I'm a respectable woman; I never even dreamed of cheating, yet I did.

page views:1 Publication date:2016-04-20

Yes. We often make excuses for ourselves, saying that certain reasons led to our infidelity, but it's really just our own inner demons at work! My husband was my first man. As my colleague said, I'm the most dangerous type because I've never experienced another man's charm, so I'm tempted to try. Maybe she's right. I used to be very resistant to any contact from men other than my husband, not even a joke or a touch of the hand. My colleagues all thought I was very upright. Because of work, I've met several men who have explicitly or implicitly expressed interest in me, but I've always felt extremely disgusted. Now, thinking back, maybe it really was just a matter of the initial infatuation fading. Perhaps all women have a restless, uneasy feeling, especially a "receptive" woman like me. What I find most unbearable is a man's unconditional and continuous kindness... Last winter, bored out of my mind, I downloaded a chat app (I won't go into details, you all know what I mean, mainly to avoid sounding like an ad, but it's the kind where you can search for nearby people and chat, and you can see the distance). Actually, I never initiated conversations on that app, and when others tried to chat with me, I was indifferent, never met in person, and would change the subject if it was sensitive. If they insisted on chatting, I'd either ignore them or block them. It wasn't for any particular reason, just pure boredom. Later, I accidentally joined a group chat. It was full of young people around 20 years old, chatting away, very lively. I was immediately drawn in and joined in. Because I'm a few years older than them, they all called me Sister L. One time, while chatting with the younger girls about travel, he appeared. He was a veteran in the group, and the girls all liked chatting with him because he was knowledgeable, had traveled extensively, and often brought food back for everyone. Girls, you know, are easy to please; a little snack is all it takes to win someone over. Hehe. He was on his way to G city at the time. I checked the distance—454 kilometers—and casually asked, "You should be near C city now, right?" He was surprised. I said I used to travel a lot, so I've been to many places and know how tough it is. He immediately felt like he'd found a kindred spirit. (Later, he said that the kids in the group all seemed like they hadn't grown up, but I seemed like the kind of person who was very caring and warm. My husband has said the same thing.) But after a few words, I logged off. A few days later, a girl in the group said she looked terrible with her haircut and was too ashamed to show her face. To comfort her, I posted a picture of myself with short hair that I thought ruined my image. (By the way, we'd been chatting in the group for over a month, and I hadn't met anyone in person. Actually, there were group activities every few days, but I really didn't want to participate, so I'd never shown my face.) He saw it and immediately exclaimed dramatically, "L is so beautiful! I'm drooling!" I scoffed inwardly and logged off, ignoring him. ( Q/ C4 n; P; e( T0Then it became quite cliché: he added me as a friend, occasionally sending greetings and making witty remarks. I consistently ignored him, because I'm a married woman with children. A few times, he even encouraged several young women in the group to find various excuses to visit me at my workplace (my workplace is open to the public, essentially a sales job, just with a slightly more upscale clientele than typical salespeople). After their visits, they bombarded the group chat with comments praising my beauty, which further fueled his desires. He frequently said he'd wait for me at the entrance. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore, and when he said he'd wait for me again, I agreed. After get off work, I asked him to sit down and told him: I'm someone else's wife now, and I'm a mother. My family is happy and fulfilling, and I don't want to cause any trouble. I joined the group chat purely out of boredom. So, I asked him to have some self-respect. (He's 5 years older than me and divorced. Everyone's information is in the group chat.) His answer shocked me. He said, "I knew it. First, your age is a factor; second, you always reject me. Most unmarried girls want to meet as many people as possible, not as resistant as you; third, you're so outstanding, with good qualities in every way, if you're not married, then everyone else is blind." I said, "Then why do you still insist on seeing me?" He said, "It's not that I know, I just like you. I don't want to have anything going on with you, I just want to be good to you. I don't ask for anything in return, and I don't want any promises from you. I just ask that you accept my kindness and not reject me." Deep down, I didn't believe him. My husband often tells me, "Honey, be wary of men who are nice to you. Unsolicited kindness is either a trap or a thief!" So, I didn't respond to him. I got up to go home. He offered to take me, but I refused. He said, "Don't be so defensive, okay? I won't do anything to you!" I still refused and didn't let him take me. It's late, but I really had to get this off my chest! My writing isn't great, but I'll just write down what happened, consider it a confessional. After that meeting, he would often wait for me to get off work, but I usually wouldn't see him and would go home after get off work. Because my work hours are irregular, he often had free time. Whenever I was chatting in the group, he would almost always appear immediately, acting like a lovesick fool, as if he wanted everyone to know. Every time he went on a business trip, he would bring me some local fruit or something. If I didn't want it, he would bring two portions, one for the girl in the group, and then have her send one to me. And it was always the kind of fruit that would spoil in a day or two; if you didn't want it, saying it was him, it would probably be rotten by now. Sometimes he would suddenly have the idea to treat the group members to dinner or bars, on the condition that they all take me along. So I was often "forced" to participate in various group activities. Speaking of which, I have to scold myself: "I'm such a hypocrite!" Knowing it was an abyss, I still went in; knowing the people in the group were being bribed, I didn't know to leave the group? Knowing he had ulterior motives, I still enjoyed his kindness and comforted myself: I won't fall for him. It's not that I haven't scolded him, or that I haven't tried to avoid him, but I just couldn't bring myself to completely cut him off. Maybe deep down, having someone other than my husband treat me well makes me feel good and enjoy it. Imagine if he were to treat me well while making any demands, even something as simple as holding hands, I would refuse outright. But he didn't. Every time, he would quietly bring me something, telling me, "Eat it early, before it spoils," and then leave. Every time I chatted late into the night, he would say, "Go to sleep early, stop playing around," and then stop talking... This went on for months. I finally softened and comforted myself, "Maybe he really just wants to be good to me." So we met alone, but I brought my son. The meeting was a bit awkward. I had pre-ordered two buffet vouchers online because I was treating him, and I was worried he might try to pay the bill, so I decided to book in advance. Anyway, he said he was fine with whatever we ate. Seeing Xiaobao, he didn't seem surprised at all; instead, he appeared delighted and kept playing with him. During the meal, I was busy urging Xiaobao to eat, so we didn't talk much. After the meal, he insisted on buying Xiaobao a gift. I refused, but he picked up Xiaobao and left, so I had to follow him. He bought Xiaobao an electric toy car, the kind a child can sit on and drive. I couldn't take it from him. Deep down, I really didn't want to owe anyone a favor. I really didn't want a stranger to buy my baby toys that cost hundreds or thousands of dollars. I wanted to return the favor, but he said, "I don't need it." I said, "Then I'll buy you some clothes." He said, "Are you my girlfriend? I only wear clothes bought by my girlfriend and wife." I was both angry and resentful, speechless. I felt no joy at having gained anything; all I could think about was how to repay this favor. From then on, I didn't take the child to see him, afraid he would buy him something again. Even when he asked me to take him out for the New Year, I didn't dare. My intuition told me that if he saw Xiaobao, he would definitely give him a red envelope or buy him something. Our relationship remained lukewarm, sometimes we'd eat together, chat, and a few more months passed. Then, during the Lunar New Year, our relationship took a significant turn. He would always say, "I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do." At first, I didn't believe him, but after spending time together a few times, I believed him, and my belief grew stronger. I started telling him things I didn't tell my husband about work or life. That day, also during the Lunar New Year, he said he felt lonely at home and the holiday was dull, so he wanted to go for a walk in the afternoon. I agreed. In the first few days of the holiday, many shops were closed, only a few larger teahouses were open. We found a small private room. As we chatted, he rested his head on my shoulder and said he felt so tired, running around all day, and coming home to a cold, empty house, without even a woman who cared for him. I pushed him away, but he hugged me and said, "Let me hug you, just for a little while." A maternal instinct welled up inside me, and inexplicably, I didn't push him away. He pressed his face against mine and breathed into my ear, "L, I really like holding you like this. Don't push me away, just hold me." I hugged him again, almost as if possessed. And then... and then... and then he kissed me... trying to pry my mouth open with his tongue. Then I pushed him away forcefully, and he looked at me with a very aggrieved expression: "I'm sorry, I couldn't control myself." And then, instead of being angry, I wasn't, and even allowed him to take me home. Ever since he kissed me last time and I wasn't angry, he seems to have figured out my weakness. Playing the victim has worked every time. Actually, I like very manly men, and my husband is a typical handsome man, decisive and with the personality of a northerner. Maybe it's because I haven't had much contact with this type of man that I couldn't resist. This ambiguous relationship continued until one day, my defenses completely collapsed... I won't go into the details of how they collapsed, but in short, I cheated on him. That day I was very tired. The first day I worked overtime from 8 am to almost 2 am, and the second day I worked from 8 am to 6 pm. He picked me up for dinner, gave me a foot bath to relax, and then... then we went to the hotel... I was so exhausted, I could have fallen asleep standing up. Inside, there was a bed, a large one. I hesitated for a moment, but went in anyway. Firstly, I was just too tired to stay awake, and secondly, I seemed to have mentally accepted the situation. I forced my eyes open and sat on the sofa. He said, "Look how exhausted you are! Go wash up and go to sleep." I nodded and went. While showering, I almost couldn't stand; I was so tired I felt like collapsing. After showering, I put on my thermal underwear, wrapped my other clothes around my chest, and came out. I didn't dare look at him, head down, hung my clothes in the closet, and silently crawled into bed, saying, "I'm too tired, I'm going to sleep." He agreed, boiled some water, and then went to shower too. I felt drowsy, wanting to sleep but afraid to. But I eventually succumbed to sleepiness and drifted off. I don't know how much time passed, but I felt someone hug me. I knew it had to be him. I didn't want to be dramatic; we were already at a hotel, it wouldn't be normal for nothing to happen. But I was so exhausted I felt like dying, so I said, "Let me sleep for a bit, please. I'm so tired." He paused for a moment, then let go. I continued sleeping, and after a while, he hugged me again, whispering in my ear, "L, I'm sorry, I know you're tired, but with you lying next to me, I just couldn't control myself."So he started touching me, kissing me, licking me... I tried to push him away with my hands and kick him with my feet, but I was no match for him. First, he was tall and strong, and second, I was already so weak I could barely stand... I turned my back to him, and he pressed his back against mine, hugging me, and said, "L, I'm really so horny, I know you're tired, don't move, I'll do it. I haven't done this in so long..." As he spoke, he started unhooking my bra, taking off my shirt, and began to rub me incessantly with his hands... He breathed into my ear, and his lower body kept thrusting against me. I couldn't help but moan, and as if on command, he rolled over on top of me, kissing my lips and teasing me deeply with his tongue. To be honest, my husband rarely kisses me, even during sex he rarely kisses me deeply. I had never experienced a kiss like this before. I can't describe it, but it felt so good, and it made me want to go even deeper. His hands didn't stop either; soon my pants were down, and his mouth never left me, nor did his hands. Although I subconsciously resisted, I couldn't resist his teasing, and I became aroused... I unconsciously started moaning. | He was very experienced; he was clearly a veteran. His tongue and fingers were incredibly nimble, and I quickly succumbed. Before, when I was with my husband, I was very conservative. He even suspected I was frigid. Even though we slept together every day, I never initiated sex; I always passively accepted it. After giving birth, on the surface, my figure hadn't changed, my waist was flat, everything seemed the same. But anyone who has given birth, especially vaginally, knows that a woman's body changes more than just a little. Especially the breasts and vagina—the two most important areas—one loses elasticity, and the other becomes loose. So, after giving birth to my second child, I felt very insecure, and therefore even less inclined to have sex. I was always afraid my husband would dislike that my figure wasn't as good as before, and that it wouldn't feel as enjoyable. And my husband definitely doesn't seem as infatuated with me as he used to be. But he acts like he's madly infatuated, and I find it very pleasing. Thinking about it now, I can't help but curse myself—how pathetic! So pathetic! Being touched like that by someone else, without feeling ashamed, but instead enjoying it immensely. I really want to slap myself a few times!! He gave me a different feeling than my husband; his kisses, his caresses made me lose myself. After two times, I was severely exhausted, and after washing up, I fell into a deep sleep. In the middle of the night, I was awakened by a nightmare! I jumped up! He asked me what was wrong. I shook my head, afraid to say. I was awakened by a nightmare. I forgot to mention, he didn't wear a condom, saying he wouldn't get pregnant again and that I shouldn't worry. I was terrified. Later, although I was very tired, my head remained in a daze, and I dared not fall into a deep sleep until dawn. I felt like I was truly exhausted, but I only took half a day off, and I still had to go to work in the afternoon. Leaving the hotel, I frantically flagged down a motorcycle and sped off. I wanted the cold wind to wake me up, to wake me from this daze! I yelled at the driver to go faster! The driver said, "You don't care about your life, but I do!" I went home to change clothes and went out to eat. It seemed like God was punishing me; several restaurants I tried were full. I didn't want to wait anymore, and I didn't have the energy. I'd eaten a little something at 7 pm the previous night, and by noon the next day, I hadn't eaten a single grain of rice. Coupled with severe exhaustion, I felt like I was about to collapse. I ran to a roadside eatery, sat down, and ate a bowl of rice noodles. Halfway through, tears streamed down my face. He kept texting and calling me. I didn't want to answer, but I couldn't refuse. He asked where I was and what I was eating. I said, "Don't worry about me, I don't need your help!" He said he'd wait for me at my company. I had no choice but to meet him. He said, "You look terrible. I'm sorry." I said, "Don't say anything more. It's my fault, it has nothing to do with you." He asked if he would see me again. I said no, okay? He said, "I'll be careful. I'll never make you so tired again. I promise I won't text or call you when you're not available, I won't disturb your life, please don't ignore me, okay?" I didn't dare say no. I said, "We'll talk about it later. I have to go to work." Writing this, I'm in so much pain. I don't dare write too much about my feelings, I'm afraid I'll cry. It's been over ten days, but it feels like it happened yesterday. I remember every expression, every tone of voice so clearly. I even remember calling him "husband" so lewdly, saying things like, "Husband, you're so big, so amazing." I don't know what came over me then, it was like that person wasn't me at all. I even doubted if it was a dream.

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I'm a respectable woman; I never even dreamed of cheating, yet I did.

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