How to enhance marital sex life - Part 5

page views:1 Publication date:2013-03-28

Part 5 of the "Couple Sexual Exchange" series:
Lower Yourself a Little.
In couple sexual exchange, one party must take the initiative to invest and give, or make concessions, for the exchange to continue and achieve the desired effect.
This principle is probably understood by all couples. However, many couples often unconsciously make two mistakes in practice:
First, they change "one party must give" to "who should give? You or me?"
The second mistake is changing "taking the initiative" to "who should give."
As a result, even couples with a good relationship can inevitably experience some dissatisfaction due to issues related to "sexual exchange."
For example, when a wife is mentally exhausted or distracted, although she senses her husband's sexual needs, she often complains inwardly: "I'm so tired, can't you be more understanding?" She clearly believes that her husband "should" give more at this time. But many husbands at this time are thinking: "Although I know you're tired, men still need sex. Can't you accommodate me a little?" He clearly believes that his wife "should" give at this time. If two people can openly discuss sex, the debate might start with "who should contribute," then escalate to the differences between male and female libido, and even reach broader issues like gender equality. This is still a good outcome. If both partners bottle up their complaints, the accumulated negativity can easily lead to problems.
Why do we always emphasize what the other person "should" do, while vehemently defending our own lack of initiative? This is probably because, in a marital relationship, we unconsciously place ourselves above our partner, prioritizing our own needs.
In fact, whether from a psychological perspective or through everyday observation, we can observe that in any conflict, the person who lowers their stance is more likely to gain the upper hand in resolving the conflict. In wrestling, lowering one's center of gravity makes movements more stable and solid. In business negotiations, starting with one's minimum demands makes it easier to persuade the other party to make necessary concessions. In interpersonal relationships, the "weaker" are generally not seen as enemies, and their existence often objectively forces the "stronger" to show tolerance, understanding, and care.
Similarly, when couples have sexual conflicts, if they lower their expectations and first consider what they "should" do, even regarding this "should" be their obligation, then: first, they will be more likely to understand and empathize with their partner's predicament; second, neither of them will be able to get angry, and an argument will be avoided; third, their partner will also have to think about their own "should," even if they don't say it or think about it at the time, this feeling of "owing" will inevitably arise. Isn't this much better than arguing or holding a grudge?

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