My first love was in junior high school.

page views:1 Publication date:2023-03-23

Let's start with my first love. Although most people wouldn't consider first love true love, that innocent and pure emotion has always shaped my sexuality in a way that's different from most people's. For me, pure love, or what I perceive as true love, is my first love. I won't analyze or discuss whether my first love was one-sided or incomplete. I'll just tell my personal story of love and sex from the first 30 years of my life. My writing skills are limited,

so please bear with me. This is my first post, and I haven't written anything in almost ten years, so the formatting and narrative will definitely be terrible and messy. Please forgive me. Junior high school is where I met my first love. I don't know if unrequited love and first love are the same thing, but I'll assume they are for now, otherwise, I can't begin this series of stories. Baiyan was my unrequited love. Based on my current understanding, I think Baiyan had feelings for me in junior high. Baiyan and I were in the same grade, and our classrooms were separated by a wall. Actually, I first met Baiyan in a competition in sixth grade. I thought her face looked a lot like a female star from TV shows and movies, so I always remembered what she looked like. My psychology definitely led to precocious puberty. Back then, the elements in my diet and nutrition weren't that severe; perhaps romantic dramas had a bigger influence, but I can't compare to sixth graders today. I never imagined I'd see Baiyan again in junior high, in the same school and grade. I'd secretly watch her during recess, observing her. The symptoms of unrequited love were always there; the bitterness of unrequited love was intense. I couldn't control the impulse. The mixed feelings of surprise, excitement, fear, disappointment, and hope—the "first love bubble syndrome"—was a beautiful experience of youth. Anyone who has experienced the anxiety and uncertainty of first love, and the beautiful self-doubt, will understand the wonderful feeling. Because there were no teachers to guide us, we were always at a loss. What a beautiful state, full of naivety and innocence! Back then, I consulted older classmates and my older brother, who all gave me advice, suggesting I write letters to Baiyan. I was constantly torn between writing and not writing; my repressed desires couldn't overcome my rationality, and as a result, I never wrote Baiyan a single letter during my middle school years. There might have been rumors that she overheard my feelings. At the time, my grades were quite good, and I was highly regarded by my homeroom teacher, so I didn't dare to date. If I had, I knew I would have been criticized by my teachers and parents. As it turned out, my thinking was correct. One Saturday, after returning home, I told my mother that I had fallen for a girl in my grade, a girl named Baiyan. My mother immediately berated me, saying I was being irresponsible, that I was too young to be thinking such things, and that my family had worked hard to send me to school. I regretted telling my mother. I had considered telling my teacher, but after seeing my mother's lecture, I didn't dare. Actually, my homeroom teacher was probably more capable than my mother, but I was scared at the time, so I felt depressed and helpless all by myself. Parents always worry about their children. My mother's methods might have been flawed, but I don't blame her for not knowing how to guide me; that's just how things were back then. My homeroom teacher was a very beautiful teacher. I remember once when I had a fever, she took care of me like family. Actually, I loved my homeroom teacher (I respected and liked her, but it was different from my feelings for Baiyan). I really wanted to talk to her about my feelings for Baiyan, but I never said it. Because of that little incident when I had a fever. One day, my homeroom teacher came to the infirmary to see me. I was getting an IV drip, and she touched my head to check if I still had a fever. When she leaned down to touch me, I saw something amazing. She was wearing a plaid short-sleeved shirt, I think it was black plaid, and a long skirt, I can't remember the color, but my homeroom teacher liked wearing long skirts. The scene unfolded like this: when the homeroom teacher bent down, the seam between the buttons of her clothes was pulled open, and I saw milky white flesh—I guess it was cleavage. I was shocked; her skin was practically snow-white. I could clearly see the shape of her breasts, though I couldn't see the nipples or their full form. This kind of glimpse would be enough to kill any man. Luckily, my understanding of women's bodies was still hazy at the time, but I was filled with curiosity and a desire to peep. By today's standards, my homeroom teacher would probably be a C or D cup, but that day she definitely wasn't wearing a bra. I'm absolutely certain of it. Without exaggeration, if I hadn't had a fever, I wouldn't have been able to hide my shyness and anticipation at this unexpected encounter. The homeroom teacher obviously noticed me looking at her. She simply straightened her clothes, then helped me up, told me to rest, and patted my head to comfort me. I was genuinely worried that she would scold me like my mother would. After that incident, I became even more embarrassed to tell my homeroom teacher that I liked Baiyan. At that time, I really wanted to focus on my studies, but I couldn't help myself. Ah, the restlessness of adolescence! Because of the hazy, expectant, and confused feelings, my desire for women and sex reached a peak of fervent longing. In junior high, whenever I saw the words "adultery," "lewdness," or "sex" in the dictionary, my penis would instinctively get erect. Perhaps I was too sensitive or too sexually imaginative, but these things really happened to me. Back then, I would sexually fantasize about my first love, Baiyan. After that little incident, I would also fantasize about my homeroom teacher. I had all sorts of fantasies about having sex. These fantasies probably greatly satisfied my strong desire for sex and women at the time, and they relieved a lot of the pressure I felt about sex during junior high. Looking back now, those feelings were still wonderful. After experiencing them, for better or for worse, youth is always perfect.

Dongwen and I were classmates, and the top students in our class. Dongwen and Shiping were deskmates. Shiping was a bit of a pervert around our generation (most of our classmates were born around 1980). Back then, Shiping was the kind of guy who would read *Jin Ping Mei* with his hands. I don't know if Shiping, as a junior high school student, could understand *Jin Ping Mei*. I've never read *Jin Ping Mei* to this day. I think Shiping only read the explicit scenes, but I don't know which version. When it got really cold, the two boys in the dormitory liked to sleep together at night. The boys liked to push their beds together, and sleeping together caused us a lot of suffering from skin diseases. The point isn't the skin diseases, but that our shared sleeping behavior back then led to what we now call "gay" behavior. I don't know who initiated the masturbation between Shiping and Dongwen, but they were the two boys who started masturbating before me. I think it was probably Shiping who taught Dongwen, since Shiping was a pervert who had even read *Jin Ping Mei*. Most boys in school probably lost their virginity during puberty in junior high school; it's fair to say that most people experience their first masturbation in junior high. I can't remember which day or how many times Dongwen and I slept together, but it was so cold we couldn't stand it anymore, so we usually huddled together for warmth, two blankets folded together were really cozy. One day, the topic of sex came up in our dorm. Unfortunately, the age range in our class was quite wide, with classmates born around 1978. They had heard or experienced more than the younger students; school was a big melting pot. The novel topics my classmates were discussing made me hard. Dongwen's hands roamed over my body; he had touched me before, and I felt comfortable with it, so I didn't stop him. I also had the idea of using him to imitate having sex with a woman. I told Dongwen that I had never ejaculated, but he didn't believe me. At that time, I truly knew what it felt like not to ejaculate. Dongwen went on and on, then started stimulating my penis. At first, I didn't feel anything, then I felt a strange surge, a slight sensation like my legs were about to cramp. It was a very comfortable yet strange feeling that intensified. I had never truly experienced anything like it before. Dongwen sped up his movements. I don't know how many times per minute he was moving, but it felt faster and faster. Finally, my glans went numb, and an unprecedented sensation spread throughout my body. That feeling was pleasure. Waves of intense pleasure then retreated to my groin, like an electric current running from my feet to my scalp. A surge of heat boiled in my urethra, bursting out of my urethra, finally spraying all over the blanket. It was a very sticky liquid. This is male ejaculation, or orgasm. Actually, I had experienced this feeling before, in a wet dream. My experience in the dream was milder, and because it was inexplicable, it wasn't as intense as Dongwen's stimulation. I never knew or paid attention to whether my underwear was wet before. Men's ejaculation isn't as obvious as a woman's first period. For a long time after that first time, I embarked on a path of no return—masturbation. I spent that time struggling with guilt and agonizing over my studies. I knew how to fantasize back then, though I didn't know what to call it. I'd imagine having sex with Baiyan and then masturbating, and I'd also think about my homeroom teacher. If she wore leggings to class, I'd stare intently at her buttocks and genitals after each class, and then fantasize again. After that first explicit masturbation experience, I became even bolder and clearer in my fantasies about having sex with Baiyan or my homeroom teacher at night. Thankfully, fantasizing isn't a crime; although I felt guilty, I still fantasized contradictorily, and occasionally I'd masturbate while indulging in those fantasies. For students without sex education or guidance from teachers or parents, the pathetic state of their sexuality during puberty is truly laughable. Even today, sex education in schools remains a blank, still in a period of stagnation. When will this difficult issue be properly taught to students? Fifteen years have passed, and I've inquired with friends at my junior high school, and they still aren't entirely open about sex education; it's still not a formally taught subject.

As for Baiyan, I've only ever fantasized about her. God forgive me; I hope she won't find out. I think I interacted with her two or three times in junior high. Once, I pretended to borrow my cousin's math book to strike up a conversation with her. I know my voice was probably trembling, but I could also sense that Baiyan's voice was trembling too. I can't verify it, but perhaps she was very calm because she probably knew I liked her, so I felt inferior. I randomly flipped through a book—I don't even know if it was my cousin's math book—and rushed out of the classroom. Afterward, I let out a long sigh of relief. I didn't even really look at Baiyan's face; my heart was pounding and my breathing was erratic. That was our first real conversation. Later, we had the experience of being in the same classroom during a math competition, but we didn't get to talk. I remember seeing her big, bright eyes and pretty face, but I didn't really like her voice when she answered questions; it sounded a bit old. During that time, I would secretly watch her at various sports meets and go to places she frequented. I remained quietly infatuated, and the days passed by like that, one after another, and several semesters flew by. After the high school entrance exam results came out, I went to pick up my report card. Baiyan was also in the principal's office. I couldn't find anything to talk about, so I thought of borrowing her pen to fill out some forms. She happily lent it to me. I don't know if I thanked Baiyan then, but I remember happily riding my bike home from school that day, a full 15 kilometers. Among my junior high classmates, I know that Dongwen and several boys from Baiyan's class liked her. But in our generation (1993-1996), those with relatively good grades could only keep their feelings to themselves, cautiously masturbating and fantasizing about their first love. That was probably the only way we could end our junior high school years. Ah! My first love, Baiyan. Although junior high was over, my longing for my first love didn't end, and my thoughts of Baiyan didn't cease.

[The End]

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My first love was in junior high school.

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