How to enhance marital intimacy - Part Six

page views:1 Publication date:2013-03-28

The sixth installment in the "Couple's Sexual Exchange" series:
"A Clear Account" for Couples
. To put it bluntly, sexual exchange between spouses, like any other exchange, must not only be equal and voluntary, but both parties should also have a clear, shared account.
This "account" may not be written down, but it must exist in both partners' minds. This account has two elements: clarity and shared ownership.
Clarity doesn't mean recording every single detail, but rather that each partner should have a clear overall sense of their own investment and the other's contribution in their sexual life. For example, some husbands only complain about their wives' "frigidity," without mentioning what their wives have contributed, even minimally; nor do they consider areas for improvement. Can this account be clear? Conversely, some wives dwell on their own grievances, seemingly implying their husbands have never contributed anything. Isn't this a muddled account? If one's own account is unclear, yet one tries to "settle accounts" with the other, it will only lead to a chaotic battle, resulting in mutual harm.
Having a clear account is not enough; mutual acknowledgment is also necessary. If the two parties are harmonious in other aspects of their lives, the best and simplest approach is to be direct—to say the right thing at the right time, in the right tone, and with the right content. If neither party is yet accustomed to direct conversation, they can try "reflective communication," which involves conveying or implying their thoughts by discussing others, stories in books or movies. If there has already been some distance between them, they can intentionally orchestrate a minor argument, using "angry words" as a cover to vent their true feelings. As long as it doesn't hurt feelings, the other party will reflect on these words afterward. This achieves the purpose of communication. Of course, if the conflict between the two parties is already deep, then mutual acknowledgment becomes difficult. However, for either party, a "last supper" style of directness is equally advisable. It not only offers a glimmer of hope for reconciliation but also helps turn the page and face choices anew.
However, it's important to note that "directness" doesn't mean simply rambling on and on. Anyone with rich life experience knows that with those closest to you, a direct confrontation is less effective than a more indirect approach. For example, you can start by talking about daily life or relationships with family and friends, first making the other person aware of some worries, then gradually steer the conversation towards shared activities for couples, such as cooking. Finally, subtly hint at other things... If the other person still doesn't understand, it's better to stop there and try again next time. This might be annoying, and it certainly requires new effort, but when you finally guide them, they'll acknowledge both old and new grievances, resulting in greater rewards.

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