【Confusion】(Tenderness—Kyoto's Sealed Memories)

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-24

Confusion

In everyone's life, there's an unavoidable pool of

both stagnation and treasure. All the good and bad are buried within. Uncovering it sometimes brings a urge to speak out. I'm

sharing with everyone, partly as a memory of my past.

I'm in my thirties, with a job I love and a decent income. Perhaps life has become too mundane.

Although we've been married for several years, our relationship feels like a repetitive cycle, devoid of any real connection.

My wife married me when I had little money. Since we met, we've been through thick and thin together.

During the most difficult time, when I resigned from my state-owned enterprise job, I asked her to leave me. Even she

might have hesitated, but she didn't; she stayed with me through it all.

I did it out of pride. I hated the attitudes of those leaders in state-owned enterprises and refused to believe I

couldn't . On the contrary, I'm doing very well now. I truly regret leaving the workforce so late. I should have ventured out right after graduating from university

instead of staying in a state-owned enterprise. It's still the same kind of struggle, but completely different.

Now that life is stable, my feelings have faded; the initial excitement is long gone. My emotions have always been rich

and delicate. At this age, it's no longer about being handsome or not; a man

's charm grows with age and experience, something I can clearly feel. The

comfort of work and life fills me with confidence, and my heart is restless.

But I never dare to visit prostitutes, no matter how alluring or beautiful they are. It's not that I'm afraid of the money—it's mainly because I'm afraid of

uncleanliness diseases. Visiting prostitutes is the most pointless thing I do; it's what migrant workers do, and it's too dirty. It doesn't reach

the ultimate level of mutual pleasure.

What I want is physical intimacy, the ultimate passion of love, a feeling of complete immersion,

conquest rather than release. Marriage is just fulfilling obligations; the actions are rigid and monotonous

, yet still require tenderness. There's no passion left. Love has long since been worn down to a kind of familial affection that's indifferent when gained but

excruciating Marriage is the grave of love; those who haven't experienced marriage won't truly understand

the meaning of this statement.

If everything could be done over, I believe most people would choose differently. At least,

few of my friends' marriages are happy.

Marriage truly is an endless stream of troubles…

As I get older, I become increasingly lazy. Besides work, I have neither the time nor the energy

to socialize, my social circle shrinks, and friends drift away one by one. Finding someone who reciprocates my feelings is quite difficult

.

Work requires me to be online almost every day, chatting sporadically, just to

kill time in my spare moments.

One day, I was on QQ when someone messaged me. I chatted with them casually, and then one person

piqued my interest. At first, she ignored me, but after a long pause, she spoke. I asked if she was male or

female, and she said yes. I asked her for her phone number, and she readily gave me one. I

noticed the number wasn't far from my apartment; it was from the same bureau, so I called.

Sure enough, on the phone, she said she was a manager at a famous five-star hotel in Beijing and wanted a

lover . She had broken up with her boyfriend and was in great pain.

I joked with her, saying I could do it, I guarantee you'd never forget me. We teased each other a lot, but I didn't

take it to heart —who believes things like this in the virtual world?

We chatted for a while longer. Because I didn't quite believe her, I wasn't very polite, implying that it was

fine if she wasn't good-looking, and she said she was very ugly.

After the call, she cursed me on QQ for being unmanly and probably terrible in bed. I

didn't care at all and even mocked her:

"Whatever you say doesn't matter, we can't see each other anyway."

Later, she asked me, "So, do you still want to be with me?"

"I'm great, my moans are beautiful, it's just that you'll never get to experience them." It

was the first time I'd seen such a blatant confession, and I was excited. This also piqued my curiosity, and I decided

to see what kind of woman she was. It was the first time a woman had expressed herself so openly in front of me.

Later, she left her address and told me to come over right away.

I knew that place, but who would invite someone there so late at night? They're either crazy, playing a prank,

or trying to murder me. I told her we'd talk another day, and we arranged a time on QQ.

But things didn't go smoothly. Because I really didn't believe in these kinds of things, I called her the next day

to confirm if she was lying to me. An elderly woman answered, saying she was on the night shift, which reassured me.

But that very night, she accused me of breaking my promise and harassing her with phone calls. I was so annoyed by her behavior that

I said, "Fine, whatever. I just want to know if you're lying to me. I just want proof, to see

if you're playing a trick on me, if such people really exist."

I thought that was the end of it, but unexpectedly, she contacted me again on QQ on the third day. She told me she had

her reasons; her parents didn't want her online friends to contact her, saying there were too many online scammers. I was surprised that she was 26

and didn't have that kind of freedom. I told her I wasn't a scammer; I just wanted to prove whether she was lying to me or not. Whether we did it or not

didn't matter. I asked her if she still wanted to see me, and she said yes, and we would meet at the agreed time.

On the appointed day, she messaged me again, telling me she had attended a friend's wedding that night, drank a lot

, and felt very sad seeing others so happy. She didn't want to do it anymore; she didn't want to be a bad woman.

She even said that if my wife did that, I would definitely kill her…

I immediately got angry and called her, scolding her on the phone, calling her a scammer, saying that if she

wanted to play me from the beginning, why wait until now? People should be honest, and she shouldn't lie to people online anymore. She said

that lying too much would bring retribution, and God would know. Even online, one should be honest.

Of course, now that I've spent more time on QQ, I encounter all sorts of netizens, some genuine and some fake

, some real and some not. I'm no longer as naive and impulsive as I was back then. But I was indeed very serious and naive back then,

which was in such a hurry. Actually, I always believe that a person should be

honest, whether in real life or in the virtual world. If you tell a lie, others may not know, but God knows. This is the foundation of being a good person.

After talking to her, I hung up and turned off QQ. Shortly after, she called back, her tone noticeably softer

. She told me it wasn't right to do this on our first meeting. I said it didn't matter whether we did it or not; I was just

curious and wanted to see her, even just a glimpse would be fine. If she didn't like me, she could leave immediately; I wouldn't

waste her time. Actually, I didn't have high hopes; I just wanted another experience, to see if this kind of

thing, this kind of person, this kind of woman really existed.

Seeing she couldn't persuade me otherwise, she agreed.

I went to the agreed-upon location and waited for her. Twenty minutes later, a fashionable woman walked gracefully from the buildings.

Because it was far away, I couldn't see her clearly, but she was wearing a miniskirt and was very tall—just as she had told me, about 1.68 meters.

She had great proportions, straight, white legs, and walked with elegance. No wonder she studied etiquette; she was different from most people.

This kind of woman was exactly my ideal type—a professional white-collar worker, aloof, pampered, sexy,

and alluring. I was overjoyed, thinking that this was the one for me, and I had to convince her no matter what.

As she drew closer, I finally saw her clearly. She was indeed very beautiful, remarkably like the singer

Zhou Bingqian . She had fair skin, an elegant demeanor, long, fluttering eyelashes, and smiling eyes. She also had

long, wavy hair like Zhou Bingqian. She looked like a woman of many charms. I felt a little shy. Was fate playing a trick on me? This kind of woman was

exactly what I longed for—a quiet exterior hiding an inner allure. The more feminine a

woman is, the sexier she . Was this heaven's compensation for me?

I approached her, smiling slightly with a hint of sarcasm, and said, "It's really hard to see you."

She smiled but didn't say anything.

I suggested we walk. Once outside the gate, I told her, "You can

rest assured I'm not someone who would harm you for money. I have no ulterior motives towards you. We're both getting what we need. It's really

okay."

She still shook her head, saying it wasn't good. It wasn't good to do this on our first meeting. She was afraid and kept her head down, too embarrassed to look

me in the eye.

The more I saw her like this, the happier I became. I said it was okay, I wouldn't hurt you, I cherish my

life and I'm not a rude person. She still shook her head. I could tell she was half-hearted. I knew that if I

persisted, there was a chance.

Just then, a taxi arrived, and I opened the door for her. She didn't refuse and

got in . The instant she got in, I saw two long, slender, white legs elegantly pressed together, straight and sexy .

I couldn't help but feel a surge of excitement, a feeling I hadn't had in a long time. I knew she had agreed, and I knew she thought 　　I was acceptable. In

the car, neither of us spoke, both looking out the window , each wondering what would happen next … ********** ... 　　I will cherish this article for the rest of my life. Even when I'm old, I'll still remember it . I know no other woman will be like her. I truly love this woman; that elegant and quiet allure—I can see it. I truly understand the deep , genuine tenderness within a woman's body . 　　I will never find another woman like her . Perhaps this is the only time, so I will treasure　　it in my heart forever. ********** ... 　　Thirsty and vulnerable, she was suddenly enveloped in tenderness, as soft as if she had no bones. 　　I whispered in her ear, "You smell so good." 　　But she tried her best to avoid me, saying, "I'm scared, I'm not used to it." 　　I didn't care about that at all. Her being here with me said it all; women are so hypocritical. 　　I began to kiss her earlobe, my lips and tongue moving downwards step by step. She responded with rapid breathing, our tongues intertwining and exploring each other's mouths. I sucked on her tongue hard, leaving her nowhere to escape. 　　My hands weren't idle either, caressing her back, kneading her buttocks, lifting her skirt and reaching inside to knead her panties, rubbing them vigorously with my whole hands, intensely stimulating her. My hands roamed like snakes across her back and buttocks. 　　Our bodies were still pressed tightly together, my penis already erect and pressing against her. 　　I kneaded her breasts with both hands, slowly unbuttoning her clothes. 　　Today she was wearing a very short skirt, no stockings, her bare thighs straight and white, very arousing. 　　I kept sucking on her tongue in her mouth. Her tongue wasn't long; I'd kissed my first girlfriend before, and her tongue was flat and long, slipping into my mouth with a single suck, and I could keep sucking. She was the only woman I 'd ever kissed such a wonderful tongue. 　　I knew kissing a woman's earlobe was very stimulating, but sticking my tongue into her ear canal would be even more exciting. I wanted to try it out on her. 　　Sure enough, she couldn't take it; she convulsed a little. I didn't care; I was going to conquer her, after all, she was so seductive . 　　I kissed from her fair neck down to between her breasts, my hands still kneading her plump buttocks and thighs . 　　She started to kiss me back, even holding my head in her hands and kissing me, our wet tongues intertwining . 　　She started moaning softly. I stood up and pulled her to the bed… 　　I wanted her to build up explosive energy from her intense anticipation of their first time, to truly enjoy unparalleled physical pleasure!

Her allure and charm truly aroused my blood, and my penis was already erect. To ensure she fully enjoyed her "first

time ," I faced her voluptuous and slender body, which was laid bare before me, and suppressed my urges,

gently licking and kissing her from her eyes, cheeks, ears, neck, shoulders, and arms.

She cooperated, enjoying my tenderness, and was intoxicated by the pleasure of physical caresses. I took her nipple into my mouth

, circling it with the tip of my tongue, covering the areola with my lips while my tongue stirred her nipple. She moaned

uncontrollably , eagerly raising her nipple to find my tongue. Her nipple quickly hardened and swelled, and I suddenly bit

down on her nipple, sucking and teasing it intensely!

She trembled all over from the sudden, electric-like stimulation and cried out in pleasure.

My hand moved to her genitals, and I pulled down her panties. She cooperated, raising her buttocks to make it

easier for me to remove them. I gently parted her beautiful, long thighs and buried my face

between them. Her pubic hair was sparse and neatly covered her labia, unlike my wife's thick, long pubic hair

that extended all the way to the back. I preferred a clean and tidy genital. I pressed my lips to her genitals,

my tongue probing inside her vagina. It was a little salty, but without any unpleasant smell.

The woman began to moan incessantly, twisting her upper body, then turning into panting. Her genitals swelled. I

wasn't in a hurry to enter, as if intentionally prolonging this torment. Sometimes I would suddenly stop during rapid movements, letting the woman

rest for a moment before launching her into endless desire again. I spread her beautiful legs wide,

kissing . Her lower body was already very wet, and she began to moan roughly.

And I was just getting started. I had her straddle my face, her genitals against my mouth. I kissed and bit

her clitoris, my tongue constantly teasing her, while my middle finger was inserted into her vagina, stirring and thrusting in and out. My left hand was also

kneading her nipples.

She was quite horny, saying, "Hurry, I want it!"

Her buttocks writhed, her mouth never stopping. To give her the greatest pleasure, I held

her buttocks tightly, making her lie close to my face. At the same time, I deepened my tongue into her vagina, sucking on the

vaginal walls and her two long labia. I used my lips to pick up her labia, and my tongue licked and

kissed back and forth along the cleft of her buttocks. I loved this woman so much that I couldn't help but do this. She shyly asked me, "Isn't it too loud

? Is your house soundproof?"

I just smiled and told her that I liked her voice. She lay weakly in my arms, letting me do as I pleased.

She was very feminine, gentle, and obedient. After cuddling her tenderly for a while, it was her turn to kiss me. I

put on a condom, and she licked down my neck, earlobes, and abdomen, just like I had when I kissed her.

I brought my genitals closer to her head and gently pressed her head towards my crotch, hinting that she should give me oral sex,

because I wasn't sure if she was willing to do it, and I didn't want to ruin the atmosphere if she wasn't.

She hesitated for a moment, then slowly brought her head closer and took my penis into her mouth, starting with small licks.

Later, she opened her mouth wide and swallowed it all. I started to feel relieved and held her head,

thrusting in and . It was warm and smooth, with gurgling sounds. Her hands caressed my penis, and I pulled her

hands to my chest so she could experience the sensation of just her mouth. I also put her hands behind her back and leaned

back so she could clearly see the entry and exit of my penis; the only connection between us was my penis.

She sucked powerfully. A beautiful, unfamiliar woman, completely naked, on her own bed in her own home, was giving me oral

sex —it was incredibly arousing.

Her head moved back and forth, and I felt the warmth of my penis in her mouth. When the sensation intensified, I

pulled my penis out of her mouth and placed it on the left corner of her mouth. She closed her eyes and searched for my glans with her head. I then

placed it her right side, and she leaned in again, rubbing it against her lips. She even licked and sucked my testicles,

holding them tightly with her lips—it was so erotic—even my wife had never done this!

I was truly moved!

I didn't want to penetrate her so quickly; the feeling of oral sex was wonderful. I changed positions, standing on the bed, pressing her to her

knees between my legs, and placed my erect penis directly into her mouth, holding her head and thrusting back and forth.

We used the 69 position, with me on top and my penis inside her mouth. She greedily sucked, and

in a frenzy of passion, she ripped off my condom and started sucking my penis directly. I was startled but also incredibly delighted—

oh my god !

No woman has ever given me oral sex without a condom before!

My wife and I tried once with a condom, but she didn't like it, so we never did it again. Who

can be ?

I felt an overwhelming tenderness for her, and to thank her, I wanted to do it properly. I thrust my tongue deep

into her vagina, teasing her. When I licked back, I noticed her anus had absolutely no smell. I

gently probed with my tongue, and she immediately recoiled, saying, "No!" I told her it was okay,

I loved every part of her. I wasn't about to let her off the hook, and I began kissing her passionately.

There really was no smell there. I was surprised. I don't know if other women are like this, but

she was incredibly clean, without any odor. Maybe it's because she showers regularly—it's rare!

I used my tongue to probe her anus, mimicking penile insertion. She still tried to avoid it, but I could tell she

enjoyed . Who doesn't like stimulation?

Several times when I thrust my tongue deep inside, she couldn't help but moan "Oh, oh," her body

convulsing slightly. Stimulated by my movements, she moved her body away, bent down, and took my glans

into , her hand stroking my perineum. She gently licked the surface of

my glans, watching her tongue circle it, and I began to moan too. Perhaps nothing could be more stimulating to my senses

.

Her mouth slowly moved down, her tongue lightly brushing against my scrotum, sometimes taking my testicles into her mouth. I

was excited; I held her head, letting her continue to suck and release my penis.

I removed my hand, which was already soaking wet with her vaginal fluid. Her thick, watery labia, perhaps never before subjected to such

physical and psychological stimulation, caused her to moan involuntarily. Her vaginal fluid was salty and sticky,

and with each lick and touch of my labia, her moans grew more and more wanton. I peeled back

the foreskin of her extremely sensitive clitoris and bit down on it. She groaned softly, her whole body tensing up.

Perhaps it was because it was my first time experiencing oral sex, but I turned up the light so I could clearly see her expression while I was giving her oral sex.

She did exactly as I told her to swallow and spit, so obediently. It drove me crazy. I pinned her down in a 69 position , using her mouth as a vagina for penetration. I thought this kind of opportunity was rare, and I wouldn't meet a woman I liked

like this again . I wanted to have some fun with her. 　　I gently licked her anus with the tip of my tongue, slowly pushing it in. She convulsed from the stimulation. I dipped my finger in saliva and gently probed her anus, telling her I would be gentle. She moaned but didn't resist. I slowly, slowly pushed it in—and it actually went in! Her anus was gripping my finger tightly. 　　She moaned in pain; it seemed she wanted to try it too. I wanted to experience it too. I whispered "mine," and she slowly, slowly kissed my penis downwards… 　　God! 　　She would actually do that for me!! 　　She actually did that for me. The psychological stimulation of her warm tongue licking and kissing my rear end left me at a loss. To make it easier for her to lick and kiss me, she put her hands under my buttocks, spread them apart, and gently licked my anus with her tongue. She pressed her lips tightly against my anus and used her tongue to forcefully and repeatedly push into my anus, stimulating me so much that my heart was about to jump out of my chest... 　　I thrust my buttocks upwards with all my might and said, "Put it in." She then started using her fingers, but it was too dry for her to insert them. Seeing that she was having trouble, I said, "You need to use saliva." She understood and immediately did so. Sure enough, her fingers went in. This was a feeling I had never experienced before. I felt an extraordinary stimulation , a stimulation I had never felt before. Especially the deeper she went, the more uncontrollable it became. There was a kind of pleasure that I couldn't hold back, and the more I couldn't hold back, the more pleasure I felt. 　　If she hadn't penetrated me with her fingers this time, I truly wouldn't have experienced the deep , heartfelt orgasm a woman experiences. A man's orgasm is really just those few seconds of ejaculation; what a man wants is the conquest and satisfaction , the psychological and visual gratification, the physical pleasure of the woman. 　　A woman's orgasm, however, comes from a dual satisfaction of both psychological and physical depths, hence the moans and the explosive release. The man is merely a tool for stimulation. No man moans incessantly it's like scratching your ear when it itches—does it feel better for your ear or your finger? 　　I've always believed that men experience greater pleasure than women, but today, being penetrated, I truly understood what " pleasure . When you stimulate your most sensitive spot, who feels better? Men can't experience the hysterical pleasure a woman's body experiences from constant friction. That's why I say men's pleasure is much weaker than women's. 　　It's truly tragic that a man in his thirties only now understands this! 　　I told her to go harder, and I figured she was probably feeling the same way I was. So, I used my middle finger to deeply but gently probe her tight little spot. Eventually, we were both frantically thrusting into each other, enjoying ourselves intensely. She said she wanted more, so I put on a condom and inserted it (I still had reservations, after all… although I really dislike wearing condoms)… 　　She was already very wet, her vulva was erect, her vagina was low and narrow, not wide. I've met women with wider vaginas before , and when I touched them, the labia were very long. Actually, all women look the same in the dark, but the key is the psychological satisfaction before the lights go out. 　　We tried many positions. She was very tight, and even rubbing her breasts hard didn't hurt, which gave me complete satisfaction. 　　I wanted to let loose completely, so I whispered in her ear, "I want to go in there." She said, "No," but her voice was weak. Maybe she felt reassured by my earlier actions with my hand, knowing I was gentle and wouldn't hurt her. So I pulled my penis out and placed it at her anus. I gently probed, pressing the head against it... 　　Since it was my first time doing this, I didn't know if it would hurt her, but I couldn't get in. Just as I hesitated, she held my penis with her hand and said, "Use a little more force, why are you doing this so slowly?" Her words reminded me, so I moistened the head with saliva and slowly, very slowly, probed in... 　　Everyone says the anus is tight, but once inside, I only felt the anus was very tight, like a sheath. I didn't feel , because I was worried about hurting her with deep penetration, and I didn't dare to thrust as wildly as I do in the vagina, so I moved slowly inside. She felt a lot, and her moans were a mix of pain and stimulating pleasure. After moving for a while, I could n't control myself and ejaculated inside her because I was too excited. It was my first time, so I was quite excited... 　　I slowly pulled out, and she cried out in pain, especially when I pulled out to her anus. But I felt most comfortable when her anus gripped my glans. When I slowly pulled out, her anus had pulled off the condom . I glanced at it, and there was nothing on it—she was so clean. I never expected that a woman who looked so reserved and quiet on the outside would be like this in bed. 　　I was a little confused. I couldn't understand how wild a woman's mind could be, and I couldn't understand how a woman, a soft creature made of a material completely different from a man, could contain such enormous energy! 　　She possessed that gentleness that enveloped and absorbed a man's energy deep within her body. 　　We both went to the bathroom to wash up, and she didn't hide anything from me. We both washed ourselves thoroughly, probably because we both felt that the other's genitals were clean and we wanted to enjoy each other more later. 　　We both knew we'd have a second chance. 　　Because the feeling just now was so good. 　　We lay in bed, slowly waiting to recover. I held her in my arms like a wife, and she nestled obediently against my chest, our lips pressed together again. 　　I held her close, our bodies pressed tightly together. She clamped my genitals between her thighs, and I gently nibbled her earlobe, kissed her long, white neck, and held her moist lips in my mouth. She kissed me back, her tongue deftly swirling in my mouth. We sucked each other's saliva, and she held my head tightly, trying to push her tongue as far into my mouth as possible. 　　We gently teased each other with our tongues. I held her tightly in my arms, my tongue swirling in her mouth, my hands gently caressing her breasts. She moaned softly, silently enjoying everything I gave her .

I gently stroked her erect nipples, and she moaned softly, burying her head in my chest. I

stroked her face, and she closed her eyes slightly, her body trembling. I suckled on her nipples,

my tongue licking them incessantly. Her breasts rose and fell in response to my movements, her waist and hips twisting up and down and side to side

, while she let out soft moans and heavy breaths.

I gently bit her nipple with my teeth, my hand continuing to caress the outside of her vulva. She weakly

parted her legs; she was now completely wet, her most intimate part fully exposed before me.

Her vulva was clean. My tongue slowly approached her genitals, licking and kissing the inside between her legs, my

tongue freely caressing it. Her breathing became irregular.

I gently parted her labia minora, gently licking them.

Then I slowly parted the upper part of her labia majora until her clitoris was exposed, licking the folds and

teasing to give her maximum pleasure. I licked her clitoris with all my might, circling it with the tip of my tongue

and sucking on it relentlessly. I pressed the area above her vaginal opening, then used my middle finger to stroke the slit up and down

, slowly sliding two fingers into her warmest depths. As her breathing became more rapid, I gradually increased

the speed rhythmically…

I then began to lick her anus…

each time with a powerful yet tender touch.

She used her thighs to clamp my penis, slowly wriggling to tease me, and began to actively invade my mouth and tongue. She

couldn't help whisper, "I want you to fuck me well." I was shocked; I never imagined such a reserved and quiet

woman could say such a word. It seems women can truly go crazy when aroused.

I pressed myself against her deepest point, and her legs wrapped around my waist.

After getting used to the warm, humid environment, my penis began to thrust in and out of her vagina. She

moved her body, trying to meet my thrusts. Her twisting hips and moans constantly stimulated me. She thrust her plump buttocks,

letting out moans. I lifted her long, slender legs high, licking and kissing them at the same time,

thrusting harder and harder with each stroke…

Her body went limp, her soft breasts heaving like waves. Gradually, she couldn't withstand the intense sexual

stimulation and instinctively moaned, "I'm going to die…" "I'm dizzy…" Such a dignified and reserved woman

moaning incoherently beneath me made my blood boil!

I pounced on her, embraced her, and thrust rapidly!

She used her last strength to hold me tightly, her legs wrapped around my buttocks, thrusting her genitals to meet my thrusts!

She gasped for breath, almost suffocating, until another climax…

Her mature lovemaking skills strongly attracted me. She knew how to communicate with me through her body language, making

me infatuated with her alluring elegance. There were women like her in this world, perhaps I'd never meet another like her in my lifetime. That

night we made love four times, maybe because we didn't know if we'd have a future, and we both wanted to make it as much as we could.

Our relationship lasted for several months. She did a fantastic job; her labia and anus became her favorite

places for me to kiss. I loved having her straddle my face, pressing her genitals against my lips and licking them. In the stimulation, I passionately

slipped my tongue into her genitals and anus. Her swaying body told me she loved my caresses…

We tried everything, and each time we were perfectly in sync. When I asked her which position she liked best,

she told me she liked from behind and on top, feeling the deep penetration was especially good, and she could control the time and depth

herself . I also really liked those positions, looking at her plump buttocks and stroking them with my hands,

feeling incredibly stimulated…

Several times after we finished, she asked me, "Can we be friends?"

"If I weren't married now, would you marry me?"

I said yes, but I didn't really believe her questions. How much

of is believable? There are no such things as vows of eternal love in this world; those are just young people's naiveté and need

for sex, as ridiculous as those so-called teen idol dramas. But that's all I could say. She also said that

if she were my wife, she would cling to me all day long. Of course, I was happy to hear that, but I didn't believe it.

She said that a hotel customer once offered her 3000 yuan to sleep with her right in front of her, but she refused. As I listened to

her, I analyzed this woman:

what kind of mentality made her so eager to sleep with me? Maybe it was the unfamiliar feeling that made her feel no

burden , or maybe it was just a genuine sexual need—I didn't know.

I asked her if she and her boyfriend had ever done what we did.

She said no, and I believed her because my wife and I had never done it. We were never this

passionate . From a sexual perspective, how many wives are truly the ones they love most?

Marriage is about life, not lust. My wife and I were only in our early twenties when we first met. We should have

been doing things so wildly, but we didn't. I guess she wasn't the person I loved most yet. Maybe I thought that if we were going to be husband and wife, we

wouldn't be so promiscuous. Otherwise, what would she think? Both of us would think the other was experienced and worldly

. What kind of mentality would that be? A wife is for building a life together, a lover is for enjoyment.

In your twenties, you don't understand these things.

Back then . I wasn't very thoughtful then. Now I'm more thoughtful, but the passion of the past is long gone.

When you're passionate, you're immature; when you

're mature, you're not passionate anymore. Life is truly contradictory. All good things must come to an end. Later, we broke up because she got married. She said our relationship

ended there ; that was the rule of the game, otherwise it wouldn't benefit anyone.

Sooner or later, this day would come. I didn't expect it to come so suddenly, leaving me completely helpless. I

felt like a failure, very embarrassed. What am I? Nothing.

It was really painful at first. For a week, I was completely distracted, unable to eat or sleep, and depressed.

I guess people have feelings after all. Although I knew from the beginning that we wouldn't end up together, I

still didn't want it to end so quickly. I never imagined that what started as just a fling would turn into something I'd become deeply involved with.

She was indeed very good sexually; I believe no other woman could give me the same feeling.

She went back to her boyfriend. Haha, women will be women; they can never forget their first

man . What can I do?

Although I'm already over 30, I've been through a lot, and I've encountered many setbacks, I feel...

My resilience is already quite strong; my heart is as hard as iron, and I won't be attracted to any woman again. But some

things can't be simply forgotten, especially when you encounter a woman you truly admire. This shows that my heart

is still fragile, like a beautiful vase that can't be touched—one touch and it shatters.

I believe she won't forget me either, not in her entire life.

Actually, every time we finished, I felt a deep melancholy because she wasn't mine. This sense of loss and helplessness made me

feel that having such a woman was worse than not having her at all. It stirred up some ripples in my peaceful life and state of mind. Perhaps time is

the best healer of all pain; let time slowly, slowly, let my passion fade away.

Men are selfish; if she belongs to someone else, they will feel terrible—this is human nature. Conversely, I think

women are the same.

You can see the psychology of men and women from their genitals. A man's genitals protrude outwards, destined to make him

inherently aggressive and insatiable; while a woman's genitals are inwardly recessed, destined to make her reserved and passive

.

In nature, all male animals are more beautiful than females, but among humans, only women are

more beautiful . They have beautiful faces, delicate skin, and graceful figures. Because of these innate

advantages over men, beautiful women believe they possess spring, and thus have the capital to be arrogant and haughty,

displaying so-called aloof and superior demeanor.

Little do they know that beauty is fleeting; even the most beautiful face will fade. And beauty is so crucial for women; the fate of

beautiful women may be worse than that of ordinary women. Xie Jin, Li Yuanyuan, Ma Hua, Anita Mui, and Faye Wong are

the best examples. They had beautiful appearances, extraordinary wealth, cars, villas, and so-called good husbands, but

God ruthlessly took them away at their peak. While people complain about the unfairness of fate,

why don't they consider: is there anything in this world that can be perfect?

God cannot bestow all favors upon you.

There is an old Chinese saying: "Good fortune never comes in pairs, misfortunes never come singly.

" Believe that everything has its good and bad sides; good fortune may be a harbinger of misfortune, and misfortune may be a harbinger of good fortune.

While men may not be as outwardly glamorous as women,

they exude a compelling mature charm as they age and develop abilities. Women, on the other hand, lose their

appeal , because men are inherently fickle creatures. I don't want to claim men are noble; it's just

how they are at heart. I'm a man, a decent man in every way, and I feel this way; how much more so would wealthy men?

Are rich men any good?!

Later, due to the inertia of this situation, and because I wasn't feeling too good about it, I found two more women.

One was a college student. College students these days are so open; she did much better than her. But I didn't

like her at all. She immediately started giving me oral sex, even using her breasts to rub against me—no need for a condom! But I

felt nothing. I didn't reciprocate, but out of politeness, we finished the act and then politely

parted ways.

Another one was a 27-year-old accountant at a clothing company, taller than me. We got along well, and

she was a nice person, but not my type. We made love very gently; she gave me

oral sex , and even when I ejaculated in her mouth, it didn't matter.

She thought I was nice. She was already incredibly wet when we kissed; she's the kind of

woman , leaving me covered in her fluids. She wouldn't let me kiss her genitals because she was afraid I wouldn't like it, she was very gentle and considerate.

I said I wanted to enter from behind, and she agreed and helped me. She was a very nice woman, and I was very

grateful . We kept in touch occasionally afterward, but I lost interest and stopped contacting her.

After this experience, I realized that tall, voluptuous women are less

convenient Slender women are more interesting; they're more flexible, allowing for more

variety and positions. But they can't be too thin; a thin, bony woman seems weak.

After that, my interest waned, especially my online obsession cooled. Once

you have something, you don't crave it anymore. I guess that's the meaning of life.

Online romances brought me into contact with three women, and it's been over a year since then. I'm very

peaceful now, and I think it's good this way. As a colleague once said, "It's good that nothing's wrong; it makes me feel at ease"—even though

he was born in 1980 and understands things much better than me. Living like this brings peace of mind.

My sexual desires are satisfied, and I've passed that period of fervent pursuit, so I feel more grounded. Now I'm

busy with work and family all day, and it's hard to find a woman I like. These things are a matter of chance; if I meet one,

I won't give up; if

not, I'll see. This experience has taught me that these kinds of relationships aren't about meeting and sleeping together immediately. Generally, you need

to get to know each other for a while, understand each other's background, and make sure you get along well.

This is to avoid awkwardness when you meet in person.

So, by the time you actually meet, you should already have some understanding of each other, and

the chemistry between you on the first meeting is crucial.

If you truly believe in love at first sight, then a one-night stand or sex is possible, and it can be

wonderful . This is the fundamental difference between a one-night stand and hiring a prostitute.

The allure of one-night stands lies in their relative ease of ending. Because it's a one-step process, without prolonged suffering or

deep regret , both parties often rationally decide whether to continue or break up.

This largely depends on their feelings during the encounter and their level of sexual satisfaction. Therefore, one-night stands

are more attractive to married individuals.

One-night stands are very exciting, especially for those with sexual experience who feel a mutual attraction upon meeting.

Both parties aim to satisfy each other within a limited time, leading to greater engagement and making it

easier for women to reach orgasm.

The quality of a one-night stand varies from person to person and from time to time.

If both parties feel satisfied after getting dressed and don't want it to end, then this is a crucial

crossroads in your future.

You can have a rational and honest conversation.

If the feeling after getting out of bed is just average or unpleasant, then there's not much more to say. In short, one-night stands are neither as wonderful as

you dream of, nor as terrible as you fear; you shouldn't deliberately pursue them, nor should you avoid them altogether.

Everything is fate; let it be.

I know this isn't good for a marriage, but men's psychology is so complex—greedy and selfish. I loathe

this contradictory mentality!

I value long-term, emotionally charged sex, shared interests, mutual understanding and respect, and a union of

body and soul . Sex requires complete immersion and acceptance of the other person's entire being, as long as both are willing.

Can married couples do this?

If not, they're not a proper couple. Why can lovers do this?

This ultimate enjoyment in life can't be felt unless you experience it. Actually, always having sex with the same person eventually

leads to boredom and a lack of novelty; it's the same for both men and women.

Without external interference, from an emotional and sexual perspective, everyone would want a

lover they like. Society is increasingly emphasizing sex and advocating for the bold pursuit of sexual satisfaction. Life is

short, the sexual drive is even shorter, and life is already tiring enough. Why not find some enjoyment to release the tension

?

Having sex with a lover is uninhibited; you can do whatever you want, which is much more exciting and stimulating than having sex with a spouse, and it's

easier get emotionally involved!

Between husband and wife—I'm talking about couples under fifty—it's always like the left hand touching the right,

no . It's always rigidly conventional, requiring gentleness and consideration, monotonous actions, everything done according to procedure. It's mostly

the husband fulfilling his obligations to his wife. Men are always creatures who crave novelty, while women are better. A woman can say,

"I will love my husband forever, until death," but no man would say such a thing, and even if he did, he wouldn't

believe it himself, unless he's a complete coward in every way.

As for couples over fifty, like my parents' generation, I envy their relationship.

It's an eternal emotional edifice in my heart. I don't know what family affection will be like when we get old; I can't imagine.

Children are always the parents' hope, and parents are always the pillars of their children. For the sake of the children, this pillar cannot

tilt . With a lover, I can be tender and gentle, or I can be wanton and unrestrained. Without family responsibilities and the burden of marriage,

I can indulge myself and focus solely on the satisfaction of sexual desire. Would you dare touch a prostitute's private parts?

The smell of someone who doesn't shower regularly is unbearable. I've been to karaoke bars, and the

smell there made me give up on sex; it felt like a sewer, unapproachable.

Life is so tiring and busy these days. I think everyone, while bearing family responsibilities, craves release and

yearns for passion outside of marriage. Even if they don't say it, they think about it. That's why affairs are

so popular. As long as it doesn't affect the family, anything can be tried discreetly. Some things can't be had at the same time.

After all, it happened once, and that's enough.

Sometimes I think of Sylvia Chang's old song:

"The price paid for love is unforgettable. People always have to learn to grow up. Everyone inevitably

experiences pain and struggle. Everyone needs to find a home for their heart. There have been tears and heartbreaks; this is

the price of love." Perhaps I'll still think of her occasionally, and I'll still miss him sometimes. I'll treat him like an old friend

, someone who makes my heart ache and makes me worry, but there's no longer any spark in my heart. Let the past go with the wind. All

the sincere and devoted words remain in my heart, even though he's no longer there.

Li Zongsheng understands women's psychology so well, but is his marriage happy? Didn't he divorce and remarry

?

My marriage is just average. My wife isn't my type, but it's not like we'd divorce for sex

. That's life. How many families are truly happy?

How many couples are truly satisfied with each other? It's good enough...

Sometimes, I believe everything has an end, that meeting and parting both have their time, and that nothing lasts forever.

But sometimes, I'd rather choose to linger and not let go, until I've seen all the scenery, maybe then you'll be there to watch

the gentle flow of time —a simple song, "Red Bean," sung by Faye Wong, becomes a timeless classic, that languid

feeling, vaguely pulling you...

over and over again, like listening to philosophy. She interprets the relationship between men and women perfectly, just like my own

state of mind .

In truth, we all walk through this world, encountering different strangers every day. Some are merely

fleeting meetings, a brief glance, without words or drama. Others

linger , savoring the warmth we shared—that is the most beautiful kind of encounter, something to be remembered for the rest of our lives.

There is no joy at the moment of meeting, nor resentment at parting; it is simply a matter of coming and going.

We stand in the palm of fate, watching the men and women of this world, their lives intertwined with love, anger, sorrow,

and resentment . Life is merely a tool of God; the ending is written in His hands. We are simply adding

emotions to that cold object. Sometimes I feel lost about my own actions—why am I doing this

, knowing it's all in vain? I know women are so different; what good does this do for my marriage

?! It

only adds to the sorrow! What a

painful realization! You were once my everything…

Some songs I only understand now!

A long time has passed, and I've finally returned to my old self, living and working as usual

, as if nothing had ever happened. But sometimes, when I recall it, there's a

bittersweet . After all, we had it. I know there's another woman like that in this world. If I care too much, I'll

regret it. Unrestrained love is also full of pain. I don't want to wrong myself in matters of love…

I still think about that woman, but she's in someone else's arms. I'd rather give up while I'm still clear-headed. After all,

we enjoyed the pure, heartfelt pleasure of sex. Even in old age, we can still remember it and not forget it.

That's enough. Like the football goalkeeper Kahn said:

"No matter what, the sun will always rise, and life will always go on!"

I thought I would cry, but I didn't. I just stared blankly at your footsteps, giving you my final

blessing . Isn't this a kind of realization, allowing me to see myself clearly, even though the pain of lovelessness is lingering day and night

in the deepest part of my soul?

I thought I would seek revenge, but I didn't. When I saw the man I once loved so deeply so

helpless , wasn't that a kind of realization? It made me see myself clearly. Being loved is a luxurious happiness, but unfortunately, you

never cared!

Listening to Xin Xiaoqi's "Understanding" in the quiet of the night helps calm my restless heart.

There's another song called "Let's Live Well," which perfectly captures my current state of mind: "

The flowers of yesteryear bloom and now wither;

a hundred joys and sorrows are but a sigh;

parting in this life, reunion in the next;

ten thousand words of farewell are but a single tear

; emotions entangle the heart,

making flowers bloom beautifully;

love adorns memories,

making the past sound

sweet;

so let's love well; so let's live well;

after all, flowers bloom and wither; let good

and bad be as they may

; so let's love

well; so let's live well

; after all, people come and go;

but I truly care about him .

" Having gone through all this, I've come to understand a simple truth: in this world, whoever captures another's

heart possesses everything.

Forget it, it's all in the past. Why dwell on fortune and misfortune, gain and loss…

My sex drive has always been strong. Now that I understand women, I enjoy the pure pleasure of sex even more. I

love oral sex; I love that wonderful feeling, it's purely a matter of passion. Imagine a woman spreading

her legs in front of you, showing you her beautiful vulva and alluring anus—is there a more beautiful sight?

I love seeing women moan and writhe passionately under my stimulation, giving me a tremendous sense of conquest

and satisfaction. It's the only pleasure in a man's busy life.

I like clean women. They must bathe frequently, especially women, who must be thoroughly cleaned. Because the female

genital structure is complex with many folds, you must make sure to open and clean the labia majora and minora, and wash

the anus as well. When the mood strikes, I can't help but kiss that area, inserting my tongue.

I've always believed that women are much cleaner or more hygiene-conscious than men. How

many ? I only started showering frequently after my living conditions improved dramatically when I was 28. Most Chinese men are quite dirty

, which is largely due to their living conditions. How can people living in hardship possibly enjoy showering?

Women, on the other hand, are relatively better off. Even if they can't shower their whole body, they'll frequently clean their genitals. I've always thought of men

as muscular, physically demanding creatures, while women are

soft, supple creatures made of materials completely different from men, nestled in a man's arms, yet their ability to absorb a man's energy is astonishing.

From a purely sexual perspective, men are fascinated by a woman's body, while women are not so much fascinated by

a man 's body, but rather by the charm and intellect of a mature man. As a man myself, I understand why men

kiss a woman's entire body so passionately; it's because a woman's body is incredibly alluring in a man's eyes.

What's the psychology behind a woman kissing a man? Men's bodies aren't really that attractive; they

're all much the same. Women's bodies, however, are incredibly diverse. If a woman kisses a man's body so passionately

or performs oral sex, it's usually out of gratitude or a desire to please him. What kind of smell does a man's body have?

If you don't shower for a day, your skin will taste salty. From my past experiences, I can't believe that a woman's soft

body can contain such immense energy, constantly absorbing a man, while a man's seemingly strong body

is actually very fragile, lacking sustained energy and stamina. Women, both physically and psychologically, can

overcome strength with gentleness. God truly created humans fairly.

Now that I'm more mature, I really think that when having sex with a woman, you shouldn't rush into penetration. It's about

the process , not just the final few seconds of ejaculation.

Say tender things to her, tell her how much you love her, hold her tightly, kiss her

lips, and maybe even let her stick out her tongue so you can suck it in and then put your own tongue in her

mouth .

I personally enjoy deep kisses, especially during orgasm. Then there's the ears; some women's ears are very

sensitive. You can gently scrape them with the tip of your tongue, or hold the earlobe in your mouth, or gently bite it with your teeth. I

have a secret technique: sticking my tongue into a woman's ear canal. Women can't resist that. Except for prostitutes, they

're already professional players; they're numb and won't feel anything, which is the least exciting thing. Don't look for them for pleasure; there

's no sense of conquest or joy there, it's all a transaction.

When kissing a woman, I like to caress her genitals, tease her labia, flick her nipples, rub her

breasts , and stroke her soft buttocks. I can also add some footwork, like pinching her toes with my toes or

rubbing her calves. Some women really enjoy this.

Usually, a woman will feel something at this point, and you can slowly approach her genitals.

If you want, start with her feet, licking the soles of her feet, sucking on each toe, and finally giving her

a deep kiss. I do this with women I like; it's a crazy obsession, purely physical attraction.

But I don't do this with my wife. My wife isn't my most satisfying woman, but rather the object of my life.

At this point, gently part the woman's legs. Most women will be a little shy at this time, as it's

somewhat unnatural to have their genitals fully exposed to you. Therefore, don't be too hasty

or forceful when parting her legs; be gentle and do it little by little.

Don't immediately start licking her genitals. You can first use the tip of your tongue to lick her inner thighs, lower abdomen, and

around , while stroking her soft pubic hair with your hands. Slowly, you'll feel the woman begin to curl up, her legs will

move involuntarily, and she may moan. More sensitive women will begin to become wet at the vaginal opening. At this point, the woman will

take the initiative to spread her legs as wide as possible, exposing her entire genitals. There's nothing to be shy

about at this point; even the slightest initiative from you will excite a man immensely.

When licking, you can start from the genital area. Although the skin is taut, it is extremely sensitive. Use a wet

tongue gently lick this area. If you suddenly use your mouth or tongue to lick and suck on the woman's anus,

she will definitely cry out in excitement.

If you don't enjoy licking a woman's anus like I do, then you can kiss upwards to her labia.

At this point, some women will produce a lot of vaginal lubrication. You can separate her labia with your fingers or pry them open with

your tongue . Take one of her labia minora into your mouth and sweep it around inside and out with your tongue.

You need to suckle, then switch to the other labia and repeat the process.

If your tongue is long enough, you can insert it into the vagina and stir, or use your tongue to thrust in and out of the vagina. Women

love this; who doesn't enjoy oral sex?

You can also use your fingers to separate the labia, insert your tongue as deep as possible into the vagina, then

push the labia minora and majora back, covering the entire inside with your tongue, and then rub her anus with your fingers.

You can also lie flat on the bed, elevate your head with a pillow, and have the woman sit on your head while you

lick her vulva with your face up. This method of licking the vulva is much more stimulating and satisfying for the woman than having her lie on the bed while

you lick her. This position allows the vulva and lips to fully contact each other, and even the nose can

rub against the vulva. The woman's vaginal fluid will flow onto your face. Sitting face-to-face, you can caress

the breasts .

Sitting with her back to me, she could lick my vulva and anus simultaneously, inserting her fingers into my rear end—it was incredibly stimulating. Even as

a man 've had my anus stimulated by a woman I love, and it was a stimulation I'd never experienced before. I was deeply shocked. I felt

so good to be a woman; the stimulation of being penetrated was far stronger than the stimulation of penetration itself. Like I said in my previous

article :

this was a feeling I'd never had before. I felt incredibly stimulated, a stimulation I'd never experienced before. Especially

the deeper she penetrated, the less I could control myself; there was a pleasure I couldn't hold back, and the more I couldn't hold back, the more pleasure I felt. If she hadn't used her fingers to penetrate me deeply this

time , I truly wouldn't have experienced that kind of heartfelt orgasm in a woman. A man's

orgasm is really just those few seconds before ejaculation.

Actually, what men want is the conquest and satisfaction before ejaculation, the psychological, visual, and physical desires.

A woman's orgasm comes from a dual satisfaction of the psychological and physical depths, which is why she moans and

explodes . The man is merely a tool for stimulation. No man moans

incessantly during sex. It's like scratching your ear when it itches—do you think your ear feels better or your finger?

I always thought men experienced greater pleasure than women, but today, after being penetrated, I truly understood what

pleasure . It's truly pathetic that I, a man in my thirties, only realized this!

From that moment on, I've enjoyed stimulating a woman's anus. What woman wouldn't enjoy that gentle, harmless stimulation

?

Men love it, let alone women!

The pleasure from anal stimulation is unprecedented for both men and women. This

might be a major reason why the women I've been with can't forget me, and also

why I can't forget my lover.

Next is the clitoris, the most important one.

Remember to wet your fingers.

I usually use saliva or her vaginal lubrication; it must be wet, especially when touching the clitoris

. The clitoris itself doesn't secrete any fluid, and it's extremely sensitive.

If your fingers are dry, you can easily hurt it.

When licking the clitoris, be very gentle; I like to use the tip of my tongue.

When you first start licking the clitoris, you can gently touch the tip of the clitoris with the tip of your tongue, then you can

use your tongue to flick and tease it up and down and side to side. You can also use your entire tongue to press the clitoris downwards forcefully. Finally, you can hold the clitoris

in your mouth and swirl your tongue around it.

Observe the woman's reactions. If she persists, apply more pressure; if she

particularly enjoys it, use even more force. Follow her rhythm. If she arches her hips upwards in tension during orgasm,

move with her. Your mouth should remain on her clitoris; do not let go.

Additionally, while she is enjoying your clitoral stimulation, gently stroke her pubic hair with your hand, or rub her

breasts and tease her nipples.

You can also insert your fingers into her vagina. Make sure your fingers are wet beforehand. Start with one finger and

slowly slide it in, gradually increasing the speed and rhythm. Speed up as she needs, and listen to her

breathing.

Then you can use two fingers to stimulate the woman's vagina, which can induce ejaculation. I don't know if other

men have ever seen a woman ejaculate, but it was my first time. With my two fingers probing and inserting, the woman's

vagina sprayed out liquid like a man ejaculating. I was really, really surprised!

Of course, this requires both parties to be extremely satisfied with each other; otherwise, it's difficult. I've only seen

my lover do that; it's never happened with anyone else. If the woman likes it, you can also insert your fingers into

her anus, but it's best not to insert them too deep because that area is very sensitive. Generally, gently rubbing

the anus is enough.

Of course, you can also insert two fingers into the vagina and anus simultaneously while licking the clitoris, but

the woman must consent, otherwise it will ruin the atmosphere. When she reaches orgasm, you must not

let go throughout the entire process.

Hold her clitoris in your mouth and don't move. Just suck on it, but don't use your tongue to do anything

or touch it. At this time, the clitoris is very engorged and swollen, and extremely sensitive during orgasm. Touching it

now is only a way to tease her. Just keep licking and watch her flinch

and scream!

Hehe. Keep trying!

Let's all be good men, so we can keep the smiles of the women we love forever!

This is the result of careful experimentation with my favorite lover. I've been with several women since university

, so I can say I understand women quite well. University life was about physical urges and sexual

release ; I didn't have the means or money to properly enjoy sex.

Now that life is better and I'm more mature, it's not just about sexual release but about enjoyment. I

keep saying that only with a woman you truly love can you truly want to do that. Love is the foundation of sex; you want

everything about her. With her, I experienced a pure sexual pleasure I may never experience again in my life.

I enjoy this kind of pleasure. I was once deeply captivated by women's bodies. Her alluring charm was in no way

inferior of a certain celebrity. I believe there are two types of beauties: one type is naturally gifted, elegant and graceful,

enjoying all kinds of sexual harassment from childhood to adulthood, showered with affection;

the other type isn't particularly attractive, but maintains a wild, untamed confidence, self-respect, independent spirit, and cultural refinement.

She disdains men's flattery, yet can easily win them over. She belongs to the former category; she understands etiquette, her every

gesture exuding charm and allure. Her professionalism has become an integral part of her demeanor. This is why

celebrities are so captivating—because they understand how a true woman pleases a man, how to be different from

the average slovenly professional or housewife…

So many people are intoxicated by this captivating charm, creating countless entanglements and conflicts between men and women. Once you've enjoyed it,

don't regret it.

Just like Chow Yun-fat advised Stephen Chow, enjoy life while you're young, or you'll regret it when you're old.

Life is short, I don't want regrets!

*** *** *** ***

I was born in the 1970s. Although that era was materially impoverished, looking back now, I feel it was the most beautiful

time. Even the sunshine was brilliant, just like in the movie "In the Heat of the Sun." I

also lived in a military compound, had a strict yet infinitely tender military father, and had a happy childhood,

a happy heart, and everything joyful. I felt life was truly beautiful, a life lived entirely for ideals.

But all this beauty ended when I turned 18. A sudden family tragedy

changed me completely. My younger brother, a year younger than me, was hit by a train and died on his birthday. I was stunned when I heard the

news ; my legs went weak. I finally understood what it meant to be heartbroken and devastated. From then

on, my mother, who was only in her forties, started to turn gray...

Now I am a father myself, and I understand the deep love a parent has for their child. I probably couldn't bear it. How could

such a one-in-a-million thing happen to my family? Who did we offend? Why did God

punish us like this?

Our family was so happy, so loving, and my brother and I were so good at our studies, so envied in the compound.

All of that vanished with this tragedy. Although he was younger than me, we were in the same

senior year of high school, spending every day together. We even ate together the night before, and the next day he was

gone .

I think of him with a heavy heart, of that clever and quick-witted boy, stumbling and falling on the tracks, his face filled with terror,

ultimately unable to find a way out, dying in despair. In that brief moment, he must have been thinking:

"Why me?"

"Why me?"

How much he needed the warm hands of his parents to hold him tightly, but he couldn't grasp anything. Thinking of this, my

heart aches, because we share the same blood. In that instant, his life flashed through his consciousness

like —family, friends, voices, smiles…

Finally, it froze, with immense resentment, his eyes wide open, a wisp of soul departing this world.

Just like the train that struck him, rushing in with a deafening roar and blinding flashes, winding its way away,

then silence, leaving only wisps of white smoke in the distance—that was the scream.

This world is full of danger; we live by chance. But what can you say when you're the one who suffers, or when your loved one is

?

I understood then, I was stunned, unable to cry, only filled with silent sorrow.

Can we blame him for going there?

It's unbelievable that such a thing actually happened, to

someone so beloved and cherished. The pain is indescribable, heart-wrenching.

He was such a vibrant person—intelligent, humorous, always smiling, unassuming, gentle, polite,

never burdening anyone, without any pretense, treating everyone equally and friends with sincerity. He was like a thread connecting us

all. We never imagined that thread would break. If it were illness or a terminal illness, we would be prepared.

But to leave like this, so suddenly, truly makes us lament the impermanence of life.

He escaped unscathed, but we are utterly heartbroken.

Can this be explained by superstition?

It's all fate.

"He owed no one anything, yet stole everyone's hearts." He was only eighteen!

He was buried in our rural hometown, like a child in a garden, climbing the wall and beckoning people to

come and play. For a moment, laughter filled the garden, everywhere brimming with childlike joy. But in the blink of an eye, this child disappeared into

the flowers, without even a cry of "Go home!" Then, autumn's chill filled the garden, and

I picked up a broken mirror from the ground, finding my face covered in the frost of time.

After this incident, I was in a daze, unable to pull myself out. For almost half a year, I was in a state of extreme

grief. Sometimes, looking around the room, tears would involuntarily stream down my face. It was from then on

that my eyesight became very poor. I felt as if he had ripped out my spirit; everything had become meaningless

. I lost interest in books and the college entrance exam.

I bundled my seven diaries and all my photos together and threw them into the Lotus River,

saying goodbye to the past and throwing everything I had into the river. All ideals are no match for a moment's departure.

Life , I

burned my younger brother's things one by one. My grandmother said, "

Even Zhou Enlai's ashes have been scattered." I thought, if my grandmother, who was over 70 and had raised us two children from childhood, could

say such a thing, what else could I not understand? I may have come to terms with it, but the impact of this event is

indelible. Because of this, I didn't get into university that year. In 1990, not getting into university was a very shameful

thing. A student who failed the exam was afraid to go out and afraid to see acquaintances. But I didn't care anymore. None of this

mattered ...

That winter, I didn't feel the cold even though I was wearing only a thin shirt. My heart was as cold as ice. It

wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that my heart was chilled to the bone. I knew my parents would be even more heartbroken, but they didn't want to pressure me anymore.

Later, after calming down, I thought a lot. I needed to stay calm; there were still many things waiting for me to do.

I needed to survive, and the only way to survive was to go to university. I had to pull myself together from this painful experience and

retake the exam . There was no other way. I needed to give my parents compensation and an explanation. Although going to university

meant nothing to me compared to life itself, survival left me with no way to escape.

After a year of hard study, I finally achieved my goal. I've always believed in my abilities. I know...

I realized I had to rely on myself for everything. Whether someone helped me or not, I had to rely on

myself . The person I depended on for survival was gone, but I was still alive. I wanted to continue living in this

world, and to live even better. I wanted fate to make amends. With this fierce determination, I studied

those seemingly meaningless books with great effort.

When I received my university acceptance letter, I was already tired of it. It was just

a ; I didn't want to waste time. From then on, I began to believe in fate and gained a new understanding of life. I used

to complain that from such a young age, all the hardships and setbacks, both at home and outside,

had happened to me. At 19, I experienced the taste of death. I resented God for

being .

After believing in fate, I suddenly understood what people come into this world for: to gain

experience , both good and bad. If a person only eats, drinks, and relieves themselves every day, and then one day

leaves naked, they might feel it was all meaningless.

Now I look back and realize that fate has been incredibly kind to me. I've experienced both the good and the bad; just

surviving is a blessing. Therefore, my future will be very rich and fulfilling. My 30s

are different from others'. While I feel regret, I'm also grateful that I managed to see things clearly under immense pressure

; otherwise, I would have been nothing but dust long ago. If I were to leave this world one day, I would feel truly happy.

Thinking back on these years of painful experiences, I'm sometimes genuinely afraid. How can I bring my mindset

closer to the realities of life? I think I know now.

For me, everything is in the past. Now I can still enjoy life, which makes me feel that it's

good to be alive.

The university I applied to recruits nationwide, and only two students were admitted from Beijing. So, I cherished

those years. University was a very happy time for me; my major was a popular one, so I wasn't worried about a good

life . But I never imagined I would experience so much later on—it was like being reborn, something I

truly couldn't have foreseen at the time…

Four years of university life flew by. After graduation, employers actively sought me out. While my classmates were still looking for

jobs, I was already living a carefree life. All the stories unfolded after graduation. When I arrived at my workplace, I

was greatly disappointed ; all my initial ambitions… Everything turned to ashes. This helplessness made me waste my days. I was thoroughly disgusted by the arrogant and idle faces

of those , but I never really considered leaving...

Finally, one day, the conflict erupted. I had a fight with my boss at noon, and in the afternoon, I

left with my own things. I originally wanted to beat up that incompetent boss, but I didn't have the chance, so I let it go. I never

went back until last year when that company went out of business and they released my personnel file. But I didn't need it anymore. I

refused to believe that I couldn't live without these things. It finally went bankrupt. This is karma!

In the years since I left, I've gotten married, had children, and bought a house. All of this I achieved step by step through hard work and perseverance

. What more could I ask for? What reason do I have not to cheer for myself and be full of ambition?

I've never lacked self-confidence, never doubted myself. But only I

know that all of this is entirely due to my own hard work and struggle; I didn't rely on anyone else. Looking back on

the path I've taken, it's been a rollercoaster ride. I know I'm driven by necessity, not by

any extraordinary willpower. However, one characteristic that might be related to my current situation

is that I'm someone who will work incredibly hard to get what I want.

After leaving my previous job, I was confident finding a new one would be effortless. With my background in Beijing,

a bachelor's degree, work experience, and being a man, how could I not find work?

Initially, I wasn't worried about being unwanted. But later, for some reason, no one wanted me.

I went to so many companies, personally interviewed at 30 places, frantically searching, covering the entire city of Beijing,

but no one would hire me.

I asked myself, where did I go wrong? Was it my personality or my abilities?

I was lost and helpless. My mental state went through a series of phases: anxiety, irritability, cynicism, resentment,

pessimism , pain, disappointment, despair, self-abandonment, and finally, calm, rationality, and peace. I realized my psychological

resilience was truly weak. Going through this process was good; it helped me grow, it made my incompetence stronger

. I know all this is because nothing is more terrifying than death.

Life is like that; it often exploits you, silently exploits you, until it

drains your last shred of self-respect, until you realize that by giving up self-respect, you gain everything.

Because compared to the crisis of survival, the survival of a natural atomic chain is utterly insignificant.

I peeled away layer after layer of my inherent weaknesses.

I think the most important thing in everyone's life is when they discover these weaknesses and can effectively

eliminate them. As these weaknesses are cleared away, I gradually progress, grow, thrive, and mature.

It guided my fiery temper and indomitable competitive spirit in the right direction. Before, I

always liked to compare myself to others. Today, I'm still competitive, but no longer compared to others,

but to myself. Am I better today than I was yesterday? Will I be better tomorrow than

I am today?

In short, I'm determined not to admit defeat.

In fact, everyone's greatest enemy is themselves!

People often fail to recognize their own weakness and baseness, instead inflating their egos and boasting, "I'm better than

so-and-so." In the end, they realize they've deceived themselves and wasted their time. I think anyone who fails to succeed does so

because they haven't passed a test of personal growth. I lacked that test, and now is

the time for me to be tested.

I'm now excerpting a passage from my diary from that time, which will help you understand

the bitterness :

"

I've endured the hardships of the past six months, but the sudden death of one of my closest relatives left me

stunned!"

What I've experienced has left me speechless.

I can't utter a single word.

She lay there so peacefully, as if asleep—just like her brother seven years ago, when she

comforted me; seven years later, it was her.

But I'm in so much pain today. Even if I wallow in self-pity, no one will pity me. If I give up now,

I'll be so unwilling to accept it. Life has just begun, and it's already gone. I'm so unwilling.

What's lost is lost. Even if there's a dead end ahead, I have to overcome it,

because there's a dead end behind me too. If I overcome it, the dead end will become a path to life.

Life is suffocating me now. The feeling of being discriminated against is unbearable; it makes me feel ashamed.

From childhood until I was 18, I was always the former. How did I end up like this? I really hope

to change .

But I can't see any future at all. I really can't. I can't even support myself now. I've been using my mother

's savings for five months now. Even if it can change the current situation, as long as I can support myself, that's enough. Look at me

now look like a dog!

Today is Qingming Festival and also my birthday. I've ended up in such a miserable state. I can't find a job,

my mood is a complete mess, and I'm so ashamed. Even if it's punishment for my past disobedience, that's enough, isn't it?

But why bother?

Survival is hard; it slowly cuts you with a painless knife, then unknowingly burns

you to death with warm water, but you can't starve to death.

[XXXXXX, XXX]

I'm 26 years old. After this series of extreme depressions, my mood is gradually calming down and I'm slowly recovering. My

current thoughts are:

First, I must live;

second, I still have hope for my life, otherwise I wouldn't exist;

third, my pain stems from my wrong mindset—always wanting something for nothing, afraid of hardship, and valuing money

too much . I'm just an extremely ordinary person. Now that I've come this far, I can only rely on my meager skills

to support myself and my family. I shouldn't think about making money; just being able to support myself is enough.

Fourth, don't compare yourself to others. As long as you can surpass yourself, no matter how bitter or difficult it is, even if you feel like giving up, you must

persevere . Otherwise, if you die, you're gone forever. If you survive, you can live again. For me, conquering death makes you

a strong person!

My brother has been gone for seven years, and I must live.

People

can only truly reflect on themselves when they are at their lowest point. Thinking back on my past self, every word

and action is shameful. Only

by turning over a new leaf can I redeem myself from my past shamelessness. I must persevere, I cannot fall. Death is the only option. I don't want to die, I'm afraid of death, I

want live.

But even a worthless life is still a life. I must fight against my worthless life. As long as I can survive, I don't need to worry about

making money . Just having something to do, enough to support my family, is enough. That's the bare minimum, but I can't even

do that now. I've let down my family. Without money, even relationships have become incredibly bitter.

Thinking about my past experiences is like being reborn. Everything starts anew, my future begins afresh.

I have a job interview tomorrow, and I'm confident I'll get it. This single hope is so important to me

right —just one hope! That one hope makes me so happy!

[xxxxxx, xxx.xxx]

Suddenly, I thought of my younger brother's passing. He must have carried endless regrets and longings. He must

have died with his eyes wide open, filled with unresolved grief. What must that moment have been like?

His parents, siblings, and I didn't even have time to say what we wanted to say. He left with resentment, without a word,

killed by a train, mercilessly. The only consolation is that he left us with a complete body. He didn't wrong

society why did he have to suffer such an unacceptable death?

I want to erase this memory forever, yet it haunts me day and night. This familial bond

is tearing my heart apart. I remember failing the college entrance exam in 1990, which left me utterly devastated. My brother's departure only compounded my despair. I felt like my heart had been ripped out

, and I began to completely doubt life. Everything felt over. I tied together seven or eight diaries,

all photos, and some other belongings, and threw them into the Lotus River. I said goodbye to my past completely.

Even now, I still miss that stinking river. Since then, I've become neurotic.

I can't forget how hard my mother slapped herself. Now I should slap myself—who told you to disobey!

If only I had known!

Now that things have come to this, I can only move on. Thinking of my brother, I should feel fortunate. I didn't know that today,

thinking of him would make me want to cry but I can't. I miss him. The road ahead is unpredictable. Perhaps we, the living, are foolishly crying

and laughing, but for my brother, just giving him a reason to live would be his greatest satisfaction!

But sometimes I feel like a lost soul, a walking corpse. It's truly unbearable!

I should be the one dying, why did it have to happen to him, and in this way!

It really didn't have to be this way; just let him commit suicide. Why such a horrific method? He so

longed to live.

There were so many things he hadn't done. And what about me now? Words cannot express it all.

Even the most beautiful face will fade, even the rarest genius will perish. Between fortune and misfortune, gain and loss, why

care so much?

It seems there will always be so much to say; true feelings are most afraid of regret!

A thousand miles I returned, only to face this final battle. From now on, his voice and appearance will be lost forever, unless we meet again in dreams;

twenty years of kinship, forever united in heart—if we speak of deep sibling affection, how rare is there in this world?

XXXXXX, XXX.XXX

Everyone has things in their heart that others can't touch. I consider myself a strong person, having survived

one desperate day after another, but when will it end, when will I be able to laugh happily again? Why does life

always seem to be about finding hope in despair for me…?

Now I'm unusually quiet and withdrawn. I have to endure some of life's unavoidable hardships, and

sometimes unbearable. My brother's death has left an indelible shadow on someone as burdened as me.

If it weren't for this, I wouldn't feel so meaningless about life. Even being unemployed now is

a thousand times better than death!

Why did he have to experience such a devastating tragedy instead of me? When I couldn't earn money, I wished I could earn 4,000

yuan, but even after earning 4,000, I wasn't happy. I've always struggled to live my life, burdened by worries.

My hair is turning white strand by strand; when will I ever find relief?

For me, to fight my way through countless difficulties is to be a hero.

Life in hardship is the best test of character. Although my experiences have been arduous, my spirit has

remained strong. This is probably due to the indomitable will I developed in childhood. If I couldn't earn a living,

what would become of me?

So I made a decision: death is better than starvation!

Yet I still struggled, never giving up, searching the world for work, doing any kind of job. Supported by my spirit, I persevered through

each , deeply feeling the hardships of life. One thing is certain: it's a thousand times better than my poor brother losing his life!

How should one arrange oneself when facing hardship? Don't despair, summon your courage!

Follow your original goals step by step. If one can remain focused and concentrate

, one can hear the gospel descending from heaven. Therefore, one must always maintain a steadfast spirit and not be discouraged by small setbacks; then

there is nothing in this world that cannot be accomplished.

Never wavering in our resolve despite hardships, we managed to turn danger into safety, for diligence is rewarded by Heaven, and Heaven is watching.

We are like snowflakes falling from the sky, strangers to each other, but upon landing, we become one,

freezing into ice , melting into water, never to be separated again—"My Brothers and Sisters."

Today I'm in a bad mood, I don't know why.

So many happy things have happened, yet I can't shake off the constant unease, sadness, and worry in my heart.

…

Later, having exhausted all other options, my father said: "Why don't we just buy you a Citro?n Fukang and have you drive a taxi?"

I smiled bitterly, unsure whether to agree, speechless. I felt sorry for myself; it wasn't that I couldn't do it, but

how could I, a university graduate, have fallen to this state?!

I asked myself honestly, where am I inferior to others?!

Perhaps there's something wrong with me, or something else entirely; I really don't know. Maybe it was related to the economic

situation ; it seemed the economy and employment were very sluggish.

Later, I studied diligently and resolutely decided to change careers. I started studying hard,

spending twelve or thirteen hours a day in training classes from nine in the morning to nine at night. I studied very hard and didn't even eat. Serves me right, this is my

fate. I have to fight against fate. I can't let it crush me. I've already been crushed by fate once, I can't let it crush me again!

When I asked my friends for advice, they teased me a lot, but I had no choice. I had to bite the bullet and ask them for advice,

smile I learned what true friendship is!

When I finally mastered my skills and slowly gained a foothold in the industry, I changed jobs seven or eight times, and my monthly salary climbed step by

step. I'm a person who is never satisfied. Everything is moving forward according to my established goals until now.

In this process of trials, I also learned how to be a person, which is sincerity. Treat everyone with sincerity, no matter

who they are. Jewish people don't even sign contracts in business; they don't worry about the other party's reputation because

they believe God knows if they do wrong. God keeps track of things. Everyone is a god, and gods are also human. The one who can

control their own destiny is God, but sometimes you can't control it even if you want to!

Looking back on the past, it's truly unbearable to recall. Memories are tasteless, and my confidence has vanished

. I don't even know how I got through it all.

Now, my economic strength and mental state are worlds apart from then. When a person is proficient in

a skill, their demeanor naturally displays a temperament and style that ordinary people lack. Appearance changes with the heart.

If a person over 30 hasn't cultivated an attractive appearance, they certainly have a responsibility. A person

proficient in a skill naturally possesses charm. When people are in opposition, if one doesn't have a strong

charisma to attract the other, there's no future to speak of.

The deeper one's understanding of oneself, the deeper one's understanding of others naturally becomes.

Life is like a stone; you can carve it into a god or a demon, it's up to you.

I don't believe there's anything human can't conquer. It's not about physical strength, but inner

strength—that's true power. Only those with inner strength can conquer everything. I fear nothing

. Once I've set my mind on something, I'll forge ahead without hesitation. Those who have survived countless battles are fearless because of

this.

I admire Chow Yun-fat. In him, I see all the qualities a man should possess:

struggle, perseverance, maturity, stability, filial piety, ruthlessness, tenacity, optimism, and contentment. These are all

genuine qualities a person should have.

These past few years of struggle have taught me many life lessons. I used to be very selfish, but later

experiences have shown me that a person who loves themselves can also love others; a person who can praise themselves can also

praise others. The key is that if you like others, they will naturally like you; if you dislike others,

they will naturally dislike you.

I cherish

the friendship .

Confidence not only leads you to success but also brings boundless

confidence and hope to those around you.

Now, as long as I firmly believe something is right, I muster the courage to go all out.

Excessive caution leads to failure. A hesitant and timid person is destined for nothing

because, in their eyes, nothing is possible. The only thing that truly frightens you is fear itself.

Instead of thinking of things as difficult, think of them as simple. This gives you the courage to overcome difficulties

and leads to success. I am a person who refuses to give in.

Even now, I still think of my brother from time to time. His death was as light as a feather, but in our

hearts, that feather will forever remain with us. Wherever we are, we will think of him and sigh. He was

an unbearable lightness in our lives, a constant companion throughout our lives.

In truth, we are all insignificant figures in the course of history. Fame and fortune are things we cannot take with us when we die.

Perhaps in decades or centuries, our generation will be forgotten. What matters is what we need now. As the saying goes,

"When the flowers fall, nothing remains." Gently I depart, without taking a single cloud with me.

Even though so many years have passed, I still sometimes have a sense of time travel. I wonder,

if we meet again in heaven one day, will he still remember me?

...

I really don't dare to think about it.

【over】

URL 1:https://www.sexlove5.com/htmlBlog/166845.html

URL 2:/Blog.aspx?id=166845&aspx=1

Last access time:

Previous Page : [Step by step, my boyfriend's journey of training me] (Chapters 1-2)

Next Page : [The Indulgent Wife]

增加

comment Open a new window to view comments

Contact Information

【Confusion】(Tenderness—Kyoto's Sealed Memories)

comment Open a new window to view comments