Fragrant grass

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-23

On October 1, 2003, I was lying in bed reading a book, the ancient classic *The Carnal Prayer Mat* by Li Yu, long forgotten. With rapid development and progress, even if it wasn't banned, few people would remember it.
My wife, Ye Ling, was lying beside me. She had already decided to stay home and sleep for seven days straight, and she was in a great mood that night. Seeing me silent and engrossed in my erotic book, Ye Ling snuggled up to me and started fooling around. Then, seizing the opportunity when I wasn't focused on my book, she said, "Ding Ding, how about we watch a movie?"
I turned on my computer and found a classic among classics, the familiar opening music of *When Peach Blossoms Bloom*, and the image of Li Lizhen, her breasts just beginning to bud, washed pink and delicate by water—a memory I still cherish after all these years.
Before I could even get the screen properly angled, Ye Ling reached out and pinched my waist. "Why is this still on your computer! Dingding, when did you get so old? Don't you know that in a city like this, porn and erotic novels are outdated?"
I mumbled, "Then what do you want to watch! Babysitting? Old cow eating young grass or old grass biting a calf? Violent SM? Or maybe gay? Transvestite battle? Horse walking and dog walking?..."
Ye Ling changed from pinching to squeezing, and it actually hurt a little.
She pinched my thigh hard, "Why don't you just talk to me for a while!"
She hasn't changed in all the years we've been married; if the lights aren't turned off at night, she insists on talking.
What should I talk about? I chased after her whenever I had a spare moment to talk, but it was getting harder and harder to find topics to discuss. I asked, "Haven't you talked enough?"
Ye Ling recited the nursery rhyme to me: "Light the lamp to talk, blow out the lamp for company, get up early to comb your little braids!"
I ruffled her hair haphazardly. "Little girl, you cut your braids a long time ago!"
"If you really like them, I'll grow them back!"
Her bright eyes sparkled, making me a little distracted.
Ye Ling looked better with her braids cut than with them, and she looked better as a wife than as a girl. The way she snuggled up to me now was more endearing than when I tried to hold her hand. I wanted to tell her I loved her, that I wanted her to flirt with me like this forever, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. The word "love" is heavy; it's better to keep it in your heart than to say it casually.
I said, "Where should we start today? Let's tell a joke!"
Ye Ling threw herself at my chest. "Tell me a funny one, preferably a little risqué."
Many years ago, everyone was a child.
Two little children were urinating together. He had a penis, but she didn't. They stared at each other, their eyes wide with innocent wonder. Then he started teasing her. The girl went home crying and begging her mother. Her wise mother told her, "Silly girl, what's so special about that? A penis is a toy; you can have as many as you want when you grow up, as long as you want."
Ye Ling laughed. Ye Ling quickly became angry again, "What kind of stinky man made up this joke? No mother would teach her daughter like that."
Then she even became a little sad, "Ding Ding, is this how men... see women, even a mother?"
I asked her, "Even you, the infamous last virgin in the whole school back then, said that 'Sex and Zen' and Category III films are outdated. So today, isn't it a kind of progress that women should be happy about when a mother teaches her daughter to use her penis as a toy?"
The last virgin in the whole school—this title easily leads to all sorts of fantasies. When I first told Ye Ling that she had such a nickname, she stared wide-eyed in shock and pitifully asked, "Am I actually particularly ugly? And I... didn't even realize it?" Of
course she wasn't ugly. Although she wasn't one of the most beautiful girls in school, she was still very unique and cute, and attracted a lot of boys' attention. She just had fierce and powerful kicks. Growing up with her father, a professional martial arts coach, she could kick a boy away even if he accidentally touched a non-sensitive part of her body.
Ye Ling remained silent for a long time, then, unwilling to give up, pinched the tender flesh of my thigh and said, "You taught me to be bad."
She lost her mother at a young age, and she was filled with reverence and longing for her mother. She vowed that when she had children, they would be the people she loved most, and my position would automatically be secondary, even if she were to become too prolific and place me further down the list.
She blamed me for discovering her bad behavior, so of course, she couldn't complain no matter how hard I pinched her. I said, "I was just telling a joke. But undeniably, youth is a thrilling, absurd, vulgar, and bewildering game. Everyone plays it differently, and therefore, many years later, people have their own unique lives."
Ye Ling loved listening to me talk about youth and life. She loosened her grip on my leg. "My youth is a blank, my life is a blank, all wasted by you, you bastard. Hurry up and have a baby with me, I want to have a hundred and more, so many that I'll forget you."
In Ye Ling's wishful thinking, once she started having children, it was like a hen laying eggs. She'd turn off the lights tonight, go to sleep, and wake up tomorrow morning with a couple of giggles, and a baby would be born.
I always thought that if she remained this naive and wishful thinking her whole life, I would be happier than anyone else.
I reached for the bedside lamp, and Ye Ling quietly grabbed me. "It's only nine o'clock now, turn off the light at ten. I still want to hear you talk, say the sweetest things, say you love me, that you've only loved me since you were ten, and that all your past girlfriends, they were all... your dreams, you don't even remember a single one."
Today wasn't her birthday, nor her wedding anniversary, just an ordinary night.
But when she wanted to hear it, what reason did I have not to confess that I loved her? Although it hadn't been as early as ten, I had finally fallen in love, and that love hadn't changed.
She first basked in sweet intoxication, then gradually frowned slightly. "You're lying. There's at least one person you won't forget. Even I clearly remember how beautiful she was. Now tell me, why... why did you suddenly decide to be with me?"
I asked cautiously, "Are you talking about... Tong Zhenzhen?"
Ye Ling pinched me hard. "So cheesy! Her student ID says her name is Tong Zhen, and you all call her Tong Zhenzhen."
I hadn't seen Tong Zhen's ID card. But at school, everyone called her Tong Zhenzhen, while I only used two characters. I'd called her that for so long that I'd even forgotten she was also surnamed Tong. I had this illusion that her only name was Zhenzhen.
I said, "Oh!"
Ye Ling said softly, "Tell me about your childhood innocence today. I've been holding back the truth in my heart. She's so... beautiful, why didn't you want her?"
I laughed, "Really? Don't pinch me!"
I said, "I promise I won't pinch you," but Ye Ling pinched me again. "Why can't I pinch you? You're hiding something. Have you never forgotten her?"
After saying that, Ye Ling seemed to pause, then cautiously peeked at me, as if afraid I would admit it.
I said, "Silly, I never heard you ask before, so I thought you didn't care. If I had known... never mind, when should I start?"
Ye Ling said very softly, "From the beginning."
I racked my brains for a while. From the beginning, that's too long!
Chapter 1
In 1993, I was sixteen years old and had just received my admission notice for Qingshui No. 1 High School.
It had rained heavily for several days during the summer vacation. On the day the sky cleared up, I was almost going crazy. The streets of Qingshui City were bustling with people like me who had been trapped by the rain for several days. The rushing waters of the Qingshui River filled the riverbed and bridge arches. If someone were as daring as me, they could touch the water with their fingertips by hooking their toes on the bridge railing.
I stretched out my fingertips to reach the floating water plants and leaves on the river surface, occasionally eliciting a scream from a passerby. Those screams thrilled and satisfied me, making me feel that the world was truly lovely and pure.
Then, as some unscrupulous passerby had predicted, I accidentally fell into the water.
When I struggled to the surface, I was about a hundred meters away from the Qingshui River Bridge where I had fallen in. Many people said that a boy named Ding Yi had drowned in the Qingshui River that day. He was a well-regarded junior high school graduate, excellent in both character and academics, respectful to elders and kind to children, and no girl didn't like doing homework and playing games with him.
I climbed ashore two or three kilometers downstream, and when I walked barefoot and dejectedly back home, my father had already called the police and gone with a group of armed police and firefighters to the Qingshui River to retrieve the body.
My mother was said to have fainted on the spot upon receiving the news, and then fainted again after waking up. To my surprise, Tong Zhenzhen, and another girl from my junior high class, were crying their hearts out with my mother.
The first person to rush to my house with the bad news was that wretched Tong Zhenzhen.
Logically, the first person to give me a warm hug should have been my dear mother, but she had just fainted for the nth time and wasn't fully recovered, so Tong Zhenzhen yelled and rushed over to hug me first. Tong Zhenzhen, at sixteen, was incredibly well-developed; through her thin cotton short-sleeved shirt, her two small breasts were full like two ripe peaches.
I had already decisively ripped off her vest in the rushing water, leaving me shirtless. The sight of such a clearly tactile young woman's breasts stunned me; my mind went completely blank. If my mother had just remained unconscious without any serious aftereffects, I might have even agreed to let Zhenzhen hug me like that forever.
Later, Tong Zhenzhen told me that she suddenly woke up, quickly let go, and ran away because my little brother had pressed against her skirt.
I'm so glad I was wearing athletic shorts that day. Even if they were just knee-length beach shorts, I swear I would have taken them off without hesitation during that struggle. As for when my little brother got hard at Tongzhen's touch, I have no recollection of it. But the embarrassment of her quickly letting go of me and my mom pounced on me, making me desperately try to hide my butt, still makes me shudder to this day.
Tongzhen was practically the school beauty in junior high, and it's said she received more love letters than all the boys in our school combined. Of course, that doesn't exclude the possibility that some shameless classmates kept sending her more.
We weren't particularly close at school; we were classmates but rarely spoke. She had her beauty, and I had my rebellious side, and perhaps that's still true now—I never really cared about myself, and I rarely cared about others.
But I have to admit I secretly liked her too, because I was too pretentious and never wanted to get close.
She was my first hug; before that, I'd only ever secretly held other girls' hands.
That day, I got a good beating from my dad. He stormed into the house and started hitting me without saying a word. Tongzhen jumped in front of him and pulled him away
, saying, "Uncle, please stop hitting me. It's my fault for spreading rumors. If you want to hit someone, hit me instead." I never expected that pretty Tongzhen... would be more effective than my mom trying to stop the fight. With just one sentence, my dad stopped, and then seized the opportunity to force her not to leave that day.
That evening, he generously treated us to dinner at a banquet restaurant. That night, both Tongzhen's parents were invited. During the dinner, I often stole glances at Tongzhen, her face flushed, which secretly captivated me for a long time, making me fantasize that it was our engagement party.
How vibrant and energetic I was at sixteen! The night after the banquet, when we met again, I couldn't wait to hug Tongzhen back. Although my little brother once again misbehaved and pushed against her skirt, she didn't pull away when I hugged her tightly.
She was so youthful and beautiful. My first kiss with her was incredibly awkward. She was my first hug and my first kiss. I was naive enough to ask her, "Was that your first kiss too?"
She didn't answer me directly. "A girl's first kiss is usually taken by her dad."
I wasn't malicious enough back then; I didn't even realize how lecherous her dad was.
Sixteen-year-old Tongzhen was as tall as me. We'd hide in a corner where no one could see us and kiss, neither of us needing to tiptoe.
That summer, I thought, I've fallen in love for the second time. I longed to see Tongzhen every day, just once a day, and a whole day at a time would count.
I had a boyfriend in my second year of junior high, Chen Qian, Ye Ling's best friend.
Ye Ling and my families were old friends. Apparently, when we were both so young and didn't understand anything, our parents joked about becoming in-laws later. Unfortunately, the two kids, still in diapers, knew each other too early, growing up hand-in-hand without developing any romantic feelings. They just became close friends.
Chen Qian had Ye Ling give me a small note with a simple message: "Can we be friends?"
In the high school campuses of the last century, the word "love" was mostly hidden deep within, difficult to see with the eyes. Unfortunately, the moment I saw this note, I knew it was a love letter. Full of anticipation, I asked Ye Ling if Chen Qian was pretty. Ye Ling said, "I only help deliver messages, I'm not responsible for advertising. If you want to know, treat me to ice cream on Sunday, and I'll introduce her to you."
When I met her, I thought Chen Qian was alright; she had long, narrow eyes, a delicate nose, and a refined face. And so, I had my first girlfriend. The three of us often ate beef noodles together at a small restaurant and ice cream at a cone shop. Occasionally, we'd go to the movies together. Chen Qian would sit between Ye Ling and me, and during the movie, I'd sneakily squeeze her hand.
For two whole years, I held my first girlfriend's hand no more than ten times. Once, I even held the wrong hand in a dark movie theater. Being inexperienced, I couldn't distinguish the different hands of different girls. I tried to hold Chen Qian's hand but ended up holding Ye Ling's. After the movie, as we walked out the door, Ye Ling, with a tense expression, kicked me in the shin. I remember it vividly; the pain made me limp for half a month.
Four days after kissing Tong Zhen, I shyly told Ye Ling that I had changed my mind.
Apparently, when Chen Qian received this news, Ye Ling casually brushed it off with "crying terribly," and then very clearly and rationally told me, "Ding Ding, don't be so smug. Chen Qian is crying for her first love, not because you're so great.
" [Part Two]
A week after kissing Tong Zhen, I learned that she already had a boyfriend before me.
Tong Zhen was very troubled in her relationship at the time, telling me that she hoped the other person would break up with her first, rather than her initiating it. I admit that at that age, our souls were equally pure and innocent, and we felt that falling in love with someone else was a shameful thing. Unconsciously, I accepted her statement as a failure—if being late meant failure.
One day, I told Tongzhen about Chen Qian, about how I had held Chen Qian's hand, "I've only held her hand less than ten times. With you, after hugging and kissing, I suddenly felt closer to you than with her!"
Then I cautiously asked, "What about you?"
Tongzhen quietly lowered her head and didn't speak. I felt her expression was truly unsettling.
I said, "You have to be closer to me than to him, otherwise I won't worry anymore. I... will take the initiative. When you feel you've crossed the line with him, push me away forcefully."
That day was at my house. My parents were at work, and I locked my bedroom door, leaving the table covered with unnecessary textbooks and homework. I hugged and kissed her for a while, then secretly slipped my hand under her clothes. Even though it was summer, the skin on her waist was cool and refreshing.
My heart pounded, and so did hers.
Tongzhen was wearing a thin, short cotton bra without any underwire or lace. Through the bra, I could feel her tiny nipples. Her head was always buried in my shoulder. I touched her well-developed breasts, feeling a chill run down my spine, but she never pushed me away.
I didn't know whether to thank Tongzhen's ex-boyfriend for being mature and experienced, or to hate his despicable and shameless character. When I finally mustered the courage to slip my hand inside her bra and touch her, she remained silent, head bowed. I only understood that after that day.
I tried to lead her to my single bed, but she neither pushed me away nor followed.
I put one arm around Tongzhen's waist and used the other to unbutton her short-sleeved blouse. She remained still. I saw her blue tank top, her fair skin, and her round navel. Then I lifted the tank top with both hands. Her breasts were shaped like two inverted white porcelain bowls on her chest, with pale pink areolas and two tiny red nipples.
Her simple, beautiful body and silent submission made me forget my anger and sadness. I kissed her breast. She ran her fingers through my hair, struggled slightly, but then slowly gave up.
I tried to unbutton the brass buttons on her denim shorts, and she shook her head, slowly pushing me away.
This was the bottom line. Why was this the bottom line? I impulsively hoped to take it a step further. Then I realized that was Tongzhen's bottom line at the time. I had seen her beautiful breasts with my own eyes, clumsily kissed them a few times, and ultimately just followed in someone else's footsteps. I should have felt fortunate; she resolutely refused after so much effort, which left me somewhat frustrated.
I desperately wanted to surpass her previous boyfriend in one go, only to later learn that he was a high school student, far more experienced, wise, and older than me at sixteen.
Tongzhen left before her parents came home that day.
The desires of a teenager had been ignited by someone else, and what was worse, that person probably ignited their own desires as well, but they weren't clever enough to extinguish the fire. I remembered my cousin, who was already a legend in high school, known for having over a hundred girlfriends and a notorious reputation. Perhaps he could teach me how to grow up.
I immediately ran to my cousin, who was a junior in college, for help.
After listening to my tearful account, my shameless cousin, with a serious expression, kept asking me questions that only fueled my desire, such as the shape of Tongzhen's breasts and the color of her nipples. He even eagerly encouraged me to bring Tongzhen to see him, saying that with his skillful "training," Tongzhen would definitely learn how to extinguish my lust.
Although I'm naive, I eventually became furious.
Before I stormed out in a fit of rage, my cousin threw a DVD at me, saying, "Take your girl to watch this with you. If your dad catches you, you can't betray me, you little bastard, you gotta remember that?" It was
a legendary Category III film. A
Category III film that completely shocked my fragile and innocent heart. —When Peach Ripens.
Why this particular DVD? There are so many Category III films in the world. Later, I tried every means to find more, and I was amazed that they could portray such youthful beauty, with women even exposing their breasts in a way that gave off a sunny and healthy feeling. Apart from Li Lizhen's "When Peach Ripens," I had never seen anything like it. Was it because it was my first time that I was so shocked and moved? I can no longer know, and I still can't admit it.
That night I watched it at least three times, and the next
day I dragged Tongzhen to watch it again. Her face was beautifully flushed. We sat side by side on the bed. I was well-behaved for only ten minutes before she stared blankly at the TV screen. I quietly lifted her shirt again. She said she didn't know when I unbuttoned the brass clasp on her waist. When I pushed her down, she was shocked for a second.
I swear it was only a brief second. Before that, I hadn't even formally said "I love you." She just closed her eyes haphazardly and tacitly allowed me to take off her denim shorts.
She was wearing white underwear with a small bow at the top.
When I touched that bow, Tongzhen's lower abdomen trembled violently, and she suddenly told me, "Dingyi, I can't be your girlfriend. But... I can be your friend."
I didn't understand; perhaps my brain was completely consumed by desire.
I quickly pulled off her white underwear. I was stunned, breathless, not knowing whether to touch her with my hands or kiss her first. Then I realized I should have pinned her down. "I want her" was just a vague concept; I didn't understand how. I moved around on top of her, my little brother painfully hard, slipping away whenever I touched her. After
nearly ten minutes of this torment, even Tongzhen couldn't bear to watch anymore. She quietly picked me up and inserted me, and I entered her.
Actually, she wasn't very experienced then either, but she had tasted the forbidden fruit earlier than me. When I moved too vigorously, she was afraid of the pain and whispered, begging me to be gentler.
In the seventy-four-minute film, "Peach Ripening," I climbed on top of Tongzhen three times by the end. That day was the day I lost my virginity, but for some reason, I didn't feel heartbroken at all.
When I tried to climb on her a fourth time, Tongzhen refused, "It really hurts down there. Also, your parents are about to get off work. I
'll come back tomorrow." I then remembered that I should tell her, "Zhenzhen, I love you."
She paused, gently stroking my hair, "Don't blame me, Dingyi. I already have a boyfriend. I've thought about it for a long time, but I don't know how to tell him to break up."
That summer, she was so innocent.
Naively believing that such a good thing—a win-win situation—truly existed.
But she was genuinely naive then.
At least she dared to admit it to her face: Ding Yi, a girl with a pure heart cannot hold two boyfriends at the same time.
[Chapter 3]
A school beauty is a school beauty wherever she goes. On the day the new students registered after summer vacation, Tong Zhen, in her white shirt and blue skirt, walked into the gates of Qingshui No. 1 High School for the first time, stunning all the boys who saw her.
Unfortunately, she was always walking side-by-side with her boyfriend, who had just entered his third year, smiling sweetly at him. Ye Ling, who went to school with me to register, saw this scene and mocked me, saying, "Ding Ding, I thought you really made friends with the school beauty, but it turns out you were just bragging."
That's right, "making friends"—Tong Zhen had said those three words to me countless times during the summer vacation.
I dragged Ye Ling along to catch up with the couple ahead, defiantly calling her by her nickname, "Zhenzhen!"
Tongzhen and the high school boy turned around simultaneously. The boy was a head taller than me, his new Adidas tracksuit making him look healthy and handsome. At the time, I was only 1.65 meters tall, spending my days swimming in the river and playing ball under the scorching sun, my skin tanned a deep charcoal. Perhaps I could be considered healthy, but I was a far cry from the legendary handsome and cool… a million miles away.
That bastard made me feel utterly ashamed.
Tongzhen introduced us to each other: "My junior high classmates Ding Yi and Ye Ling; my… friend, Yang Guang."
Was she proud at that moment? Or was she truly proud, actually linking arms with him in front of everyone? Yang Guang chuckled at me. "You're the Ding Yi who almost drowned? You're lucky to be alive, kid. Welcome to Qingshui No. 1 High School."
Ye Ling tugged at my sleeve. "Let's go."
I didn't know what had angered me. Was it Yang Guang's good looks, or his arrogant attitude that made the school seem like his own?
I said, "Zhenzhen, your boyfriend is really tall, but I bet I can beat him up in a minute."
This was clearly a case of being humiliated and trying to start a fight. Ye Ling, who happened to be watching, jumped up and started punching and kicking me. Damn it, I was confident I could beat that tall, handsome guy named Yang Guang, but I couldn't withstand Ye Ling's invincible, deadly kick. I staggered back more than ten steps before finally begging for mercy.
Men are truly no match for women! After finishing my shift and returning home with shoe prints all over my chest, my heart was filled with frustration and pain.
My cousin's school started later than ours, so I went to him for help.
He gave me a shameless laugh, "You're only sixteen this year, you're still a long way from being a man. Don't rush to compete for the title of 'boyfriend.' You've really won, little brother. If that Yang Guang finds out his girlfriend slept with you, he'll have nowhere to cry. Hmm, in the current situation, you've won!"
Had I really won? I couldn't convince myself of this excuse. My cousin
asked me with disdain, "If she agreed to be your girlfriend, and you truly treated her as your girlfriend, but she still slept with Yang Guang, how would you feel?"
Perhaps ultimately defeated by my cousin's words, that year, my life lost its direction. I grew up in immense hardship, learning to smoke and drink heavily. Before summer vacation, I was a model student, but I became a foolish and dangerous individual, constantly causing trouble and fighting on campus.
I still brazenly called her Zhenzhen, whenever I saw her.
I would rush up to her when she was walking home alone from school and force her to make an appointment to sleep with me again, while simultaneously sleeping with every girl I could find.
One day, I even found Chen Qian.
The first time I stopped Chen Qian at school, she panicked, nervously twisting her fingers together, afraid to look me in the eye.
I asked her, "Do you have a new boyfriend?"
She shook her head. I said, "When you get a new boyfriend, I'll treat you to another ice cream cone."
A few days later, I stopped Chen Qian again and asked her. She whispered a boy's name, which I overheard. Because I was so distracted, I didn't even really hear if it was two or three words. I grabbed her hand and left. I remember that the ice cream shop was bustling with people that day. The entire ice cream cone in her hand melted completely, but she didn't actually take a bite.
Two days later, in the afternoon, when no one was home, I took Chen Qian home.
That movie, *Ripe Peach*, had become my foreplay for sleeping with all the girls. I could tell what Li Lizhen was doing on screen with my eyes closed. She was terrified when I unbuttoned Chen Qian's school uniform; she was terrified when I lifted her bra; she was terrified when I finally pushed her onto the bed.
But all these steps had become second nature to me. I was no longer the guy who would hide in a dark movie theater, secretly pinch her hand a couple of times, and think he was in love.
I whispered sweet nothings in Chen Qian's ear to relax her, skillfully teasing her sensitive areas, carefully observing the subtle reactions in her expression, until her face changed from pale to slightly red, her breasts went from soft to full, her nipples hardened little by little, and her tender white legs were covered in a muddy mess.
"Just close your eyes tightly, and you won't be afraid of the pain,"
Chen Qian obediently said. And I, having truly honed my skills to become the legendary virgin killer, watched as the red blood dripped from between her legs onto the sheet stained with her virgin blood. She opened her mouth, gasped for breath, and was quickly subdued by my kisses.
It's best to only deflower a virgin once, otherwise, it will be incredibly difficult to arrange another date.
I tried to shorten the time, quickly coaxing myself to ejaculate. For the remaining time, I gently held Chen Qian, whose virginity had just been taken, and whispered sweet nothings to her. I repeatedly kissed her hair, her earlobes, and her fearful, vulnerable chest, softly speaking sweet words until the tears in her eyes dried, and finally, a faint smile appeared on her face.
Before Chen Qian left my house, I whispered to her, "You won. If I were still your boyfriend, but secretly slept with another girl, how would you feel? When you see Tong Zhenzhen again, there's no need to lower your head and walk away. Just look directly at her. You've unknowingly used her."
Chen Qian had almost forgotten about losing her virginity, a major event in her life, after I coaxed her. But when we reached my door, she suddenly turned back and said, "Ding Yi, I will never feel like I won." She
sobbed uncontrollably.
After Chen Qian left, I leaned against the security door for a long time, lost in thought. I thought Chen Qian was really stupid, just like me, unable to convince herself even with such a sweet excuse.
I never had a steady girlfriend. I knew very well that any girl I was close enough to sleep with was just a friend.
[Part Four]
Yet I still stumbled and grew to eighteen.
This is the truth of life as I know it: if you don't face and overcome your own immaturity, you will be increasingly troubled by it until you understand this truth every single day.
In 1996, my high school life was nearing its end. Before leaving the school, I sat chatting with a group of like-minded friends on the lawn of the school stadium. I lazily asked, "Do you guys think there are any virgins left within the walls of this entire Qingshui No. 1 High School?"
Lin Feng said, "Yes, there will be some when school starts next semester."
I laughed loudly, "That doesn't count, I'm asking about the current situation."
Gao Jun shouted, "You've missed someone, Ye Ling, I dare say she's definitely still a virgin!"
Ye Ling wasn't ugly, she was even quite beautiful. She had a pair of clear, bright eyes, a small, shiny black ponytail, and her legs were incredibly long and slender in jeans, straight and shapely, making many girls secretly jealous. Even when she was fierce, she had a captivating charm; if she kicked you in the leg, you would feel a sweet sensation first, and then you would feel the pain.
I remained silent for a long time, covering my eyes with the long brim of my hat. After finishing the first year of high school, Ye Ling completely stopped talking to me. With so many girls I could sleep with as friends, the lack of a friend with whom I had a purely platonic relationship—one I would never even consider sleeping with—was something I never really considered significant.
Sometimes, I secretly wondered what kind of boyfriend Ye Ling would have.
At eighteen, I was nearly 1.8 meters tall, and my clothes were always from well-known trendy brands; I was arguably somewhat handsome, but I knew Ye Ling would never like someone like me.
Later, Ye Ling's aversion and disgust towards me was clearly visible in her eyes. Several times, when I tried to forcefully speak to her, she wouldn't even kick me, only quickly taking a step back and coldly ignoring me.
Suddenly mentioning Ye Ling's name excited those bastards, who started speculating about her measurements, bra colors, and even her menstrual cycle and masturbation schedule.
For some reason, this simplistic banter between a group of teenagers inexplicably annoyed me.
They had all been kicked by Ye Ling, yet none of them showed any remorse, instead taking pride in being kicked repeatedly. If I didn't know how much pain Ye Ling's kicks caused, I'm sure these spittle-wielding bastards would seek out more opportunities to be kicked every day.
Seeing that I was pretending not to hear, Gao Jun couldn't help but ask, "Ding Yi, it seems she never kicks you. How about we make a bet? If you dare to ask her directly if she's ever masturbated, I'll treat everyone to drinks at the most expensive restaurant in Qingshui for half a month."
Ye Ling used to kick me all the time. She'd kick me if I couldn't win an ice cream cone, if I pretended not to answer when she asked about my homework, if I accidentally held the wrong hand at the movies, and even if I was jealous and wanted to fight someone.
But she hasn't kicked me in a long time, and I'm too lazy to tell others about it, because even just thinking about it secretly makes me feel frustrated.
Lin Feng egged him on, "Ding Yi, you really dare to ask that? Gao Jun will treat me to drinks for another half month, and then until graduation, everyone'll have drinks every day!"
I usually got along well with this group of people. My tennis cap was pulled down over my face, so they couldn't see my expression. If anyone had seen it, I'm absolutely certain that no one would have dared to bring up this topic again.
Jiang Yong, whose family owned several restaurants, was excited by the offer. Perhaps seeing that I hadn't responded for a while, he couldn't help but volunteer and shout, "If you two are willing to treat me to drinks at my family's restaurants for a month straight, I'll risk a limp and ask Ye Ling to her face!"
Seven or eight bastards immediately jumped up. I silently followed at the back of the group. Later, they recalled that my face was ice-cold that day.
It was close to the time when school would let out in the afternoon. I waited in front of the school gate for a short while before the school bell rang. Jiang Yong pretended to ask if anyone had knee and shin pads, and then asked to borrow a few shirts to tie around his body beforehand. I watched coldly the whole time, not even understanding why I didn't stop him.
Ye Ling walked towards us from a distance, weaving through the crowd.
Gao Jun shoved him, and Jiang Yong jumped forward: "Ye Ling, may I ask if you have ever...?"
Ye Ling must not have heard me clearly; she even frowned slightly, as if wondering what those two words that Jiang Yong uttered so quickly were. I pounced on Jiang Yong from behind and kicked him in the back, sending him flying. Before Jiang Yong could recover and start cursing, I kicked him twice more. He let out two low whimpers and lay on the ground, convulsing.
I knew how hard I had kicked him. But I thought, the physical pain Jiang Yong felt was nothing compared to the pain in my heart.
I turned away, my face blank.
With a loud thud, my back jolted violently, and I stumbled forward two steps. As I turned, Ye Ling kicked me in the chest again.
I gritted my teeth and didn't back down, a strange sweetness rising in my heart before the pain returned.
Ye Ling's kicking skills were still excellent. I stood there like a wooden stake, motionless, enduring three kicks per set, four in a row, twelve kicks in total. The pleasure I received outweighed the pain.
Then I saw Ye Ling cry.
The sunset reflecting Ye Ling's glistening tears was truly beautiful; I had never seen such a sight before, making me feel as if I had instantly flown to heaven.
I went forward to grab her hand, but she couldn't shake me off. "What are you doing?"
I grabbed her and ran. "I'm going to buy you an ice cream cone."
Ye Ling struggled and shouted that she didn't want to go, but she was only about 1.6 meters tall and weighed only 50 kilograms, completely unable to control herself, stumbling and falling as I pulled her. That evening became another legend in my life. A heartless teenager named Ding snatched a young girl in broad daylight, abducting her in broad daylight. The incident not only alarmed the police but also my parents.
I didn't let go of Ye Ling's hand until we reached a roadside ice cream shop.
After queuing at the counter, I handed the ice cream to the still-shaken Ye Ling. She seemed stunned; I finished my ice cream while she didn't touch it. I opened my mouth to bite the one in her hand, just like before, and she snapped out of it, stuffing the whole thing into my mouth. "This one doesn't count as a treat, let's go buy another one."
Finally, it was like before, when even if I accidentally touched her hand, she would kick me hard.
I laughed, feeling both satisfied and pained. "Ye Ling, I want to ask you something!"
"Go ahead!"
I asked her, "Do you actually have a boyfriend? Or, do you actually want to have a boyfriend?"
Ye Ling said, "Of course not! Of course not! Why are you suddenly asking this? Do you want to get kicked?"
Eighteen-year-old Ye Ling should be mature enough, but she still doesn't have a boyfriend, and she says with such confidence, of course not, of course not!
This answer made me secretly a little deflated. "Once you've picked a boyfriend, I'll treat you to ice cream cones every day. Hurry up and find one."
Chapter [5]
Back in the summer of 1994, Tong Zhen's boyfriend, Yang Guang, went to a university in another province. After Yang Guang left Qingshui for the start of the semester, I held the naked Tong Zhen in my arms and whispered awkwardly, "Ding Yi still loves Zhenzhen.
She has always been so beautiful in my eyes, making me secretly want to possess her, not use her."
Tongzhen said, "You're so silly, isn't it... good enough for us like this?"
Finally, I stopped forcing it, wanting only to endlessly hold her and make love. We were both so skilled; I was already a veteran, and she was used to it.
After the 1996 college entrance exam, I waited outside the exam hall for Ye Ling to finish. I had promised her I'd take her for ice cream right after the exam. My studies had deteriorated to the point where I wasn't eligible to take the exam. During those three years at Qingshui No. 1 High School, I always felt lost, like a stranger.
Perhaps Tongzhen still retained some kind of innocence back then. She walked out of the exam hall before Ye Ling, saw me waiting at the door, smiled brightly at me, stepped forward and took my arm. "I really didn't expect you to wait for me."
Another scene unfolded in front of everyone, this time a beautiful girl pulled me along the street, excitedly shouting as we ran, "Ding Yi, I feel like I did really well on the exam. But seeing you after coming out of the exam hall feels even better."
I have to admit, the moment Tong Zhen took my arm, I suddenly felt like I was sixteen again. She suddenly pounced on me with a cry, her innocent and full-blown girlish emotions instantly captivating me. In the blink of an eye, I forgot the promise I had made to Ye Ling, and for an entire afternoon, I held Tong Zhen, tears streaming down my face.
My family has moved two or three times, and my bedroom is now bigger and brighter.
But the single bed remains the same; I can't bear to part with it.
Do you remember this bed? Do you remember the ripe peaches of the past? Do you remember the first time you hugged me, when I was at a loss, and my little brother pushed against your skirt?
I knew these words were foolish, but I said them all.
Tongzhen rubbed her breast against my lips, my tears wetting her beautiful chest. I kissed her again, my mouth tasting faintly salty.
I pulled a box from under the bed, filled with old trophies and countless volumes of my youthful honors. "This is me before I was sixteen," I said, "all turned to dust by your simple hug. Zhenzhen, I still don't understand, what kind of person do you want me to be to satisfy you?"
Tongzhen said, "Dingyi, I've always liked you like a child, even... even after I get married, if you want me, I'll still secretly see you."
Without exception, we started making love again.
Tongzhen moaned beneath me, her body languid and sexy, her breath intoxicating and pleasurable. "You know, Dingyi, the number of times I've made love with Yang Guang is less than a tenth of the number I've made with you."
She was clearly emphasizing again that she was someone else's girlfriend. These past three years, no matter how many times, were nothing more than stolen moments of pleasure.
I hoisted her legs onto my shoulders, teasing and ravaging her while simultaneously raping and abusing her. We
only had about a tenth of the number of times we made love, and even the level of pleasure I felt at orgasm was only a tenth of mine. I knew her body almost as well as she knew herself; if I wanted, I could bring her to ecstasy in no time. This is what Tongzhen told me after each of her orgasms.
The only punishment I could give her was to slow down her orgasm, at which point she would plead desperately, like a pitiful little wife.
Tongzhen's breasts hung upside down on her chest, even more delicate and vibrant than when she was sixteen. I pinched her nipples hard with my fingertips, resenting that they remained so pink and bright red, unlike some girls whose nipples turned brown even after they became virgins. And her cleft genitals, white, exquisite, and clean, the flowing fluids even tasted sweet to the touch.
This was natural beauty. I had tasted such breasts myself, such pure and sweet lips and petals. Compared to Tongzhen, other girls paled in comparison.
Tongzhen had reached two-thirds of her climax; in the remaining third, her posture and expression would be even more beautiful. I gradually reduced the frequency and force of my thrusts. She murmured pleadingly, "Give it to me! Hurry!"
I asked her, "You actually like me, you enjoy making love with me, and you'd even want to be with me for life, so why haven't you ever considered being my girlfriend?"
Tongzhen murmured, "Dingyi, you're cute and playful like a child. Yang Guang... he gives me a mature and safe feeling. I want to have a pure and innocent companion to play with happily, and I also want a love that makes me feel calm and at ease. It's not that you're not good enough, it's that you're too childish."
How could I blame her? She liked me, she wanted me, she just didn't want to have me. Because I wasn't good enough, not good enough for her to fall in love with.
I think I was born lacking a quality called composure.
I don't know if it was anger or frustration, but I frantically ravaged the panting Tongzhen, sending her soaring to the heavens. Before she could fly away, I pulled her back. The pubic hair on her lower abdomen was always sparse. Tongzhen said bitterly, "I tore it all off when I was playing a prank."
That wasn't a prank, but rather a reflection of the depression and sorrow that filled my adolescence.
So I said that Tongzhen still retained a certain innocence back then. That year, we were both so childish, so naive that we foolishly thought a child would never grow up.
After making love, Tongzhen went to take a shower. For the umpteenth time, I leaned against the frosted glass door of the bathroom, watching her beautiful naked body turn pink and white from the warm water, and couldn't help but feel a pang of heartache. "Zhenzhen, when will you stop being so beautiful?"
She chuckled unguardedly, "Isn't it good to always be this beautiful? You'll always like me, and every time you see me, you'll want to pull me into bed."
Actually, it wasn't like that. She would always be this beautiful. How could I ever forget her?
The doorbell suddenly rang. I lazily went to open the door. I wasn't even afraid of my parents seeing who I brought home. Since the doorbell had rung, who came was even less important. Besides, I had always vainly believed that being caught by my friends having a close relationship with Tongzhen was a kind of comforting satisfaction.
I opened the door, and there was Ye Ling. She kicked me hard, "You pighead, you said you'd wait for me, why didn't you come?"
Tong Zhen recognized Ye Ling's voice, opened the door, and slowly walked out of the bathroom with a sweet smile on her face. "Hi, how did the exam go?"
She wrung out her wet hair with a towel, her expression as composed as my girlfriend's.
Ye Ling said "Oh," and "It was... alright!"
I secretly observed Ye Ling's reaction and, seeing that she was perfectly normal, I immediately felt relieved. "Zhenzhen, hurry up and change your clothes. Tonight, we're treating you to a private room at the Mingdu Hotel to celebrate your good luck on the college entrance exam."
Ye Ling asked, "Am I a third wheel?"
Tong Zhen smiled gently, "Ye Ling, you're Ding Yi's best friend. Even if he doesn't invite me, he won't abandon you."
Tong Zhen was right. I had booked the private room at the restaurant long ago, but not for Tong Zhen. I was so silly at that age.
Chapter 6:
Tong Zhen went to the out-of-province university where Yang Guang studied, while Ye Ling went to the sports academy in our province.
Before Ye Ling left, I booked a room for her farewell dinner. This time, Tong Zhen wasn't there; she had left Qingshui two or three days earlier. I came back from Yangguang to pick her up. We only managed two secret phone calls, which left me feeling quite disheartened.
Ye Ling noticed the dejection in my expression and asked, "You've already seen your girlfriend off?"
I shook my head. "I don't have a girlfriend."
Ye Ling immediately became dissatisfied. "That's just how you are. You always treat others like toys. You don't care for a simple girl like Chen Qian. You don't cherish Tong Zhen, who is so beautiful and generous. What kind of girl can finally settle your heart?"
I said dejectedly, "I'm not good enough for the ones I want. And the ones I don't want... how could I love her if I didn't want her?"
Ye Ling was extremely surprised. "You actually think she's not good enough for you? You actually have some self-awareness... Who is she?"
I'm extremely vain, and my vanity seems especially strong in front of Ye Ling. How could I have the courage to say Tong Zhen's name? How could I have the face to admit that I'm just someone else's toy?
Being alone with Ye Ling made me feel comfortable, so I started drinking large glasses of wine, quickly getting myself completely drunk. "A beautiful woman, graceful and elegant, a chance encounter... utterly defeated!"
I rambled on, my drunken ramblings stretching to the horizon.
Staggering out of the private room, Ye Ling, full of resentment, grabbed my ear and yelled, "You said you were giving me a farewell dinner, but you were just using it as an excuse to drink!" Lost in my own world,
I cried, "Lingling, can you kick me a few times? My heart is killing me!"
Ye Ling shouted, "Don't call me Lingling anymore! That was my name before I was ten!"
The cool night breeze of late August couldn't dispel the lingering effects of the alcohol in my chest. I stood there foolishly, gripping the roadside railing and laughing hysterically. "Why can't I call you that? No matter what others call you, I just want to call you Lingling. This name is precious to me; it reminds me of the years when I always bullied you until you cried. Lingling, tell me why... from childhood to adulthood, I've always wanted to help you find a boyfriend?"
Ye Ling started kicking me; it hurt. I said, "Really, Lingling, when you get a boyfriend, you have to let me treat you. These days, maybe only who you fall in love with makes me care more about relationships."
Ye Ling kicked me again, this time even more painful.
I started crying because of a sudden, sharp pain—it was my heart aching.
Tongzhen and Ye Ling, one a girl I longed to sleep with forever, the other a girl I never wanted to sleep with—these two people were so precious to me, and now they were both leaving.
Ye Ling rarely saw me cry, not even when I was drunk: "Dingding, aren't you being silly? So what if you missed the college entrance exam this year? If you were willing to go back to the classroom and study, it's just a tiny bit away from Hangzhou University! Repeat a year, and go to Hangzhou to find her!"
She thought I was being childish. She didn't understand that I had already wasted my entire youth.
I cried until the sky darkened. I was so damn childish! When will I ever get rid of this habit?
I don't remember how I got on the bus, how I got home, or how I got into bed. Ye Ling stayed by my side the whole time. She and I were very close childhood friends. She said that she really considered leaving me on the street that night. She had already walked quite a distance when she turned back and saw me staggering towards the fast lane. Her heart softened, and she turned around and knocked me unconscious with a few punches and kicks, then flagged down a car and took me home.
I vomited once, and I vomited once,
but I vomited twice, both of which tainted Ye Ling.
I don't remember what time I woke up in the middle of the night, my stomach churning, and I was vomiting loudly by the bedside. Ye Ling, wearing my mother's pajamas and barefoot, burst into my bedroom. I hugged her tightly and threw up against her chest. She said it was her second set of clothes, the one she wore when we ate together, which was still in our washing machine.
That night was the first time I hugged her without being kicked away.
Just as I was vomiting, I suddenly noticed that this girl's chest was also soft, her delicate breasts well-developed, heavy, round, and full. Forgetting who she was, I found myself lewdly wondering, even as I vomited, if her areolas were pink, and as beautiful as Zhenzhen's. Even
after vomiting until all the alcohol was gone, my head was still buried in her chest, nuzzling against her. Ye Ling, thinking I was still drunk and unconscious, held me tightly, unwilling to push me away, and gently patted my back. In that instant, I suddenly felt that if I were good enough to be her boyfriend, I would definitely live a very happy life.
Gradually, she felt the lewdness on my lips, and her hands suddenly parted, causing me to fall heavily to the floor.
Ye Ling almost ran away.
I pounced on her, grabbing her ankles and holding on tightly, refusing to let her go.
Ye Ling was barefoot, her calves long and beautiful. I didn't speak, stubbornly trying to kiss her. She kicked me repeatedly, her soft, white soles feeling like smooth porcelain against my face. Even when she kicked me hard twice, my head hitting the floor with a dull thud, I didn't feel any pain.
The night was quiet, the bedroom door ajar, soft light filtering into the living room. Perhaps Ye Ling was afraid of disturbing my parents, so she didn't scream or make a loud struggle. I rolled around on the floor, determined not to let go, seizing every opportunity to pounce on her calves and kiss them passionately.
She was wearing a loose-fitting nightgown, and I kissed her more and more passionately, almost burying my head inside several times. Her thighs were more beautiful and supple than her calves; the moment I reached out and touched them, my desire burned even more.
Ye Ling was really angry. She suddenly asked me, "Ding Yi, are you really drunk or awake?"
I mumbled, "I'm drunk!"
A heavy kick landed squarely on my face. My head spun, stars flashed before my eyes, and blood gushed from my nose, leaving a crimson trail on the floor. Although the bedroom wasn't brightly lit, it was still a shocking sight, even startling Ye Ling. Without hesitation, I lunged at her again, hugging her legs and kissing them.
Blood and tears streamed down her fair legs.
The tears were purely from nasal irritation, completely unrelated to my mood at the time.
Ye Ling asked again, "Are you really still drunk?"
Suddenly, the door to my parents' bedroom creaked softly. I lunged forward, quickly locking my own door, and shouted through the door, "I'm asleep! Don't knock!"
A faint rustling sound came from outside, quickly fading into silence.
[Chapter 7]
Turning on the room light, I was instantly overwhelmed with shame, unable to escape. I lowered my gaze, not daring to look at Ye Ling
. "I'm not human. You can hit me, you can scold me, but don't get angry. Being angry is fine, but don't ignore me from now on. I've already ruined myself; I never truly intended to taint you again." Ye Ling remained silent for a long time. This made me incredibly awkward. I secretly wiped the blood from my nose, finding nowhere to put it, and smeared it all on my chest. "Lingling, I swear to God, from childhood to adulthood, if I haven't truly cared for you for even a minute, may I be hit by a car and die tomorrow."
Ye Ling stubbornly pressed, "Were you drunk just now?"
I was at a loss. "Okay, Lingling, just give me a way out, pretend I was drunk, okay? I promise I'll never do this again, never dare to do such a heinous thing to my own family again." "
I'll swear endlessly: if I go out, I'll get bitten by a dog; if I go out, I'll get hit by a car; if I break my leg in my sleep; if I get struck by lightning..." I was about to continue swearing these oaths when Ye Ling said to me, "Go wash your face first, and put some ice on it."
I didn't care at all that my nose was bleeding profusely. "What's this? Let this shameless, filthy black blood flow more, as punishment for my crimes!"
Ye Ling got anxious: "Are you going or not?"
She raised her foot to kick me again, and I saw a section of her snow-white calf stained with dirt. It turned out that I had unknowingly stained her. My heart ached, and I felt so ashamed that I wanted to kill myself.
"Damn it!"
I muttered.
Ye Ling was furious: "Who are you cursing?"
I said, "Of course I'm cursing myself. You go, I have no face to live."
Whether or not I really wanted to kill myself, I'd think about that later. I opened the door and waited for her to leave.
Ye Ling came over and pushed me outside. "Go wash your face, I'll get some ice!"
Her voice was gentle. I accidentally opened my arms and pulled her into a tight embrace.
Her nightgown was stained with the remnants of my vomit, and I could feel the damp, cold patches against her skin. I wanted to kiss her, so much, but I only dared to hold her tightly, even then, I was terrified. Yet, I couldn't bear to let go.
Ye Ling threatened in a low voice, "If you don't behave, I'll call Aunt Ding!"
She was surprisingly docile, neither struggling nor biting me as I held her, which puzzled me. Was this self-inflicted injury really that effective? I was willing to let my nose bleed like this forever.
I've always been physically strong; a quick rinse of cold water over my head from the tap stopped the bleeding in two minutes. But Ye Ling, standing nearby, wasn't satisfied and complained, "You're so fragile, I really won't dare kick you again."
I quickly replied, "This good habit must never be broken. For two years you refused to kick me, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable."
Ye Ling kicked again, but very lightly, like a tiny claw tickling an itch.
I sighed, "Alcohol really ruins things. Everything's a mess today. In the future…"
Ye Ling got angry again, "Still talking?"
This time she didn't kick, but instead twisted my arm. Since I wasn't wearing a shirt, the twist hurt more than the kick.
After washing my face, I saw Ye Ling's grime on her chest, and I was covered in dirt myself. I asked her, "Should you wash first or should I?"
I was a little stunned. Reflecting on the earlier ordeal, I immediately realized I couldn't entirely blame myself for acting impulsively. She was only wearing a thin nightgown, and she wasn't even wearing a bra underneath. Anyone would make a mistake if they pounced on her, right? What's worse, with her front blouse soaked with leftover wine, the beautiful outline of her breasts was so striking that even if she kicked her a hundred times, it wouldn't be an escape from anyone's eye!
Ye Ling blushed and pinched me hard.
This girl is practically family to me; I can't let my dirty thoughts defile her! I shook my head, but the head only got hotter, and I blurted out, "Going back to before kindergarten, I think we bathed together, didn't we?"
Suddenly realizing what was happening, I awkwardly added, "Either your mom or my mom bathed us, like a brother and sister."
She clearly wanted to pinch me again, but her hand suddenly went limp. She stared blankly for a moment, then asked in a low voice, "Aunt Ding is asleep. What should I change into?"
I said, "Wear my shirt. I even wore your skirt back then."
Actually, after so much time had passed since my childhood, I had no memory of it at all. It was all just adults repeating it in my ears, as if there really was such a pure time that witnessed my childhood sweetheart relationship with Ye Ling.
I went to find some clothes for Ye Ling, and besides a shirt and shorts, I also unpacked a brand new pair of underwear for her. Ye Ling paused for a second after taking the underwear, then grabbed it and rushed into the bathroom. It seems my wild imagination was right; I had soiled her underwear.
When I finished showering and came out, Ye Ling had already mopped the bedroom clean. She was wearing my shirt, the hem almost reaching her knees. I shamelessly began to imagine what kind of incredibly beautiful, smooth, and long legs were hidden under that long shirt.
We glanced at each other, a sudden tension gripping us.
I whispered, "Go to sleep."
Watching Ye Ling slowly walk out the door, a wave of sorrow washed over me. I called softly, "Lingling, wait!"
Ye Ling turned around and asked, "What else do you want to say?"
I gazed bitterly at Ye Ling's familiar silhouette and face, my nose stinging, almost choking back tears. "Lingling, if I could go back to sixteen, I wouldn't want anyone else in this life, really."
Ye Ling asked, puzzled, "No one else?"
I nodded solemnly, "No one else! Go to sleep!"
Then, I gently closed the door.
That night, I thought about many things. I stared wide-eyed at the ceiling, trying to see beyond the higher ceiling. I suddenly realized that Ye Ling actually cared about me a lot, or rather, she had always secretly cherished us both, just like I had. I don't know if this was love for her, but compared to the childlike innocence that had always been so important to me, that innocence suddenly seemed to lose miserably.
I had never realized this before. Was it because I had never compared Ye Ling to anyone else?
My sixteen-year-old self will never return. I suddenly felt like I had grown up overnight. Looking back at those things that were long gone—those I had loved, or those I hadn't, those I was confused about, or those I thought I understood—everything seemed so childish and laughable.
The next day at noon, Dad booked a room at a restaurant. Our whole family saw Ye Ling off, and Ye Ling's father was also at the table. My mom kept nagging, bringing up old stories again during the meal, about how young Ye Ling and I were back then, when Ye's mother was still alive. They joked about how their families had become one.
I said to my mom, "Dear Mom, I'm over eighteen. I don't even blush when I hear things like that!"
Ye's father remained silent, only clinking glasses with my dad. Men are more dignified, keeping such absurd life moments to themselves.
I looked at Ye Ling across the table; she pretended to be eating, as if she hadn't heard anything.
Chapter 8:
After they all left, I lay in bed for half a month. I didn't listen to my dad and go back to school. For the first time, I talked to him about my ideals without much impulsiveness, and finally, with my mom's encouragement, I got his support.
The "Xi'an Fangcao" KTV club, a joint venture between Gao Jun and me, was touted as the largest and most upscale design club in Qingshui District. It opened at the end of 1996, and we recouped our costs in 1997. In 1998 and 1999, it expanded rapidly, opening four chain stores of the same size.
In 2000, I turned twenty-three, and after deducting my family's share, my personal wealth exceeded ten million.
Strangely, over those four years, I became reluctant to join the hustle and bustle of crowds, preferring to walk quietly along the Qingshui River in my free time. I often walked alone, suddenly remembering the splashing waves of the Qingshui River in summer, and recalling the year when the rapids of this river almost drowned a boy named Ding Yi.
I still wasn't clear about my future.
Ye Ling was doing well, but unfortunately, I wasted my youth. During her first summer vacation in college, she came back and told me she had a new boyfriend—gentle, polite, handsome, and kind. I was overjoyed for her and sincerely congratulated her, even arrogantly telling her to bring Qingshui back so I could get that guy drunk.
But later, every time I asked her, she would just smile and refuse to mention it again.
During Tongzhen's vacation, we still went to bed together for trysts, and I was still just as infatuated with her. Every summer after the students left, I would secretly wonder if Tongzhen would still think I was childish.
In June of 2000, Tongzhen returned.
I picked her up from the station. Four years of college hadn't changed her beauty, nor had it changed the utter frustration she brought me. I was wearing a formal suit in the June weather, and the first thing she said when she saw me was, "Dingyi, you haven't changed a bit."
I could only smile bitterly; I was completely helpless.
After dinner, we went to a hotel as usual. She was completely naked on the large, white sheet, so white it was almost impossible to tell if it was her body or the sheet. Tongzhen propped herself up on her elbows and kissed me. Her breasts were perfectly preserved, which annoyed me. "When will you become ugly?"
Tongzhen asked me happily. "Why do you keep cursing me to become ugly?"
I said, "If I become ugly, I won't care about you anymore."
She twisted her body to prevent me from biting her nipple. "How much do you care about her?"
How much did I care about her? Was all that I had wasted enough? These kinds of words are clearly childish, and I've learned not to say them to anyone. "Three years! Maybe it's not that special or rare. When it flew by, I didn't even realize it,"
Tongzhen chuckled softly. "So many pretty girls liked you and stayed with you. You lived a carefree life, so of course time seemed to fly by. Hey... it's been seven years since you were sixteen, hasn't it?"
The word "girl" startled me. I couldn't remember when I stopped using that term when discussing girls with people. I grabbed Tongzhen and kissed her passionately, thinking to myself, "Tongzhen, your breasts were really well-developed when you were sixteen."
I said three years, she said seven—it was a conceptual illusion. I only wasted three years. In the four years since they left, I've lived rationally and with a clear mind. I even know what I'm trying to achieve.
Tongzhen was quickly aroused. When I lowered my head to kiss between her legs, her thigh muscles spasmed for a moment, and she had her first small orgasm. Her scent was as crisp as ever, her thighs soft and smooth, now appearing slightly thicker, yet her lips remained pristine.
She murmured softly, cupping my head in her hands, wanting me to mount her.
She didn't know that for the past four years, I had kissed her, and even penetrated her.
This was a girl I cherished deeply.
No matter how luxurious the karaoke bar's decor or how high-end its facilities, at its core, it's a den of iniquity. I never lacked women in my bed. Yes, even if she was under eighteen, once she entered the circle I controlled, without exception, she was a woman, not a girl. No matter how alluring those girls' bodies were, I only ever had sex with her, never with any tender infatuation.
"Ding Yi, you always like to tease me, and… like a little child!"
Tongzhen's thighs trembled slightly, occasionally snapping shut before slowly opening again.
The word "little child" startled me. In her presence, would I never grow up? This was a question that had always troubled me. Being a child gave her unbridled pleasure, but it didn't allow her to love wholeheartedly.
In her haste, she began to exert force, twisting her body wildly as she pulled me upwards. I had kissed her navel; even its shallow depths were beautiful. She pulled again, her hands slipping under my armpits. I buried my head deep in her chest, inhaling her sweet, delicate fragrance. Was this the scent of my memories, or was she always so fragrant?
"Ding Yi... come on up."
I pressed myself against her, suddenly noticing her meticulously groomed eyebrows. I ran my finger across them, then across her nose and her lips, lightly adorned with lipstick. Two years ago, she started using cosmetics. I had always wanted to say that cosmetics concealed her jade-like complexion, but watching her carefully work on herself in front of the mirror, I couldn't tell if I was doing it right or wrong.
Perhaps it was because I hadn't truly grown up, naively believing that women couldn't be beautiful with makeup. Therefore, although I felt a pang of regret, I had always felt ashamed to speak up.
"Zhenzhen..."
I called softly.
Tongzhen's eyes were hazy. She wrapped her arms around me, her tongue half-extruded as she kissed me. The faint taste of her lipstick stung me. I finally said, "Next time... if we meet, could you not wear makeup?"
Tongzhen said, "Dingyi, you're so mean. You just want me to become ugly so you can fall for someone else, right?"
She used the word "fall for someone else." Did she always know I loved her? But for the past seven years, our meetings have always been about sex, sex, sex. We've never gone shopping together, never lingered to admire the scenery, never held hands and strolled leisurely under the lovers' sky.
Two years ago, I went to Hangzhou specifically to see her. I really wanted her to take me around West Lake, to hear the evening bell at Nanping Hill, or even just to find a quiet corner in Wulin Square and sit for a while. But when we met, we spent three whole days hiding in a hotel room, making love until we were exhausted, then waking up and continuing. After three days, Hangzhou still felt distant and unfamiliar to me, as if I had never been there at all.
After that, she would occasionally invite me over on the phone, and I would say, "Zhenzhen, I'm...very busy lately."
I'm such an idiot, knowing how to have affairs from a young age, but not how to be romantic.
I lifted her innocent legs, placed them on my shoulders, squeezed her buttocks, and teased her pubic hair, wanting to pluck them all out and make her feel the pain with me.
But then she grabbed my hand, guiding my penis all the way in. The warm, slippery fluid made my bones melt, and I made love to her.
She had many orgasms, her soft moans ecstatic. For a moment, her whole body went limp, and she whispered beneath me, "Dingyi, I love you so much."
There's a fundamental difference between "love you to death" and "love you." I'm a high-quality toy, durable, still like new after seven years, and my attraction to her has never diminished.
Damn it!
Text [Nine]
In mid-July of 2000, I often bumped into former classmates on Qingshui Street. Gao Jun suggested we get together sometime. I really don't know where his enthusiasm came from. I always felt that I was just a passerby during those three years of high school. The word "classmate" they used seemed so distant. Did I really study, or even listen attentively to a single class?
I couldn't even remember my teachers, even though they all seemed to remember me.
One day, the front desk manager of the Dongcheng branch called me, saying that a customer claimed to be one of my high school teachers and asked for a discount. I said on the phone, "Please tell that customer that your poor Mr. Ding never went to high school, not even for a day. Trying to swindle people by claiming to be a teacher won't work."
I didn't know who I should hate. Maybe it had nothing to do with those "engineers of the soul," but I clearly felt resentment. Since I was avoiding hating myself, I could only take it out on them.
Ye Ling also returned to Qingshui.
I took her to an ice cream shop. My stomach had been acting up, and I was finding it increasingly difficult to finish a whole ice cream cone. Watching the cone disappear around her lips, I felt a sense of peace.
She wasn't wearing makeup; her hair was styled in a single, shiny black ponytail, faded jeans, and a light-colored shirt with a subtle floral pattern.
And then there was that pure, clean white in her eyes. Was she still a virgin, the last one from Qingshui High School? The thought wasn't dirty at all; I even found it incredibly pure and sweet. I remembered her talking about boyfriends—would she kick him if he held her hand?
I suddenly couldn't help but laugh.
Ye Ling asked, "What's wrong? Why do you look so strange?"
"Oh, I just remembered something funny,"
she pressed me, and I, feeling perfectly at ease, blurted it out. She wasn't young anymore; if she was still nervous about holding hands, it would be hard not to be laughed at. Ye Ling answered me confidently, "So what if he's my boyfriend? I'll kick him even before he becomes my husband."
I blurted out, "Damn it! You were the last virgin in high school, and now you've become the last virgin in college! Lingling, you're amazing!"
I burst out laughing.
My voice was so loud that the young boys and girls around us all looked over. Ye Ling kicked me repeatedly across the table, and I quickly begged for mercy, "Lingling, you forgot, I'm not good at hitting people."
Ye Ling raised her hand to pinch my mouth, but just as she touched my cheek, she paused slightly, quickly withdrew her hand, and her face suddenly turned bright red.
Shamelessly bringing up the scene of me getting drunk that night made me feel extremely guilty. She was like my own sister, and I shouldn't have been so shameless as to try to desecrate even the purest kinship in the world.
"By the way, Lingling, are you planning to stay in Qingshui, or just come back for a short while?"
Ye Ling asked. "Qingshui is my home."
I was overjoyed. "Hmm, don't be like others who only aim higher. Actually, staying in Qingshui for life isn't bad. Find a job you like and live a relaxed life. Leave the work of earning money to support the family to your boyfriend. Don't tire or bother you; he'll always treat you like a little princess."
Ye Ling smiled simply: "Where can you find a boyfriend like that?"
Her smile was so innocent that I wanted to reach out and pinch her nose, but I was afraid she would kick me, and I'd end up rubbing my own nose instead. "Didn't you get a boyfriend, and he agreed to let you stay in Qingshui?"

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