My teacher loves me even more than my mother

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-23

I attended a nursing school in my small hometown. I was 18, a graceful and youthful age. In this final year before graduation, all the girls were in relationships, as if everyone felt their youth was slipping away and they needed to experience something to look back on. Those who seemed as calm and collected as me were extremely rare. My roommates said, "Xian, you really live up to your name! Life is short, why are you just sitting around doing nothing? Aren't you afraid of regretting it later? Lots of boys are after you, pick one!"
I always remained silent. No one knew that I wasn't just sitting around; I was waiting for someone, waiting for his answer, or perhaps the answer was already there, just waiting for him to announce it. That person—I will never reveal his real name, even now I want to tell him a secret I've kept hidden for years.
I'll just call him Shengyu.
In the second semester of my sophomore year at nursing school, our former advisor, Teacher Lin, was preparing for graduate school entrance exams and said he wouldn't be teaching our class anymore. One day in class, a man who looked a bit like Takeshi Kaneshiro walked into the classroom and went to the podium. He wore thin-rimmed glasses, the lenses reflecting a clear light, and he was very refined. He said he would temporarily be our counselor.
His name was Shengyu. He not only temporarily filled in for Ms. Lin, but also taught her classes. Rumor had it that Ms. Lin and Shengyu were a couple and had a very good relationship. I always felt nauseous during anatomy class, and Shengyu noticed, comforting me like an older brother. He said, "Life is fragile, that's why it's so difficult. You're learning the skills to save those in distress; you should have more compassion in your heart."
Shengyu's words reminded me of my father, and my eyes instantly welled up with tears. My father, in the prime of his life, suffered years of hardship because of his upright character. He finally became a factory manager, ready to make a big difference and revive the half-dead fertilizer plant, but he was in a car accident while running for a loan. How much resentment must he have felt? He was the person who loved me most in this world, even more than my mother, but I will never see him again.
After that, I paid more attention to Shengyu, and a strange feeling stirred within me. Shengyu loved wearing faded jeans and beige or gray-white striped t-shirts, with a carefree air. Shengyu was a great teacher, and he had many fans in our class, especially the girls who asked him a lot of questions. One of the more outgoing girls jokingly said that just looking at him made her drool. But sometimes I would drift off during Shengyu's class, imagining him alone with Teacher Lin. I never dared to look him in the eye. Even if I was staring at him, I would quickly look away when I realized he was looking at me. I never asked him any questions, even if I had a hundred questions in my mind. He seemed to sense this and asked me instead, "Is there a problem?" "
No, nothing," I said.
At the start of our third year, Teacher Lin was admitted to the graduate program at China Medical University, and Shengyu officially became our counselor. The girls all said that although Shengyu and Teacher Lin had a good relationship, lovers should only be apart for short periods, otherwise, problems would definitely arise. I sincerely hoped that Shengyu could be happy, but their speculation also made me feel relieved. After the relief came self-reproach because I discovered my own unspeakable thoughts.
The girls' words were finally confirmed, but I didn't expect it to happen so quickly. In May 2003, my last early summer before graduation, Ms. Lin returned, looking radiant and refreshed. She was accompanied by a young white man, supposedly a Russian who had studied at a medical university in China. Although Ms. Lin's parents both taught at the university, and her home was on campus, making her return perfectly natural, I still felt it was ostentatious, and a resentment towards her grew within me.
Upon reflection, I realized that resentment wasn't mine, but Shengyu's; I was helping Shengyu hate. My own part, however, felt a strange joy.
We grew closer, and in the moonlight, he reached out and held my waist, and I leaned into his arms.
At that time, I was interning at a town hospital on the outskirts of the city. We were almost graduating, just waiting for our thesis defenses and the farewells at the graduation party. For nursing school students, job placement was difficult; staying in the city was almost impossible. Everyone was pursuing their own paths.
I pieced together the details of Ms. Lin and Shengyu's complete separation, and unable to concentrate on my internship, I found an opportunity to sneak back to school.
Shengyu lived in a temporary building, one of those old-fashioned tenement buildings where single teachers lived. That night, I went downstairs. I knew he lived in room 407, but I'd never been there before. The room numbers were counted from left to right, so I looked up to find the seventh window on the fourth floor. I counted three times, unsure of myself.
The light was on! My heart was pounding. I hesitated for about twenty minutes before finally mustering the courage to climb to the fourth floor, walk to the door of room 407, and knock. I did the whole thing—going upstairs and knocking—in one continuous motion; I had to, otherwise I wouldn't have the courage. "
Come in!" a voice said from inside. It was Shengyu. I pushed the door open. Shengyu was startled to see me, this unexpected guest, and then said, "Hello, Xian, aren't you doing your internship? Is something wrong?"
Only then did I realize how stupid I'd been to barge in without even thinking of a reason.
"It's nothing," I said. "I'm just going back to school for a short trip. I'll be back at my internship hospital tomorrow. I just got downstairs, and…"
I wanted to bite my tongue off. I had so much to say, but I couldn't say anything. I chose to run away. I heard Shengyu say behind me, "Xian, jobs are hard to find. Don't be careless during your internship. Remember what's most important right now."
What's most important? The uncertain future ahead? Or the unclear love in my heart? Did Shengyu understand why I came here? But did he even know who I was? I was just one face among countless faces in the classroom, just one name among countless names on the answer sheet. And I didn't know him either. I only knew he was a young man who graduated from Beijing. He could have stayed in Beijing, but he chose to give it up to pursue love, and then love abandoned him.
Graduation arrived quickly as scheduled. As a counselor, Shengyu also attended the graduation party. That night, we all went crazy. Many girls,
like me, drank beer for the first time ever. Shengyu had an amazing capacity for alcohol and never refused a toast. I was constantly worried he would pass out, but he remained cheerful and talkative.
After the party, we walked home in twos and threes, supporting each other. The night was beautiful, the moon casting shadows of the trees on the road. Halfway home, I excused myself to visit a friend and turned back.
Less than two months later, I remember clearly, it was day 49, I knocked on the same door again. It was night again, in the dimly lit corridor of the tenement building. I knew that if I didn't knock on this door now, I would never have the chance again
. The same words, "Come in." I pushed open the door. The lights were off, the room filled with the smell of alcohol and a sense of decadence, moonlight streaming in through the window. This was a scene I had imagined countless times. I casually closed the door; it was one of those locks with rounded handles, which locked with a single press. I gently pressed down, heard the crisp sound, and knew I had locked myself into an unknown world.
"Xian, is that you?"
I didn't answer. I quietly approached the person sitting at the table. We drew closer and closer. In the moonlight, he reached out and held my waist. I leaned against him, and he held me tightly as we fell onto the bed beside us.
I was unconscious; the situation was completely out of control. I hadn't even tried to control myself. I opened myself up completely, using every part of my body to feel his hands, his lips, and his masculine strength. He pressed down on me, as if to crush me. I could hear his heavy breathing. In the final moment, he suddenly stopped, took a deep breath, and then got up from the bed.
No! This isn't right. I like you, but you're still young. You have an infinite world ahead of you. Go.
As the room suddenly went dark, I thought about that night before graduation when I thought, "
Go." Those words lingered in my mind for a long time, but I didn't hate him at all. Before me lay an infinite world. His words weren't wrong, but was love wrong?

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