The lies that should and shouldn't be told

page views:1 Publication date:2023-06-10 01:46:25

We often say that honesty is the cornerstone of marriage, but sometimes, excessive honesty does more harm than good. Recently, the American magazine *Prevention* invited three leading experts to offer advice. Dr. Paul Hockmeier, a marriage and family therapist, believes that honesty is indeed a virtue, and telling a few white lies when necessary can help improve marital harmony and maintain a healthy marriage. However, it's important to be mindful of the limits of lying. How can one determine which lies are acceptable and which are not in a marriage? Marriage expert and registered therapist Rachel Sussman offers a general principle: Before lying, ask yourself: How would he/she feel if they discovered the truth? All lies, including some white, insignificant ones, can accumulate over time and develop into major problems. Dr. Hockmeier and clinical psychologist and marriage expert Monica O'Neill offer the following tips on which white lies are acceptable and which are not in a marriage.
In the following four situations, it is permissible to reserve some information about the facts.
1. Disliking your husband's favorite shirts. Hockmeier suggests that if you dislike your husband's favorite shirts or find the food unappetizing, you should naturally keep these thoughts to yourself. In these situations, telling the truth might hurt your partner's feelings.
2. Don't immediately decide whether to reveal the truth. If you already know something, how do you determine whether to remain silent? Hockmeier suggests asking yourself the following questions: "Is this necessary to say?" "Does it need to be said by me?" "Do I need to say it now?" If the answer to any of these questions is no, then you can comfortably keep the secret for a while. For example, if the child is behaving poorly at school and the husband knows first, while the wife is having a lot of trouble at work, there's no need to tell her immediately.
3. Details of interactions with the opposite sex. O'Neill suggests that there's no need to tell your partner that a friend of the opposite sex bought you a few drinks while you were out at a bar. However, if you find yourself constantly needing to keep your interactions with the opposite sex private, you may need to seek professional counseling.
4. Past romantic affairs. O'Neal says your partner is likely aware of your past relationships and your friends from the past few years. However, private experiences like first love in college or participating in pole dancing competitions can be kept from your partner.
There are four situations in which you should not lie to your partner.
1. Matters related to money, such as shopping. O'Neill states that conversations about money should always be honest and trustworthy. "After spending money on something, sharing the joy with your partner will deepen trust between you. If your partner feels cheated, it can have a significant impact on the marriage."
2. Matters concerning children. O'Neill says, "Parents should stand together and not lie about things concerning their children, even if the children beg." If you feel you cannot be honest about things concerning your children, you should consult a professional promptly.
3. Matters involving family. O'Neill advises that if a mother constantly complains that her partner is "always late" or "talks too much," she can relay the message to her partner, but not verbatim, especially if it contains unacceptable comments. Maintaining a generally consistent stance towards both sets of parents is crucial in a marriage.
4. Sexual history, especially health conditions. You should honestly tell your partner about your sexual history, including past and present medical conditions, and your most recent sexually transmitted infection test results. Although it may be embarrassing, concealing information increases the risk of infection for both of you.

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The lies that should and shouldn't be told

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