"A Difficult Statement" by Yizhi Duxiu [Repost]

page views:1 Publication date:2012-11-16

"A Difficult Statement" by Yizhi Duxiu
When I got back to my dorm at 10:30, I went straight up to the sixth floor. The three numbers on the doorplate, 619, seemed to smile indifferently at me, as if scrutinizing my sudden arrival… I shook my head helplessly and turned back downstairs—my dorm was on the fourth floor. I knew I was a little “preoccupied.” I’d been staring at the computer for two hours now, my mind overflowing with guilt. With nothing to do, I ate a snack, drank cola. Food made me simple, careless, and indescribable… But continuing might just lead to more staring, or meaningless writing and deleting, deleting and writing… The feelings building up inside me lacked the courage to openly express them… I won’t embellish, I won’t be sarcastic, and I don’t want to be a hopeful storyteller, adding a happy ending or touching plot to every story. I’m just thinking about how to tell a story without hurting kind people. I’ve sent out SOS messages late at night, and a friend said, “Follow your heart… Real things always have regrets…” My own heart? I don't even understand myself, so I think I'll just give a simple, difficult account. Today is my partner's birthday, and I only sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday around 12:30. I've been thinking about how to record these past two days, whether to be understated or to avoid the important points, but in any case, I need to leave myself an opportunity to reflect on it. Many friends have found out about our whereabouts these past two days, and some are looking forward to my account, I know. However, I may disappoint you all, because what you will see is not happiness, or rather, not pure happiness, or perhaps it can only be considered a kind of luck, because we just met a very good couple, a very simple, kind, warm, and loving couple. We met them (I will refer to Mr. C as C and his partner as Q below) at a restaurant in Tianjin. Knowing that we like spicy food, they went to the trouble of treating us to hot pot. Seeing them wave, we sat down facing each other and started talking about the weather, about the climate differences between Tianjin and Beijing. Later, the men's topic turned to cross-strait relations, while Q and I remained relatively silent. I didn't dare look at C; I felt I would reveal my expression or desires. For a moment, I felt like I'd fallen from a height of fantasy to the ground, the distinct sensation of the fall bringing clarity to my mind. To be honest, I felt we were better suited as friends than as sex partners. Sure enough, when we went to karaoke after dinner, everyone relaxed and forgot what they were actually supposed to be doing. My husband was very happy, drinking beer and singing old songs from his memories, as if he were back in the season of love. He held the microphone in one hand, pointed at me with the other, and sang, "My favorite is you..." His dreamy eyes touched me. They sang a duet intimately and were very happy. We both passed the time so casually; the dim lighting didn't create any feeling, and the love songs we sang were just beautiful notes... No one knew what they should or shouldn't do. Around 11:30, we took a taxi to their house. It was a typical couple's home, simple and cozy inside. Stepping out of the living room, there was a large balcony. My crowded heart suddenly felt a moment of relief; the night breeze was gentle. As C walked onto the balcony, her hand lingered briefly on my waist, and I suddenly tensed up. After sitting for a while, I went to take a shower. Q brought me one of her nightgowns, and I repeatedly told my husband I wanted something modest, but when I came out, I still noticed half of my breast and my clearly visible areola... I covered my chest with my hands and sat next to my husband. Everyone took turns showering, and the rest of us were rather silent. At that time, a channel was showing "The Legend of the Condor Heroes." Afterward, we all sat obediently in the living room watching TV until after 1 a.m. the next morning. The lights were bright, and there was no hint of ambiguity between us, so the hostess turned off the living room lights. Everyone started to smile knowingly. I was actually a little reluctant because C wasn't my type (I'm sorry). But with the lights off, the visual pressure lessened considerably, so we started to create an atmosphere of ambiguity. When we sat on a sofa, C put her arm around my shoulder and her right hand around my chest... I didn't refuse; at that moment, the situation controlled everything. I saw my husband sitting properly, and I suddenly felt sorry for Q, so I encouraged him with my eyes. I felt relaxed then, perhaps the fleeting physical pleasure gave me a rare sense of tolerance and acceptance… Later, we did it in separate rooms, and it felt strange. Perhaps due to different habits or other reasons, my pleasure didn't arrive as expected… During our time together, C kept thinking about his lover. I turned my head to one side and smiled understandingly. Later, Q came to see us, but only glanced at us before running out again. After Q left, she cried… This reminded me of myself… But strangely, I didn't shed a single tear, and I couldn't even find a trace of sadness… My husband, C, and I were all comforting her. Her crying was very moving; her tears intensified the emotional element of the game. I felt that authenticity was good. If everyone were only indulging in pure physical pleasure, it would make us feel even more sorrowful, and we might even begin to doubt our attitude towards love. Women are always somewhat sensitive, and I felt a deep tenderness for her, like tenderness for myself. So I had my husband hold her, while I hugged him from behind. Actually, at that moment, I needed him too, but I didn't say it. I rested my head against his back, feeling the warmth of his chest. This familiar, warm embrace… I couldn't bear to leave. It took her a long time to calm down, which I think was because of the simultaneous comforting from two men. Q and I both believed that men got more pleasure than women in this game, and we were very friendly at that time. Her smile was captivating. After showering separately, we sat back down in the living room. We discussed how to sleep that night. Actually, while showering, I clearly told my husband, "I don't want to spend the whole night with C." This was true; I hadn't thought at the time that I didn't want my husband to spend the night with another woman. I was just strongly insisting from my own perspective. So everyone tried to conceal their attitudes during the discussion. Of course, expressing them clearly inevitably hurt some vulnerable souls. I smiled and said, "I'm still not used to sleeping with strangers." If the lights were on, everyone would see my honest, undisguised smile. They didn't really agree with me because they were still discussing. "You decide, I'm fine with whatever," all three of them said. I suddenly felt a sadness... my mood was low, yet I was stubborn. Perhaps they were all looking forward to a new feeling of sleep. I insisted, "Let's sleep with our own people, otherwise... I really won't be used to it." They agreed. Because my reasons were perfectly plausible. My husband and I returned to our room, and naturally, a slight unpleasantness ensued. I am a selfish, willful, and capricious woman. I blamed my husband for disregarding my feelings, for not cherishing me, for not loving me as much as he claimed, for all sorts of other things… My sharp and bizarre questions often left him speechless. I hit him, pinched him, twisted him, and made him swear he loved me… I turned my back, crossed my arms, my hair hanging lonely on my chest, tears streaming down my face, my breathing heavy and labored. I felt that sex made everything fragile; I was sad, I was afraid, I was alone… I thought of any man I could miss: I thought of Z, and I desperately wanted to text him at 3 a.m. to tell him I missed him, to feel his pure, almost monotonous emotions. I knew he would say the world was better when it was pure, and so I longed for the pure life I once had… I thought of Xiao Tang, WXY, WY, and the unfamiliar “feelings”… Back then, anyone who showed me concern could have become someone I confided in… My tears had already soaked my temples… Just then, C pushed open the door and told my husband they should switch beds. I was extremely unhappy, but I didn't say a word. My breathing seemed off, so he asked my husband what was wrong. My husband said he was crying. He asked why, and my husband said he didn't know. So he said, “Then you two go to sleep…” After C left, I pretended to be calm and said, “Disappointed? Why don't you come over? I’m fine sleeping alone… I won’t be angry, really.” My husband smiled and hugged me tightly. I tried to dodge, but he held me tighter; I dodged again, but he held me tighter… Finally, feeling wronged, I nestled into his arms, listing all his faults, and cried my eyes out… He started kissing my earlobe… We made love well, worked up a sweat, but then fell into a deep sleep. I was still in the same position, hugging him tightly from behind… Before, he always draped his legs over me, but since I became pregnant, my husband has maintained this sleeping position to avoid putting pressure on my belly, so this position has become our best sleeping position now. When I woke up in the morning, it was already past ten. I kissed my husband, and he seemed a little excited. I urged him to go to the next room, but he said no. I knew he was saying it for my benefit, but I was still quite happy… Women are just a little silly like that… I don't know why my mood inexplicably improved. He went over, and C came over. C was very concerned about his wife again, asking me, “Do you think they're done?” I said, “Go and see.” He asked, “Are you going or not?” I said…I didn't have the courage. He went over and came back a little while later. I asked, "Are they done yet?" He said, "They seem to be done." So, I put on my clothes, my heart tightening, but I still bravely said, "I'll go check too." My husband was sitting on the edge of the bed, and Q was sitting too, a certain distance between them. When they saw me coming, they smiled. I asked, "How are they?" My husband said, "I can't take it anymore, I feel pressured." I asked why, and he said, "I keep worrying someone will come over..." I said, "I didn't mean to come over, he said you were done, so I came." My explanation was correct, but the correct explanation actually served as a good cover for my true feelings... I was still very selfish. ... So, we all got up and washed up. Then the men went downstairs to buy groceries, I watched TV in the living room, and she went online. Later, the men cooked, and she helped out, while I went online in the inner room. Seeing TT and "Mood" online was like meeting family, and an unspeakable wave of grievances welled up all at once... They comforted me, advised me, and even scolded me, but no matter what, they were doing it for my own good. That was the best gift I received that day… “Mood” even called to comfort me and listen to my troubles… My husband smiled tolerantly when he saw me chatting; he knew I was seeking comfort, something he couldn’t provide. During dinner, C meticulously served his wife rice, vegetables, and drinks, even cleaning up the dishes afterwards… He’s a good husband; Q is very happy. After lunch, Q and C made love in their room, asking my husband to film them. At the time, I was extremely tolerant (now I realize I was being dishonest; I wonder if I can still be considered honest now, haha) and said to my husband, “You three come on, I’ll film you.” My husband shook his head, letting me watch them. Only then did my mood lessen somewhat. They were very affectionate and absorbed. Later, they suggested we do it too, saying we could record it together. So, our two families each did our own thing on one bed. We kept to ourselves… But I felt very comfortable; I fainted on top of my husband again… I liked it this way; I love my husband so much, and at that moment, I could only accept this kind of love. Later, everyone felt that this went against our original intention. Yes, what kind of 4P is this? So, we naturally switched. I watched my husband moving vigorously on Q, and I smiled broadly. Q's moans grew louder. C asked, "Is it good?" Q didn't have time to answer… I felt like an audience member… even though C was working hard on top of me… C ejaculated. I looked at my husband; he glanced back at me and finished quickly too. Q lay on the bed for a long time, too weak to move. C gently stroked her the whole time… C made porridge for dinner, which we enjoyed. Afterwards, Q had work to do and went to the inner room, while the three of us watched a DVD outside. It was "The Pianist." Although I had heard of it before, this was the first time I'd seen it, and it was indeed very good. They have a lot of good movies; C has a hobby of collecting them. The scene was beautiful. I sat between them, next to my husband, with a slice of watermelon C had cut in front of me. There was no lighting, only the flickering light from the TV screen following the plot… We chatted happily… C's left hand gently caressed my buttocks, moving very lightly through my pajamas… After "The Pianist" ended, C put on another movie. This time, my husband's fingers probed inside me. He looked at me in surprise; I knew he was asking why I was so wet down there. I smiled shyly, and his fingers became restless, with a mischievous grin… I involuntarily twisted my body, leaning my upper body towards C. C responded, and my husband made his move from behind… At that moment, I felt incredibly alluring, because I was simultaneously and freely displaying myself in front of two men… Because we were on the sofa, perhaps C was still thinking about his wife, so the matter ended there. By the time Q came out, we were already sitting there properly watching TV. However, after Q came over, she asked C in surprise, "Where are your pants?" C awkwardly pointed to the condoms on the coffee table with her foot and said, "I gave them to them." Q didn't say anything; I could tell she was angry. I didn't say anything and pretended not to notice. At the same time, I noticed that my husband hadn't had time to put on his pants either… Q went into the bedroom, and C went in after her. I felt Q needed comforting, so my husband and I went in together. Q was lying on the bed, and C was chatting and video chatting with someone online. So we joined in. Later, my husband and I were chatting while they were making love on the bed… Later, at a friend's request, we put on a show. But we were still just friends, even though we were on the same bed. Near the end, to prove how exciting it was to others (at least that's what I thought), we switched places. Q was moaning with pleasure again, and C took her hand and asked, "Was it good, baby?" He kissed the back of her hand repeatedly… My husband and I looked at each other… I turned my head away… C ejaculated inside me again. My husband moved a few times… Maybe he was afraid of condoms, anyway, there was no result. Netizens said it was exciting, and I think anyone would say the same. Sensory experiences often mask many subtle details. I gave each netizen a shy smile; they only associated it with allure, and that's just how it is—no one's to blame. That night, my husband and I slept together, and we made love perfectly. I experienced multiple orgasms, like a winged angel soaring in heaven… My husband said I was laughing and crying, and my voice was incredibly loud… But honestly, I felt incredibly liberated; I love him to death… We slept very late. We didn't get up until noon, had lunch, and Q had to go out. I shook hands with her to say goodbye, and at my suggestion, my husband hugged her goodbye… At two o'clock, my husband and I said goodbye to C. …Beautiful Tianjin, we left in the afternoon shade… In the blink of an eye, we experienced one of the most challenging things in our marriage. My mind is still filled with the unfamiliar street scenes of Tianjin, the strange yet warm home, and vivid images... I'm already sitting in the study room again, nestled in the dim light of my computer, using memories to wake myself up. I remember telling TT, "Seeing the scratches on my husband's back makes me very sad." I really cared then, but now I've forgiven everything... I remember telling C before leaving that neither of us was perfect. We should have treated each other like new partners for those two days, but we cared too much about our own, which is why we were so reserved... C said, "Actually, this is a gradual process, and it's easier for everyone to accept this way..." ...I'm always a theoretical giant, but in reality, I was the most fickle one throughout the whole process, unable to hide my feelings and acting on impulse... Stepping out of their house, I began to regret not having a proper talk with Q. She's a very tolerant woman, much more mature than me, and I like her very much. I'll always remember wearing her pajamas and sleeping in her wedding bed... We should actually be very close friends. 4P is a challenging game, and I mustered up the courage to participate. I gained love and harmony with my husband, and also a lingering sense of unease… Nothing can be perfect for all four people at the same time, without any flaws. So, whether it's regret or happiness, what matters most is that it's in the past and we've experienced it. Everyone says the first step is hard, but once you take it, it's over… Sometimes, looking back, it feels like a sudden shock. Looking back at 3P, I think the woman was actually happiest at that moment. To be honest, I really hope to experience it again, because 3P doesn't make another woman cry. Moving from one step to another, and looking back, understanding doesn't need words; everything falls into place naturally. This is how practice and theory are repeatedly proven. In just one month, we suddenly tried everything, and I felt extremely uneasy, like a child who has stolen too much, filled with fear. Therefore, we hope to have a quiet period of life, or rather, to live with a contemplative attitude. We need to revisit our love and cherish our family and children. ...A half-hidden moon peeked through the window, and in this cool early morning, I felt as if I were seeing a pair of eyes watching me, so clear and bright, and I was deeply moved... I think my writing will also disappear for a while, because it's obvious I don't know what to say anymore; I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. I hope the men who have watched over me will still cherish me, offering me a shoulder to lean on and a chest to hold my tears... I also hope that every night, or when the world is asleep, I will see a pair of clear eyes that belong only to me, watching only me... gazing at me from afar, offering me limited comfort.Talking to "Mood" online felt like meeting family; all the unspeakable grievances welled up inside me… They comforted me, guided me, even scolded me, but no matter what, they were doing it for my own good. That was the best gift I received that day… "Mood" even called to comfort me and listen to my troubles… My husband saw me chatting and smiled tolerantly; he knew I was seeking comfort, something he couldn't give me. During dinner, C carefully served his wife rice, picked out food, poured drinks, and even cleaned up the dishes later… He's a good husband; Q is very happy. After lunch, Q and C made love in their room, asking my husband to film them. At the time, I was extremely tolerant (now I think I was being dishonest; I don't know if I can still be considered honest now, haha) and said to my husband, "You three come on, I'll film you." My husband shook his head and told me to watch them. Only then did my pent-up emotions lessen. They were very affectionate and absorbed. Later, they suggested we do it too, saying we should record it together. So, our two families each made love on one bed. We kept to ourselves... But I felt so good, I fainted on top of my husband again... I loved it, I loved my husband so much, and in that moment, I could only accept this kind of love. Later, everyone felt that this went against our original intentions. Yeah, what kind of 4P is this? So, we naturally switched places. I watched my husband moving vigorously on Q, and I smiled broadly. Q's moans grew louder, and C asked, "Is it good?" Q didn't have time to answer... I felt like an audience member... even though C was working hard on top of me... C ejaculated. I looked at my husband, and he glanced back at me before finishing quickly as well. Q lay on the bed for a long time, too weak to move, and C gently stroked her the whole time... C made porridge for dinner, which we ate well. Afterwards, Q had work to do and went to the inner room, while the three of us watched a DVD outside. It was "The Pianist." Although I had heard of it a long time ago, this was the first time I had seen it, and it was indeed very good. They have a lot of good movies; C has a hobby of collecting them. The scene was beautiful. I sat between them, next to my husband, with a slice of watermelon C had cut in front of me. There was no lighting, only the flickering light from the TV screen following the plot… We chatted happily… C's left hand gently caressed my buttocks, moving very lightly through my pajamas… After "The Pianist" ended, C put on another movie. This time, my husband's fingers probed inside me. He looked at me in surprise; I knew he was asking why I was so wet down there. I smiled shyly, and his fingers became restless, with a mischievous grin… I involuntarily twisted my body, leaning my upper body towards C. C responded, and my husband made his move from behind… At that moment, I felt incredibly alluring, because I was simultaneously and freely displaying myself in front of two men… Because we were on the sofa, perhaps C was still thinking about his wife, so the matter ended there. By the time Q came out, we were already sitting there properly watching TV. However, after Q came over, she asked C in surprise, "Where are your pants?" C awkwardly pointed to the condoms on the coffee table with her foot and said, "I gave them to them." Q didn't say anything; I could tell she was angry. I didn't say anything and pretended not to notice. At the same time, I noticed that my husband hadn't had time to put on his pants either… Q went into the bedroom, and C went in after her. I felt Q needed comforting, so my husband and I went in together. Q was lying on the bed, and C was chatting and video chatting with someone online. So we joined in. Later, my husband and I were chatting while they were making love on the bed… Later, at a friend's request, we put on a show. But we were still just friends, even though we were on the same bed. Near the end, to prove how exciting it was to others (at least that's what I thought), we switched places. Q was moaning with pleasure again, and C took her hand and asked, "Was it good, baby?" He kissed the back of her hand repeatedly… My husband and I looked at each other… I turned my head away… C ejaculated inside me again. My husband moved a few times… Maybe he was afraid of condoms, anyway, there was no result. Netizens said it was exciting, and I think anyone would say the same. Sensory experiences often mask many subtle details. I gave each netizen a shy smile; they only associated it with allure, and that's just how it is—no one's to blame. That night, my husband and I slept together, and we made love perfectly. I experienced multiple orgasms, like a winged angel soaring in heaven… My husband said I was laughing and crying, and my voice was incredibly loud… But honestly, I felt incredibly liberated; I love him to death… We slept very late. We didn't get up until noon, had lunch, and Q had to go out. I shook hands with her to say goodbye, and at my suggestion, my husband hugged her goodbye… At two o'clock, my husband and I said goodbye to C. …Beautiful Tianjin, we left in the afternoon shade… In the blink of an eye, we experienced one of the most challenging things in our marriage. My mind is still filled with the unfamiliar street scenes of Tianjin, the strange yet warm home, and vivid images... I'm already sitting in the study room again, nestled in the dim light of my computer, using memories to wake myself up. I remember telling TT, "Seeing the scratches on my husband's back makes me very sad." I really cared then, but now I've forgiven everything... I remember telling C before leaving that neither of us was perfect. We should have treated each other like new partners for those two days, but we cared too much about our own, which is why we were so reserved... C said, "Actually, this is a gradual process, and it's easier for everyone to accept this way..." ...I'm always a theoretical giant, but in reality, I was the most fickle one throughout the whole process, unable to hide my feelings and acting on impulse... Stepping out of their house, I began to regret not having a proper talk with Q. She's a very tolerant woman, much more mature than me, and I like her very much. I'll always remember wearing her pajamas and sleeping in her wedding bed... We should actually be very close friends. 4P is a challenging game, and I mustered up the courage to participate. I gained love and harmony with my husband, and also a lingering sense of unease… Nothing can be perfect for all four people at the same time, without any flaws. So, whether it's regret or happiness, what matters most is that it's in the past and we've experienced it. Everyone says the first step is hard, but once you take it, it's over… Sometimes, looking back, it feels like a sudden shock. Looking back at 3P, I think the woman was actually happiest at that moment. To be honest, I really hope to experience it again, because 3P doesn't make another woman cry. Moving from one step to another, and looking back, understanding doesn't need words; everything falls into place naturally. This is how practice and theory are repeatedly proven. In just one month, we suddenly tried everything, and I felt extremely uneasy, like a child who has stolen too much, filled with fear. Therefore, we hope to have a quiet period of life, or rather, to live with a contemplative attitude. We need to revisit our love and cherish our family and children. ...A half-hidden moon peeked through the window, and in this cool early morning, I felt as if I were seeing a pair of eyes watching me, so clear and bright, and I was deeply moved... I think my writing will also disappear for a while, because it's obvious I don't know what to say anymore; I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. I hope the men who have watched over me will still cherish me, offering me a shoulder to lean on and a chest to hold my tears... I also hope that every night, or when the world is asleep, I will see a pair of clear eyes that belong only to me, watching only me... gazing at me from afar, offering me limited comfort.

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