Some thoughts on ****** (reprinted)

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Part 1 of the "Couple's Sexual Exchange" series:
Pay attention to your partner's "sexual investment."
If we compare the coordination of a couple's sex life to both partners investing in infrastructure, many might find it far-fetched. However, while the analogy is crude, the principle is sound. Everyone knows that "it takes two to tango," not only when conflicts arise but also when efforts to coordinate are made. If one party consistently makes efforts while the other remains indifferent, even the most patient person will eventually change course. Sexual coordination between couples is like a two-person investment and construction company in operation. The most important factor in the success of this partnership is whether the input and output of both partners are roughly commensurate. No one wants to constantly suffer losses in a cooperative relationship, nor can anyone... Tolerating one partner constantly taking advantage is
a common mistake. Many couples don't understand this simple principle. The most common error is that one partner fails to notice the effort the other has put into harmonizing their sex life.
For example, one partner might prefer certain positions, while the other doesn't. The partner who prefers these positions often overlooks the fact that the other's consent is already an investment. If the partner who enjoys these practices doesn't reciprocate with praise, gratitude, and consideration, the other will feel unappreciated, misunderstood, disrespected, and unloved. Over time, even good couples will inevitably develop resentment.
For example... When couples choose the right time for intimacy, one partner may feel it's natural to have sex at that time, while the other feels they are forcing themselves and paying a price. If the former doesn't understand or empathize with this, and doesn't reciprocate in other ways, the latter will feel cheated, coerced, or exploited. Over time, these small shadows accumulate, and the marriage enters a period of hardship.
The mutual giving and receiving in a couple's sex life is usually unspoken, rarely explicitly stated. However, this "exchange" does exist, and precisely because the one making the sacrifice doesn't express it, the other is more likely to overlook it, more likely to unintentionally miss it. It hurts the other person's feelings.
Many couples are ashamed to talk about sexual exchange, or even willing to understand and evaluate their sex life from an exchange perspective. But the more they do this, the less likely they are to recognize the sacrifices their partner makes, and the less likely they are to reciprocate, ultimately leading to disaster.
In reality, it's unlikely that either husband or wife will give nothing in their sex life, nor is it likely that they will expect nothing in return. The key to harmonious marital sex life, the key to harmonious sex between two mature individuals, is actually taking the first step of clearly recognizing the other person's sacrifices and contributions, and valuing the immense significance of their sacrifices to oneself. Only then can there be a generous return, and only then can there be true bliss.
Part Two of the "Couple's Sexual Exchange" Series:
Men's Sacrifices for Love
Most people believe that if a man makes an effort or sacrifice during sex, it mainly refers to physical exertion or physiological phenomena like ejaculation. Many considerate wives often see it this way, thus taking care of their husbands' diet, nutrition, rest, and health as a form of reciprocation.
While not entirely wrong, this understanding is somewhat superficial. For men, especially young, vigorous men, the most important and significant sacrifice in sex is actually the effort to accommodate and care for their partner out of love.
Ancient Chinese sayings describe men as fire during sex—igniting quickly and extinguishing just as quickly, while women are like water—heating slowly and cooling slowly. According to male physiological needs... The younger and stronger a man is, the more he desires penetration and ejaculation as quickly as possible. However, if he truly loves his wife, he must find ways to compensate for this difference between men and women. He must prepare with more foreplay, try to prolong intercourse, and continue to satisfy his wife's physical and emotional needs after ejaculation. For a man, these are all sacrifices, even "extra burdens." To do these things well, he puts in far more effort than simply satisfying himself. (In this sense, masturbation may be the easiest.) If it weren't for true love, and not for love itself, few men would willingly create such trouble for themselves.
Middle-aged men, on the other hand, make the opposite sacrifices. At this stage, their libido begins to decline, their interests become increasingly limited, and they become increasingly reluctant to initiate anything. It's nothing. However, if the couple's sex life has been good before, and the wife's sexual desire suddenly increases, or at least doesn't decrease significantly, many husbands begin to feel that having sex has become an "obligation," as if they are forcing themselves. At this point, only true love, only for love, can motivate a man to meet his wife's sexual needs.
In short, if it's just about sex, men do indeed contribute far less than women. But if it's about love, then men don't contribute less than women in sex, and some men may even contribute more.
Unfortunately, many women don't understand this. Some wives are overly self-important, harboring a latent mentality of "it's good enough that you sleep with me," not only ignoring their husbands' contributions but also complaining. Some women are sensitive to inequality... Some women are overly sensitive, always acting solely based on their own feelings, unable and unwilling to understand their partner, constantly feeling "cheated." Others unconsciously use "virginity" or "first time" as bargaining chips with their husbands, failing to understand their husbands' love.
This mistake isn't limited to ordinary women; some female scholars also make it. A 1994 survey on marital sex life found that husbands felt they gave more than their wives, and by a significant margin. A female professor interpreted this as men lying, or their male chauvinism at play. However, the survey focused on highly educated, younger husbands in large cities. They are precisely the men who most admire and pursue love. Their contributions are naturally much greater, representing a significant improvement. There's really nothing to doubt or find strange about this.
Don't you agree?
"Marital Sexual Exchange" Series, Part Three:
"Sexual investment" requires initiative.
Sexual activity between spouses is objectively an exchange, therefore one party always needs to initiate this exchange, be willing to give, invest, and not expect anything in return.
Generally, people believe that this initial and proactive investment should naturally be made by the man. On the wedding night, this is undoubtedly correct; however, after a period of marriage, it may not be so. This is because most husbands, after becoming accustomed to sexual activity, will unconsciously, explicitly or implicitly, expect to appreciate and experience their wives' passion, preferably active and spontaneous. Many husbands begin to expect their wives to initiate sexual activity and fully embody feminine beauty, liveliness, and graceful softness. Husbands often subconsciously believe... This need is as natural as expecting a harvest from a sown melon, showing no sign of selfishness.
Many wives fail to perceive these subtle psychological changes in their husbands. This cannot be entirely blamed on the wives' selfishness, as women's sexual physiology differs from men's. On their bodies, passive sensory areas are often more numerous than areas actively providing sexual stimulation. However, wives shouldn't overemphasize this physiological difference, because in sexual intercourse, human emotions and behaviors are infinitely rich and can completely transcend this relatively minor physiological difference. If a wife is unwilling or unable to respond and reciprocate, over time, even the best prince charming will likely give up. At that point, trying to win him back may not only be much more difficult but may also result in a situation where "the waves still crash, but the nights of yesteryear are gone."
Both husband and wife, when first discovering disharmony in their sex life, are often willing to take the initiative and make sacrifices. However, if the problem isn't resolved quickly, both may become impatient, blame each other, easily lose confidence, suspect other underlying issues, or dredge up old grievances.
To avoid this, both partners should truly approach the problem from the perspective of "exchange." There's an old Chinese saying, "Even if a deal falls through, goodwill remains." This means that in an exchange, the common goal is to complete the exchange, not to argue or emotionally hurt each other. Therefore, in an exchange, there's only a balance of giving and receiving; there's no need for arguments or dragging other issues or emotions into the discussion. Of course, marital sex involves intense emotions and cannot be compared to a purely transactional affair. However, for couples already experiencing disharmony, it's crucial to avoid emotional entanglements and objectively discuss their differences, truly like a business transaction, to find a solution. In such objective negotiations, regardless of who it is, one party must take the initiative to make an initial contribution or investment. When conflicts are acute, one party must make the first concession. Otherwise, it will simply be a case of "no deal, no friendship."
Generally speaking, the party who feels they have already given a lot is more likely to refuse to continue giving. If both parties are like this, and there is no appropriate external assistance or an opportunity to "step down," then it is best for both parties to separate to avoid dragging things out and becoming a stagnant situation.
"Sexual Exchange Between Couples" Series, Part Four:
"Sexual Investment" Must Be
Appropriate. The key to "sexual exchange" between couples is "sexual investment," especially proactive and initial investment. However, it's not enough to just invest; all investment must be "appropriate" to have the desired effect. In this regard, the mistakes that men and women often make are exactly the opposite.
Many husbands often feel that since the problem lies in their sex life, their investment should be as focused as possible on sexual behavior. As a result, some husbands blindly increase the frequency of sexual activity, increase the intensity and range of movements, and even use behaviors that their wives cannot accept. This approach often proves counterproductive, leading to wasted effort or even backfiring due to a mismatch between the two.
In reality, the typical female sexual psychology is that women tend to perceive their husbands' feelings for them within the broader context of marriage and sex, rather than focusing solely on the quality of their sex life. Women tend to integrate sex with all other aspects of their marital life, arriving at a holistic but rather vague overall impression. Many wives, especially those who previously lived in relatively closed environments, tend to underestimate the role of sex in marriage and love. Therefore, the extra effort husbands put in sexually is often misunderstood and unappreciated by such wives, and may even be mistaken for them seeking only their own pleasure. Faced with such wives, husbands should focus on other aspects of daily life, starting with small, gradual expressions of understanding and intimacy. This approach is often most effective when starting with things further removed from sexual activity. Wives, on the other hand,
often make the opposite mistake. Many wives already sense their husbands' efforts, but they always try to reciprocate in other areas of daily life. Unfortunately, such good intentions often fail to move a husband's heart, especially younger husbands. As a result, some wives begin to believe their husbands are unfaithful, making the situation even more uncontrollable.
This is because men and women often think very differently about their sex lives. Men tend to view sex as a separate and independent matter, easily making their evaluations solely based on its quality. They certainly know that the quality of sex is directly related to the marital situation and the level of affection, but they also often believe that sexual problems can and must be solved sexually. Therefore, they feel that their wives' other forms of reciprocation are inadequate, irrelevant, or even pretentious. Thus, while the wife feels the entire marriage is wonderful, the husband may feel that only their sex life is a source of unspeakable suffering.
Overcoming these gender differences is not something that can be done overnight. However, both partners should ask each other about their feelings, evaluations, expectations, and dissatisfactions regarding sex. Isn't this the same principle as asking about the price in any exchange?
Part 5 of the "Couple Sexual Exchange" Series:
Lower Yourself a Little.
In couple sexual exchange, one party must take the initiative to invest and give, or make concessions, for the exchange to continue and achieve the desired effect.
This principle is probably understood by all couples. However, many couples often unconsciously make two mistakes in practice:
First, they change "one party must give" to "who should give? You or me?"
The second mistake is changing "taking the initiative" to "who should give."
As a result, even couples with a good relationship may experience some dissatisfaction due to issues related to "sexual exchange."
For example, when a wife is mentally exhausted or distracted, although she senses her husband's sexual needs, she often complains in her heart: "I'm so tired (or busy), can't you be more understanding?" She clearly believes that her husband "should" give more at this time. But many husbands at this time are thinking: "Although I know you're tired, men still need sex. Can't you accommodate me a little?" He clearly believes that his wife "should" give at this time. If two people can openly discuss sex, the debate might start with "who should contribute," then escalate to the differences between male and female libido, and even reach broader issues like gender equality. This is still a good outcome. If both partners bottle up their complaints, the accumulated negativity can easily lead to problems.
Why do we always emphasize what the other person "should" do, while vehemently defending our own lack of initiative? This is probably because, in a marital relationship, we unconsciously place ourselves above our partner, prioritizing our own needs.
In fact, whether from a psychological perspective or through everyday observation, we can observe that in any conflict, the person who lowers their stance is more likely to gain the upper hand in resolving the conflict. In wrestling, lowering one's center of gravity makes movements more stable and solid. In business negotiations, starting with one's minimum demands makes it easier to persuade the other party to make necessary concessions. In interpersonal relationships, the "weak" are generally not seen as enemies, and their existence often objectively forces the "strong" to show tolerance, understanding, and care.
Similarly, when couples have sexual conflicts, if they lower their expectations and first consider what they "should" do, even regarding this "should" as their obligation, then: first, they will find it easier to understand and empathize with their partner's predicament; second, neither of them will be able to get angry, and arguments will be avoided; third, their partner will also have to think about their own "should," even if they don't say it or think about it at the time, this feeling of "owing" will always arise. Isn't this much better than arguing or holding a grudge?
"Couple Sexual Exchange" Series, Part Six:
A Close Couple, Clear Accounts.
To put it more bluntly, sexual exchange between couples, like any other exchange, must not only be equal and voluntary, but both parties should also have a clear, shared account.
This "account" may not actually be written down, but it must exist in both partners' hearts. This account has two elements: first, it must be clear; second, it must be shared, meaning that both parties must acknowledge the accounts.
Clarity doesn't mean meticulously recording every detail, but rather that each partner should have a clear overall sense of their own level of involvement in marital sex and the extent of their partner's contributions. For example, some husbands only complain about their wives' "low libido," without mentioning what their wives have contributed, even minimally; nor do they consider what they could improve upon. How can this be a clear account? Conversely, some wives dwell on their own grievances, as if their husbands have never contributed anything (which is impossible). Isn't this a muddled mess? If you're unclear about your own situation but try to "settle accounts" with your partner, it will only lead to a chaotic battle, resulting in mutual harm.
Having a clear account is not enough; mutual acknowledgment is also crucial. If the couple is harmonious in other aspects of their lives, the best and simplest approach is to be direct—to say the right thing at the right time, in the right tone, and with the right content. If the couple lacks the habit of direct conversation, they can try "reflective communication," which involves conveying or implying their thoughts by discussing others, stories in books or movies. If a rift has already formed between the two parties, a minor argument can be intentionally orchestrated, using impulsive words as a cover to vent one's true thoughts. As long as it doesn't damage feelings, the other person will reflect on these words afterward. This achieves the purpose of communication. Of course, if the conflict is deep, mutual reconciliation becomes difficult. However, for either party, a "last supper" style of direct confrontation is equally advisable. It not only offers a glimmer of hope for reconciliation but also helps turn the page and face choices anew.
However, it's important to note that "direct confrontation" doesn't mean simply spouting nonsense. Anyone with life experience knows that with close relatives, a direct confrontation is less effective than a more indirect approach. For example, one can start by discussing daily life or relationships with family and friends, first making the other person aware of their own troubles, then gradually steer the conversation towards shared activities for the couple, such as cooking. Finally, subtly hint at other things... If the other person still doesn't understand, it's better to stop there and try again next time. This may be annoying, and it is indeed a new investment, but when the stubborn stone is enlightened, the other party will acknowledge both the old and new grievances, and will receive even greater rewards in return.

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