If you can't have love, steal it.

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-23

Preface:
When I was a student, life always felt slow and oppressive. I worried about when I would grow up, when I could live the life I wanted freely, and when I could wholeheartedly pursue the people I loved and do the things I enjoyed. As I've grown older,
time seems to fly by. It feels like just yesterday I was almost thirty. None of my childhood dreams have come true. I should be heartbroken, but I just drift through each day in a daze. Perhaps my heart shattered piece by piece during those years, broken as I stabbed myself with my own hands. I liked several girls when I was young,
but when I heard the news of their marriages, I felt nothing. Because I never had any of them. Back then, when my heart still ached for them, I had already killed that shameless part of me. I used to drown my sorrows in alcohol, but I never will. Then I realized I never liked drinking, especially hating the feeling of being drunk.
Giving up on yourself because you can't get what you want is just weakness. I'd rather wear a mask and pretend to be strong. Even though I know it's just another kind of weakness. Just when I thought I was immune to them, I encountered one of them again.

Chapter One: Reencounter
When I ran into Qingqing by chance at the supermarket, I instinctively turned away before she even noticed me. I walked past several shelves before realizing it was her. Pretending not to see someone I haven't seen in a long time when I bump into an acquaintance in a public place and quickly disappearing is my usual practice. The reason is simple: firstly, I'm afraid of trouble, and secondly, because I'm really not doing well, and the embarrassment of being asked about my recent situation is my nightmare. It was a
Sunday afternoon, and the supermarket was full of people, but most were in twos and threes, with friends, or even families, or loving couples. A poor soul like me, pushing a shopping cart alone,
was definitely in the minority. In my memory, she was also alone. For a moment, I suddenly had the urge to imagine that her married life wasn't so good. Although I knew the reason was ridiculously weak, I couldn't help but feel that petty, gloating mentality. Ah, I'm completely hopeless. Perhaps living in sorrow for too long unconsciously leads to psychological distortion. I used to be a pushover who desperately wanted the people I loved to be happy. I thought at least that wouldn't change, but it turns out I've become a psychologically dark middle-aged man.
Just as I was feeling dejected, my shopping cart bumped into someone else's cart with a "clatter." I looked up and saw Qingqing. There are times when you can't avoid running into acquaintances. My usual approach is to give a silly smile, a slight nod, and then casually drift away. Just as I was about to drift past, Qingqing smiled and said, "Hey, Xin Shao, it's you! Long time no see."
Since it's rare for acquaintances to strike up a conversation, and my reaction time is a beat slower than in my youth, she dragged me to a nearby coffee shop for a while. Frankly, I don't really remember how long that afternoon was, so "a while" likely meant more than just a short time. Because I'm terrified of people asking about my life, I never proactively inquire about others' lives. But I understand this topic is unavoidable in certain situations, so when I noticed we were both tacitly avoiding it, a dark thought crept into my mind: her married life probably wasn't very happy. So, with a slightly malicious smile, I asked, "Where's your husband?"
The tone in my voice sounded irritating even to myself. She rested her chin on her hand, sighed softly, and said with a bitter smile, "You know what he does for a living."
Suddenly realizing I'd gone too far, I fell silent. She lowered her head, remained silent for a while, and then said softly, "Do you think I'm stupid for marrying him knowing it would turn out this way?"
"No, you married him because you can't live without him. That's like a natural disaster; you can't resist it."
I don't know what kind of expression I had when I said those words. During that time, she complained to me almost daily about how badly he treated her, but in the end, she couldn't leave him. Given that, I don't believe she'd regret it now. If anyone should regret it, it's probably me. Because I've never relentlessly pursued anyone; otherwise, she might have been heartless enough to leave him that day. It's unavoidable. Because back then, I was always worried that if even relentless pursuit didn't work, I would lose even my last shred of dignity. Clearly, I'm more afraid of losing something than gaining it—that's always been my nature. Because of this weakness, I know I don't deserve anything. "Are you saying I'm destined for misfortune? You're so cruel,"
Qingqing said sarcastically, staring intently at me. "You said that to me that day, don't you remember?"
I said calmly. "I don't remember, I just remember you didn't say a single word to try and keep me."
She suddenly laughed. "Since you've already made up your mind, why should I humiliate myself?"
"Yes, you once said you wouldn't give anyone a second chance to reject you. I'm no exception."
She was still smiling, but her expression was strange. "Then let me ask you, if I had given you a second chance that day, would you have rejected me?"
I said ambiguously. "Yes, definitely, and I'll say it to you loudly and arrogantly, 'Give up,' hehehehe..."
I watched her laugh until a tear rolled down my cheek. "That was close. You know how fragile I was back then. If I had been rejected by the same person twice, I really would have died, hehe..."
I said awkwardly. "Hey, you should really wear a sign on your chest that says 'Cherish life, stay away from love,' wow, it would suit you perfectly."
"..."
I was completely speechless, utterly defeated. "You really are funny..."
She took a breath before suddenly becoming a little serious and said, "You know, I was really hesitant back then, not knowing what to choose. When someone doesn't know what to choose, they usually choose the side they're more used to. If you want to break that habit, you need some extra courage. I knew very well that you wouldn't give me a second chance because that's your habit. So I thought, if you're willing to change for me, I'll also have the courage to change myself."
"Then shouldn't I just go home and burn charcoal?"
I smiled bitterly. "I know you won't. Because all along, you've only loved yourself. Losing anyone doesn't matter, what matters is not losing yourself, right?"
In that instant, I seemed to see a tear quickly slide down her face. I wanted to tell her, no. I had loved some people more than I loved myself, but since those I loved thought my love was too cheap, I had no choice but to take it back, return it to myself. But at that moment, I couldn't even utter a word of excuse. Because once I said it, I would no longer be myself. Once I said it, it would be equivalent to giving up all the dignity that had supported my existence. Although I knew that this dignity was so useless, so insignificant, even so obstructive, I couldn't give it up now.

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