【My Despicable Self】

page views:1 Publication date:2022-04-11

In two months, it will be my 22nd birthday. I'm just an ordinary office worker, with no family background or connections, recently graduated, and alone in Wuhan trying to make a living. Whether it's my luck or my misfortune, two women suddenly entered my life: Jiang Min, a 45-year-old divorced woman, and Xu Mei, an 18-year-old college student. Their appearances stirred up my romantic life, and I, in turn, betrayed them, despicably toying with both women.
My acquaintance with Jiang Min stemmed from a wrong number.
One afternoon last year during the Spring Festival, after work, I saw a missed call on my phone. I called back, but the other party didn't answer. Perhaps it was a wrong number, because the next day, a strange woman's number appeared on my phone. By some strange twist of fate, our first conversation lasted several minutes. She was Jiang Min, 45 years old, working in a clothing factory. And so, we began exchanging text messages. Occasionally, she would call me for a casual chat, and I could tell she was feeling down. I initially thought it was work-related frustration, so I tried to comfort her. Perhaps my role as a stranger made her relax, and before I knew it, I had become a loyal and reliable confidante for her. She even revealed all her private life secrets to me. She had divorced years ago and was raising her 17-year-old son alone. Now that her son was in college, her life felt aimless, and the excessive leisure had become a burden, leaving her feeling lost.
One day, which started as a joke
, she texted me saying she wasn't feeling well and was feeling very annoyed by being alone. I wanted to offer her some words of comfort, but after a short while, her call came. "Why aren't you answering me?" "I'm texting you, I have so much to say, but I haven't finished typing yet."
Jiang Min's anxious attitude surprised me. I thought her overreaction was something only lovers would do.
Thinking of this, a mischievous idea suddenly popped into my head, and a joke slipped out, "Baby, what are you afraid of? I'll take care of you. I'll be there for you from now on." She laughed and replied jokingly, "Our age doesn't seem to allow it, but I can try. It's so good to have you; you're so caring."
Because of that joke, our relationship grew closer. I knew very well that initially, I was just trying to make her
, my friend, happy; I never considered any other possibilities, let alone what might happen between us. But people are so easily moved by emotions. Without realizing it, I found myself becoming somewhat attached to her. I would worry about her even with a minor cold, and I would feel restless if I didn't hear from her for a day. What's wrong with me?
A small incident caused a turning point in our relationship, leading us astray.
One day, my old eye problem flared up again, becoming unbearably dry. Jiang Min was very worried and urged me to go to the hospital for a checkup. I jokingly told her I hadn't received my salary yet and casually made up a lie, saying I had a congenital eye disease and had been struggling to afford surgery. To my surprise, she immediately told me to come to her, offering to pay for my eye surgery. I wasn't that bad, so I quickly made an excuse to decline.
After that, she paid my phone bill and bought me gifts. It was the first time someone had been so kind to me, and I was grateful; love began to blossom. And so, without ever meeting in person, we began our online romance, talking about our future, marriage, buying a house, and having children. Sometimes I felt my actions were childish, but other times, I felt that this affection was sincere, pure, and untainted, making it all the more precious.
One rainy day in March, for no apparent reason, Jiang Min said she wanted to come to Wujiashan to see me. It was already past 7 PM when I arrived, and the sky was pitch black. I waited for her in Erzhigou, my heart filled with mixed emotions. Under the dim streetlights, Jiang Min stood before me for the first time. She was well-maintained, with a full figure, and looked much younger than I had imagined. She seemed a little shy at our first meeting. We had dinner together, but she showed no sign of leaving. I hesitated for a moment, then took her to a hotel.
I was completely bewildered; what happened next was unclear even to myself.
Near midnight, after our passion subsided, I don't know if I was moved by something or startled awake, but when I turned over and suddenly saw Jiang Min lying peacefully beside me, an unprecedented sense of guilt washed over me. I snapped back to reality. It was absurd! She was only two years younger than my mother; how could I have had a relationship with her?
I felt disgusted and repulsed by my actions. I had to leave her immediately, but how could I face the vows I had made? Thank goodness, at that moment, a close friend called, asking why I wasn't home yet. I clung to this lifeline, making an excuse that a colleague had an emergency and I had to go there immediately, so I might not be back that night. Jiang Min suddenly stopped me: "Can you stay?" I ignored her, told her to get dressed and lock the door, and fled as if my life depended on it.
Not long after I left, Jiang Min called again, asking what was going on. I had nothing to say, no explanation, so I simply turned off my phone.
I took a taxi back to my dorm alone in the rain, finally feeling relieved, and then stayed awake until dawn the next day. As soon as I turned my phone back on at noon, Jiang Min's text messages bombarded my phone; she said she understood everything. To have a reasonable resolution, I still explained my reasons. After all, she was about the same age as my parents, and she had a child… the possibility of us getting back together was almost zero.
She seemed to understand too, "I knew you were just playing around." She sent me all our past vows, and I couldn't care less. I sighed and never replied to her messages or calls again.
Less than a month after we separated, I felt lost and disoriented after losing contact with Jiang Min. I couldn't control myself and tried to contact her again. Jiang Min was in turmoil, unable to contain her emotions: "Do you know why I have two phones? Many people have tried to contact me, but I chose you. I've kept this number for you, but you've hurt and disappointed me. Actually, I'm a wealthy woman. I own factories and property. I can lose 30,000 yuan gambling in one go without feeling bad..."
Perhaps being tempted by money is human nature, and I was no exception. In the days that followed, I bought her flowers, offered countless explanations, and even went to her workplace to find her, ignoring the strange looks from others. But she avoided me, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't win her back. I was incredibly frustrated, but helplessly, she simply disappeared from my world. During
a
period of extreme sadness, Xu Mei entered my life.
Xu Mei was a friend of my colleague, an 18-year-old nursing student. My colleague said this girl had always had a crush on me, and for some reason, she suddenly launched a romantic offensive. That day, she called me after evening self-study, saying she wanted to see me. After we met, she said a lot of incomprehensible things, none of which I understood. Finally, she hugged me tightly, saying, "You're so dense! I've liked you for a long time, haven't you realized?"
I was overwhelmed by this sudden love, and Xu Mei and I fell deeply in love. Every day I went to school to wait for her after self-study, we drank milk tea, went ice skating, and took photo booth pictures together, feeling incredibly happy, and quickly forgot about the troubles caused by Jiang Min.
One weekend afternoon, I took her to a colleague's place in Hankou for dinner, and we didn't get back until almost midnight. When we arrived at school, the dormitory was already locked. She was very anxious, but there was nothing we could do; we had to spend the night outside. Unfortunately, the school conducted a surprise room check that night, and they quickly found out we had stayed out overnight. The teacher suspended her from school and called her parents.
Xu Mei's parents were furious. After giving her a severe scolding, her father even threw 5,000 yuan at her and threatened to go to the police station to sever ties with her. Xu Mei was at a loss, crying heartbrokenly on the phone, saying that what happened that night was my premeditated act and that she hated me.
The next day, her father called to ask to meet me, but I didn't have the guts and reluctantly refused. During that period, everything was a mess. Every time, Xu Mei would start crying after only a few words. I hate girls crying, so eventually, I just turned off my phone.
This incident nearly drowned me in the gossip of her friends, but time heals all wounds, and after a while, the matter slowly subsided.
We were back to our old ways, shopping and eating together, inseparable. However, this happy period didn't last long. One noon, she suddenly called anxiously, saying she might be pregnant and needed me to go to the hospital with her immediately for a checkup.
I comforted her while taking her to the hospital, but when we arrived, she hid at the entrance, refusing to go in because she knew someone there. Reluctantly, I rushed her to another nearby hospital, but she then said it was the hospital where she had interned and resolutely refused to go in. At that time, I hadn't even had time to eat, and I had to rush to work. At the hospital entrance, I pleaded with her, but she just wouldn't listen… Why do women always have so many troubles? While they bring you joy, they inevitably come with endless trouble. I already have a bit of a temper, and in front of so many people, I couldn't control myself and finally lost my temper, smashing my phone and kicking her hard.
I threw my bank card at her, and she tossed it into the ditch right in front of me. I knew she was a rich girl, and this wasn't what she cared about.
I steeled myself, thinking I'd just go for it, and turned away. Not long after, a colleague told me that Xu Mei wasn't pregnant, and a weight was finally lifted from my heart… A few days ago, Xu Mei said, feeling wronged, that she wasn't like me, able to love and stop loving so easily; she couldn't forget me at all…
I was speechless. With Xu Mei and Jiang Min, I was selfish, greedy, and enjoyed the thrill of the process. But I didn't know what I truly wanted, and I never intended to continue with them.
The reason was simple: I couldn't afford to lose. I lacked confidence in myself and had no resources to offer them. Yet reality led them to fall and get hurt in my emotional world, making me see myself more clearly time and again, leading to further disappointment. (Names in the text are pseudonyms)

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【My Despicable Self】

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