[Desperate Imprisonment] Episode 1: My Life is a Tragedy (Another New Story)

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-23

Chapter 1 of *Desperate Imprisonment*
: My Life is a Tragedy
A summer night, a warm, humid breeze swept across the city's night sky.
I stood outside the walls of a newly built residential complex called "Xi Hua Yuan" in this urban-rural fringe area, letting the dark green
iron railings and the shadows of the plane trees conceal my figure in the darkness. I took a deep breath, ignoring the
dusty air, the summer heat, trying to steady my breathing and calm my nerves,
but with little effect… My tightly clenched hands were covered in slippery sweat, I could clearly
hear my heart pounding, and feel my bones and joints
cracking from the tension…
I stared at Building 23 of "Xi Hua Yuan," a dark, desolate shadow in the night sky, with only
a few scattered lights, telling the story of the almost empty occupancy rate of this common type of newly built residential complex.
…
I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Ishikawa Yue, and I'm currently an unemployed person who has just lost my job.
Just a month ago, I was a real estate agent at a small branch of "Wannian Real Estate" in the Xinkongjiang District
.
Tonight, I'm going to sneak into this neighborhood, go to apartment 03 on the 17th floor of building 23, and rape a female
high school student!
...
But the story has to start from the beginning.
My name is Shi Chuanyue. Because "Chuanyue" sounds like "time travel," I've often been given
nicknames and jokes since I was little. Actually, my name has nothing to do with time travel. My dad gave me this name
purely as a homonym for the auspicious meaning of "a long river flowing into the sea, a carp leaping over the dragon gate."
However, I haven't been able to flow into any sea or leap over any dragon gate. I
grew up in a dilapidated small county town, and my grades were just average from a young age. Except for sports, I didn't have any decent grades in my studies.
I also learned to smoke, skip classes, fight, occasionally play mahjong or poker, and even commit petty theft,
sometimes extorting pocket money from elementary school students with a few buddies… Although I didn't do anything particularly illegal or disorderly
, sometimes I'd carry around a bladed bayonet I'd bought online, thinking I was some kind of gangster.
While I seemed quite daring and capable in a fight back then… I never really became a gangster.
After graduating high school, I left my hometown in a daze and came to this big city, ostensibly to make my way in the world,
but really just doing odd jobs with meager pay. I've worked as a loader, waiter, internet cafe manager, and
furniture installer—basically, all jobs with no future, no stability, and no real professionalism
. My last job was as a real estate agent at a brokerage firm; after all, these jobs have
low barriers to entry and flexible hours… Actually, today's big cities in China are teeming with
young people like me, living hand to mouth. After paying rent, utilities, food, shelter, and daily necessities
, my wallet is often empty. During that time, I only had one girlfriend on a construction site—a very ordinary one
—and it was a quick fling. As for the sexual desires of a man my age, besides masturbation, I occasionally
went to a hair salon to find a shampoo girl for release.
"Fortunately," my single father passed away at a young age. I know saying "fortunately" doesn't
sound very filial, but financially speaking, it's true. His life savings were left
to me a house in our hometown. Unfortunately, a few years ago, property prices skyrocketed, even in my small hometown, houses could sell for
hundreds of thousands of yuan. I sold that house, leaving me with 180,000 yuan in savings… I initially thought that as a real estate agent, I
knew the ropes and could collect information, find suitable properties, buy a house in the city, and maybe
even get married… But then I realized I was being foolish. With that amount of money, in a major city in China, I
couldn't even afford a toilet, let alone a house.
I put the money in the bank to earn interest, but then property prices surged again, and I
regretted selling the house… Two years passed like this, and I became a ridiculous figure
: 180,000 yuan in savings, but no house, no relatives, and no stable job—
one of the most hopeless people in the city. Every day, I solemnly introduce how Zhang San and Li Si buy wedding houses, villas,
and improve their living conditions, persuading people to engage in various speculative financing schemes for buying houses… while I myself can only afford to rent.
Then… I met a girl named "Lulu" online.
Lulu is a high school student studying in the provincial capital, currently a junior, and also a
female streamer on a live streaming platform. Okay… I was quite surprised. In my understanding, 　　singing, acting cute, and playing games in
live streaming rooms are just considered a pastime or hobby. It turns out that these days, 　　being a female streamer can be considered a profession or career. Of course, since Lulu is only seventeen 　　years old and still in high school, it's rare to see such a young girl in a live streaming room, let alone a professional one. 　　Lulu's live streaming content mostly consists of singing, chatting, and sometimes even live streaming herself doing homework and explaining 　　exercises; only occasionally will she perform some simple dance moves. Actually, Lulu's live stream 　　had very low viewership. At its peak, only two or three hundred people watched simultaneously, and most of the time it was only 　　a hundred or even a few dozen viewers. Considering the suspicion that these live streaming platforms might "encourage data manipulation 　　," I even doubted that she had more than a few dozen real viewers and fans. Many of the people spamming the chat 　　were actually her classmates; they seemed to have turned this live stream into their class chat room. 　　According to Lulu herself, she was a second-year high school student who came to the provincial capital to study after being admitted to the second-best high school in the province. For convenience, 　　she was currently staying with her sister, who worked in the provincial capital. 　　The reason I was attracted to this low-profile streamer was perhaps simply because everything about Lulu—her 　　image, her speech, and her live stream content—was exceptionally pure and student-like, completely untouched by any worldly concerns. At that 　　time, I also happened to have some free time, and perhaps we just clicked, so she was someone I could briefly watch after work each day.

A small haven for the soul. Lulu never wears revealing clothes, never wears makeup or jewelry,
and doesn't even know how to use beauty filters. She certainly doesn't deliberately showcase her femininity or
charm to flirt. Occasionally, a few loose-lipped netizens pass by her room and say some crude flirting
things, and she blushes, frowns, and blocks them. She's completely like a young girl still in school,
secretly peeking at the wonderful world online during her breaks from studying... Coming from a small county town, I'm
probably more attracted to her natural and innocent charm.
Her live stream content was quite simple. Usually, around 8 or 9 pm after school and dinner, she
would appear in front of the camera wearing her school uniform, chatting and laughing with her fans in the live stream, talking about her homework
, teachers, and so on. Sometimes she would even seriously discuss how to solve physics and math problems. Her fans (who seemed
to be her classmates) would always praise her as the most beautiful girl in her class, an artsy type, and then tease her, making her blush
… Occasionally she would sing a song, and only when she was particularly happy would she zoom out and perform a few very basic
ballet moves. Her singing was average, and her dance skills weren't exactly professional, but her figure was light and
delicate, exuding a strong sense of youth and artistry. Every time she tiptoed and swung her arms, it was
breathtaking… at least it felt like a dream to me.
Actually, Lulu's face is quite pretty. She doesn't have the typical cookie-cutter "V-shaped" face of many online celebrities; instead, she
has a slightly round face with a small, round nose. Her cheeks are fair and soft, and her eyes are a little small,
turning into crescent moons when she smiles—quite distinctive. Lulu's overall figure is also petite. Besides her
round face, she sometimes gives off a delicate, fragile vibe, evoking a desire to protect her
. She likes to wear a cute side ponytail, simple yet with a touch of playfulness. Her clothing consists mainly of
school uniforms and sportswear, occasionally a cute plain turtleneck sweater or a loose long-sleeved t-shirt.
Forget about showing any skin below the neck; you can hardly see anything underneath.
However, this fresh, conservative, and natural campus style made her image and temperament as the class beauty of a top high school
stand out even more, making her even more charming...
At that time, I was really... sigh, looking back now, it was actually a different kind of lustful impulse and overestimating myself
... I just developed an unrealistic, fantastical affection for this little girl who was clearly more than ten years younger than me.
Every night after work, I would often wait in her live stream until she finished broadcasting, chatting and
laughing with her, opening her private window, sending her comments, and occasionally sending her virtual gifts.
Because there were actually very few people in the live stream, excluding Lulu's classmates, I was one of the few loyal fans, and Lulu
was quite friendly to me. She called me Brother Stone, and I called her Lulu... Besides chatting about all sorts of random
things, she would even complain to me that she would be a senior in high school next year and actually wanted to go to an arts school, but her parents and sister disagreed
and insisted that she take the college entrance examination and get a "proper major". I would also pretend to be knowledgeable, hiding my instinctive
violence and shallowness, and offer her some life advice. I would also rack my brains
to share interesting anecdotes from my work, often making her laugh heartily. As a real estate agent, you always encounter all sorts of different people and all
sorts of poignant or amusing life stories. The Zhang family's divorce was about property, the Li family's alimony dispute was also
about property... In the city, these are just the kinds of things that are perfect topics of conversation with this naive young girl
. Lulu loved listening to these stories...
At that time, I couldn't help but fantasize that there might be some kind of
mutual attraction or destiny between us.
Later, that live-streaming platform became quite popular for a while, with all sorts of activities and rules going on and on. Lulu said that
her room, which had no viewers, was trying to climb the rankings, otherwise her room number might be canceled, and
she would be quite disappointed if her room number was canceled. I was one of her few adult fans, and in a moment of bragging, I boasted that I had just
sold a large villa and received a hefty commission. I then showered her room with
gifts worth approximately 1300 yuan to keep it "active." Her room was mostly frequented by students, so they probably
couldn't compete with me in that respect… My actions were the envy of not only Lulu but also several of her regular young fans.
As for me, I couldn't resist playing the part of a successful businessman, saying things
like, "It's nothing," and "Don't worry about it," just to maintain appearances.
Those few days, she was incredibly grateful to me, thanking me privately. From then on, whenever she finished her live stream, she would
occasionally chat with me on WeChat or call me… Her voice, like a nightingale's song, captivated me…
Then, Lulu actually sent me 500 yuan back via WeChat. She said she wasn't after the gifts, but just
wanted to keep the live stream going. She sang, chatted, danced, and listened to her classmates
' praise in the live stream, which was a way to make up for her disappointment at not being able to take the art exam because her parents forced her to; she didn't want me to spend
money, so she took out all her pocket money to return it to me. She knew it wasn't easy for me to earn money, and she wanted to
make up for my loss.
At that moment, I was truly moved. Although 1300 yuan wasn't a small amount for me,
it was an impulsive purchase, and I never thought about regretting it. I never expected Lulu to
use her own pocket money to compensate me… I'm so glad I met such a pure
-hearted girl who isn't materialistic at all, and who is so beautiful and charming. I declined a bit, but accepted the 500 yuan... Then
, I became even more obsessed, showering her with gifts in her room.
During that time, I admit I was a little obsessed; I even neglected my clients, spending all my time in
Lulu's livestream and on WeChat. I truly enjoyed the thrill of her opening my private chat window and messaging me on WeChat every day, like two secret
lovers whispering sweet nothings to thank me... Every time I sent a gift,
besides her sweet "Thank you, Brother Stone" in the livestream, she would always open my private chat window after the broadcast to thank
me, tell me about her life at school, and patiently listen to my continued rambling...
Once, I couldn't resist anymore, perhaps wanting to test her feelings for me, I nervously suggested...
After I asked, she didn't mind at all. She started occasionally sending me a quick
selfie or two after her live stream ended, before going to sleep, in the WeChat window.
It felt like such a private, intimate, even sweet world for just the two of us. Although I wasn't too sure about
confirming it, I always felt that when a girl sends a man a specific selfie, their
relationship must have taken a big step forward.
Lulu's selfies were also makeup-free, just bedtime selfies. Simple, fresh-faced,
smiling at the camera with her crescent-shaped eyes, but the thought that this little girl, before falling asleep, in her own
room, wearing casual clothes, specially took these photos just for me… made me feel so sweetly
intoxicated that my head was spinning, like I was in love. Sometimes,
the selfies Lulu sends me aren't even the school uniform she usually wears in front of the camera, but rather
her pajamas after she's finished her stream, taken a shower, and changed into… Although a girl's school pajamas are definitely not going for a sexy look, for a guy like me
, the colors, patterns, textures, and the symbolism of purity and privacy in a top high school girl's pajamas, even if they're completely covered up,
are probably more exciting than sexy lingerie.
And, girls' clothes and rooms are so exquisite… Lulu's stream background is her
bedroom; I estimate it's a small room of about thirteen or fourteen square meters, simply yet exquisitely painted, with
a small, single birchwood bed measuring about 1.2 feet in front of the camera as the backdrop. Lulu seems to prefer light blue.
Sometimes her bed sheets are light blue with cartoon letters, and sometimes they're a more solid blue
. On a small bedside table is a light blue Winnie the Pooh lamp. Against the wall near the door
is a jasmine-patterned sliding wardrobe, which looks quite luxurious, although it's never moved. But
one can imagine Lulu's clothes, both inner and outer garments, are neatly and elegantly arranged inside. Lulu's curtains are beige
plaid woolen curtains with cute little light blue stars.
Sometimes, for the sake of the camera, there's a huge Shar Pei plush toy on her small bed.
Everything was so exquisite, neat, delicate, and romantic… Lulu was very careful. Sometimes
, she would neatly fold her school uniform or sweaters and place them on the bedside table, but in the entire shot,
there would be absolutely no suggestive clothing that female anchors deliberately include, let alone any lingerie or bras
… However, this simplicity, mystery, and warmth only made me more unable to resist fantasizing…
At first, I never fantasized about Lulu. I told myself she was a classmate, a friend, a little sister I met by chance
; she was my little angel, and I only… I should cherish her, not defile her… However, as
our relationship grew closer, one day, perhaps without her noticing, she
sent me a full-body selfie. The angle and effect were particularly striking; the lines beneath her thin, white cotton pajamas were incredibly
alluring. I then noticed: Lulu's small breasts were surprisingly round, and even under her school uniform, they
possessed quite an alluring curve. And Lulu's hips were so firm and full…
Nowadays, girls are well-nourished and well-maintained, so they develop better than our generation. Lulu
's figure, overall, appeared somewhat petite and delicate, but from that angle, from that photo, her
two very obvious breasts under her bra, encased in her thin pajamas, with their
prominent protrusions at the tips, were impossible to look away from… And her waist was so slender, and her cute buttocks beneath her pajamas
were round and not at all large, seemingly radiating the beauty and vitality of life and youth.
Then, comparing it to Lulu's fair and delicate skin, unique to a seventeen-year-old girl... that night, I couldn't hold
back any longer and began to fantasize about Lulu's body, fantasizing about having sex with her, fantasizing about raping her, desecrating her, violating her...
and in my frenzied masturbation,
I ejaculated all over the bed... From that day on, I became more and more excited to send her gifts, and more and more diligent in asking Lulu for selfies. I could
only fall asleep after fantasizing about Lulu every day... I imagined her neck, collarbone, veins, chest, breasts,
areolas, nipples, waist, back, lower abdomen, navel, buttocks, thighs, calves, feet... I even imagined
her vagina and buttocks. Of course, I've never seen any of this, but I can imagine it. I
imagine the most beautiful loli-type actress's body that I've seen in porn, amplified tenfold, and imagining it as Lulu. Then I imagine
myself holding Lulu, kissing her, and imagining her responding shyly, letting out a tender whimper,
covering her face in embarrassment. And then I can continue to caress and enjoy her body, feel her curves, defile her purity
, and taste her virginity... because she loves me too, so she willingly offers her body to me for my pleasure.
However, I often couldn't wait long before I would uncontrollably ejaculate in a frenzy. I
couldn't even reach the more stimulating parts. Sometimes, just thinking about the foreplay, imagining her sitting in my lap, her little
bottom nudging my genitals, kissing me, letting me touch her breasts through her clothes—I couldn't
bear it. My mind would become muddled, and I would frantically masturbate until I reached orgasm. Those blasphemous
, stimulating, or extreme scenarios wouldn't even have time to surface… The more I fantasized, the more I idealized Lulu
's body. I had never actually seen her, but every detail of her body seemed vividly clear before my
eyes—sight, touch, taste… everything was so real and perfect.
I didn't feel qualified to date a great girl; this was the kind of spiritual and physical union I imagined.
Of course, as my fantasies about Lulu grew stronger, I couldn't help but tentatively confess my feelings to her
. Every day I would send her "good morning," "good after noon,
" and "good news," and I would pretend to sing to her on WeChat, "Just like this, spending the whole day together,
a world for two..." I would start kissing her with emojis, and I would compliment her with slightly flirtatious remarks.
I even foolishly sent her a few photos of myself that I thought looked pretty good.
Lulu didn't seem to like my overstepping jokes. Sometimes, my slightly inappropriate remarks...
She would get angry and annoyed, saying, "Brother Stone, if you keep doing this, I'm not talking to you anymore!" But this pure, innocent,
and flawless demeanor only intensified my feelings for her. Subconsciously, I idealized her as
an untainted fairy, a gift from God to me, the loser.
... Then, when my mind cleared, I realized I had already spent 　　350,000 yuan
in Lulu's livestream ! 　　... 　　Yes, it really happened without me even realizing it. Although Lulu had been advising me not to spend so much, 　　perhaps it was because her thanks were always so sincere; perhaps it was because she 　　interacted with me every time I spent money, and I didn't feel much pressure spending money individually—sometimes it was tens of yuan, 　　sometimes hundreds, occasionally thousands... 　　In short, when I felt immense pressure and checked my account, it was like a dream...I had actually 　　spent 350,000 yuan! Here, besides the entire 180,000 yuan inheritance my father left me, there's more than that— 　　several credit cards I've maxed out, and even some misappropriated client deposits I've entrusted to me. 　　Humans really are good at escaping. Of course, I knew I was broke long ago, but as long 　　as the company and clients weren't pressuring me more and more, I could continue my hedonistic escape. Because as long as I 　　kept sending gifts, I could play another version of myself with Lulu—not a useless, 　　urban loser real estate agent, but someone "capable and resourceful" who could offer girls support, dreams, and trust 　　. That feeling was too good; I couldn't stop. Stopping was like losing a dream, 　　losing everything… 　　Lulu wanted to climb the rankings, I sent gifts! Lulu wanted to be featured, I sent gifts! Lulu wanted to be on the homepage, I sent gifts! Lulu wanted to participate 　　in activities, I sent gifts! Let alone Lulu's admiration and dependence on me, even her classmates in her room clearly 　　respected and envied me. In their student eyes, I was different from the student world— 　　a successful adult with the maturity, pride, and sense of accomplishment that comes with having the freedom to spend money. 　　...Although, apart from my meager salary and commissions, I actually had no other source of income. 　　Looking back on all of this now, Alibaba seems like a fucking absurd mess. 　　It wasn't until a client discovered something was amiss and came to my company, which fired me without hesitation, severed 　　all ties with me, and sent me a lawyer's letter demanding repayment of the deposits, that I frantically started borrowing 　　money and looking for work. It was then that I seemed to wake up from a dream and realized: I had made a huge mistake. 　　But I can't blame Lulu. It was all my own choice; Lulu never forced me, or even 　　actively asked me to... However, my most serious problem now isn't the company chasing me for money, but 　　... I really can't afford to send any more gifts. 　　Cash was long gone, all the credit cards were locked, and the last bit of money had been spent on virtual 　　gifts… 　　That platform was holding some kind of offline carnival event, and streamers with a certain number of activity points could be 　　invited. Lulu was a small, unknown streamer, but because she still dreamed of becoming an actress, and the event had media 　　participation, she really wanted to go, perhaps hoping for some opportunity… This time, she 　　did tentatively ask me, quite apologetically, but… I really couldn't afford to send any more gifts. 　　Perhaps it was a momentary lapse of judgment, or perhaps it was the panic of waking up from a dream that caused my movements to become distorted, but that day, 　　I finally managed to "invite Lulu out for tea" and have a chat... 　　I numbed myself, hoping it would be a date, a turning point in our relationship. The scene I secretly fantasized about 　　was something like this: 　　I would meet Lulu in a coffee shop, and of course, she would be dressed beautifully and charmingly. Then, 　　like a mature older brother in a South Korean drama, I would have a heartfelt yet domineering and handsome chat with her, telling her that 　　everything on the live streaming platform was just marketing, that she should focus on her studies and not get caught up in it, that she would be a senior in high school next year and 　　should study hard to get into university, or... that she should confront her parents and, if she wanted to take the art exam 　　, she should take it. As for me, I would still be there in the live streaming room to accompany her and take care of her, but I would stop indulging in those vain 　　things. She'll probably be touched. She must already have feelings for me. A seventeen-year-old girl should be 　　experiencing her first stirrings of love, with a heart capable of appreciating romance, beginning to understand matters between men and women. In today's 　　information-rich society, even a pure girl like Lulu should understand what love is. She might 　　already be infatuated with me. She might shyly confess to me, telling me she doesn't understand anything, 　　knows nothing, but will listen to me. Then, she'll shyly hint that she's still young and 　　hasn't thought much about that kind of thing. When she says this, she'll secretly look at me, afraid I'll be angry; that look will be incredibly cute and 　　charming… Then, I'll generously tell her I can wait for her to grow up, until she graduates from university. She'll be 　　very happy… Then, I'll ask her out a few more times, and then, finally, one day, she won't be able to resist, and we'll 　　share our first kiss in a dimly lit corner. She would offer her lips—those delicate, 　　thin, melodious, and lovely lips she had never offered to a man before. I would sprinkle a gentle yet firm touch of my emotions onto her lips, 　　etching my mark. Perhaps… during the kiss, taking advantage of her infatuation, for the first time, through her sweater 　　, I would touch her intoxicating breasts, or through her jeans, I would caress her firm buttocks 　　—a physical contact I had long dreamed of, one I had wanted to truly feel the elasticity of Lulu's body 　　… Then, at that moment, I would hold her close, with fearless courage and a nonchalant tone, and tell 　　her: I spent hundreds of thousands for her. She would let out a soft moan and throw herself into my arms, saying it was all her fault, 　　begging for my forgiveness, saying she was sorry. I would generously tell her: Money can be earned again, but our love 　　is eternal. Then, she would be incredibly embarrassed, but to express her apology and gratitude, she would kiss 　　me, caress me, and even rub her breasts and genitals against me, like young couples hiding in the shade of trees.

The same secretive actions, because the best gift she could give me to express her gratitude, apology, and love
was her body. A few days later, after she went to university, I would go to a clean little hotel
, and personally unbutton her clothes, unhook her bra, and remove the panties that tightly covered her buttocks, thoroughly
observing all her secrets, all her tenderness, all her delicacy. Then I would caress and kiss her, inch by
inch, using my hands and my lips to declare my dominance over her body… until
she was aroused, until she melted like a hot spring, until she began to dazedly be pressed down on me…
…Finally, I could use my powerful penis to explore her shameful maidenhood, to
probe into her pink, juicy flesh… I would be very gentle, using a few silky bloodstains and
the slightly painful expression of a girl losing her virginity, to bring Lulu and me into a completely new world for two.
Looking back now, aren't those presumptuous, lustful guys who think with their lower bodies always ridiculously
indulging in their own fantasies?
In fact, that "date" was nothing like I imagined; it was absolutely awful.
Lulu seemed dissatisfied with my appearance and my eagerness… In the coffee shop, we chatted
for a while, and I mentioned my feelings for her, but the atmosphere was awkward… It was obvious she was just being polite;
the disappointment of a city girl meeting a boring, working-class online friend was palpable. She was still
very cute, chatting and laughing, but the first part of her conversation was essentially just one thing: she really wanted to go to that
carnival. And… she seemed quite clever; she could tell from my expression that I was out of options
and couldn't support her anymore. So, the second part of her conversation was another simple message: she
had homework to review and had to leave… All my carefully prepared lines never got a chance to be uttered.
That day, I walked back to my rented apartment in a daze, as if drunk.
That's how the dream ends. Waking up, my whole body aches with a piercing pain.
Despair, frustration, anger, and humiliation surge into my heart. Not towards Lulu, but towards my own pathetic self.
Why didn't I think of this before?! What a ridiculous fool I am!
She was seventeen, I was twenty-five.
She was born in a big city, I was born in an unknown small county.
She was in her second year of high school, at a prestigious school, with a bright future ahead of her, regardless of whether she went to art school… I only
had a worthless high school diploma.
She had a bright future, while I was just a stupid real estate agent… bankrupt.
She was so beautiful… and I was so ordinary, even pathetic.
She showed me the beauty of a world, but forgot to remind me: that the
splendor and glamour were not something I deserved. Her life might have been a flower-lined country path, and I was just
a frog she stumbled upon on the roadside; while my life was like a coffee table, covered with tragedies.
Then, the more I thought about it, the worse that meeting seemed. Didn't I realize that my
clothes and shoes weren't designer brands? Did I pay attention to my outfit? Was I too vulgar, lacking any
proper manners? Didn't I realize that even the small detail of ordering a coffee exposed my
poverty and low social standing as a working-class person? Didn't I realize that besides surviving a few more years in this world
, I had no masculine charm to boast about or display?
I actually wanted to pursue a girl who was the prettiest girl in a top high school? And a girl from a year later? Did I think I was some kind of rich guy
? I was so absurd, fantasizing about what might happen between us… And
the foundation of all these ridiculous sexual fantasies was the last bit of inheritance my father left me and the debts on several credit cards
.
Despair, frustration, anger, humiliation. I truly understood
the meaning of "a tragic life" to the core.
Humans are so ridiculous. Then, perhaps to escape the pain of the real world, for those few days,
instead of facing anything, I masturbated even more frantically, fantasizing about Lulu masturbating wildly. The scenarios in my fantasies
became increasingly exaggerated, intense, perverse, evil, and boundless. That anger, humiliation,
despair, and frustration transformed into increasingly desecrating lustful thoughts about Lulu.
I began to fantasize not about "making love" with her, but about "raping" her, even "sexually assaulting
," humiliating, and torturing her. My fantasies ranged from erotic novels to pornographic films, reaching
the most extreme fantasies hidden deep within a man's heart. Sometimes, Lulu becomes a bound girl, whom I tie
up and rape in the most lewd ways; sometimes, I drag Lulu to my filthy rented room to
imprison her, where she helplessly serves me in distress and pain; sometimes, Lulu becomes some kind of female knight-errant or
nurse, her clothing and identity constantly becoming more fantastical and exciting; sometimes, Lulu even becomes my sister
, my daughter, calling me brother, calling me father, and committing incest with me… In short, the more intense and
brutal, the better. Each time, the final outcome was always the same: under some form of violence or coercion, she
was forced to cry, feel ashamed, despair, and suffer, using her purest body to perform
the most humiliating and lewd acts to please me under my tyranny. I would play with her breasts, and I increasingly fantasized about her crying as she
performed oral sex on me, and out of fear and helplessness, she would eventually stick out her delicate little buttocks like a puppy, making it easier
for me to penetrate her… And I would penetrate her body in the most shameful position, listen to her pleasure, enjoy
her loss of virginity… and then… comfort my own humiliated and desperate self-esteem.
Sometimes, I fantasize that she finally realizes it's all her fault, then kneels before me, begging
for my forgiveness. She humbly and humiliatingly removes her school uniform, leaving only her innocent yet alluring lingerie,
rubbing her breasts and vulva against me, torturing herself to give me pleasure, begging me to enjoy her body to
atone for her mistakes… In that scene, I sneer, I'm dismissive, she continues to beg, I continue to be dismissive
… Finally, she can only climb onto me willingly, struggling to sit down, actively, using…
The crimson of a woman's blood and the tender screams of a young girl being defiled served as solace for my dignity…
My fantasies about Lulu evolved from tender, warm, and mutually agreeable lovemaking
into a frenzied, stimulating, perverse, and utterly depraved act.
In my fantasies, during masturbation and orgasm, I found my last vestige of dignity.
But in the real world, I felt even more humiliated and dejected.
Lulu seemed to realize that I was actually a tall, strong, penniless boy who couldn't afford any
gifts anymore, or perhaps she had never considered it before. But as I desperately tried
to get something out of her with my words, she began to recognize my vulgarity and lust, and she became increasingly open about expressing
her disgust. She almost explicitly stated that she was a high school student, not yet an adult, and that all her
romantic advances were blasphemy and insults to her… It was all just my own wishful thinking; I should
mature and stop this.
I was like a fool. I laughed wildly, I masturbated like crazy, I was disheveled, and I kept masturbating… I really
was a fool.
I started stroking my sharpened military dagger.
The more desperate a person is, the more insane they become, and the more irrational their actions become… Until the day before yesterday, I gave her a final
gift of 1000 yuan, then opened her private message and told her that I liked her, that I loved her, and that I
wanted to be with her… hoping she would give me a chance.
She returned my money and sent me a long, heartfelt message, telling me she was still young and
wouldn't consider such things, expressing her apologies for the misunderstanding. She continued,
"Brother Stone, I hope we can still be friends, but my classmates say that in this situation, saying
'let's be friends' is an implication that could easily lead to further misunderstandings and confusion. We should both
mature. My words, actions, even an expression shouldn't disturb your life or cause you more
misunderstandings. So I've decided to stop contacting you, hoping for your understanding. I hope this immature
little decision will become a slightly awkward, yet sweet and warm memory in your future. You can
laugh and talk with your future wife and children, remembering me as a mischievous girl, a passerby in your life… I'm
so sorry."
How beautifully she wrote, how mature, how considerate, how romantic, even using the formal "you"... Then, she blocked me.
I was taught by a seventeen-year-old girl, in a gentle yet educational tone, how to be a person,
how to handle relationships correctly, how to mature…
I squandered everything my father left me; I still owe seven credit cards and a loan from a small loan company.
What I left behind… was a memory of a seventeen-year-old girl teaching me how to be a person.
Actually, I know very well that all of this is my own doing, and I can't blame Lulu. It was my own
stupidity, lust, fantasies, immaturity, ignorance, unrealistic expectations, and irresponsibility that made everything
this way. I'm a lolicon, I had erotic dreams, I read too many romance novels or watched too many pornographic films, I was a toad
trying to eat swan meat, attempting to possess a girl I didn't deserve… I never faced
the gap between my social class and my desires. It was my vanity, my pretense of wealth, my lack of self-control… it was my
fantasy… that I deserved the love of a pure, artistic, and beautiful girl.
Lulu never lied to me… didn't she? Even if she was a bit vain,
she showed some deliberate gratitude and goodwill when she received my gift … but she never said anything about repaying me with her body.
She was even very careful with her words, never even saying "I like you." Was I just deceiving myself…?
But, when a person reaches this point, if they don't find someone to vent their anger on, could they really… commit suicide?!
…
At this moment, I truly understand the saying, "My life is like a coffee table, covered with
tragedies." People can joke about this, but only those truly abandoned by life can truly
appreciate the sorrow, despair, and deep self-mockery within it.
I can't face all of this, just like every time I can't face it and choose to escape…
I continued to choose to escape. Like someone who sings terribly going to karaoke and
deliberately singing louder and more off-key, I just wanted to make everything worse, more chaotic,
more absurd, to cover up my previous awfulness, chaos, and absurdity.
I found out the neighborhood where Lulu was staying with her sister… I took the sharpened
triangular bayonet that had been with me for years, yet hidden under my bed…
I was already despairing of my life, which was as worthless as a coffee table. I didn't have the courage to face the humiliation life had inflicted upon me.
I was going to sneak into Lulu's room; I was going to rape her! I was going to fulfill my lewd sexual fantasies;
I was going to use her virgin blood and the rest of my life to atone for my tragic, coffee table-like existence!

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