The battle between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law in ancient times

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It's often said that mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are natural enemies, but what was the relationship like between them in ancient times? What tricks would a mother-in-law use to make things difficult for her daughter-in-law? And what strategies would a daughter-in-law employ to retaliate?
The relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law in ancient times was quite interesting. Because free love wasn't encouraged, 90% of daughters-in-law were chosen by their mothers-in-law. However, this "love at first sight" didn't prevent mothers-in-law from finding fault with their daughters-in-law after marriage. If the son was unfaithful and took concubines, neglecting his wife, the mother-in-law would discipline him to prevent him from favoring his concubines over his wife; but if the daughter-in-law and son had a good relationship, the daughter-in-law would become a thorn in the mother-in-law's side. There's an old saying, "A daughter-in-law endures many years to become a mother-in-law," meaning the happier the daughter-in-law, the more unbalanced the mother-in-law felt: "We're both women, why are you so carefree?" This led to even harsher treatment of the daughter-in-law, creating a vicious cycle. Therefore, in the eyes of ancient daughters-in-law, their mothers-in-law were absolutely monsters.
The most famous mother-in-law and daughter-in-law pair in history was Lu You's mother and Tang Wan. Lu You and his cousin Tang Wan were a universally acknowledged loving couple. However, because they were so inseparable, Lu You's mother disliked Tang Wan intensely. Although Tang Wan was gentle and filial, her mother-in-law still forced her to divorce Lu You. After remarrying, Tang Wan died in despair. Faced with such an unreasonable mother-in-law, a daughter-in-law is destined to be cannon fodder.
In ancient times, for a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to have a good relationship, the daughter-in-law had to be submissive and have the resolve to transform into a ninja turtle. Otherwise, it would be a piece of cake for the mother-in-law to torment her. The first of the "seven grounds for divorce" was "disobedience to parents." A daughter-in-law who dared to defy her mother-in-law either had a very powerful family or was a time traveler or reincarnated—purely a product of romance novelists' fantasies.
A shrewd mother-in-law would never resort to such brutal methods as beatings. By using the tactic of "establishing rules," 80% of daughters-in-law would be rendered powerless. In wealthy families, after the new bride's three-day homecoming, the mother-in-law would begin to establish strict rules for her: the mother-in-law would sit, the daughter-in-law would stand; the mother-in-law would eat, the daughter-in-law would watch. Only after the mother-in-law finished eating could the daughter-in-law sit down to eat a bite of leftovers, and before she could even swallow, she would have to get up again to serve her tea and water. By the end of the day, her heels would ache as if pricked by needles. "Hmph, dare disobey your mother-in-law? Then you'll be bound by these rules until you die!
" The second way the mother-in-law made things difficult for her daughter-in-law was by forcing her to sleep. Usually, before dawn, the daughter-in-law had to get up and pay her respects to her mother-in-law. The mother-in-law remained silent inside, and the daughter-in-law couldn't wake her—she was there to pay her respects, how could she disturb her mother-in-law's sleep? She certainly couldn't leave; if she dared to slip away without her mother-in-law's permission, did she even respect her mother-in-law? Therefore, the daughter-in-law could only stand on the veranda, waiting patiently. In summer, it was manageable; at most, she might get heatstroke. But in winter, it was terrible; a cold could be fatal. Even if the daughter-in-law died because of this, her family wouldn't say a word. Isn't it normal for an elderly person to occasionally oversleep?
Besides these, the mother-in-law would also send disobedient daughters-in-law to temples to chant sutras and pray for her, essentially a form of exile. The daughter-in-law couldn't even plead for mercy; she didn't even want to pray for her mother-in-law—how unfilial! When the daughter-in-law and son were too close, the mother-in-law would bestow a senior maid upon her son to share his affections. This senior maid usually represented the mother-in-law's face; she couldn't be hit or scolded, and the daughter-in-law was filled with resentment but helpless. Like Yuanyang in *Dream of the Red Chamber*, even a young master like Baoyu would call her "sister." If she were willing to become Jia She's concubine, Madam Xing would never dare to lay a finger on her. Another way to inflict pain on the daughter-in-law was for the mother-in-law to take her eldest grandson to raise, ensuring the child would only be close to his grandmother when he grew up. This method required little investment, was quick, and lasted a long time, enough to make the daughter-in-law suffer for the rest of her life. In short, as long as "filial piety" was the selling point, even a daughter-in-law with seventy-two transformations couldn't escape the mother-in-law's grasp.
However, facing a formidable mother-in-law, the daughter-in-law wasn't entirely without options. The most important way to elevate one's status is to try and have a son. Once pregnant, a daughter-in-law can instantly go from humble beginnings to a socialite. Rules and regulations are usually unnecessary; the mother-in-law will pamper her with good food and drink. At this point, the daughter-in-law can make requests—to see her mother, go on a Buddhist pilgrimage, or enjoy some delicacies—and as long as they're not too outrageous, they'll usually get their way.
A clever daughter-in-law is also adept at leveraging connections. For example, she can frequently attend high-society banquets, using the opportunity to get to know wealthy ladies, perhaps even becoming their godmother, thus enhancing her own status. Later, out of respect for the "godmother," the mother-in-law will likely show some deference and won't harm her.
However, there are always exceptions, and some mothers-in-law run into trouble. If the daughter-in-law comes from a powerful and influential family, the mother-in-law's life won't be so comfortable. The most difficult situation is marrying a princess. In ancient times, the princess was the "ruler," and the mother-in-law was the "subject." The mother-in-law had to bow and scrape before her daughter-in-law—a truly humiliating experience! Women from wealthy families are not to be trifled with. You might be disciplining your daughter-in-law at home, but within days, your father-in-law will teach your son-in-law a lesson. For the sake of their sons' futures, mothers-in-law often have no choice but to swallow their anger. The most typical example is Aunt Xue and Xia Jingui in *Dream of the Red Chamber*. Because the Xue family had fallen on hard times and relied on the Xia family's money, Xia Jingui dared to stand up to her mother-in-law and argue, leaving Aunt Xue furious and helpless.
In ancient mother-in-law/daughter-in-law conflicts, men rarely played a positive role. The vast majority of men would side with their mothers; wives could be replaced at any time, but mothers were irreplaceable. Occasionally, some men, out of concern for their wives, would bravely speak up for them, only escalating the conflict. During these battles, men would usually hide away drinking alone, or perhaps indulging in debauchery.
This conflict continues to this day, still raging. Fortunately, the status of mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is becoming increasingly equal, and daughters-in-law are no longer easily kicked out of their homes for disagreements with their mothers-in-law. More importantly, more and more men understand that they play the biggest role in the battle between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and no longer act as tragic mediators.

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