and loving. I met them at the restaurant outside the South Gate, which we had arranged to meet beforehand. Knowing that we like spicy food, they thoughtfully treated us to hot pot. Seeing them wave, we sat down facing each other and started talking about the weather, the climate differences between the South and the North. Later, the men's topic shifted to cross-strait relations, while Zhang Mei and I remained relatively silent.
After dinner, we went to sing karaoke, and everyone seemed very relaxed. My husband was very happy, drinking beer and singing old songs from his memories, as if he had returned to the season of love. He held the microphone in one hand, pointed at me with the other, and sang "My favorite is you," his dreamy eyes touching me. Xiao Liang and Zhang Mei sang a duet intimately, also very happy. We all passed the time in this relaxed manner; the dim lighting didn't create any feeling, and the love songs we sang were just beautiful notes. No one knew what to do or not to do. Around 11:30, we took a taxi to the wife-swapping club.
It was a typical two-person private space, simple and cozy inside. Stepping out from the living room, there was a large balcony. My crowded heart suddenly felt a moment of relief; the night breeze softened my heart.
As Xiao Liang walked onto the balcony, his hand briefly lingered on my waist, and I suddenly tensed up. I didn't dare look at Xiao Liang; I felt I would reveal my expression or desire. For a moment, I felt like I had fallen from a high place of fantasy to the ground; the clear feeling of falling brought clarity to my mind. To be honest, I think we're better suited to be friends than to playing this sex game.
After sitting for a while, I went to take a shower, and the waiter brought me a nightgown. I repeatedly told the waiter I wanted something modest, but when I came out, I still noticed half of my breast and my clearly visible areola. I covered my chest with my hands and sat next to Nanwei. Xiao Liang and Zhang Mei also took turns showering. Afterwards, we all sat obediently in the living room watching TV until after 1 a.m. the next day. The lights were bright, and there was no ambiguity between us. Nanwei turned off the living room lights, and we all started to smile knowingly. I was actually a little reluctant because I still harbored resentment towards Xiao Liang; he was the one who abandoned me and started pursuing Zhang Mei so madly.
As I write this, my hands are trembling a little, I don't know if it's fear or nervousness. I'm still wondering if I should record the following details in diary form.
I saw Nanwei sitting very properly, and I suddenly felt that doing so would be very unfair to Zhang Mei, so I encouraged Nanwei with my eyes. So Nanwei took Zhang Mei to another room, leaving only Xiao Liang and me.
Xiao Liang suggested turning off the lights, which I thought was a good idea; it might reduce visual pressure and lessen my guilt. Gradually, I felt Xiao Liang's breathing getting closer and closer. I wanted to escape, but my body pressed against him involuntarily. He put his left arm around my shoulder and his right arm around my chest, and I felt a warm current rush through my body. I collapsed down.
Actually, I felt relaxed then; perhaps the brief physical pleasure gave me a rare sense of tolerance and acceptance. Later, we did it in separate rooms. I remembered a similar scene with Xiao Liang many years ago; we were innocent then, but this time the feeling was unfamiliar, almost making me sad. Perhaps because of unfamiliarity or other reasons, my pleasure didn't arrive as expected.
I'm having trouble writing this far. The scene of making love with Xiao Liang that day keeps replaying in my mind. He penetrated me almost instantly, and I even experienced an orgasm I couldn't achieve with my husband. It was a strange feeling, as if I were born inside him at that moment. I thought about the year Xiao Liang betrayed me. Although I appeared calm on the surface, my heart was in unbearable pain, and yet I had actually slept with this person I once hated… I
feel nauseous. I hope these things will never happen again.
Nanwei won't be back tonight; he said he has to work overtime at the company. I poured myself a glass of red wine, wrapped myself in a blanket, and sank into the sofa. I wanted to pass out quickly, preferably never to wake up again… Sunday, April
27, 2003, Sunny
. There's no moonlight tonight, and my heart is as still as water. The lights aren't on in the house. A garbage truck is parked at the building entrance, and sanitation workers are loading the trash onto it. I don't know if Nanwei will ever see these diary entries I've written. If he does, what will he think? I don't want to guess; I'm afraid to guess now, afraid to remember. But some details I can't forget, even if I want to.
That night, while Xiao Liang and I were making love, he kept thinking about Zhang Mei. At one point, he even kept calling out Zhang Mei's name. I didn't care; I turned my head to the side and gave him a knowing, mischievous smile.
Later, after Zhang Mei and Nan Wei finished, she ran over to see us, but only glanced at us before running away again. Zhang Mei cried after she left, which reminded me of myself. Strangely, I didn't shed a single tear, nor could I find any trace of sadness. Nan Wei, Xiao Liang, and I comforted her.
Her crying was very infectious; her tears intensified the emotional element of the game. I felt that authenticity was good; if everyone were only indulging in pure physical pleasure, it would make us feel even more sorrowful, and we might even begin to doubt our attitude towards love.
Did we still have love?
Women are always somewhat sensitive, and I felt a deep tenderness for her, as if I were tenderly tender for myself. So I let Nan Wei hold her, while I hugged Nan Wei from behind. Actually, at that moment, I needed him too, but I didn't say it. I rested my head against his back, feeling the warmth of his back. This familiar, warm embrace—I couldn't bear to leave. It took a long time for Zhang Mei's emotions to stabilize, which I think was because of the simultaneous comforting from two men.
For some reason, at that moment, I was actually a little jealous of Zhang Mei.
Zhang Mei and I both believed that men derive more pleasure from this game than women. We were very friendly then, and her smile was captivating. After showering separately, we sat back down in the living room. We discussed how to sleep that night. Actually, while showering, I clearly told Nanwei that I didn't want to spend the whole night with Xiao Liang. This was true; I hadn't considered, nor did I want, my husband to spend the night with another woman. I was simply strongly insisting based on my own feelings. So, everyone tried to conceal their opinions during the discussion. Of course, expressing them explicitly inevitably hurt some vulnerable souls. I smiled and said I still wasn't used to sleeping with strangers. If the lights were on, everyone would see my honest, undisguised smile. Nanwei and Xiao Liang didn't really agree with me, as they were still discussing it. In the dim corner, Zhang Mei said, "You decide, I'm fine with whatever.
" All three of them said the same thing. I suddenly felt a sadness, a low mood, yet also stubbornness. Perhaps they were all hoping for a new feeling of sleep.
I still insisted on sleeping with Nanwei; otherwise, I really wouldn't feel comfortable. Nanwei and Xiaoliang both agreed. Nanwei and I returned to the room, and naturally, a slight unpleasantness ensued. I'm not the selfish, willful, or unreasonable woman. I blamed Nanwei for disregarding my feelings, for bringing me to such a place to play such games, for not cherishing me, for not loving me as much as he claimed, and for everything else. I hit him, pinched him, twisted him, and made him swear he loved me. I turned my back, crossed my arms, my hair hanging lonely on my chest, tears streaming down my face, my breathing heavy. I felt that sex made everything fragile; I was sad, I was afraid, I was alone.
My mother once said I was foolish. She saw me always giving in to Nanwei and said I lacked my own opinions, that I would definitely suffer in this area later. She was right.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003, light rain
. I think marriage should be a commitment, but sex clearly doesn't play a minor role in it. When this factor evolves into a crisis that both partners must face together, then according to the marriage contract, its resolution requires the joint responsibility of both spouses. One day I asked Nanwei why he went to a wife-swapping club for excitement. If you want to indulge or constantly try new things, you could simply find a lover outside the marriage, wouldn't that be more exciting?
Nanwei's answer touched me deeply. He said, "Because I love you, I don't want to find a lover outside the marriage. The wife-swapping club perfectly fulfills my wish; I want you to experience another kind of happiness.
" Women are just that silly. After he said those words, I don't know why my mood inexplicably improved. The aesthetic fatigue that arises between couples leads to a lack of passion in their emotional lives, and thus, wife-swapping clubs come into being. I remember that day, before leaving, Xiaoliang said to me, "Actually, neither of us was perfect. Those two days, we should have treated the stranger as if we were changing partners, but we cared too much about our other half, so we were very restrained." No one can be perfect for all four people at the same time, without any flaws. So, whether it's regret or happiness, what matters most is that it's in the past and has been experienced. Everyone says the first step is the hardest, but once you take it, you succeed. Sometimes, looking back, you feel caught off guard. The day I walked out of that club, I regretted not having a proper talk with Zhang Mei. She's a very tolerant woman, much more mature than me, and I like her very much.
Whenever we had free time, the four of us would go to the wife-swapping club. Those days felt like we were back in school, inseparable. Sometimes I'd mistake Xiao Liang for Nan Wei, sometimes I'd call Nan Wei Xiao Liang. Eventually, even I couldn't tell who was who. Zhang Mei wasn't shy anymore. Sometimes, the four of us would stand naked, touching each other.
In just one month, we seemed addicted to this game, meeting every week. We tried everything, feeling extremely uneasy, like a child who'd stolen too much, filled with fear. Suddenly, I was terrified. I didn't want to continue like this. I was afraid my love for Xiao Liang would rekindle. I didn't want to hurt Zhang Mei, nor did I want to destroy my current family.
I couldn't imagine what would happen if we continued like this. Perhaps in the end, all four of us would pay a heavy price. I didn't want to think about it anymore…
So our four-person sex game ended with my withdrawal.
We're practically an old married couple, with children, but this was our first time. In the blink of an eye, we experienced one of the most challenging things in our marriage. Therefore, we hope to have a quiet life, or rather, to live with a calm and contemplative attitude. We need to rekindle our love and cherish our family and children.
I just hope this ends here.
Thursday, July 10, 2003, Sunny
. My husband and I have had a peaceful two months. It's as if we've escaped from our four-person game, and I'm relieved.
During this time, Zhang Mei and I occasionally kept in touch. Once, we even met at a shopping mall and went shopping for clothes together, acting like sisters. I don't know if it was just maintaining a facade or if it was genuine.
But I've never contacted Xiao Liang. When he calls me, I hang up quickly because I'm afraid of seeing him, afraid he'll ask me out, afraid I'll miss his body.
Nanwei has recently taken to online chatting. Sometimes he's still chatting on the computer even after I'm asleep. I don't mind him seeking excitement online; I'm used to his liking for new things. I know he loves me, he only loves me, but in his understanding, his love for me comes from the heart, while his body craves novelty—that doesn't fall under the category of his love for me. I don't care. We've been married for so many years; I'm used to him arranging everything for me, and I'm used to following his instructions. I've never felt he's done anything wrong; I only hope my marriage is peaceful and harmonious.
But today he stopped chatting. He shook me awake while I was dozing off, and mysteriously said, "Wife, let's go there again." I knew "there" referred to—a wife-swapping club. I suddenly felt a little terrified. I was afraid to mention that place.
Ignoring my reaction, he said the club had a new service: six people could play together, meaning you could swap with two people at the same time in one night. I shook my head frantically, but Nanwei was excited and couldn't wait to try it.
He kept persuading me to try it again. You know, I'm soft-hearted and have never resisted Nanwei.
I didn't know what would happen next, but I knew I was powerless to change it. Suddenly, a thought popped into my head—that this game was adventurous and exciting—but this thought terrified me, and I smacked my head.
Sunday, July 13, 2003, Sunny
. Nanwei arranged everything and went to register.
He put on what he considered his best clothes and insisted that I wear a sexy backless dress. He said he didn't want his wife to be inferior to others. This made me very unhappy.
Fortunately, the people in the wife-swapping club weren't the kind of men and women who seemed shady. The seemingly respectable men and women secretly had ulterior motives; perhaps after finishing their contracts and signing, they were thinking of immediately going to the wife-swapping club for excitement. Exchanging their own wives to enjoy other people's wives, the men tacitly understood each other, and the women didn't feel they were losing out. They all got their own enjoyment.
This time, my partner was a 30-year-old man. He looked good, especially in his white shirt; I somewhat liked him. This relaxed my somewhat nervous heart.
Nanwei, however, seemed less satisfied with his partner, but since he had paid, he still reluctantly carried the woman with the somewhat exaggerated curly hair into the next room. I didn't like that woman either; she smiled flirtatiously, didn't glance at me, and didn't care about her husband sitting next to me.
This man was very reserved; he sat next to me without moving for a long time. Actually, I didn't particularly want it, so I sat quietly. My mind was filled with many things, like tomorrow's work meeting, what gift to give my mother for her birthday, and other small things. I was
even a little curious about this man. I handed him a glass of water, and when he took it, his hand visibly trembled. This small gesture made me laugh.
A while later, I heard the wanton sounds of a woman next door. They were making love. I knew how good Nanwei was; no woman was ever dissatisfied with him. He could make a woman feel very comfortable, yet he was gentle.
The man next to me frowned. I thought he might have been forced to come by his wife. He couldn't satisfy her, so he could only swallow his anger and watch his wife entangle with another woman's husband, while he dared not cross the line with me, a stranger.
He seemed so weak, having such a "domineering wife." I couldn't help but feel sorry for him.
I ignored him. I was used to the sounds from next door. I was incredibly sleepy, so I just lay down fully clothed.
Because I had to rush to an early meeting the next day, I left without saying goodbye to Nanwei. I glanced at the man fast asleep on the sofa. It was the first time I'd seen such a lovely man, and I felt an urge to pity him, but it was only for a moment, and I quickly dismissed the thought.
Thursday, September 25, 2003, Sunny
. Recently, Nanwei has been frequently bringing a couple over to play cards. Nanwei doesn't like playing mahjong, so we play cards, one team per player. If both members of a team are the first to play all their cards, they win a round. I didn't know the couple; Nanwei said they were his colleagues. The man's name was Wei Qing, and the woman's name was Li Fang. In these games, Nanwei and I were always on one team, and Wei Qing and Li Fang on the other. But I could sense the flirtatious glances between Nanwei and Li Fang, and Wei Qing was also giving me ambiguous looks. I gradually realized that everyone's real intentions in this game were not what they seemed.
One evening, Li Fang suddenly became boastful, saying, "We're playing like this all the time, can't we try something new? Nanwei and I will team up, and you two can team up." The three of us exclaimed in unison, "Sure!" So we broke with tradition. Surprisingly, we ended up with a draw, just like we usually do. Wei Qing jokingly said to Nan Wei, "I thought only Li Fang and I were truly in sync, turns out your wife is good too!" Nan Wei chimed in, "How about we switch wives and try it out?" Wei Qing laughed heartily and said, "I think it's a good idea.
" Afterwards, I went downstairs and bought some alcohol. We played cards and drank, while Wei Qing and Nan Wei kept telling dirty jokes. We laughed, drank, and played cards, and before we knew it, we were all drunk…
When I woke up, I realized that Wei Qing was sleeping next to me… I instinctively sat up abruptly. "Don't move," Li Ye reached out and pushed me down, putting a finger to his lips to indicate that someone was in the outer room of the suite. I immediately realized that Nanwei and Li Fang were sleeping outside. I lay down, my body stiff, afraid to move. It was so embarrassing, so embarrassing that I didn't dare look at Wei Qing, let alone the people outside. I buried my head in the blanket, wishing it were a magic blanket that would make me disappear... but I couldn't disappear.
Wei Qing then pulled me close. I tried to pull away, but he whispered that it was pointless. I asked him if we had done it. He countered, "What do you think?" I said I didn't know. He said, "You're such a silly girl." Then he burst out laughing.
This conversation, this scene, seemed like something I'd experienced a few months ago, with Xiao Liang and Zhang Mei as the main characters. But it felt like a thousand years had passed. Suddenly, my heart pounded, and a surge of tenderness rose within me. Honestly, I felt this time was both tender and exciting, even though it sounds shameless, it was my true feeling.
I didn't know if it was already dawn. When I heard the people outside leave and close the door, Wei Qing started getting dressed, and I felt a pang of reluctance. I lay motionless on the bed, watching Liye dress piece by piece until he was impeccably dressed and tied his tie. At that moment, I actually thought, "If this man were my husband, I would be just as happy." After thinking this, I mentally cursed myself, "Isn't this just being promiscuous?" But as he turned to leave, I called out to him. He stopped, but didn't look at me, saying, "I'm leaving now,
" and opened the door to the outer room. Whenever I close my eyes, all I see is Wei Qing's image, every detail of our time together. I savor each detail, just like when we were dating, feeling a strange excitement mixed with unease. If the last man was someone I knew from many years ago, this man is a complete stranger. I don't know where this feeling comes from, and I even vaguely hope that this story will continue.
The more decadent, the happier. Who said that? It's definitely derogatory. But I can't quite place it.
October 2nd, 2003, Thursday, cloudy and windy
. Ouyang is back. He went to France before, and we hadn't exchanged letters or phone calls for over two years. Yesterday, he suddenly called me, saying he wanted to see me.
Ouyang was a colleague at my former company. He's nearly 1.8 meters tall, a handsome and sunny man—the kind of clean-cut type I like. Ouyang and I were best friends at the company; we often went out to meet clients and discuss business together, and eventually we started calling each other brother and sister.
In a quiet teahouse on Qianyuan Avenue, Ouyang and I chatted casually, laughing softly and happily, like old friends. We could even read a hint of unease in each other's seemingly calm faces; we both seemed to be anticipating something deep inside.
Ouyang casually asked if I'd heard of a group in this city known as the "Three Highs"—high education, high income, and high standards—who had spontaneously organized an informal club, dubbed the "Wife-Swapping Club." Their motto was to advocate free sex; they satisfied their bodies, not their souls. They said, "We're friends, then we have sex, but we're still friends. Or, we have sex, we exchange sex, and that's why we're friends." I shook my head, feigning surprise, then nodded as if I understood.
Ouyang said he wanted to take me there, adding that he was already a member. I didn't agree, but suggested I bring my husband to Ouyang's house if we wanted to join. Ouyang paused, then chuckled. At that moment, I realized my face was burning, and I picked up my tea and drank.
To be honest, since my encounter with Wei Qing, I've suddenly realized I'm actually quite looking forward to this new marriage model. I know Nanwei is also hoping for the next wife-swapping couple to appear. After dinner, I told Nanwei about this idea. Nanwei brushed his teeth for a long time without reacting. After a long while, he spat out the toothpaste foam, smacked his lips, and said, "We can try.
" What a hypocrite. I cursed him inwardly.
With my careful planning, Ouyang brought his wife, Yu Juan, to my house that evening. At the dinner table, Nanwei kept glancing at Yu Juan sitting next to Ouyang. It was my first time meeting Yu Juan; she was a pretty girl, someone Nanwei should like.
Frankly, I've had feelings for Ouyang for two years. If I hadn't been pregnant then, I think I would have already cheated on him. After dinner, the usual commotion ensued. Ouyang, Nanwei, and I watched TV in the living room while Yujuan took a shower. Half an hour later, Ouyang and I went into the bedroom, while Nanwei and Yujuan went to the study.
Around dawn, Nanwei and Yujuan knocked and came in. Ouyang and I were still unclothed. They wanted to make love in our room and asked Ouyang to film it. I naturally told Ouyang, "You three come on, I'll film you." Nanwei shook his head and told me to watch them. They were very affectionate and engrossed. Later, Ouyang suggested we do it too, saying we could record it together. So, the four of us were on one bed, each making our own thing.
As I write this in my diary, the wind hasn't died down yet. A half-hidden moon peeks in through the window, and in this cool early morning, I feel like I'm seeing a pair of eyes watching me, so clear and bright. I'm deeply moved. I think my writing may disappear for a while, because it's obvious I've run out of things to say. My diary entries are a mess; I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. I hope my children, Nanwei, and my family will still love me, offer me a shoulder to lean on, and a chest to hold my tears.
I also hope that every night, or when the world is asleep, I will see a pair of clear eyes that belong only to me, gazing at me from afar, offering me limited comfort.

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