How to elevate marital sex life (Part 4)

page views:1 Publication date:2013-03-28

Part Four of the "Couple's Sexual Exchange" Series: The Key to
Effective Sexual Investment
in Couples' Sexual Exchange is "sexual investment," especially proactive and initial investment. However, simply investing isn't enough; all investment must be "appropriate" to be effective. In this regard, men and women often make the opposite mistakes.
Many husbands believe that since the problem lies in their sex life, their investment should be focused more on sexual activity. As a result, some husbands blindly increase the frequency, intensity, and range of sex, even using behaviors unacceptable to their wives. This often proves counterproductive, as it's mismatched with their partner's needs.
In reality, women's sexual psychology is generally characterized by perceiving their husbands' feelings for them within the overall context of marriage and sex, rather than solely focusing on the quality of their sex life. Women tend to integrate sex with all other aspects of their marital life, arriving at a holistic but rather vague overall impression. Furthermore, many wives, especially those who previously lived in relatively closed environments, tend to underestimate the role of sex in marriage and love. Therefore, the extra effort a husband puts into sex is often misunderstood and unappreciated by such wives, and may even be mistaken for him seeking only his own pleasure. Faced with such wives, husbands should focus on other aspects of daily life, starting with small gestures, gradually expressing their understanding and intimacy. This approach is often most effective when starting with things further removed from sexual activity.
Wives, on the other hand, often make the opposite mistake. Many wives sense their husbands' efforts, but they try to reciprocate in other ways. Unfortunately, this good intention often fails to move their husbands, especially younger ones. As a result, some wives begin to believe their husbands are unfaithful, making the situation even more uncontrollable.
This is because men and women often have very different ways of thinking about their sex lives. Men tend to view sex as a separate and independent matter, easily making judgments based solely on its quality. They certainly know that the quality of sex is directly related to marital status and the level of affection, but they also often believe that sexual problems can and must be solved through sex. Therefore, they might feel that their wives' reciprocation in other areas is superficial, irrelevant, or even pretentious. As a result, while the wife feels the entire marriage is wonderful, the husband might feel that only their sex life is a source of unspeakable suffering.
Resolving such gender differences is not something that can be done overnight. However, both partners should ask each other about their feelings, opinions, expectations, and dissatisfactions regarding sex. Isn't this the same principle as asking about the price in any exchange?

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