My Sexual Awakening (A Girl's Sexual Experience)

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-24

I think it started around fifteen or sixteen years old when I began to think about strange things, like

who I would have my first time with, whether I was a lewd woman, or what my first partner's body type and size would be

...

From sixteen onwards, I became interested in the opposite sex and had my first boyfriend. But I don't know if he

was oblivious or if I was just a late bloomer, we were used to gentle kisses and hugs. Back then, we didn't think much about what we were going to do; life

was simple and sweet.

I remember secretly reading my brother's erotic novel, I think it was one! I don't remember the specifics, I only

know that it was about a black man who slept with a boss's woman. The process was obviously exaggerated and unrealistic, but it was from there that I first

encountered some terms, like a shiny glans penis and a hot, iron-like penis, vagina, nectar... I think

that reading too much erotic literature would definitely have a negative impact on growing teenagers (especially boys),

just like porn can mislead people who lack proper sex education. The sensual stimulation described in erotic novels makes some

inexperienced people eager to try it out. However, some related common sense, such as contraception and prevention of sexually transmitted diseases, are ignored.

I still believe that people who are incapable of taking responsibility for themselves don't deserve to enjoy sex.

Enough, you might want to stop me from lecturing anymore. I know what you might want to see, but I don't know

if I'm capable of giving it to you. This is the first time I've written on this topic, and before getting to the main point, I want to state my

position: I think sex and making love are quite beautiful, but one must be mature and have a healthy attitude. I absolutely do not encourage

underage boys and girls to try it; they cannot handle the potential long-term consequences of momentary pleasure…

And thinking back to myself, although I didn't understand anything, my basic fears were still there, so my partner and I

were very careful. To be honest, the first few times weren't really enjoyable for me. When his penis entered me,

due to insufficient foreplay or nervousness, there was always a tearing pain. Now, when I don't want to or am tired,

I occasionally experience pain, but I've always been quite responsible in pleasing my partner (although often not proactive enough)

. I will seriously cooperate with his requests, such as positions, oral sex, caresses…

I enjoy watching men find sex with me incredibly pleasurable. I'm so cooperative that I've even developed a habit of

moaning during sex ; some men have told me that just hearing my moans makes them want to ejaculate… However, I don't

reach orgasm as easily as men might think. While moaning, sometimes I'm thinking about the music I'm listening to or tomorrow's homework

. According to the Kinsey Reports, I might never have an orgasm.

But sex still brings me unparalleled pleasure; I easily gain immense

satisfaction from having sex with men. I also enjoy men patting my butt and calling me slutty. Men like that kind of carefree, even vulgar, behavior in bed,

followed by a slightly resistant freshness after leaving the room…

My first real memory of a man's penis was around seventeen or eighteen! At our girls' school, we had to

wear knee-length black pleated skirts. They would show off our white, round calves. I think that kind of clothing might

arouse some men's excitement; otherwise, why would so many high school girls be sexually harassed?

Speaking of sexual harassment, I feel a surge of unease. Since I was ten, I've had extremely disgusting memories of perverts, but that

's not the focus of this discussion, so I'll leave it at that.

Commuting to and from school by bus was a daily routine back then. That summer, as usual, it was an extremely crowded bus.

I felt something hard pressing against my buttocks, and the man behind me had his hands comfortably on the handrails

. Not being stupid, I quickly realized which part of his body was touching me.

His disgusting smile and hot breath... I imagined that erect penis so close to my private parts.

My young, innocent body had aroused the desire of a lewd man, and he was about to violate me… If it were

me now, I'd probably curse him and pinch his penis to make him think twice about touching girls again. But

back then I let him press his penis against my buttocks. The bad impression left by that incident

didn't change even after I went to university. I've been close to several boys, but none of them were like my high school boyfriend,

let alone sleeping with me.

It wasn't until an experience during my freshman year that my world slowly changed.

Honestly, for a while, I was quite infatuated with a third-year student in my department. I often went to his off-campus apartment

to see him. We'd just listen to music, watch fish… I never even considered anything more than that. I was so stupid

back then .

The senior gave me a key, saying I could go there anytime to watch Channel 4. One afternoon, I skipped class and

went without knocking. The scene that greeted me, which I'm quite used to now,

was still terrifying for a freshman like me. The familiar senior, naked,

was moving up and down between a woman's legs, the sweat on his back glistening in the natural light. He was moaning, like an animal's

alarm, yet he was exerting himself greatly. The woman's body was blocked by him; I couldn't see her expression or hear

any sound. All I could see was the senior's continuous thrusting of his hips—it was exactly

like . I stood there watching them make love, not knowing how long it lasted. The more bewildered I became, the greater the shock I felt.

Sex, something I'd never experienced in my nineteen years of life, was right before my eyes.

The woman saw me; she screamed, and of course, she opened her body. I saw her

naked body ; her breasts weren't large, but they looked firm, and there was pubic hair. Looking at her, I felt a pang of comparison. She

immediately covered herself with a blanket. Then, my senior's completely naked back came into view. It was hard to imagine him without

clothes . Basketball players are indeed tall and slender; his back formed a beautiful curve. But his facial expression was

anything but perfect. When he turned to look at me, every muscle in his face was contorted.

"Little Fish..." (that was my nickname for a long time).

He pulled something to cover his genitals, so I didn't even see what his

penis looked like.

I was so terrified I couldn't move. The person I liked was sleeping with another woman; the shock was immense

… Once I came to my senses, I opened my mouth… and never went inside again.

The love story between a big boy and a little girl is funny. My senior came to me later and gave me a

long speech, the gist of which was that he wanted a sexual partner and a soulmate, and I was the latter... such

nonsense , but his "sexual partner" really upset him, and afterwards we became like strangers.

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The First Time

The first time I touched a man's penis was after several caresses with my boyfriend. I used to be quite

reserved , and I'm not afraid to admit it, but my boundaries slowly shifted. From not being able to take off my clothes, to not being able to take off my underwear, to

not being able to penetrate… but eventually, those boundaries were broken.

The first time my breasts were touched, although he was gentle, I didn't actually feel much pleasure. Perhaps it was

because we were both virgins, and we had to learn many experiences and feelings gradually.

At that time, I liked being deeply kissed, and then having him take off my clothes and massage me. I felt these

actions symbolized the intimacy between a couple and could increase their love. But my boyfriend clearly didn't just like

that; he often asked me to touch his penis. One afternoon, I finally couldn't resist my curiosity and reached into his underwear

, grasping his penis. It felt very hot and hard… I didn't carefully assess its size. I knew

he wanted to have sex with me, but he didn't dare to make the request rashly, and I didn't dare to agree easily. The mark of virginity

still represented on me, and I kept wondering whether to give it as a gift to my then-beloved boyfriend.

Looking back now, I can't help but think how foolish I was. Sex isn't a transaction; it conveys

intimacy. If someone treats their first time as something extraordinary, there's nothing wrong with that; it just

means they miss out on a few years of that pleasure.

Later, as our relationship deepened, we gradually loosened our boundaries.

After we were completely naked together and comforted each other several times, I knew my mindset had changed. I wanted to try making love to see what it was really like. And

honestly, I realized then that I was far from being truly chaste. Was virginity

really important to me, and was it really necessary to save it for my husband? And then carry that burden of chastity for the rest of my life?

Perhaps I finally understood, or perhaps I was blinded by passion. I forgot that two years ago,

on a summer night, I promised to make love to him.

The first time, we gave up because I couldn't find the opening.

The second time, I finally got in. This time there was enough foreplay, but being inexperienced, I still felt

unbearable pain. To make him happy, I endured it, saying it didn't hurt, but I bled.

This is my first blood, and after that, I lost my virginity. Looking at that bloodstain, I felt a pang of emotion,

but I also slowly came to understand my own nature. I wasn't a very dignified woman to begin with.

Why not describe my first experience in more detail? Because I really don't remember much, only that it hurt

and there was blood.

After a few "trials," I gradually felt less pain, so I started about three times a week.

At first, I always used the missionary position, which I used the longest, and to this day,

honestly, it's my favorite.

Actually, I don't think I was a very good sex partner back then. I would just lie there on the bed and let him do as he

pleased . Some of my techniques were learned later. The first thing I learned was how to moan, to moan so realistically

and lewdly. I knew that the man who had sex with me would feel a great sense of accomplishment because his woman moaned like that, and seeing him

happy made me even happier.

Haha, even I don't know if it's true. If it went in deep, I would moan loudly; if it went in shallow, I would whimper.

Anyway, sex is a two-way street. I cooperated earnestly, and he enjoyed it too.

Next, I learned how to bathe men.

I think I'm quite clever; I quickly learned how to please men by bathing them, and just lathering them with soap would make

them erect. There were also other services, like standing behind them and washing their backs with my breasts. They would eagerly touch

my body, even wanting to finish the bath quickly.

But I would also wash his genitals. The soap itself was slippery, and with my fingers, I would rub his

penis, gently tease his groin, and then wash his scrotum. I would stop after a short while because he

was enjoying it .

Because of my considerate nature, I wanted to make the other person as comfortable as possible; if it's sex, I wanted it to be unforgettable.

I refused to let others perform oral sex on me; I felt it was dirty. But the few times I did, it was truly unforgettable.

Like most women, my clitoris is particularly sensitive due to the concentration of capillaries. If someone bit my clitoris,

I was almost done for. As for my experience performing oral sex on others…

I'll talk about that next time!

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A little anecdote

Let me tell you something lighthearted...

I once went to see a pornographic film with my boyfriend. At that time, I was still very wary and fearful of these kinds of things... To be

honest, I was too scared to watch it. That film was quite "normal," just a beautiful girl being teased and

having sex with several men... I forgot to ask him how he felt... But once when I went to the movies

, we saw a really bad Category III film with scenes of the male and female leads caressing each other. I was being cheeky and touched his genitals, and found that he was

indeed erect... I even teased him about it!!

Another experience was when I went to see In the Realm of the Senses with a learning attitude. It's said to be the ancestor of Japanese pornographic films...

I believe it was all real... It was directed by Nagisa Oshima. The genre leans more towards art films; it's roughly

about a lecherous maid and her master… In pursuit of more thrills,

she accidentally strangles him… Then, the crazed protagonist cuts off the man's penis and wanders the streets of Tokyo…

I'd suggest that ordinary girls consider watching *In the Realm of the Senses*… perhaps the experience won't be too bad.

Later, I took a junior to see a pornographic film, and the experience was a bit strange… When two women were performing

oral sex on TV, my junior was snuggling against me… She said she'd never seen one before and needed an "expert"

to take her . But I think she was the one who really enjoyed it! She linked arms with me, leaned against me, and discussed

the plot… I don't know if she did it intentionally or unintentionally?? But it really terrified me… Later, when she asked me

to watch MTV, I was too scared to go with her to even watch regular movies.

Even now, we have a decoder on our fourth cable TV at home, and I've even watched clips of myself having sex in the mirror…

…I discovered the excitement level might be just as high… So now when I watch porn, I really don't feel anything at all, if anything,

it's probably excitement!!

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My Confession Part Two

I've been living alone for two years now. To say I'm living alone is a bit of a stretch; I

moved to , a veritable den of iniquity. I often stroll through the corridors of my building and

see many rooms with men's and women's shoes mixed together, so for students who regularly live on campus, it's hard to truly understand

what cohabitation is like. But to be honest, many college students have found boyfriends or girlfriends and

tasted the forbidden fruit during these four years. Now let me talk about my experience!

Moving out wasn't because I wanted to indulge in sensual pleasures; I just wanted a free

life. Before, my boyfriend's phone calls often disturbed my roommates, and I often stayed out all night, so I thought I'd just move

out after my sophomore year to avoid the hassle. Someone asked me why we didn't just live together, and I scolded him

for misunderstanding our relationship. But less than a month later, he moved in with me.

At first, I insisted he sleep on the floor and I on the bed, but men! There aren't many good ones.

He kept asking to sleep on top, and after a few days I agreed.

We actually had sex in July, so it's been two years now. In those two years, because of this experience,

my personality has definitely changed a lot. I've only had three real partners. One was only with

me once or twice , and the other two are still very close to me, meaning our relationships are partly based on sex.

One is my boyfriend, and the other is… I'm not sure how to define him; he already has a girlfriend, so I'm kind of his

, his mistress.

It sounds really immoral to say that. Do I have too much sexual need? Do I need more than one man

to satisfy me?

No, I like sex and enjoy it, but I rarely have a strong need. For me, being held in someone's arms while sleeping is

completely satisfying. When I'm alone, I rarely think about sex. At twenty-one, I

've never masturbated. I've known both of them for a long time and we have a deep bond. I enjoy being loved by them

, and I often feel that my body is a way of giving back, making them happy and loving me even more.

But saying that would be too self-aggrandizing. It's not like I haven't had

the experience of sleeping with guys I've only met once (with the third one, there was no emotional foundation, and I even gave him oral sex and let him ejaculate inside me).

So, I define myself as a free and easy woman, but definitely not a lustful one.

After living with my boyfriend for a while, we've had sex several times. I started bathing him and later gave him

oral sex.

Regarding men's penises, well, to be honest, I don't really like them.

Having three partners, I can slowly compare them. The first two were very large and thick, and the third is probably a normal

size, I think.

Now, let's get to a key point: do I like "big penises"?

The answer is not necessarily. A penis that's too big hurts me. Even now, after hundreds of sexual experiences

, it still sometimes hurts me. I have to make him happy while enduring the pain.

So, whether it's small or large, really, the most important thing is that we're happy together.

Speaking of penises, I think they're really ugly when they're not erect, and terrifying when they are. But I'll

finally appreciate someone's penis just to make them happy.

I've rambled on a lot, I'll continue next time!

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My Confession Part Three

Recently, I've noticed a lot of people developing a strong interest in "Heavy Metal Little Fish"... I

receive all sorts of letters almost every day—some want to know more about me, some urge me to write more, some have ulterior motives,

some... ask if I'm male or female. I find it a bit interesting. I usually reply with a few short sentences, kind of like

a writer replying to a reader's letter... Heh, but then again, I'm just someone expressing

my experiences. There's really no need to look at me with such strange eyes...

otherwise, I'll feel awkward. Also, just a small point: those internet addicts looking for casual sex don't need to

try contacting me. I have a boyfriend, although he's going to join the military. But you don't need to think I'd

find a man just to satisfy my physical needs. Didn't I already say I've never even masturbated?

I don't really need to find a sexual partner here... I just wanted a place to express the thoughts of a girl that are less

common to . Okay,

that's the preface...

Last night, I went to watch MTV. I first chose an anime called "Tragic Swordsman," which boasted about

its unique style, but there were only a few sex scenes... The anime itself was quite good though... I

watched it for two hours and then chose a Japanese adult film, translated as "masochistic." I haven't seen any SM adult films before,

so I wasn't particularly interested, but the old version seemed to be wrong... it was something about a woman in white, and the protagonist was Misato Nakayama.

Because of the mosaic, I couldn't see anything at all, which annoyed my boyfriend (although I don't know how to do it). He said he

wanted to change the film, so we went to choose a foreign film (he's definitely a guy who watches adult films often, he knows that foreign films

don't have mosaics, unlike me) called "Midnight Madness."

There was a slight plot, but most of the time was spent making love… I got really

sleepy watching it, and sometimes I even felt scared… The three male leads in the film were all comparing the size of their penises… huge and long,

which made my boyfriend very frustrated, saying that his wasn't actually that big… I was thinking, if yours really is that big

… then you should find a more capable woman! I don't think I could stand it… Later, I even used my

humorous nature to joke that the male leads in this film were chosen based on the size of their penises, and the biggest one was the

lead…

After watching the film, I went back to my room and looked at myself in the mirror. It was a bit silly, but I…

I think my genitals are probably prettier than those of other girls! At least they don't look like they've been ridden by a thousand people,

so I guess my vagina isn't too loose either...

My boyfriend is going home today... I don't know when we'll see each other again, but we've run out of condoms, and I'm

in my fertile period, so we can't do it, right? I wanted to try the breast sex I learned from porn, but my breasts

aren't big enough, and it would look a bit ugly to squeeze them together and put his penis in them... So I volunteered to give him oral sex... He

sat on me and made me lick his genitals with my tongue. We did this for a long time, but he didn't ejaculate. To be honest, my

mouth was numb, but he asked me if I was tired. Seeing how much he enjoyed it, I was too embarrassed to say I

didn't want to continue... After a while, he finally ejaculated on my face, which was a first for me

. Some of it also went into my mouth. I was mentally prepared to swallow it,

but ...

it was bitter and fishy... I forced myself to swallow it, and suddenly I felt that this was actually a kind of happiness...

That made it much better.

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My Confession Part Four

Last night, while watching the Sanlih E-Television program "Silver Night Hour," a young girl asked if frequent masturbation could improve

her complexion . It suddenly dawned on me that I hadn't masturbated in a long time… The doctor said that sexual urges should be addressed, but perhaps

it's because I've been too busy lately… So even though I'm alone every night, I haven't had time to think about it much… How absurd! I

was fantasizing that many working women are so busy with work that they become frigid? Or so busy that they don't have time to find

a partner , so they resort to masturbation?

That being said… I didn't think much more about it. I've heard that over 60% of women have

masturbated , and many of them achieve orgasm through masturbation. I find that amusing. Do the girls I know really

have masturbation experience? Those… those innocent faces, it's hard to imagine what they look like when they reach orgasm. But

regarding myself, some of my close friends often say that I don't seem like someone who does this kind of thing at all.

Also, a friend of mine recently got into trouble because her family

found out she had an abortion for her boyfriend. She wants him to take responsibility, but he refuses… It's still going on, and as an

outsider can't really help. But I really feel sorry for the girl… If you really want to have sex, you should take responsibility! Getting someone

pregnant, not being able to keep the child, and not wanting to marry them—this kind of guy has no right to expect anything from a woman

. Some guys are always trying to abduct young girls. It's best to be realistic. If you're not absolutely

sure you won't get someone pregnant, go find a prostitute and don't hurt good girls!

Some people might think I must have suffered a lot because of this anger.

Actually, because my periods are very irregular, often very late, which scares guys, I take

pregnancy tests frequently. And my body is funny—every time I take a test, my period comes the same night.

I think I'm a smart and lucky woman; by calculating my safe and fertile periods and using condoms, I haven't

had anything I regret. I love children, but right now I'm neither capable nor willing to raise

one .

If we don't use a condom, I get a bit neurotic. I'll shower as soon as possible after sex,

especially washing that area thoroughly… I don't think the contraceptive methods I use are very effective, but I've been incredibly

lucky. I once took birth control pills for a month, and that month my temper became erratic; I even hated

myself for it. So now I insist on using condoms unless I'm absolutely certain about the timing.

I feel this way because several of my close friends have become pregnant unintentionally, and abortion is

the only option. But the damage that inflicts on women is something most men wouldn't understand. One has

constant back pain, and she's only in her early twenties. Another has had two abortions. When the doctor asked her why she didn't just get married, my

classmate couldn't answer and could only cry.

I haven't seen any of their boyfriends step up to help them through this pain. A friend of mine asked me to take her for a pregnancy test one

night (because she thought I was more experienced, which I wasn't). At the OB-GYN,

the doctor casually asked, "You're a student at National Central University? How could you be so careless?"

I'm so glad I didn't kill a life or hurt myself, but

that's where my distrust of men comes from.

If you truly love her, protect her.

Sounds like I'm lecturing her, haha.

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Prelude to Love and Desire

She desperately tried to recall what she had seen in the meeting room at noon that day: Xiao Wang and Mary making love passionately

. Mary was on top of Xiao Wang, moving back and forth, and from above, she could see his penis

glistening with fluid…

She hadn't had sex in a long time—no, she had never considered it love; it was just boring sex. When she recalled

it… there were no pleasant memories, only waves of humiliation… So she simply

couldn't imagine why Mary seemed to be enjoying it so much… Although the room was dark, she could still

see what she called a wild smile on Mary's face, and Mary kept whispering, "

More, more," indicating that she liked it.

Was Xiao Wang different from her previous man? Could he bring a woman pleasure?

This thought stirred a flutter in her heart, but her long-standing aversion to Xiao Wang suppressed

it . She was still a lovable, delicate girl—perhaps that's a bit of an exaggeration, since she wasn't

particularly beautiful, but she did appear quiet and well-behaved… This kind of girl easily wins over boys, so she

had suitors since her freshman year. One of them, Li Dawei, pursued her all the way to her junior year, finally

winning her over and they became a couple.

What's wrong with such memories? Of course not. It's that after becoming her boyfriend, Li's personality

gradually changed. One night, Li intentionally assaulted her. She resisted for a long time, and seeing he couldn't succeed, Li switched to another…

He launched a series of offensives, promising to marry her, and her complete devotion to Li made her believe him without a shred of doubt.

When Li whispered in her ear, "I'm your grandmother..." that was the moment he truly possessed her. She didn't like it at

all , but for his sake, she suppressed her fear... During that period, she let Li

experience a woman's body and love, but perhaps Li wasn't gentle enough; she was always

afraid , afraid of Li being too rough, afraid of getting pregnant. Li didn't use condoms, at most only pulling his penis

out after ejaculation. Being young and naive, she actually became pregnant with Li's child.

Li had no money, so she used her savings to abort the child.

After her abortion, Li stopped liking her. Her health deteriorated, she repeatedly rejected Li's advances, and the shadow of

pregnancy remained in her mind. So Li visited her even less. When she went to Li's place

to clean , she found several used condoms in the trash can. She was heartbroken. Li had been with her for so long and

never used condoms, but now that he had a new woman, he was using them.

Finally, Chen Xiaoyan saw through Li's heart and decided to leave him to start anew.

However, some nasty rumors began to circulate around her, saying that Chen Xiaoyan was a woman who had had an abortion and that she

was terrible in bed, like a dead fish... When she heard these rumors, she almost couldn't bear it and wanted to die.

She knew who was spreading them, but she didn't have the courage to confront him. She was already a senior in college but

had to drop out. Then, without her parents' knowledge, she requested to transfer back to Taipei to study due to health reasons.

Her bleak past made Chen Xiaoyan hate men. After graduating from university, she worked at this company and was attracted to

many of her female colleagues. So she stayed there steadily for five years without any intention of changing jobs

. She was single-mindedly focused on saving money, saving until one day she wouldn't have to work and wouldn't have to worry about food and clothing. Then she would leave the city and go to a

place where no one knew her, to live a quiet life.

Living with this thought in mind, Chen Xiaoyan became a monster in the eyes of her colleagues. She was always popular, but

she avoided men like the plague, unlike her colleagues who were constantly looking for good men.

Gradually, she knew she would become what others called an old maid. A few thoughts flashed through her mind:

perhaps she would meet a wonderful man who didn't care about her past, and fall in love again. But… the

conventional, dark thoughts about men were deeply ingrained in her mind. She couldn't accept men's attention; she would involuntarily think of obscene things

and feel nauseous.

Until she saw Xiao Wang and Mary… a certain enzyme slowly began to change in her heart, though she didn't

yet realize it.

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My Confession Five

This time, it's to repent for my absurdity.

Last Sunday was my boyfriend's last weekend as a free man, so

after , I decided to take the night bus to Kaohsiung to spend a Sunday with him, then take the 11 pm night bus back to

Zhongli. Everything was planned perfectly, and I was really looking forward to seeing him.

He left me with two condoms, which I had originally intended to bring. I also thought that

after this time with him, I might not know when I'd open the door for anyone else again. Indeed, I secretly decided that

this time I would return to a pure state, adjusting my identity to that of someone waiting for my boyfriend to finish his military service so we could go

abroad . I should completely reject any temptations.

I felt I did a good job. At the cram school, there were more women than men, and only a few young

boys After returning to my place, I didn't feel anxious about not receiving a barrage of phone calls. I

could watch TV, listen to heavy metal, do housework, and read books by myself—everything was peaceful and natural.

Later, when I went to Kaohsiung, something came up, and I left quickly, forgetting the condoms.

We spent a day in Kaohsiung, visiting some famous places I'd never been before, and had a great time.

By the afternoon, we were both tired. I suggested we find a hotel to rest, but my boyfriend had no

experience with hotels and completely believed I didn't. So we rode our scooter all over Kaohsiung, searching for

a . Finally, we found one opposite Kaohsiung Central Station. I found it funny;

it's a hotel, after all. A young couple going in doesn't need to care about the hotel's reputation, and it's obvious we were going to have sex.

But he was concerned, so I went along with him.

I've had many experiences with hotels, from resting to staying overnight, and my boyfriend was completely unaware.

I wanted to change that, not wanting to carry any more secrets, especially since my boyfriend loves me very much.

But…

even though I had just finished my period that day, I always use condoms when I have sex with my boyfriend because

about six months ago, we had sex too vigorously, and his glans broke and bled. At the time, we didn't realize

it was just a minor injury, and we were both very nervous.

At that time, our personalities clashed.

I was decisive and quick to make decisions, but often regretted them. He was indecisive, thoughtful, and meticulous. He

had a problem with his private parts, and I wanted him to see a urologist, but he was afraid of losing face. We

almost , because when I was a freshman in college, I didn't know I could buy pregnancy tests and foolishly went to the OB-GYN to

take one by myself. He was too scared to go in with me and just waited for me outside.

I wanted to cry, but I'm usually strong in big situations, so I went in alone and took care of everything. He, on the other hand

, hesitated to see a doctor, afraid of being recognized and losing face. I couldn't bear to see him like that,

so I drove him to a larger hospital with a urology department, registered him, and took him to wait for the doctor.

The examination revealed it was just a superficial injury, caused by rough handling. He was initially too scared to have sex, but after

a while... We started thinking about it, and we discovered that using condoms could protect his glans, so

from then , we always used condoms during sex. To be honest, sometimes when foreplay wasn't enough, condoms with lubricant

were actually better for me.

We usually used Durex, the British brand, which had a sweet, creamy flavor; I thought it was safe enough

since I'd never been pregnant.

We went to a hotel, showered together, and naturally, we ended up having sex. I gave him passionate oral sex and carefully showered him.

Once in bed, in the hotel room I didn't have to worry about disturbing others, so I could moan freely. My

boyfriend, who usually makes a little noise during sex, was also quite loud that time. All in all, it was a wonderful sexual experience.

And I considered it my last one for a while, so I cherished it even more. After a reluctant goodbye,

we knew we really couldn't be sure when we would see each other again, so we promised to write to each other frequently. He even took me to Weiwuying to see

the location so I could visit guests alone in the future.

My heart was completely prepared for my boyfriend's enlistment.

July 20th was the day he officially enlisted. On the 19th, I arranged to call him at 11 o'clock, and even bought

a brand new phone card. Even if we just talked nonsense, I wanted to firmly hold onto all his voice and image.

At 10:20, I was reading a magazine alone in a convenience store near my home, feeling relatively relaxed.

Someone walked up in front of me, startling me so much that I dropped the magazine.

It was the person I had been intimate with multiple times! He had come to find me without telling me, and I

didn't know what to say. I originally thought his relationship with his girlfriend was stable. We lived in Taipei and Zhongli respectively, occasionally

talking on the phone, so we didn't need to see each other often. Yet he came to see me here…

His first question was whether I welcomed him. Of course, I said I was happy; seeing someone so close to me

is always a joy.

But it was the day before my boyfriend enlisted in the military, and I knew the situation was beyond my control.

Since he was in the central government, he stayed at my place. Staying together meant, of course, sleeping together.

Neither of us had feelings for each other's partners; we could even chat and joke easily.

So… after showering, we actually made love, and my boyfriend was leaving

for the military … His beloved girlfriend doing this…

I hated myself a little, but on the other hand, I was indifferent, because I'd been

living this life of having two lovers for almost a year. How was this day any different from the previous dozens or hundreds of days? But… God, it felt

like there were two of me splitting apart, one incredibly faithful, the other wanton, no, indifferent to everything.

Anyway, he came to me himself... I didn't actively seduce anyone...

Maybe that's how I think...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My Confession Six

From my youthful ignorance to the increasing absurdity after having a boyfriend, now that he's enlisted,

I've finally returned to the purity of life.

It turns out that my destiny chart has peach blossom luck, and for the first time, I've realized that I can live well alone

without . Although I sometimes think about sleeping without another person's warmth, or more

primally, without anyone to ignite my desires, the fire that was burning within me has slowly

cooled down in this loneliness...

Yesterday, while chatting with a netizen on Taobao, he suddenly asked very directly, "Haven't you done it in a long time, have you?"

That's right, my boyfriend enlisted on July 20th, and I slept with another man the night before he joined the army,

so it was July 19th, and yesterday was already August 15th.

It's been almost a month since I've been intimate with anyone, and I can hardly believe it myself. I used to be quite promiscuous.

Maybe it wasn't promiscuity, but I rarely made direct advances. However, if someone wanted it, even if it was only an hour ago, I

wouldn't refuse.

Like a tender fish that has been nourished by a man, I'm slowly withering away.

But work has kept me too busy and unwilling to think about sex.

Even some of the guys who used to buzz around me like flies have disappeared. I haven't looked at my own face in a long time;

I guess I'm becoming increasingly unattractive, which is why people have lost their appetite for me.

That's what I say, but having gotten used to being alone, I'm actually a little resistant to having someone involved. But

there's someone far away who loves me, and I believe his heart is always with me, so although I'm lonely,

I'm at peace.

And… what about the other person I was secretly seeing? We've been secretly dating for almost a year now,

so why has he contacted me less since my boyfriend left?

Since he also got a job in Taipei, it's like he's been nailed there, only free on Sundays.

And Sundays are also my family gatherings, so naturally we don't meet.

But… as he said, our relationship is clear and won't change in the short term, it's just… we're good friends on

the surface , but secretly we'll take each other to hotels or something. I think if we meet again, we

'll definitely end up sleeping together. I can't give a reason to refuse, and maybe I need someone who's close to me both physically and

emotionally , or maybe one lover isn't enough for me, and perhaps for many people, even one lover

isn't enough!

Our relationship is clear, we're close. Although we haven't seen each other for almost a month, we talk on

the phone every two or three days. He always tells me everything, it feels a bit like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, but it's not at all,

because I always tell him everything that happened when I visited my boyfriend, and he

asks me for advice on what's going on with his girlfriend and what problems they're having. This twisted love is unacceptable to worldly morality, yet we both

find it sweet. I imagine some people envy me, or envy him, having

a . Actually, it's immoral, placed in

a precarious balance; if one side tilts even slightly, it's all over. And I doubt many people could truly accept it

! If your partner is playing with fire, you'd certainly suffer. People should put themselves in your partner's shoes; what you

wouldn't want to suffer, you shouldn't burden your loved ones with.

And me… I don't know. I'm not good at rejecting kindness, yet it drags me into emotional

entanglements . Do I really need to cheat? I think maybe not. I think I'm a very cold person at heart,

indifferent to how I'll become in the future. And if someone truly needs me, I can't think of a reason not to be with them.

And my poor boyfriend—in one way, I'm incredibly good to him; in another, I constantly bring him shame.

I'm a lovely, creative, and clingy lover; I make him happy every day. My considerate nature makes...

He loves me even more now. Sexually speaking, I think the word "conservative" has absolutely nothing to do with me. I believe that

since it's called "making love," it should truly be about love, so it requires deliberate effort.

Even if I'm not naturally that kind of woman, I want to be my best in front of him and

make him think he's a great man, so he enjoys making love with me, and of course, I can too.

But I'm too prone to cheating. He forgave me once, only to be betrayed by me again without his knowledge.

I don't know if he'll go crazy or

kill

to think about it clearly, so I'll just let time answer everything for me.

On Sunday, I met him at his house because I was on honorary leave. I was menstruating, so I

could .

I offered to give him oral sex, and seeing his penis, which I hadn't touched for a whole month, was a huge surprise. To be honest, my

boyfriend's is the biggest and most beautiful I've ever seen. It's very straight, and when the pulse on it throbs from erection

, I don't know if I'm perverted, but I really like that feeling.

So, I started by sucking his scrotum, then licked upwards from his groin. The downside was that his pubic hair was too thick, and I often ended up

eating hair halfway through. So, it was best to just lick his glans first and then gently bite his penis. The familiar, slightly

unpleasant smell might deter some people, but with a few years of experience, I was already used to that

stuffy, slightly nauseating smell.

After licking, the way to give him the greatest pleasure was to take his penis into my mouth and suck on it repeatedly

.

The trick was to use a little force with my mouth, and to tighten it a bit when sucking back. I think men

like .

I had a feeling that if I kept sucking, he would ejaculate, since he had "held" it for quite a while.

To avoid trouble, I stopped on my own, and since he was considerate, he wouldn't force me if I said no.

He then asked me to take off my shirt so he could suck on my nipples, and a wave of pleasure surged up my chest.

I think I also need men, but this desire is easily diminished. So after returning to Zhongli

, I was still alone, still not masturbating or anything like that.

That's my report for this period.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My Confession Seven

After a long period of silence... I found myself almost afraid to look at what I wrote before. It was too real...

and too self-centered. Originally, I planned to share my experiences from a very detached perspective. If it helped

others , great; if not, fine too. Anyway, I was just telling the truth about what I had to say...

But as I became more involved online, quite a few people started paying attention to me. Many of them were kind

, worried about the many problems a young woman like me might face... I'm very grateful, truly grateful.

To be honest, I'm quite wary of people I meet in this environment because they might have

a , or mistakenly think I'm easy to sleep with... In some ways, I am easy to sleep with! What I'm going to talk about now

is an experience of being slept with.

It's actually quite cruel to say, I think it's too cruel for me, or for him, but he's my

fourth man. If I don't talk about the fourth one, it'll get boring talking about the first three all the time, right?

This fourth one is a netizen, a netizen I really like.

To be honest, while my boyfriend was in the military and I was living alone, sometimes I just wanted a

man to keep me company. My "brother" would sometimes come to see me, and when he did, we'd have sex, but...

the thought of seeking a little extra excitement always lingered in my mind. When I thought about how hard my boyfriend was working, I suppressed

it; when I thought about how pitiful I was, I felt a little resentful.

That's how we became closer online. Although we were very familiar with each other online, and I was very honest with him, I

sometimes had some inexplicable fantasies about him, and I think he felt the same way about me!

We were very proper; we didn't talk about having sex online, nor did we talk about too many lewd things.

But it was a feeling, a feeling that we both had some hidden bad thoughts. I even thought about going to see him...

and then seducing him... and having sex with him. But the more he cared for me, the less I had those thoughts. Maybe

it was because he had a girlfriend, and I was afraid of getting into trouble.

But… I don’t know if I was wrong, but he was extremely concerned about me and decided to come see me.

I missed him the first time because I wasn’t there, but we met the second time.

He was quite handsome, a good guy. He was also a very nice person… I’m sure of that.

I took him to see an MTV… “True Love for a Lifetime,” a three-view film. After watching it for what felt like forever, he started

hugging me and wanted to kiss me. I wanted to resist… because although my intuition told me I would end up sleeping with him… I

felt guilty because my boyfriend loved me very much, and I was already confused enough.

I still let him kiss me, even though I might not have that kind of love for him, maybe… I don’t know.

His kisses were wild, and I really liked them… it felt like he wanted to turn my tongue inside out…

Later in the MTV, he wanted to touch me… I still didn’t want to actually do anything, so I declined, saying I wanted to watch

the movie. He still held me and kissed me restlessly.

At that moment, I knew I was going to sleep with him.

In the MTV, he started touching my breasts… My body began to

ignite , and I wanted passion… but in some ways, I was indifferent.

I can sleep with someone I've only met once… This is the second time already, and there

might be a third or fourth…

When he bit my breasts… to be honest… I've seen people with better technique… His touch was too gentle

… I wanted something wilder…

But he's a great sex partner, I won't deny it.

I think he enjoys sex a lot too…

But for me, sex is one part of the enjoyment, and I enjoy other parts as well.

I enjoy kissing… I enjoy caressing… I enjoy oral sex… I enjoy making love… and I enjoy the

intimacy .

I can't enjoy the latter with him... I don't know why, some actions have become distorted for me

... Maybe it's because I only truly love one person! But... that night was still a wonderful experience,

so wonderful that thinking about it makes me a little melancholy... Because if it's a friend I can sleep with,

I won't care how he's doing with his girlfriend. When I need you, you can give me what I need, and

you'll love me in some way too. I know I won't make any demands, as long as I don't feel guilty... it's a mutually beneficial arrangement.

But the problem lies in the guilty conscience.

Ah... I have to go... [I'll tell you the real process of making love with him next time!]

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My Confession Part Eight

I wanted to use the forwarding function to post this, but I don't know if I'm stupid or if it's not working, anyway, it hasn't

worked. I've been writing for a long, long time, and I don't have many exams, but I'm always worried that

if I come here to play around, I'll get caught by some people who love to watch the drama, and that would be terrible... I'll stay away.

Whether you're just watching the show or listening to other people's experiences, why pay so much attention to me?

I'll write it quickly!

Last Sunday, my boyfriend had a rare long weekend, and I hadn't been to Kaohsiung in a long time,

so he asked me to come visit him, and of course I went without hesitation... We happened to witness the fire at Tatung Department Store, so my

boyfriend strolled around the night market near Tatung, ate, and watched the fire, kind of like spectators... There,

we ate at a small restaurant called Weikennd and encountered two very girly guys. We kept wondering

if they were guys who did takeout. I suddenly remembered a gossip magazine article I read recently saying that being a male escort is a very popular

profession. Youth and good looks are really useful assets, even for men…

My boyfriend and I haven’t had sex in a long time, and lately my sex life has

become very infrequent. Compared to “before”… I feel a little melancholy…

I didn’t really want to do it. First, I felt a little unfamiliar with my boyfriend after not seeing him for so long, and second,

time was limited, unlike when I was in school where I could just go to his room or mine… But being in the military for a long time is always

a very depressing thing. Actually, I didn’t really want to, but I thought that if I did it, it would make him happier,

so I took the initiative to ask him if he wanted to. He said, of course he wanted to. But no… My boyfriend is more

rational and conservative than romantic and passionate, but one advantage of having a girlfriend like me is that I try to influence him

… I don’t deny that I’m quite wild in some ways, which is probably one of the factors that attract some people

!

I bluntly asked him if he really wanted to, and if he did, then do it without hesitation. A hint of joy flashed in his eyes.

I think he definitely wanted to see me but was afraid of making a unreasonable request, because I flew there specifically to see him

and then had to take a night bus back to school. I was sleep-deprived and looked exhausted, probably not in the best

condition.

But honestly, being able to be that intimate with my boyfriend is a good thing for me… I should

have a closer emotional connection with him… I've separated sex from love… Maybe I

can do that, but my boyfriend doesn't seem to. At least for the past two or three years, I know I'm his only

partner

… He's not a lecherous man; he prefers intimacy to wasting his sperm… When he

confidently says that even if I have other suitors, he knows I'll choose him because no one else

will love me like he does…

I'm also confused about myself. In terms of sexual ability and enjoyment, my boyfriend gives me the

best pleasure. His organs are naturally magnificent and firm, and his stamina and variety are second to none… He

truly loves me to the point of madness… In terms of appearance, he's already very good…

What am I doing? I'm not unlucky, but is it because he spoils me too much that I'm about to cheat on him without his

knowledge ?

Later, we rode our bikes around the city looking for a hotel. I've forgotten the name of one now, and I even

bought condoms at a convenience store—the usual DURE X brand, the kind we both love with its caramel scent

… I'm not sure if condoms have gone up in price lately, but after checking into the room, I took a shower and was

so engrossed in the heat that I didn't want to come out. My boyfriend was watching porn outside and was already getting aroused. We

usually don't lock the door if we don't shower together, so he ran in naked, his

well-trained muscles gleaming under the light. I made room in the bathtub for him to bathe, and

after a while, he got restless and said he wanted to kiss me. That's our term; saying "I want to give you oral sex" seems too

formal. Kiss is a very intimate verb...

As soon as I said that, he leaned over, half his body in the water, his head buried in my lower body, first sucking my labia minora

and then biting my clitoris... My body started to writhe... partly because of the stimulation and partly because of being aroused

... I really wanted to make him feel something...

Oh, I have to go to class now, I'll write more next time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My Confession Part Nine

Looking back at those unbearable days, and reflecting on my final decision to be normal, I don't know

how long I can hold on. I should be responsible for only one person, yet I seem too careless.

I often think I'm someone who can completely separate sex and love, but

maybe not for the person I'm with. From his anxious tone, I know he's terrified of

losing me without knowing the truth. So, he usually barely cares about my whereabouts, but lately he's been constantly asking

where , and he's also worried about what my not writing letters means.

Because I'm also afraid of losing him, I think I'll never admit what I've done,

including spending the night with four other guys besides him.

Yes, four, although I understand that apart from my "sworn brother," I have no emotional entanglements with anyone else.

And now, it finally seems like everything is back to normal. I'm a good girl whose boyfriend is in the military. My "brother"

and I haven't been in touch for a long time. Even when we went to the movies together last week, we barely touched each other.

I had a fleeting impulse to hug him and cling to him like we used to. And then, after the movie, I just randomly picked

a hotel and we'd have sex twice. I haven't had sex in a long time, but I don't know why. He

suggested it Later, when we talked on the phone, I asked him if he would want me when we met that day. He

said he would. I shouldn't have been so smug then, but I was genuinely happy that he still wanted me.

Even though he has a girl he loves very much and has decided to abandon his unbearable past for her,

we still feel the urge to have sex when we meet again.

And, I have to admit, I've met another great guy. We've known each other for a long time

without anything going on . But suddenly, I noticed he has very beautiful eyes. I think about how all the guys I've been with have beautiful eyes. I have an incurable obsession with big eyes, just like I'm extremely enamored with having big eyes

myself .

So, I couldn't figure out who seduced whom first. It seemed like we had a tacit understanding that it was

time to be upfront. We both had lovers, and we agreed not to get entangled, so it was settled. After all,

sex is just that—a process of caressing and penetration, which might bring me some pleasure.

I think maybe I'm just too lonely. Although I have someone I love, I long for someone to hold

me on certain nights, to enjoy my body and for me to enjoy theirs, without causing any trouble for either of us. Maybe that's what

I want.

It's also a bit like an obsession. I remember that among Fumi Saimon's classmates, Hiroshi Asuka had

slept with 24 women by the age of 31. He said that later it became just a matter of conquering numbers. I think

I'm the same. I really wonder if I'll have such an "impressive record" when I'm 31.

Maybe not. I still care about my boyfriend. I'm the only woman he's ever been with. He still

loves me so much without even knowing what I've done. If he really didn't care at all, then I'd definitely

have . But... the voices of good and evil battled within my mind.

Who would ultimately prevail? Sometimes pure, sometimes lustful, so many different voices pressured me...

perhaps I should be punished for everything I've done!

I enjoy caresses more than sex itself. Lately, I've come to a profound realization that all my passion during

sex can be faked. I don't want my partner to think I'm frigid, or that he

might not be doing it well enough (of course, sometimes he really might not be), but my reaction seems uniformly one of intense

pleasure... Am I really that easily satisfied? Actually, no. Only in rare cases do I almost

reach a state of ecstasy, but most of the time, while I seem very engaged, my heart only desires to see him enjoying himself.

I can't describe in detail the mental and physical pleasure a woman can experience during sex, mainly

because sometimes I don't care what I'm thinking, and I can't accurately gauge the extent of my pleasure

. I focus on carefully observing my partner; if

he happy. No wonder I seem to have never reached orgasm.

Someone once told me that among all the girls he'd slept with, I was the most skilled and the most wanton in bed.

I don't know if that's a compliment or sarcasm? Maybe I can make guys feel good, I don't know

if it's possible , but sometimes I feel completely unable to connect with them on a deeper level, which I find pathetic.

Even if I don't love someone, I can still bathe him, delicately lather his penis with

soap with my hands, wash it clean, and then kneel down to give him oral sex in the bathroom… Even if I don't love

someone, I still swallowed his semen, pretending to enjoy it. God knows how awful that tastes;

I wanted to vomit it up immediately. I'm sure no guy would enjoy drinking his own semen. I can actually

do this for a stranger; I really wonder if I'm essentially a prostitute, only refusing payment because I still have

dignity .

I just watched an HBO film called "Sleeping with a Stranger" and vented a lot, but I think

it to change this personality trait anytime soon!

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