Our sexless marriage of over ten years has reached its end.

page views:1 Publication date:2016-08-03

I'm 47 years old, and my child is in elementary school. For years, I've lived a muddled life, not feeling any different from others, and never imagining that my husband of 15 years would be like a stranger, someone I knew nothing about. It all started two years ago.
One day, my husband came home from work and went into the bathroom. His phone kept ringing, so I glanced at it and was shocked to see text messages he exchanged with another woman: "Honey, I'll get back to you later." "I miss you, will we be happy?" The obscene messages were horrifying. Just then, my husband came out of the bathroom, saw me with his phone, and tried to snatch it from me. I refused, and we argued. I demanded an explanation, and he said he was just playing around and it wasn't a big deal. I knew things weren't as simple as he made them out to be. During that time, his phone calls were frequent, and whenever I asked, he always said they were colleagues, just talking about work.
Based on just a few text messages, I couldn't do anything to him. However, looking back on our 15 years of marriage, my husband was only interested in me for the first three years. After that, he always said he was tired and stopped touching me. I also felt that our relationship was abnormal, but I didn't see him doing anything particularly strange on a daily basis, and over time, I got used to it.
Not long after this incident, my sister saw my husband accompanying a young woman to have an abortion at the hospital's obstetrics and gynecology department. My husband looked nervous when he saw my sister and told the woman to hide. He greeted my sister, but his expression was stiff and his attitude was cold, and my sister pretended not to see him. After returning home, my sister told my mother about it. Actually, before this incident, when my mother was helping to take care of my child at our house, she had noticed that my husband was constantly on the phone and had already become suspicious of him. After much deliberation, my mother decided she couldn't keep this from me, so she told me everything about my sister meeting my husband at the OB-GYN. She hoped I would be careful and wary of him, as appearances can be deceiving, and I shouldn't be foolish enough to be deceived by him.
Hearing my mother's words, and recalling the text messages I saw from my husband, I couldn't sleep that night! Later, I secretly checked my husband's phone records and found the number he called most often, so I dialed it. That woman was fierce; she actually cursed at me on the phone and hung up. Two days later, unwilling to give up, I called her again. To my surprise, her tone had changed drastically, and she talked to me at length. I still don't know why she told me those things, but her words truly shocked me.
Actually, the main point I want to tell you isn't about my husband's affair, but what this woman said to me.
Knowing he was using drugs, my feelings were completely different from before.
This woman was a temporary worker at my husband's company; she was young and divorced. She told me that my husband used to frequently borrow money from her and often helped her with chores. Over time, they became familiar and eventually started a relationship. It was precisely because of this closeness that she noticed something was wrong with my husband; he would often spend a long time in the bathroom and come out looking terrible. Later, she learned that my husband had been using drugs with two other colleagues at work.
It was like one crisis after another. My husband was using drugs? This news was a huge blow to me. We had lived together for 15 years, and I had no idea he had been using drugs. The woman spoke with such certainty, and the colleagues she mentioned were indeed very close to my husband. There's no smoke without fire. Although I didn't entirely believe her at the time, recalling the details of our life together, I started to have my doubts.
The woman was right. Looking back over the years, my husband did indeed often spend an unusually long time in the bathroom, and when asked, he would say he was constipated. Besides looking unwell, he often complained of being tired… The details were too numerous to bear. But ever since we got married, my husband has always given me his entire salary, and he doesn't have much pocket money. Where did he get the money for drugs? To verify what that woman said, I went to my husband's workplace.
His boss told me that he had been using drugs before we got married, and the police had investigated his work there, involving him and several other colleagues, but the matter seemed to have been dropped.
Hearing this was like a bolt from the blue; it seemed to be true. I'd been so foolish all these years. Living under the same roof, I had no idea he was doing that kind of thing in the bathroom. I
recalled that when our child was in first grade, my husband had two credit cards with a total limit of tens of thousands of yuan. He told me he lost money gambling with friends, and although I was furious, I believed him. He used our house as collateral for the credit cards, and I had to scrimp and save to pay off the debts before I could get the property deed back. Later, for safety, we transferred the property at his workplace to my name. Although my husband was unwilling, he reluctantly agreed. Now it seems he was clearly deceiving me; the money on his credit card was actually used for drugs. I found a certain drug hidden under his blanket a few times, but at the time I didn't know it was a cheap substitute for drugs for those who couldn't afford them.
The affair, the drug use—the whole truth was laid bare. My husband told me he had stopped using drugs and would break up with that woman. Although he said that, I didn't know if he was telling the truth, and I could never believe him again.
After the storm, things seemed to return to normal at home. He went about his usual routine. I couldn't tell he used drugs, and he didn't seem to do anything unusual around the house. He still gave me his salary, and life went on as before. His relationship with that woman didn't last long, ending in less than a year.
Actually, over the years, my husband has always been a man of few words and rarely showed any concern for the children's studies. Aside from the fact that we don't have a marital relationship, he hands over all his salary to me. I'm not young anymore, and because I was afraid of change, I just made do. But now that I know he's a drug addict, my feelings are completely different.
A sexless marriage, infidelity, drug addiction—why am I still persisting?
You might ask me, why am I still persisting in a sexless marriage, infidelity, drug addiction? Because I have my own compelling reasons.
I married relatively late, at 32. My husband and I were introduced by someone I wasn't very close to. He's handsome, owns a three-bedroom apartment, has a stable job at a large state-owned enterprise, and earns a good salary. We dated for three months before getting married. Looking back now, I don't think I knew him very well. But at the time, if I hadn't chosen him, I would have felt foolish. Who else could I have married if I missed out on such a wonderful opportunity? Besides, when we were dating, he treated me very well and was very generous with money; I felt I hadn't made a mistake. For the first few years of our marriage, our relationship was very good, and we soon had a child. After having a child, I focused more on taking care of the child and the home. Even though my husband gradually lost interest in me, I didn't take it too seriously. After all, I was getting older, and the琐碎事 (trivial matters) at home were enough to keep me busy, so I didn't have many demands on my husband.
Now that I'm middle-aged, this situation has left me feeling conflicted and conflicted. We're still together, but I know in my heart that we might not make it. Although we sleep in the same bed, we each have our own thoughts, which the other may not know. At home, we barely communicate except for essential conversations. Before I knew about his drug use, I thought that at my age, I didn't want to go through all that trouble, and at least he could raise our son with me. But since I found out about his drug use, I feel incredibly insecure. I'm confused about the future, even panicked. I know that drug use is the most wasteful thing. Although he still gives me his salary, if he has a relapse, he can easily borrow money from others. As long as I'm with him, I'll have to help him pay it off.
Although I have a regular job, my income has never been high. With the cost of living so high these days, I don't know if I can afford to support myself and my son after the divorce. Without my husband's income to support us, our lives will be incredibly bleak; it's hard to imagine. Moreover, at my awkward age, what man would be willing to share raising a young child with me?
When I was young, I was the kind of beautiful woman everyone talked about. When I married him, I only saw his glamorous appearance and knew very little about his character. I used to think he was good to the family and the breadwinner, but I never imagined that he would have an affair and become a drug addict. These things have hit me too hard. I'm an introverted person, and I don't know who to tell about my suffering. Knowing there's no hope for the future, I still helplessly continue living under the same roof with him. I don't know what other women would do in my situation. I suffer from insomnia night after night. I don't dare to, and I lack the confidence, to file for divorce. Perhaps this is a case of personality determining fate, a tragic fate.
Reporter's comment:
A marriage without sex or communication for over ten years shows your attitude towards marriage is one of compromise. Now, with the affair and drug addiction following, your dream of a life of compromise has been shattered. In fact, this marriage was already at its end; even fate doesn't want you to continue to compromise.
The crux of the problem is that you are financially dependent on your husband, and your fear of the hardship of raising your child alone after a divorce has significantly lowered your standards. Marriages take many forms, but it's rare to see a woman as careless as you.
I'm 47 years old, and my child is in elementary school. Over the years, I've lived a muddled life, never feeling that my life was any different from others, and I never imagined that my husband of 15 years would be like a stranger,
someone I knew nothing about. It all started two years ago. One day, my husband came home from work and went into the bathroom. Hearing his phone constantly ringing, I glanced at it and was shocked to see text messages he exchanged with another woman: "Honey, I'll reply to you later." "I miss you, will we be happy?" The obscene messages were horrifying. Just then, my husband came out of the bathroom, saw me holding his phone, and tried to snatch it from me. I refused, and we argued. I demanded an explanation, and he said he was just playing around and it wasn't a big deal. I knew things weren't as simple as my husband made them out to be. During that time, his phone calls were unusually frequent. Every time I asked, he said it was a colleague, and they only talked about work.
I couldn't do anything to him based on just a few text messages. However, recalling our 15 years of marriage, only the first three years were he still interested in me. After that, he always said he was tired and stopped touching me. I also felt our relationship was abnormal, but he didn't seem to do anything particularly strange on a daily basis, and over time, I got used to it.
Not long after this, my sister saw my husband accompanying a young woman to an abortion at the hospital's OB/GYN. My husband looked nervous when he saw my sister and told the woman to hide. He greeted my sister, but his expression was stiff and his attitude cold; my sister pretended not to see him. When she got home, my sister told my mother about it. Actually, even before this incident, when my mother was helping take care of my child at our house, she had noticed my husband's constant phone calls and had already become suspicious of him. After much deliberation, my mother decided she couldn't keep this from me, so she told me everything about my sister meeting my husband at the OB-GYN. She hoped I would be careful and wary of him, as appearances can be deceiving, and I shouldn't be foolish enough to be deceived by him.
Hearing my mother's words, and recalling the text messages I saw from my husband, I couldn't sleep that night! Later, I secretly checked my husband's phone records and found the number he called most often, so I dialed it. That woman was fierce; she actually cursed at me on the phone and hung up. Two days later, unwilling to give up, I called her again. To my surprise, her tone had changed drastically, and she talked to me at length. I still don't know why she told me those things, but her words truly shocked me.
Actually, the main point I want to tell you isn't about my husband's affair, but what this woman said to me.
Knowing he was using drugs, my feelings were completely different from before.
This woman was a temporary worker at my husband's company; she was young and divorced. She told me that my husband used to frequently borrow money from her and often helped her with chores. Over time, they became familiar and eventually started a relationship. It was precisely because of this closeness that she noticed something was wrong with my husband; he would often spend a long time in the bathroom and come out looking terrible. Later, she learned that my husband had been using drugs with two other colleagues at work.
It was like one crisis after another. My husband was using drugs? This news was a huge blow to me. We had lived together for 15 years, and I had no idea he had been using drugs. The woman spoke with such certainty, and the colleagues she mentioned were indeed very close to my husband. There's no smoke without fire. Although I didn't entirely believe her at the time, recalling the details of our life together, I started to have my doubts.
The woman was right. Looking back over the years, my husband did indeed often spend an unusually long time in the bathroom, and when asked, he would say he was constipated. Besides looking unwell, he often complained of being tired… The details were too numerous to bear. But ever since we got married, my husband has always given me his entire salary, and he doesn't have much pocket money. Where did he get the money for drugs? To verify what that woman said, I went to my husband's workplace.
His boss told me that he had been using drugs before we got married, and the police had investigated his work there, involving him and several other colleagues, but the matter seemed to have been dropped.
Hearing this was like a bolt from the blue; it seemed to be true. I'd been so foolish all these years. Living under the same roof, I had no idea he was doing that kind of thing in the bathroom. I
recalled that when our child was in first grade, my husband had two credit cards with a total limit of tens of thousands of yuan. He told me he lost money gambling with friends, and although I was furious, I believed him. He used our house as collateral for the credit cards, and I had to scrimp and save to pay off the debts before I could get the property deed back. Later, for safety, we transferred the property at his workplace to my name. Although my husband was unwilling, he reluctantly agreed. Now it seems he was clearly deceiving me; the money on his credit card was actually used for drugs. I found a certain drug hidden under his blanket a few times, but at the time I didn't know it was a cheap substitute for drugs for those who couldn't afford them.
The affair, the drug use—the whole truth was laid bare. My husband told me he had stopped using drugs and would break up with that woman. Although he said that, I didn't know if he was telling the truth, and I could never believe him again.
After the storm, things seemed to return to normal at home. He went about his usual routine. I couldn't tell he used drugs, and he didn't seem to do anything unusual around the house. He still gave me his salary, and life went on as before. His relationship with that woman didn't last long, ending in less than a year.
Actually, over the years, my husband has always been a man of few words and rarely showed any concern for the children's studies. Aside from the fact that we don't have a marital relationship, he hands over all his salary to me. I'm not young anymore, and because I was afraid of change, I just made do with this. But now that I know he's using drugs, my feelings are completely different from before.
A sexless marriage, infidelity, drug use—why am I still persisting?
You might ask me, why am I still persisting in a sexless marriage, infidelity, drug use? Because I also have my own unavoidable difficulties.
I married relatively late, at 32. My husband and I were introduced by a stranger. He's handsome, owns a three-bedroom apartment, and has a stable job at a large state-owned enterprise with a good salary. We dated for three months before getting married. Looking back, I realize I didn't know him very well. But at the time, I felt foolish not to choose him; who else could I have married if I missed out on such a wonderful opportunity? Besides, he treated me very well during our courtship and was very generous with money; I felt I hadn't made a mistake. For the first few years of our marriage, our relationship was great, and we soon had a child. After having a child, I focused more on caring for the child and the home. Even when my husband gradually lost interest, I didn't think much of it. As I got older, the household chores kept me busy enough, and I didn't have many demands on my husband.
Now, in middle age, this situation leaves me conflicted and conflicted. We're still together, but I know in my heart that we might not last. Although we sleep in the same bed, we each have our own thoughts, which the other may not know. At home, we barely communicate except for essential conversations. Before I knew about his drug use, I thought that at our age, I didn't want to go through the trouble, and at least he could help raise our son. But since finding out, I feel incredibly insecure. I'm confused and even panicked about the future. I know drug use is the biggest financial drain. Although he still gives me his salary, if he has a relapse, he can easily borrow money. Every day I live with him, I'll have to pay it back.
Although I have a regular job, my income has never been high. With the cost of living so high these days, I don't know if I can afford the normal expenses for myself and our son after a divorce. Without my husband's income to support us, our lives will be incredibly bleak; it's hard to imagine. Moreover, at my awkward age, what man would be willing to raise a young child with me in the future?
When I was young, I was the kind of beautiful woman everyone talked about. When I married him, I only saw his glamorous appearance, knowing very little about his character. I used to think he was good to the family, the breadwinner, but I never imagined that infidelity and drug use would happen to him. These things have hit me too hard. I'm an introverted person, and I don't know who to tell about my suffering. Knowing there's no hope, I still helplessly continue living under the same roof with him. I don't know what other women would do in my situation. I suffer from insomnia night after night. I don't dare to, and I lack the confidence, to file for divorce. Perhaps this is how personality determines fate, a tragic fate.
Reporter's words:
A marriage without sex or communication for over ten years shows your attitude towards marriage is one of compromise. Now, infidelity and drug use have shattered your dream of a life of compromise until old age. In fact, this marriage was already at its end; even God doesn't want you to continue to compromise.
The crux of the problem is that you are financially dependent on your husband, and you fear the hardship of raising your child alone after a divorce. This fear has significantly lowered your standards. Marriages come in all shapes and sizes, but it's rare to find a woman as careless as you.

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Our sexless marriage of over ten years has reached its end.

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