(Excerpt) The motivation of partner swappers: to obtain "fulfilling" love.

page views:1 Publication date:2021-12-23

This excerpt is from a section of Fang Gang's 2011 book, *Swappers: A Study of Intimate Relationships*, a monumental work of psychology now out of print. It is the first research monograph on swapping in the Chinese-speaking world, offering a panoramic view of the swapping community.
Fang Gang is a renowned sexologist and author. He has published over 30 books domestically and internationally, including an eight-volume collection of essays in Taiwan. He currently teaches in the Department of Psychology at Beijing Forestry University and is the convener of the Male Liberation Academic Salon. His works include *Case Studies of Multiple Sexual Partners in China*, *Sex and Gender in Transitional China*, and *Swappers: A Study of Intimate Relationships*.
Chapter Five: Motivation: Fulfilling Love.
From the description of the personal sexual scripts constructed by swappers, it can be seen that swappers are people who love sex, have a recreational attitude towards sex, lack a strong sense of sexual exclusivity, and believe that sex and love can be separated—these are necessary conditions for participating in swapping practice, but not sufficient conditions—people with such sexual scripts do not necessarily engage in swapping practice.
Many people possess such sexual scripts, but they may not understand swapping, let alone practice it themselves. Subjective factors might include having already obtained sufficient sexual satisfaction through other means, disliking group sex, feeling unable to control future internal and external risks, or simply disliking conjugal relationships. Objective factors might include spousal disagreement, lack of time or opportunity to meet people with similar needs. Motivation and mobilization are two crucial aspects in the process of couples becoming conjugal partners. One partner must have a clear and explicit motivation to engage in conjugal practice, hoping to achieve a certain goal or gain a certain experience through it, and then mobilize the other partner. After both of these stages are completed, a suitable conjugal partner must be found before conjugal practice can truly take place.
Section 1: The Tripartite Theory of Love and Conjugal Relationships for Passion.
The motivations of single men joining conjugal relationships are usually relatively simple. The single men among the volunteer respondents in this study did not shy away from the motivation of obtaining sexual opportunities and satisfaction. The difference lies in that some single men participate in conjugal practice because they lack or are weary of developing sexual opportunities in romantic relationships, while others participate because they find conjugal practice more stimulating.
For single women, in addition to seeking novel experiences, interpersonal reasons are frequently mentioned. We will discuss this later.
The motivations for participating in cohabitation practices reported by couples were highly diverse. However, analysis revealed that maintaining sexual passion between spouses was the most core and fundamental motivation. According to the triadic theory of love, this ultimately aims to achieve fulfilling love.
The triadic theory of love can be useful when analyzing the motivations of cohabiting couples.
Robert Sternberg argues that three different cornerstones combine to form different types of love. The first component of love is intimacy, characterized by passion, understanding, communication, support, and sharing. The second component is passion, characterized by physical desire. Passion often takes the form of sexual desire, but any strong emotional need satisfied by a partner falls into this category. The final component of love is commitment, which includes the decision to commit oneself to a relationship and the effort to maintain it. Commitment is primarily cognitive, intimacy is emotional, and passion is motivational. The "heat" of a romantic relationship comes from passion, and warmth from intimacy; in contrast, commitment reflects a decision not based on emotion or sexuality.
In Sternberg's theory, these three components are seen as the three sides of a triangle describing the love shared by two people. Each component varies in degree, so the triangle can have various sizes and shapes. In reality, countless shapes may emerge. (Sharon Brehm et al., 2005: 201)
The Triadic Theory of Love posits that intimacy, passion, and commitment combine to create eight types of love. For example, when intimacy and passion coexist, romantic love emerges; when intimacy and commitment coexist, companionate love arises; and when only commitment exists, it is illusory love. While the clearly defined types of love in the Triadic Theory are not so distinct in real life, and people's actual experience of love is complex, no one doubts that passion is the most variable and difficult to control in romantic relationships.
In typical marital relationships, romantic love weakens as the three key factors influencing romantic passion—fantasy, novelty, and desire—diminish with age. Intimacy is more stable than passion, so companionate love is more stable than romantic love.
The Triadic Theory defines perfect love as when intimacy, passion, and commitment all exist simultaneously to equal degrees. At this point, people experience "complete," or "full," love. This is the kind of love many people seek, but it's easy in the short term and difficult to maintain in the long run. (Sharon Brehm et al., 2005: 203)
Romantic love begins to diminish after marriage. Over time, scores on scales of romantic and passionate love continue to decline. During the courtship phase, idealized praise of one's partner enhances romance, and we should expect that romance will fade as people begin to live together and reality gradually intrudes. However, if new love develops at this time, the novelty itself can increase excitement and energy, which is why extramarital affairs often rejuvenate those who have become numb in their marriages.
The difference in conjugation is that "novelty" is not obtained by one spouse alone, but shared by both. Jointly engaging in novel and sexually stimulating activities makes romantic partners feel more in love with each other. Moreover, "romantic love arises or at least intensifies when desire is aroused by the presence of another attractive person." (Sharon Brehm et al., 2005: 205) This partially explains why participating in conjugation practices together can bring passion to both spouses.
Many of the volunteer respondents in this study admitted that they participated in co-op for the sake of passion. As Professor Ma said, "Every family has its shortcomings to some extent. Marriage is like a bowl of plain water; you have to drink it whether you want to or not. Exchange is like a bowl of fine wine; you can drink it if you want, and don't if you don't. Marriage is tranquility, exchange is romance."
Professor Ma himself created a co-op QQ group, which many couples have joined. After observing, he explained the motivations of these couples to me like this: "Some couples think it's about adjusting their sex life, while others think that having had that kind of experience is like keeping up with the times..." Adjusting their sex life is about passion; "keeping up with the times" is just the surface, and behind it is still the pursuit of passion. And passion, in turn, makes all three components of love present.
However, when co-op becomes a regular pattern, the stimulation and passion will also weaken. Volunteer respondent Xiao Liu said, "Only the first time is the most exciting. Different forms of the first time are all exciting, but the second time is not so exciting." So, in the process of telling me, he kept talking about different "first times": the first time co-op, the first time with a single man, the first time with a married couple, the first time with a colleague, the first time with a stranger, the first time with many people, and so on.
Xing Ge said, "Their sex life is too impoverished. Although they may love each other very much and want to have sex, without a third party, the excitement never really picks up. When they're having sex, they fantasize about bringing in a third or fourth party to make it more exciting." After initially having a polyamorous relationship with one man and two women, Xing Ge described himself as having "a very comfortable psychological feeling, and wishing that this feeling could last forever."
Many volunteer interviewees described this "comfortable feeling" after polyamorous practice, which includes a sense of security in the intimate relationship after the passion has subsided.
We can see that no matter how polyamorous practitioners explain their motivations, trying to maintain passion is the most important and fundamental motivation. When passion is sought through consensual practice that does not affect mutual feelings, intimacy and commitment are simultaneously constructed. Therefore, the intimacy, passion, and commitment required for fulfilling love as described in the triadic theory become possible in polyamorous couples.
So, the difference between polyamorous couples and ordinary couples is that they can enjoy novel explorations with their partners through polyamorous practice, thereby maintaining passion and achieving "fulfilling love."
Western swinging researchers have summarized the motivations for co-partners to participate in co-partnering, which mainly include:
First: The attraction of various sexual partners and sexual experiences.
Second: Passion and pleasure. Premarital sex provides them with the opportunity to practice "abnormal" lifestyles and defy mainstream social values.
Third: 13% believe it's to broaden their horizons and meet new people, which also makes cohabitation possible.
Fourth: Voyeurism, learning new techniques to use with their spouses, solving sexual problems, etc.
Other reasons listed include: seizing youth, wanting to see their spouse attractive to others, increasing sexual interest in their spouse, etc. (Jenks, R., 1998: 511-513).
It's not hard to see that among these listed motivations, obtaining passion for sex and love is the most core motivation, and other motivations can also be explained by seeking passion. For example, "the attraction of various sexual partners and sexual experiences" is the attraction of stimulation and passion; voyeurism and learning sexual techniques are also for stimulation and passion; "wanting to see their spouse attractive to others and increasing sexual interest in their spouse" is still for passion.
The motivations described by the volunteer couples in this study were diverse. Analyzing these motivations reveals a common thread hidden behind individual differences: the desire to maintain a passionate relationship and achieve "fulfilling love."
(Section 2 to be continued)

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