Adult jokes

page views:1 Publication date:2023-06-10 01:27:32

What is 5 plus 5?
Little Ma was in kindergarten when his teacher tested him on math: "What is 3 plus 3?" Little Ma held up his fingers and answered, "6." The teacher then asked, "What is 4 plus 4?" Little Ma counted on his fingers again: "8." The teacher said, "No, you need to do it mentally. Put your hands in your pockets. Now, I'll ask you again, what is 5 plus 5?" Little Ma calculated for a long time, his hands still in his pockets. After a long while, finally... the answer came out!! The
little brother said, "11."
The student asked, "Why is it best not to do that when you're eight or nine months pregnant?"
The teacher replied, "Actually, it's possible... but..."
The student was confused. The teacher said, "If you're not afraid of a [little hand] suddenly grabbing your [thing]..." A young
woman was walking home after buying groceries. There was a main road, and she was walking slowly across when a car couldn't brake in time and hit her [chest]. She fell to the ground. The driver got out and asked about her injuries. He wanted to take her to the doctor, but wondered, "Which department should I take her to?" So the driver said, "Madam, which department should I see for your injury?" The young woman angrily replied, "Nonsense! Of course, both [chests] need to be seen!" A man proposed to his girlfriend. Before she accepted, she told him she had hidden a shoebox under the bed and asked him to promise never to look inside. The man said he understood, he didn't like people going through his wallet, and agreed he would never look into the shoebox. Five years passed, and they lived a happy married life. One day, the husband was home alone, and his curiosity overcame his reason, so he opened the shoebox and found three eggs and five thousand yuan in cash inside. He was very confused. When his wife came home, he confessed to looking into the shoebox. "Now can you tell me what these things represent?" he asked. "Sure," his wife replied, "Every time I have an affair, I put an egg in the shoebox." The man was stunned, but then he thought about it, and three affairs in five years wasn't too bad. He took a deep breath and accepted the fact. "And what does the five thousand yuan represent?" the man asked again. "Every time I accumulate a dozen eggs, I sell them for money. " (The last sentence is a separate, unrelated anecdote: " The key was wrong .") One day, a general was about to lead his troops into battle, but fearing his wife would have an affair, he tied a chastity belt to her body. The general found his most loyal adjutant, gave him the key, and instructed him, "Keep the key safe and return it to me when I return." The general then went to war with peace of mind. He had only been out of the city gates for a short time when the adjutant rode up and asked, "General, you've taken the wrong key!" A certain young woman was always unconventional, never hesitating to breastfeed her child in public. Once, she and her husband took their child to a restaurant. The child cried from hunger, and the woman lifted her clothes to breastfeed. A waiter approached her and politely asked her not to breastfeed in public. The young woman was furious and said, "Do you think breastfeeding is obscene and indecent?" "No!" The waiter politely pointed to the notice on the wall and said, "However, eating food not supplied by this restaurant is prohibited here." The story of the female counselor: When I was in college, I loved to sleep in, often sleeping until noon with my roommates. The counselor (a recent graduate) decided to enforce discipline and announced that anyone caught sleeping in and skipping class would be dragged out of bed and punished. She privately discussed it with her roommates and decided to resist. One roommate had a peculiar habit: she often slept naked. So one morning, everyone quietly got up, leaving only the roommate behind. The female counselor actually went to check, and everyone pointed to the roommate. The counselor then rushed forward (to the upper bunk) and violently pulled back the covers... screams, maniacal laughter... The female counselor, indignant, complained to the female Party branch secretary, saying, "He's outrageous! Not only did he sleep in late, but he also had a stick in his blanket—how dangerous!" The secretary found the situation strange and went back to the dormitory with the counselor to check. The student, terrified, found his penis limp as a lump of mud. The counselor couldn't find the stick anymore. The secretary, looking displeased, asked the counselor, "Where's the stick you mentioned?" The counselor was extremely embarrassed: "Yes, I definitely saw it just now..." Afterwards, the counselor was completely baffled; how could that long, thick roller have suddenly disappeared? From then on, she was depressed. Finally, one day, the counselor got married and entered the bridal chamber. Just as she got into bed, she shouted, "I found the roller! I found the roller! I found the roller I've been dreaming of!" The groom asked, "Have you seen this roller before?" The bride replied, "I've seen it, it looks even thicker than yours. Huh? How did it end up here?" A man with obsessive -compulsive disorder entered a restaurant, ordered his food, and sat down. After a while, he suddenly saw a waiter carrying his food, and the waiter actually stuck his thumb in the dish. He felt disgusted, but barely managed to suppress his urge. Later, the same waiter brought the same dish with his hand still in the food. Finally, he finished his meal. He decided to report the waiter to the manager. Of course, the manager also found it very unhygienic and was furious, so he called the waiter over to question him. However, the waiter explained, "I'm sorry, my thumb is injured, and the doctor said I need to keep it warm, so I'm doing this." But the germaphobic man was still unhappy and said to him, "If you want to keep it warm, why don't you stick your hand up your ass?" At this point, the waiter hurriedly replied, "That's right, I stick my hand up my ass when I'm not serving food." Four thieves broke into a house at night to steal. Their leader volunteered to go in first to scout. When they got inside, it was pitch black and they couldn't see anything, but they heard the woman of the house say, "Okay, the leader has come in." The leader was shocked. Oh no, she saw me! He quickly ran out to tell his accomplices, but they didn't believe him. One of them said, "I'll go with you to see." After entering the house, they heard the woman say, "Half of them have come in." The two of them ran out again in fright. The four of them discussed it and decided to go in together. This time, the woman said, "Finally, they're all in." The man asked, "Should we catch them?" The woman replied, "Catch them!" The four thieves were so frightened that they turned and ran away. Note: In Shandong dialect, "逮" means "good." Teacher Jiang was explaining the meaning of "日" (sun) and "天" (day) to his elementary school students. Jiang said: "This day is one day, this day is one day." The student still didn't understand and asked his mother. The next day, the mother came to the school and scolded: "You filthy scoundrel Jiang, one day isn't enough for you, you want one day to be one day! How can you let my daughter live?!" Mosquitoes One night, two mosquitoes, one big and one small, were discussing what the best thing in the world was to eat. The big one told the small one: "The thing down there is the best to eat." The small one didn't believe it and immediately flew to find a woman. A little while later, the mosquito, covered in sweat, ran back and said, "You lied to me! I just flew in and hadn't even eaten yet when a big insect suddenly came in trying to eat me. It couldn't eat me, so it spat at me, making it impossible for me to open my wings. I had to run back." This story spread throughout the summer. A young man wearing slippers boarded a bus, sat down, and crossed his legs...A young woman in a miniskirt (no underwear) was sitting across from me. The car started moving! Suddenly! A sudden stop! The young man's foot pierced the woman's vagina. Oh well, that's how it ended! Two days later, the woman felt a lot of discomfort in her vagina and went to the hospital. At the hospital, the doctor examined her and exclaimed in surprise, "Wow, your vagina has athlete's foot! That's strange!" Just then, the door was pushed open, and another doctor rushed in, saying, "What's so strange about that? Just now, a young man had syphilis on his foot!!" (Two ants)

Two ants went out together and came to the edge of the forest. Ant A, with sharp eyes, spotted a cave behind some weeds and suggested they explore it. Ant B, being timid, said, "You go in by yourself, I'll keep watch outside..." Ant A had no choice but to venture into the cave alone. Unexpectedly, shortly after entering, the earth began to shake violently. Ant A stumbled and fell, nearly losing his life, and finally fainted. Upon regaining consciousness, he quickly crawled out of the cave to find Ant B. He found Ant B lying unconscious beside him, missing an arm and a leg. He quickly gave him first aid, and Ant B slowly awoke. Ant B asked Ant A, "What happened? Why are you covered in bruises and shampoo?" Ant A replied, "What bad luck! I had just gone in when there was a huge earthquake. It knocked me senseless, and I passed out. I don't know anything else!" Ant A countered, "You were outside, how come you're more injured than me?" Ant B weakly said... You just went in when an SUV pulled up outside. I couldn't dodge in time and got run over by its two huge tires, which is why I ended up like this. What's infuriating is that after hitting me, the car didn't even stop to check on me. Instead, it repeatedly ran over me with its tires, determined to kill me!! That driver was a real idiot!! Once, a eunuch stopped Ji Xiaolan and asked him to tell a joke.
Ji
Xiaolan complied and said: Once upon a time, there was a person. (After a long silence) The eunuch couldn't wait and asked: What happened next? Ji Xiaolan replied: There's nothing next! Stop!

One
dark and windy night... A girl was assaulted by a perverted maniac! Just as the demon's hand was about to invade her forbidden zone, the girl screamed, "Stop!..." "With your mouth!..." The legend of
Tang Bohu's butterfly paintings
: Tang Bohu's butterfly paintings were incredibly lifelike. A woman from Suzhou went to ask him for advice but was refused. So she chiseled a hole in the window to steal his skills. One day, Bo Hu took a large basin, filled it with ink, laid out Xuan paper, loosened his clothes, dipped his buttocks into the ink, and sat on the Xuan paper. A lifelike butterfly appeared on the paper. The woman was overjoyed, thinking she had mastered the technique, and immediately copied it to show off to Bo Hu. Bo Hu saw the painting and said it didn't resemble the real thing. The woman was puzzled, saying the method was the same, so why didn't it look the same? Bo Hu laughed and said: "Your butterfly has no head." This is a
true story
, absolutely true, my friend swears on his military rank to guarantee it. The story takes place in the 1970s at a military base in Northwest China. The officers and soldiers lived in hardship and had little cultural life. The higher-ups formed a cultural troupe for the base, recruiting several female art troupe soldiers from a large city in the south. For a considerable period, the base's cultural life did indeed become more vibrant. However, as time went on, the female soldiers could no longer endure the harsh natural environment of the base, nor could they adapt to the monotonous life there. So the female soldiers took action, and the commanders, of course, accepted all comers, only paying a small fee. The price was basically ten yuan per time. One day, Section Chief Liu from the Operations Department also wanted to try it out, so he found a female artist named Xiao Yuan, but when he checked his pockets, he only had five yuan. Xiao Yuan naturally refused, so Section Chief Liu thought for a moment and said, "How about this, let me do it once, I'll only go in halfway." Xiao Yuan thought it made sense, so she agreed to go in halfway. The deal was struck, and the two began their work. Just as the two were getting into the swing of things, Xiao Yuan shouted, "Wait! How come you went all the way in?" Section Chief Liu said proudly, "I went in the back half!" (The last sentence is a separate
, unrelated anecdote: "
A black vampire found a magic lamp on the road and rubbed it vigorously, finally freeing the spirit trapped inside.") The elf happily said to the vampire, "Master, thank you for saving me. To repay you, I will grant you three wishes!" The black vampire thought for a moment and said happily, "One, I want to become white; two, I want to be with beautiful women; three, I want to be able to drink blood anytime." The elf patted his chest to indicate no problem and told the vampire to close his eyes. After he counted one, two, three, he could open his eyes and his wishes would be fulfilled. The vampire happily closed his eyes and counted one...two...three. But when he opened his eyes, he screamed! He found himself turned into a sanitary napkin!!! A
noblewoman
was traveling in Barcelona, Spain. At noon, she went to the most famous restaurant in the area for lunch. She saw a lady at the next table eating a long, stick-like object, a food she had never seen before. The noblewoman thought it must be a Spanish specialty and she had to try it. She called over a waiter and asked what it was made of. The waiter politely replied, "Madam, that is bullwhip." Upon hearing it was bullwhip, the noblewoman immediately ordered one. However, the waiter said, "I'm sorry, madam, our bullwhips are all from bulls killed in bullfights, and our city only holds one bullfight a week. So we don't have any fresh ones in stock right now. But you can order one for next week." Left with no choice, the lady made a reservation. A week later, she arrived at the restaurant on time. This time, her order was served quickly, but as soon as the lid was lifted, the noblewoman flew into a rage. She called over the same waiter from last week and asked, "Last week I saw a three-foot-long whip, but why is mine less than seven inches long?" The waiter, still very polite, replied, "I'm sorry, madam, this week, the bull won..." (The following is a separate story): Once upon a time, there was an old man and his granddaughter
who
ran a small shop. The old man was very careful, always afraid of losing money. One day, the old man had to go out and told his granddaughter, "Take good care of the business and don't lose money." After the old man left, a man buying cigarettes came and raped his granddaughter. When the old man returned, he asked his granddaughter, "Did you lose money on your purchase?" The granddaughter said, "No, not at all. After you left, a man came up and kissed me instead of buying things properly, and I kissed him back." "And then?" the old man asked. The granddaughter said, "Then he touched me, and I touched him back. Then he made me moan, and I made him scream. Finally, he made me cum red." The old man immediately asked, "And then?" The granddaughter said, "I made him cum white." A couple had a four-year-old son. One day, the father took him to a bathhouse. The son saw his father's crotch and

asked
, "Dad, Dad, what's that?" The father replied, "It's a car." The son was puzzled. Another time, the mother took him to a bathhouse. The son saw something between his mother's legs and asked, "Mom, what's that?" The mother replied, "It's the garage." The son was puzzled. One night, the son was sleeping when he suddenly heard a noise that woke him up. He looked and saw his father on top of his mother, having sex. The son shouted, "Dad's car is in Mom's garage! The wheel hub is still parked outside!" A man met a
prostitute
on the street. The man said, "Let's find a place to do our business. I have 15 yuan." The prostitute said, "Fifteen yuan will only let you look." "Okay," the man replied. So they went to an empty alley. The prostitute pulled down her pants, and the man knelt on the ground. Because it was dark, he couldn't see clearly, so he lit a lighter. The man said, "Hey, your pubic hair...it's so thick, so much, so shiny...it's really beautiful." The prostitute said, "Thank you!" The man said, "Can I ask you a personal question?" The prostitute said, "Sure." The man asked, "If you peed, could you soak all your pubic hair?" The prostitute said, "Of course." The man said, "Okay, you'd better start peeing now, because your genitals are on fire!"

A little girl
A little girl asked to take a bath with her mother. The mother said, "Okay, but you can't look up or down." The girl agreed. But while bathing, she couldn't resist glancing at her mother's private parts. The little girl asked, puzzled, "Mommy, what are those?" The mother said, "Up there are two little light bulbs, and down there, that's Mommy's garden." The next day, the girl asked to take a bath with her father. The father said, "Okay, but you can't look down." The little girl agreed. But while bathing, she couldn't resist glancing at that area again. She asked, puzzled, "Daddy, what's that?" "Oh, that's Daddy's snake." That night, when going to bed, the little girl asked to sleep with her parents. The father said, "Okay, but you can't look under the blanket!" The little girl agreed. However, while sleeping, unable to resist his curiosity, he lifted the blanket to look down and exclaimed, "Mom, Mom, Dad's snake has slithered into your garden!" One day, a boy went to a STD clinic. He showed
the
doctor his genitals, and the doctor was astonished, exclaiming, "Why are yours all curled up?!" He shook his head and said, "I don't know how to treat this; please find someone else!" A year later, coincidentally, the two met again in a department store restroom. The doctor curiously peered in to see if the boy's condition had improved, and to his surprise, he was completely cured! The doctor asked the patient, puzzled, "How did you get cured?" The patient replied, "Now I know that after urinating, you should shake it out, not squeeze it like you're drying clothes..." A
widow and
her brother-in-law lived together peacefully. That night, the widow could no longer restrain herself. She rushed into her brother-in-law's room and loudly declared, "Now I command you to take off my clothes!" The brother-in-law hesitated for a moment, but obediently complied. Then she said, "Now I command you to take off my pants." He did the same. The widow was now only wearing her underwear, but she said to her brother-in-law, "Now I command you to take off all my underwear!" The brother-in-law was terrified! However, he still did as she said. The widow was now completely naked! She then said to her brother-in-law, "Now please see clearly that our bodies are completely different. Please don't wear my underwear anymore!" (The following is a separate, unrelated anecdote): A
sailor
, after spending several months at sea, had just come ashore. He rushed to a brothel. He told the doorman he wanted to find a girl to have sex with, but he didn't have much money. The doorman said it would cost 40 dollars to have sex with a girl, and 20 dollars to watch a humor show. But this guy gambled away all his money on the ship, leaving only 5 dollars. "Please, brother, I've been at sea for months without a shot. Please help me!" the sailor pleaded incessantly. The doorman thought for a moment, took the money, led the sailor to a room upstairs, and left. Inside the room, the sailor looked around; besides a rooster on the floor (a real rooster!), there was nothing else. Unable to bear it any longer, the sailor convinced himself to get up and masturbate the "rooster" to relieve his immediate urges. Then he quietly left! Two weeks later, the sailor returned. "What can 20 dollars buy here?" This time he had won some money. The doorman took the money, said nothing, and led the sailor upstairs again. But they arrived at the door of another room. Pushing open the door, the sailor saw a large crowd gathered in front of a one-way mirror on the wall, watching two women playing with each other. "Damn, that's pretty!" the sailor exclaimed, mesmerized, to the person next to him. "What's so great about that!" the guy replied without turning around. "If you'd come two weeks earlier, you could have seen a guy fucking a rooster."
During an early graduation
class, the female teacher was writing on the blackboard when a mischievous student peeked at her from below. Hearing a snicker, the teacher turned around, knew something was wrong, and angrily shouted, "Who is it?" Little Tao Fei from the second row raised her hand and admitted, "Teacher, I saw your panties." "Fine, starting today, you're banned from class for three days." After Tao Fei left the classroom, the teacher turned back to writing on the blackboard, her hand reaching higher, her skirt riding up. At that moment, another student peeked from behind and was caught. Enraged, she asked, "Who is it?" This time it was Tom, sitting in the second row. He admitted, "Teacher, I saw your panties, and I even saw the pubic hair on both sides." The teacher, furious, shouted, "You leave the classroom immediately! You're banned from class for a month!" After Tom left, the teacher turned back to the blackboard, her emotions boiling. She accidentally dropped the chalk. As she bent down to pick it up, Billy immediately gathered the books, papers, and pens on the desk. "What are you doing, Billy?" "I saw both of the teacher's grandmas. I think I have to graduate early."
This was a brilliant plan.
A young man had just moved in next door to Widow Zhang. He was quite burly, but his eyes were filled with lust. Widow Zhang often flirted with him, and the young man was also attracted to the widow's mature charm. The two frequently exchanged glances. However, all of this was observed by Widow Zhang's son. He didn't want the two to develop feelings for each other, so he devised a plan. He told his mother, "I once saw the young man urinate. Strange! His penis is as big as a bowl." Then, he told the young man, "Don't you dare mess with my mother. She has a lot of teeth down there!" The son thought this plan would surely deter them, but that night, they still hooked up, ready to have a good time. In the darkness, Widow Zhang lay on the bed with her legs spread. The young man, remembering his son's words, dared not try rashly. So, he used his clenched fist to try and penetrate her. Widow Zhang felt a hard object bump against her. Suddenly remembering her son saying his manhood was as thick as a bowl, she panicked and grabbed it with her hand, her long, sharp fingernails digging into the young man's fist. The young man felt a sharp pain and ran away, secretly glad he had tested it with his fist first; otherwise, her sharp teeth would have bitten off his manhood. Once upon
a
time, there was a fool who had been married for a long time but still didn't understand the ways of husband and wife. His wife was very annoyed and had to take the initiative to teach him the ways of love. The fool, having tasted pleasure for the first time, was thrilled and exclaimed in amazement, "How amazing! My little bird can actually go inside your belly!" His wife then taught him how to thrust, and after a while, just as she was about to climax, the fool cried out, "Oh no! My little bird wants to pee! I absolutely can't pee on you!" He jumped up and looked at his wife's genitals, but he was even more shocked and shouted, "What?! I've poked a hole in her genitals, and it's bleeding!" The fool put on his clothes and rushed out the door. He ran to the tailor next door and asked the tailor to come and sew up his wife's genitals, otherwise, she would continue to bleed. The tailor secretly laughed at the fool's stupidity and took the opportunity to rape his wife. At this moment, his wife's climax had not yet subsided, and they consummated their relationship. The tailor, having finished his work, came out and said to the fool, "I've finished sewing it up, go and see!" The fool went in and, after looking at it, cursed, "Damn it! I told him to use needle and thread, and he just slapped it on with glue!" Old Zhao,
a coward
, went to Subic Bay in the Philippines with a tour group to gamble. He won six hundred dollars and, in high spirits, found a prostitute for some fun. After they finished, Old Zhao generously paid her one hundred dollars. The prostitute excitedly said, "Wow! That was amazing! You're really good at it, can we do it again? This time it's free." "Really? That's great!" So, Old Zhao perked up again, and they enjoyed another wonderful time together. "You're so capable, please do it again! This time I'll pay you one hundred dollars," the prostitute requested. Old Zhao, hearing this, wanted to perk up and do it again, but alas, he was too weak, looking at his useless manhood, limp and hanging there. He said helplessly, "Useless things are incredibly aggressive when it comes to paying money, but cower like turtles when there's profit to be made."
(Milking )
One day, a young woman boarded a bus carrying a bottle of fresh milk. As the bus approached a major stop, the crowd grew increasingly dense, making it difficult to even breathe… Soon, the bottle of milk she was carrying was burst by the throng, staining her stockings with milk. The woman, furious, exclaimed: "Ugh!! Stop pushing! You've squeezed all my milk out!
"
Another day, a young man walked into a roast duck restaurant. "Miss, do you sell roast duck?" he asked. The owner was a young woman. "Yes! We have Peking duck and Nanjing salted duck! What flavor would you like, sir?" "Hmm… what's the difference?" "Well… okay! Come with me for a moment." With that, the young woman led the man to the back kitchen. "Look!" she said, grabbing a duck from a cage and forcefully inserting her hand into its anus. "Quack quack! Huh!!" The duck struggled violently. "Did you hear that?" The girl smiled and said, "That sound...that's the sound of Nanjing salted duck." "Oh..." the young man then asked, "And Peking duck?" The girl grabbed another duck from a cage and inserted her hand into it again. "Hey! Hey! That's Peking duck!" "Sir, which one would you like?" "Hmm...I'll buy a Nanjing salted duck then." With that, the girl wrapped up a salted duck for him. "Thank you for your patronage!" the girl said with a smile. "You're welcome," the young man replied with a smile, then turned and left. "Oh! By the way! Miss, where are you from?" the young man asked with a grin. The girl smiled shyly and said, "Would you like to come with me to the toilet and see
who's the most powerful?
Do you know what kind of man is the most arrogant in the world? -- A Texas cowboy and a Soviet hunter!" One day, a Texan and a Soviet hunter were drinking together in a small bar in Siberia. Outside it was freezing cold, but inside it was warm and cozy. As they drank, the two men started arguing, each boasting that they were the strongest men in the world. Their tempers flared, and it looked like they were about to fight. The bartender, seeing things getting out of hand, rushed in to mediate, saying, "You're not going to get anywhere arguing like this. Why don't you each go out and do something to prove you're the strongest man in the world? The winner gets a drink." The Russian hunter said, "This is my territory, I'll go first." He immediately and bravely strode out… About half an hour later, the Russian hunter returned, staggering, his clothes disheveled and covered in blood. He leaned against the bar: "Bring me a drink, I've already won!" "Wait!" said the Texan. "What did you do?" "I defeated a polar bear with my bare hands!" The Texan didn't say a word, turned around, and went out again… An hour later, the Texan stumbled back, bleeding profusely, practically covered in wounds. He slumped onto the bar: "A drink! I've won this time!" "Wait! What did you do?" the Russian hunter asked. The Texan replied triumphantly, "I fucked a polar bear!!" (
A humorous anecdote follows:
A British, an American, and a Japanese man were on the same plane; they crashed and made an emergency landing in Africa (a region said to be inhabited by cannibals). Unfortunately, before they could escape, they were taken in for dinner.) As they watched the cannibals perform their frantic "Hughahaga" dance with heavy hearts, the chief came to inspect these three plump dinners... Clinging to a sliver of hope, the three tried to communicate with the chief (not through a translator, of course!). They used body language to plead for their lives... The chief agreed, but then presented them with a test (certainly not the questions on this joint exam!). His test was: measure the lengths of their penises; if the sum was exactly 19 cm... he would release them! The Englishman volunteered to measure first—wow! 7 cm! Next was the American—10 cm. Finally, the Japanese man—2 cm (ha!). Dear readers, please calculate: 7 + 10 + 2 = 19, right?! The chief, true to his word, released them. The three ran and scrambled away from the cannibal village, fleeing for their lives! "Onward! Onward!" the Japanese man exclaimed with a huge sigh of relief. Okay, here I am. Just now, while measuring the length, I don't know why, I suddenly got excited! Otherwise... (Otherwise, I believe you all understand!) So, in my humble opinion, the length of men's legs is more related to race (no discrimination intended!)!! During
the Iran
-Iraq War, a captain was transferred to the Iranian front as a company commander. Upon arrival, he asked his messenger, "There are no women in this desert unit. How do you meet your basic needs?" The messenger pointed to the camels tied outside the tents and said, "We rely on them!" The company commander looked puzzled and said, "Rely on them?" The messenger nodded. The company commander was incredulous. More than a month later, the company commander, unable to bear his physical needs any longer, called the messenger and said, "Bring that camel to my room!" The messenger asked curiously, "Bring the camel to your room?" The company commander replied, "Stop arguing, just bring it in." About 30 minutes later, the company commander came out exhausted and said, "This is really difficult!" The messenger asked, puzzled, "What were you doing with the camel in your room, company commander?" The company commander said, "Doing *that* thing, of course! You guys do the same thing." The messenger replied, "Company Commander, I meant we all rely on this camel to take us to the city to find women."
An
elderly wealthy merchant married a young woman. To surprise his wife, the merchant asked a doctor to transplant a chimpanzee's testicles into him. Soon after, the young wife became pregnant. On the day the baby was born, the merchant waited anxiously outside the delivery room. When the doctor came out, the merchant impatiently asked, "Doctor, is it a boy or a girl?" "I don't know!" the doctor said helplessly. "It's been hanging on the chandelier and won't come down." Da Kang
visited
A Zhou's house, but A Zhou wasn't home; his wife was embroidering. Da Kang looked at it and said, "Your embroidery is beautiful!" A Zhou's wife said, "You flatter me. If you like it, I'll embroider one for you too." After returning home, Da Kang told his wife about it and praised A Zhou's wife for her very appropriate response. A few days later, A Zhou visited Da Kang, but he wasn't home either; his wife was playing with their child. A Zhou said, "Your child is so beautiful, round and chubby, so cute!" Da Kang's wife said smugly, "You flatter me! If you like, I'll have one for you too." The exhausted husband
on the phone
told his wife, "No matter who calls, say I'm not home." A moment later, the phone rang. The wife picked up the receiver and whispered, "Hello! My husband is home now!" "Didn't I tell you to say I'm not home?" the husband roared angrily. "The call is for me," the wife replied.
Pregnant woman
in a hotel room. After making love, the man, smoking, asked, "Your family is very strict, isn't it? What if you get pregnant?" "I'll commit suicide; I won't implicate anyone else," the woman replied. "Really? That's great! Let's do it again!"
Maid
A: "I'm so pitiful, I have to say 'Yes, madam; yes, madam' every day." Maid B: "I'm even worse off, I have to say 'No, sir; no, sir' every day." Man
undressing
: "You undress first, I'll undress after you're done." Woman: "I undress slower..." "You should take your clothes off first." Man: "Okay then! Let's save time by taking them off together." Woman: "How can I do that?" Man: "It's okay, we're family." Woman: "Then hurry up! Put everything in, be careful! Don't get your clothes dirty!" Man: "Hmm... this spin dryer is so convenient."
During casual conversation...
Person A: "Last night after I did 'that' with my girlfriend, she said I was like a washing machine stick. I don't know what that means?" Person B: "Hmm, it probably describes your performance as very vigorous and prolific." Person C laughs and says: "Ha! No way! You know, washing machines are always put in a much larger washing tub." A male

teacher
at a girls' school is furious in class: "I'm working myself to death up here, and you're all just sitting there motionless. I've put in so much effort, have you even absorbed anything?" Female students...
watches
A man and a woman, strangers to each other, met in a pub and moved to a darker corner where they made love. When the man touched the woman's private parts, she breathed heavily and said, "Ah! It feels so good... But your ring is hurting me..." The lecherous man angrily replied, "Hey! Miss, that's my watch..."

A
farmer, feeling his rooster was too old, decided to buy a young one to satisfy the hens. After the young rooster arrived, the old rooster, thinking he would replace him, said, "Let's run ten laps around the yard. Whoever wins proves to be strong, and the hens belong to him." The young rooster agreed. At first, the old rooster took the lead, with the young rooster chasing closely behind. The hens cheered him on. After three or four laps, the old rooster ran out of energy, and the young rooster gradually caught up. Just as it was about to overtake the rooster, a gunshot rang out, and the little rooster fell headlong to the ground. The farmer, holding a gun, angrily said, "They sold me another homosexual rooster!" A young woman went
sunbathing
alone on the roof of a hotel one day. Since there was no one else around, she was completely naked. Suddenly, she heard someone coming up, so she changed to lying face down and pulled a towel over her back. The person was the hotel manager, who asked her to find another place to sunbathe. She impatiently asked why. "Because you're lying on the restaurant's skylight."
A
mother gave birth to twins, and the two drank their mother's milk, but it wasn't enough. So the two little devils wanted to poison each other. They each put poison on their mother's nipples. Guess who died? Naturally, it was the father who died... How tragic! A middle-aged man
robbed
an elderly spinster in a dark alley. After searching her, he shook his head: "You don't have anything valuable on you." "Yes," the spinster said hurriedly, her face flushed. "I'm a virgin."
Mrs.
Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is currently recovering at the county hospital due to a cut to her chest. "The editor admonished the newly appointed reporter. "This is a family newspaper. We don't use the word 'chest.' Take it back and use a more euphemistic word!" The young reporter racked his brains for a long time. Finally, he presented the following report: "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is currently recovering at the county hospital due to (…)(…) cuts."
Clever
Aro, Paggey, and Dclee went swimming at a nudist camp. It was then that Aro discovered that men's penises come in different sizes. Aro was curious and asked Dclee why. Dclee: "Um… well… the bigger a man's… thing… is… the smarter he is. Don't worry, you'll understand when you're older." Soon, they all separated. Later, Dclee found Aro and asked, "Where's Paggey?" Aro replied, "Oh, she's talking to someone who's getting smarter and smarter."

Xiao
Ying, a thirteen-year-old girl from the countryside, came to Taipei to work in a brush factory to help support her family. Because she was going through puberty, she noticed a lot of dark hair growing in her pubic area and thought she'd caught it from the brushes, so she went to ask the boss. Xiao Ying: "Boss, I've caught it from the brushes! I've grown so much hair down there!" The boss: "Silly child, that's normal." Xiao Ying still didn't believe it, so the boss took off her pants to show her, and she only half-believed. A few months later, Xiao Ying's pubic hair grew even more, and she started to worry again. So she went to find the boss again, but the boss wasn't there. She told the boss about it. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry." Xiao Ying still didn't believe it, so the boss also took off his pants to show her. At this point, Xiao Ying cried and said, "Even the shaft has grown out! You said you wouldn't get infected!" The boss: "?!"
Paggey
pointed to Aro's genitals and asked, "What's this?" "Why don't I have one?" Aro proudly said, "My mom said only boys have that." "Hmph! You don't have one!" Paggey cried as she went home to complain to her mother, "Why don't I have that one?" Her mother comforted her and told her that when she grew up, she would have as many as she wanted... A
sexy lingerie
wife wanted to attract her husband's attention but failed. One day, the wife saw a sexy lingerie set on the street, and, unwilling to give up, immediately bought it, waiting for her husband to come home from work. That evening, while her husband was reading the newspaper, the wife, wearing purple sexy lingerie, walked around in front of him, hoping for a reaction, but he remained unmoved. So... The next day, the wife changed into red sexy lingerie, but her husband still showed no reaction. At this point, the wife couldn't hold back any longer, so she walked around naked in front of her husband... Finally, her efforts paid off, and her husband responded and spoke... Husband: "Wife, the purple lingerie you wore yesterday was sexy and alluring, and the red lingerie you just wore is as passionate as fire..." However, you'd better iron this flesh-colored underwear before wearing it!! There was a
convent
where an old nun and a young nun lived. The young nun had lived there since childhood and was now nineteen years old, quite beautiful, but increasingly showing signs of puberty. She felt this desire was sinful, but didn't know how to deal with it, so she confided in the old nun: "Old nun, lately I keep thinking about men, what should I do?" The old nun looked at the young nun sympathetically, then turned, opened a drawer, took out a revolver, and handed it to the young nun, saying: "If you still have desires for men, go to the back mountain and shoot a shot into the sky, then your thoughts will calm down." The young nun did as she was told, and fired a shot. Strangely enough, her mind immediately calmed down. Day after day, the young nun used this method to eliminate her sexual needs. However, as she grew older, she found that her needs... To satisfy her desire, she needed to fire more guns. From then on, the number of bullets she fired increased daily. Finally, one day, she emptied her revolver in one go. To her surprise, she still couldn't eliminate her urge. Suddenly, she remembered the old nun was so old; she must have another way to solve it. So the young nun went to the old nun's room for advice. Upon entering, she almost fainted—the old nun, dressed in a blue jumpsuit, carrying two machine guns, with a row of grenades hanging from her waist, dragging a cannon, her eyes bloodshot, was walking out, ready to unleash her pent-up urges…
Four
-year-old Mary excitedly told her mother one day, “Mommy, Mommy, I know!” 'Know what?' 'Why is Daddy's belly so big?' 'Oh, why?' 'Because this morning I saw the maid Julie blowing hard on the tube under Daddy's belly.' One day
,
a wealthy businessman was driving his Cadillac with his young and beautiful daughter. Traveling through the desolate countryside, they saw several fierce-looking men blocking their way to rob them. The father and daughter were frantic, unsure what to do. Suddenly, the daughter had a brilliant idea: "Daddy, why not hide all the important jewels in my little hole to minimize the loss?" Sure enough, when the robbers stopped them, they couldn't find any money and had to drive off in the Cadillac. The wealthy businessman, watching the Cadillac drive away, sighed, "Ah! If only your mother were here!

A
playboy married a country girl... On their wedding night, shortly after the bride and groom entered the bridal chamber, the playboy was carried out to the emergency room... Mother-in-law: What happened?? Bride: Uh... I don't know... He told me to eat... I thought it would be impolite to eat with my hands, so I went to the kitchen to get chopsticks... But I was worried he would laugh at me for using chopsticks, saying it was vulgar and undignified, so I used a knife and fork instead...
(stammering)"
A man suffered from severe stuttering, always stammering when speaking. One day, his wife couldn't stand his stuttering any longer and urged him to see a doctor. At the hospital, after registering, the doctor called him in, and he said to the doctor: "Doctor...you...can...you...cure...my...stuttering..." After a careful examination, the doctor said: "The cause of your stuttering is that your penis is too large, a full forty centimeters. If you want to cure your stuttering, you must have surgery to remove fifteen centimeters." To cure his annoying stutter, he underwent surgery, having fifteen centimeters removed. After the surgery, his stuttering disappeared, and he spoke fluently again, happily returning home. His wife was also very happy to see his stuttering cured. However, that night, after they made love, his wife felt very unsatisfied. He said to him, "I think it's better for you to be the way you were before. Go ask the doctor to bring it back tomorrow!" The next day, he went to the hospital again and said to the doctor, "Doctor, please do another operation. I want to bring my penis back to its original state." The doctor said to him, "It's too late...too late..." (Demonstration by
Ah
-Dai: Dad, what is sex?
Dad: This... let me demonstrate for you.
(Dad leads Ah-Dai into the room and points to Mom lying on the bed)
Dad: See Mom's hole? Dad: Watch carefully...
(Dad jumps onto the bed and starts having sex with Mom)
(At this moment, the younger brother runs into the room)
Younger brother: What is Dad doing? Ah-Dai: Having sex with Mom. Younger
brother: What is sex? Ah-Dai
: See Dad's hole? Ah-Dai: Watch carefully...) (
Bicycle:
In a monastery high in the mountains lived a group of nuns who were ascetic. Usually, they had to ride bicycles down the mountain every day to buy daily necessities... Suddenly one day... the old nun couldn't stand it anymore... and gathered everyone together to scold them...) [If any of you... were to ride your bicycle downhill yelling and shouting... I'd put the bicycle seat back on!!!]
Two nuns
were telling a story about a small, uninhabited island in the South Pacific, inhabited only by a few Black people who had never been in contact with the outside world. Until one day... a cruise ship sank not far from the island, and only two white nuns survived, drifting to a beach at the southern tip of the island. Two local residents spent an afternoon studying the unconscious nuns, having never seen white people before and not knowing what they were. As darkness fell, the two nuns slowly awoke. The two natives, terrified, quickly climbed a coconut tree and buried their heads in the coconut leaves. The two nuns woke up hungry and looked around. There were only coconut trees, so they went to the coconut trees, but the coconut trees were too tall, and the two nuns could only sigh at the coconuts! Suddenly, one of the nuns shouted as if she had discovered a new continent, "Look!" "There's a hole in this coconut tree!" another nun exclaimed. "Hey! This one has one too!" The two studied it for a while. "Oh! It might be a vending machine!" The first nun immediately took out a coin and put it into the hole. The native on the first tree felt a sharp pain in his bottom and couldn't help but shake it hard. A coconut fell down. "It really is a vending machine!" The second nun immediately took out a coin and put it into the hole in the tree in front of her. However, the native on this tree was a coward and was too scared to move. The second nun waited for a long time, but nothing fell down. "Strange, is this machine broken? Let's find the coin return lever." The second nun found the coin return lever and shook it for a while... "Look! This machine sells coconut milk!"
Ice Cream
One day, Xiaoming burst into tears. Dad: Xiaoming, why are you crying? Xiaoming: The uncle next door has ice cream but only gives it to Mom. He doesn't give me any. Dad: How did you know? Xiaoming: Because I heard Mom say to lick it quickly before it softens. Xiaoming's father

was
away fishing at sea year-round, leaving Xiaoming and his mother alone. One day, Xiaoming's mother, unable to contain her desire, took off her clothes, touched her body, and said to herself in the mirror, "I need a man... I need a man..." Xiaoming was on his way to school and passed by his mother's door. Seeing his mother's strange actions and expressions, but because he was in a hurry to get to school, he didn't think much of it. When Xiaoming got home from school, he was shocked to find his mother in bed with a man. He immediately ran into his room, took off his clothes, and, imitating his mother's actions, said to himself in the mirror, "I want a bicycle... I want a bicycle..."
Meanwhile,
a pretty female student was suddenly called on by her biology professor in class to answer: "When a person is excited or aroused, which part of your body will swell tenfold?" "I... I refuse to answer this question," the girl stammered, her eyes shyly avoiding the boy sitting next to her. Then, another student was called upon and gave the correct answer: "Pupil." "Miss Rogers," the professor said, "your refusal to answer just now proves three things. First, you didn't prepare your lesson last night; second, you're full of wicked thoughts..." Finally, the professor concluded, "Third, I'm afraid you'll be greatly disappointed when you get married." (The following is a separate, unrelated anecdote): Ms. Wang often bought bread from a

bakery
near her home... Over time... she noticed something like... that... kind of curly fuzz on the bread... and angrily went to find the bakery owner. While Ms. Wang was arguing with him... the owner told her... In the final stage of his bread-making process... he habitually tucks the bread under his arm... so... it's inevitable that some fuzz will fall out... So the owner told Ms. Wang... "I'm actually doing alright!... Look at how that donut shop across the street makes theirs!!"
A
romantic husband, accompanied by a stranger, stood at his door with a bouquet of roses, ringing the doorbell to surprise his wife. When she came down and saw him, she quickly said: "Come in! Come in! My husband isn't home!"
Three wishes
: This time, another ugly man accidentally saved a fairy. Luckily, the fairy granted him three wishes. The ugly man excitedly strolled down the street. Suddenly, he saw a poster of Rambo, so he made his first wish: "I want to be as strong as him!" he roared to the sky... (**action** Passersby cast curious glances...!) Bang! The ugly man suddenly became incredibly strong! He proudly strolled down the street, laughing wildly. (…**action**.....Passersby scattered…!) Suddenly, the ugly man saw a Tom Cruise poster. "I want to be as handsome as him!" the ugly man roared in fury again… (well, actually he saw my poster…) *Boom!* A handsome and muscular man appeared on the street… (…**action**....Girls cast envious glances.) So the "handsome man" wandered the street again. Suddenly, he saw someone selling cows. "I want to be as big as that one!" The "handsome man," drooling and secretly chuckling, made his third wish. "Let's see who dares to look down on me now! I'm big, handsome, and strong!" he thought to himself. *Boom!* His third wish came true. *Snap!* His "that one" disappeared… It turned out he was referring to a cow…

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